The Kids & Brian: Living! after cancer

Sunday, January 22, 2012: Another Anniversary

2012-01-22T18:49:00.001-05:00

January 23, 2012. Just another day for most people. January 23 will be Monday, the start of a new work week for the adults and a start of a new school week for the students. January 23 was also the start of something new for this family as well.

January 23, 2007 was the day Kristi was diagnosed with ovarian cancer; it was the beginning of what would become our 4 and a half journey with many of you. So tomorrow will be the 5 year anniversary of when this all started.

January 23 is the second worst day of the year for me, second only to June 10, the day she died.

There are times when I think that I'm finally turning the corner. In fact, I recently told a friend that I thought I had turned the corner. The problem is, when I see what's around the corner I don't like what I see...so I duck back. But, every day is a new day - and for now I'm just living day for day.

Here's what I posted for January 23, 2007. My memory of that day has faded a bit, but the pain is still as strong as ever.

Tuesday January 23, 2007: Exploratory surgery day

My parents showed up about 10:45AM to watch the kids. We told them “we’ll be home about 5 or 6”. Ha! I remember joking on the way to the hospital 'our lives could be changed forever in a couple hours'!! Wow. We checked into Holland Hospital about 11:30 AM for the 1:30 PM surgery. We hung around for a couple hours just hanging out in the “holding area”. Well, 1:30 rolled around and we were informed that Dr. Fletter was running behind, about 2 hours behind! Kristi still hadn’t eaten since Monday night. She was getting tired and frustrated. We were still not thinking of anything other than “inflamed muscle tissue” or I was even thinking they would come back and say “everything looks normal”. Other than being tired and hungry and wanting to go home (sick of waiting around), we were still pretty “loose” and not thinking anything was “wrong”. About 3:30 I called both sets of parents just to let them know we were running behind. Denny also texted asking what was going on. "Still waiting" I replied. Kristi was finally wheeled back around 3:45PM...final kisses and “good bye”. The nurse told me that when Kristi comes out of surgery, someone will come get me and bring me back to her in the recovery area. Well, about 4:30 the receptionist brought me back, but rather than going through the double doors to go back to the recovery area, she brought me to a consultation room. This was the first time I suspected something might be wrong. “Why am I here?! This isn’t where they said they were going to bring me”. I sat in there for about 5 minutes before Dr. Fletter and Dr. Taylor came in. They both looked very serious. Gulp.

Dr. Fletter started by saying the procedure itself went good…however, “we didn’t like what we saw”. So, when he started out saying the procedure went good, there was a brief moment of relief. But that was quickly replaced with confusion when he said “we didn’t like what we saw”. I was still a little confused at that point, not sure where he was going. He was talking about “spots all over”. That’s when Dr. Taylor chimed in and said “it looks like ovarian cancer”. I think I went into shock. I remember being warm all over and everything seemed in slow motion. It was a weird feeling. The two doctors were talking but I can’t remember what they were saying. I can’t explain it. Then it hit me…Kristi has cancer. I remember just falling apart after a few minutes. Both doctors stopped talking at that point and let me unload for a minute. They just let me cry for a while. When I got my bearings back, they continued to explain what they saw. She had spots on her intestines, ovaries, maybe on her colon, appendix, and all over the abdominal area. He indicated stage 3 or 4 ovarian cancer. I remember asking “what are 'spots'?” Tumors. I asked all the obvious questions…how? why? I was thinking, but afraid to ask…”what is the prognosis?” But I asked. Dr. Taylor went briefly into the statistics…average 30% survival rate past 5 years. This means she has a 30% chance of living longer than 5 years. Ouch. I cried some more. He also went briefly into the typical treatment plan. He talked about the IV port and the IP port (intra-peritoneal). Both doctors had to leave and left me in the room to “freshen up”. They said I could go back whenever I was ready. I sat there in shock for a long time. Dr. Taylor came back after about 15 minutes because he felt bad for leaving me like that. He was changed into jeans, a sweatshirt, and baseball cap. Then we just chatted some more about ovarian cancer. He reassured me that his success rate is closer to 50%.

Before going back, I called Kristi’s parents. Her Dad answered. I was a wreck. I couldn’t talk. I just remember saying “you need to get to the hospital”. I can’t remember much of anything I said. I waited for them to get to the hospital…only about 15 minutes but it seemed like forever. When her parents got there her Mom was already crying so we all hugged and cried some more in the room. Then her Mom tried to pray but we were all too upset. I told her Mom (for some reason) about the “30% cure rate”. Why did I do that?! I think I was still in shock and processing everything. So we all cried some more. Ahhhh.

Unfortunately, because both doctors had to leave right after surgery, no one told Kristi the news...so she was still unaware. I remember telling her parents “I have to go tell your daughter she has cancer now”. Then more tears, then we left for the recovery room.

So we walked into the recovery room just as she was waking up. She was really drowsy. She looked at me, looked at her Mom, looked back at me, then asked “what’s wrong? Am I OK?” I guess we looked kind of bad – Kristi could tell we were upset. I told her she had cancer and as her eyes welled up we hugged and cried. She quickly recovered and started asking questions. She was very positive from the first seconds. One of her first thoughts was “we need to get an e-mail to Norma” (the church e-mail prayer coordinator). Right from the onset, she thought of prayer. I have to admit, I didn’t. I was in shock. I didn’t bother telling her about the cure rate at this point. We just hung out for a while with her parents processing the information…and answering Kristi’s questions…3,4, and 5 times! She has a slow time coming out of the anesthesia drugs!! I stepped out and called Denny, Janna, Sheryl Boes, and Heidi. I was a wreck for all of them. I started with Denny, balling and sobbing. Then I called Janna; I was a little better for Janna, then Sheryl, and lastly I called Heidi. [I remember Brian telling me later that after I called them that he was too upset to eat his dinner. Sorry Brian. But it’s good to know that we have people that love us that much. We love them too.]

After I called our close friends, I called my Mom (who was at our house watching our kids). I did not tell her any news…I didn’t want her to get upset in front of the kids. It was about 5:45PM at this point. My Mom was asking “well, aren’t they telling you anything?!” I was trying my best not to get mad. I just told her that the surgery was done and that we were running behind. But my Mom was persistent…”well, aren’t they telling you anything?!” Then I think she got the hint because I think she knew I was getting upset and she just said “oh, OK”. We hung up…whew. So I went back to the room. Dr. Taylor came back about 6:30 to talk to us some more. He stayed around for about a half hour and answered our questions. We checked out about 7:30PM. I called home and asked my Mom to make sure the kids were in bed. I think she now realized something was wrong because she didn’t ask any questions and just said “OK”.

Kristi’s parents went home and I believe Kristi’s mom contacted church. I believe Norma sent out an e-mail already Tuesday evening.

When we got home Kristi went right to bed. I went back down to talk to my parents. Of course they were upset by the news, but overall they took it as well as could be expected. I was surprised I didn’t cry. I was just in shock I think. After they left, I called Dave Ozios who called while I was putting Kristi to bed. Of course he was also shocked. He prayed for us on the phone. That was awesome! Denny came over about 10:00 PM and spent some time with me. Of course I cried all over his shoulder. Then cried some more. Then some more. I needed that. We talked for a long time and then he prayed for us. Wow, what a friend! He left about midnight...sorry Denny! I went to bed shortly after midnight and surprisingly I slept.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012: Happy New Year!

2012-01-11T21:35:00.002-05:00

Just a quick note to let everyone know we made it through the holidays. At times it was very difficult, but overall the business of the holidays kept us focused on family and friends. I can say I'm glad to see 2011 go. Good riddance 2011!!

I'm anxious and excited to see what 2012 brings us. I'm hopeful it will be a better year...so far so good anyway!

Thanks for praying for us through the holidays...it helped!

Happy Birthday Kristi

2011-12-16T22:22:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow would have been Kristi's 42nd birthday; one week after the 6 month anniversary of her passing, and one week before Christmas...so if I don't seem like I'm in a very festive mood you now know why. Tomorrow night we're going out to dinner to honor her birthday.

I can't type anymore. Pray that we can make it through this holiday season and still find some joy.

I love this picture of us. We were so happy together.

December 10, 2011: 6 Months

2011-12-10T13:03:00.001-05:00

I'm wearing my Courage To Shine shirt today in honor of Kristi. It's been 6 months today. In some ways it seems like it's been 10 years but in other ways it seems like yesterday. I can't believe she's been gone 6 months.

Right now, I'm sitting in a very hot and humid pool auditorium at Grandville High School with what seems/sounds like about 10,000 screaming girls. I can't help but think about Kristi as I sit here...she would be the one normally attending this. She used to always come home with these pounding headaches from these meets. I never understood why. I do now. My head. It hurts. There is a very loud and obnoxious mom behind me clapping and screaming to cheer her daughter on. While it warms my heart to hear a mother supporting her daughter like that, I really wanted to turn around a say "look lady, your daughter's in 6th place, settle down already!". But I didn't. :) Oh my head hurts real bad. She won't shut up. Talk talk talk talk. Really lady?!

Anyway, life goes on. The kids haven't mentioned anything yet about it being 6 months. I don't think I'll bring it up. If they mention it we'll talk about it, but no reason to remind them. They seem to be doing really well in their adjustment. Sometimes I think too well. "They" always say kids are resilient; I'd have to agree. I don't think I've ever shared this picture, but for those that haven't seen this, here is our headstone. Seems weird seeing your name on a headstone. I find it somewhat comforting just to go out and sit by her. Still all seems weird. Four and a half years we fought and fought, then bang, the end happened so fast. Still in shock I guess.

Well, 2 posts in 3 days! Just wanted to take a minute and reflect. Thanks for reading.

Thursday, December 8, 2011: Catch Up

2011-12-08T19:00:00.000-05:00

The paragraphs below are posts that I've started over the past month but just couldn't bring myself to post. Life keeps me really busy. For the most part the kids and I are all doing fine. We have a tough time coming up though with Kristi's birthday (Dec 17), Christmas and New Years Eve. It's going to be a rough stretch but we stay strong knowing that the Lord will bring us comfort when we need and guidance when we're lost. He hears our cries and He provides a firm foundation to stand. We, with the help of your prayers, will land on a strong foundation. I admit, I'm not 100% there yet. My trust in my foundation crumbled a bit since Kristi passed. As much as I was prepared, I wasn't even close to being prepared. At times (which is still several times a week) I am still an emotional wreck. I have re-started cleaning and organizing our storage rooms. I came across all of her card stamping material and several "in process" cards that I cleaned and put in totes. That was/is a very difficult process...many memories coming racing back as I find stuff.

Anyway, we're all managing and for the most part doing OK. I appreciate your continued prayers over the next few weeks as we get deeper into the holiday season. Pray that I will remember that the Rock on which I stand will never crumble and that the kids and I will be wrapped in His ever present arms.

Just in case I don't post until after Christmas - Have a great Christmas!

Previous attempts to post:

Sunday, November 13, 2011: Thoughts
I was talking to a friend recently and he mentioned that he checked the blog recently and noticed that my last update was October 9. Yeah, he was correct. It's been over a month. I still find it very difficult to look at the blog. I can't bring myself to putting a new picture on the title of the blog.

I held back on the last post because I was not in a real good place then. Truth has it, I'm still not. Each and every day is a struggle. Sunday's are the worst. I sit in church and look around at all the happy families. Kristi was everything to me. I am physically here, but my heart went in that grave with Kristi. Not sure what really to say at this point. Believe it or not, this was only delivered a couple months ago. I procrastinated in ordering it.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011: ??
The next 4 weeks are going to be brutal - Thanksgiving tomorrow, setting up the Christmas tree on Friday (family tradition that was always led by Kristi), Kristi's birthday (December 17), Christmas, then new year's eve. Prayers for the family and I through this season would be appreciated.

I try not to walk around all mopey and everything, and for the most part I'm always focused on the task at hand so I don't have much alone time to sit around and dwell (which is a good thing). Sometimes I wonder if the business hasn't allowed me to grieve. I have been so insanely busy since school started that I literally crash every night. My day starts at 6:15 and ends when the last child goes to bed (usually around 9:30). Then I crash on the couch and read all the e-mail from school, church, etc. Then the old fashioned kind of mail is next. Oh, then the really old fashioned voicemail. Then I go to bed around 11 and repeat this cycle Monday - Friday.

Sunday, October 9, 2011: Emotions

2011-10-09T22:47:00.001-04:00

I often get asked "so how are you doing?" or "are you adjusting to your new normal OK?" Can I be honest with you? I feel like I can be honest with you. Well, here's the truth: life sucks right now. That's how I feel 99.9% of the time. Truth is, I haven't moved on; I can't let go. The reminders are daily, and multiple times a day. I waffle back and forth from "it's been 3 months already!" to "it's only been 3 months?! it seems like forever ago".

Back to that first statement, "it's been 3 months already!". The memories are still vivid. The emotions are still raw. The hurt is still very very real. Right now I'm in the guilt phase. Could I have done more? What if we stayed down the chemo path? what if I intervened more at Hospice? what if...

I know, all irrational thoughts, but thoughts and questions I ask myself every day nonetheless. Just one more hug. One more kiss. One more "I love you". What Kristi and I had was special. Everyone probably says that about their marriage, but Kristi and I were so meant for each other. Sure, I have lots of memories and am grateful for the 22 years we shared together, but I just feel like I got jipped out of 20 more.

I started this 2 weeks ago and have so much more to say, but I'll leave that for another post or this will never get posted.

The Love Gun

2011-09-09T23:33:00.000-04:00

Sunday, August 28, 2011: Where'd The Summer Go?!

2011-08-31T19:00:00.000-04:00

Blink. Summer's gone! This summer has been absolutely crazy busy, hence the reason I've done a terrible job keeping up with the blog. Since Kristi passed away, the kids have kept me running on all cylinders and into turbo mode. But, it's all been good.

This summer Ashley went to Camp Geneva for a week, Colorado for 9 days, Cedar Point with the middle school youth group, Wisconsin for a week on a service project, and of course a sleep-over every chance she could get...hmmm, maybe it's me she's trying to avoid?! :)

Oh yeah, she also turned 14 in July (8th grade)!! On her birthday I let her get a taste of driving and let her drive our van around the church parking lot. I captured a little video of the adventure:

Nathan also has had a busy summer. He also went to Camp Geneva for a week and has had several play dates. Nathan and I had a 'boys outing' and went to Cedar Point for 2 days then caught a Tiger game on our way home (Tigers won, 4-1). As an extra bonus to a great game Comerica Park had family firework night and put on a great firework show after the game. While we were at Cedar Point we camped in our new van (I'll get to that later) and in Detroit we stayed downtown thanks to some free nights built up on my American Express. Nathan just had a birthday too...he turned 11 (5th grade)

And here are some videos of the roller coasters...

Even though Emily is only 7, she has had a very busy summer as well. She has had some very special friends in her preschool and kindergarten classes that have kept her busy with a number of play dates. She will be going into the first grade this year so she's got a big shock coming to her...getting up early every day!! Here are some pictures of her I took last week for her 1st grade school pictures...

As far as me, see first four paragraphs! Managing 3 kids' summer schedules has been nearly a full time job. Speaking of full-time jobs, I went back to work full time 3 weeks after Kristi's funeral and it has been extremely busy at work. We're hiring again so that's been very exciting...it's been a long time (I work for JCI who is a supplier in the auto industry). It's great to be busy again! In addition to working and navigating the kids' schedules, I did manage to go on my annual 'man trip' with my buddies. In fact, I'm sitting in the back of my van right now (Saturday) typing this...we're on our way home from a 4 day island adventure on Beaver and Garden Islands. 2 of my buddies own zodiacs so we took the ferry to Beaver Island then zodiac'd to Garden Island. Here are some pictures...

And as I mentioned before, we got a new van. I listed our 2000 Grand Caravan on Craig's List as sort of a joke but had callers within only a few hours. Less than 24 hours after I posted the Grand Caravan was gone! So, I entered the new car market. Fortunately, my parents had a vehicle they weren't using so they "sold" it to me. It's a brand spanking new 1994 Chevy full size conversion van complete with a TV/VCR and a plush lavender interior! For a 1994 it's in immaculate condition. The kids and I have been enjoying the van all summer: Ashley and I went camping with it for one night at our favorite camping spot with good friends and Nathan and I camped in it for two nights while at Cedar Point. We also drove the van on our annual man trip which made the ride to and from much more relaxing and enjoyable. Thanks to modern technology we're able to stay "connected" while traveling. This van will get lots of use!

So that's been our schedule this past summer. How are we all doing emotionally since Kristi passed away? Well, I’ll save that for my next post or I’ll never get this thing posted!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011: Still Busy

2011-08-02T18:38:00.002-04:00

Craziness. That’s how I describe the past 2 months! But a good crazy, I guess. Ashley has been going nonstop since June – Camp Geneva for a week, Colorado for 9 days with her cousin’s youth group, Cedar Point, was a helper in VBS last week (getting bit, scratched, kicked by 5 year olds!) and now she’s gone again for a week with our church’s middle school doing a service project in Wisconsin! She was actually signed up for a soccer camp last week as well but she decided maybe she needed to rest. Ya think?!

The other kids are doing well also although not nearly as busy as their older sister. Last week Nathan was at Camp Geneva and this week Nathan and Emily are at my parent’s trailer near the Traverse City/Leelanau Peninsula area. So, if you’ve been following…Ashley’s gone. Nathan’s gone. Emily’s gone. YEEEHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Daddy gets his first break in months!!! NO KIDS!!!!!! Shoot, Ashley can read this. Oh well. Love ya honey. YEEEHAAAAAAAA. WOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Well, I do have to work. I’m back to work full time again. Last week I made it in before 8 everyday and this week I’m one for one! The transition back to work has gone better than expected. I guess I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it’s been good. My boss had been telling me it was best for me to get back to work sooner rather than later just to get a sense of ‘normalcy’ back. I think he was right. Of course I’d never admit that to him, but I believe he was.

I’ll be posting pictures from this summer later this week since I’ll have some “free time”. Pictures from Ashley’s trip to CO, Nathan at Camp Geneva and some general pictures of what the kids and I have been up to. Oh, did I mention Ashley turned 14 on July 24!?!!?!? AHHHHHHHHH. I took her driving in the church parking lot…and of course…got some great video!

Kristi’s dad also put together a video of the burial service…it was quite amazing. When I get that I’ll upload it to Youtube and post it. It is just as beautifully powerful as it is emotionally lamenting. That afternoon when we arrived at the cemetery the rain had stopped as if God had hit the pause button, the sky brightened (the sun even poked through for a few seconds), the musical chirping of the birds provided a peacefully still ambiance, and the graveside service was beautifully administered. It was just beautiful. Sad, but beautiful.

That’s all for tonight…

Wednesday, July 20, 2011: Been a While

2011-07-20T22:31:00.002-04:00

I haven’t updated in a while. I know. To be honest, it hurts too much to open up the blog. In fact, for this update I am typing in Microsoft Word and cutting and pasting into the blog. When I open up the blog I see that smile; I see her, and it brings it all back. Just typing this I had to run up to my bedroom and cry (so the kids didn’t see me).

Anyway, we’re all managing here. Ashley is keeping very busy. Nathan is still very quiet. He opened up a little bit in his last visit with his counselor. Then there’s Emily. She hasn’t really missed a beat. I did decide to start her on some counseling as well.

Overall, I think we’re probably all “on schedule” as far as the healing process goes. I have started back to work nearly full time. Getting out of bed is the most difficult part of my day…not because I’m lazy, but because it feels like I’m buried under 1,000 pounds of cement. Once I get out I’m usually OK, but everyday it’s a struggle. Next week I will try to begin going in at 8. Before all of this, I was always in between 7:00/7:30. This week it’s been a struggle to get in by 9:30. So, we’ll see how it goes next week. Pray that some of this weight will be lifted, and pray also that the hurt in the kids, whether visible or not, will begin to dissipate.

Monday, July 11, 2011: Ho Hum

2011-07-11T23:28:00.001-04:00

Don't mean to be a downer debbie, but that's the mood I've been in lately. Ashley is in Colorado this week so it's just me and the 2 younger kids...sure is lonely around the house. Been down in the dumps since last Thursday...waiting to snap out of it. Yesterday was hard...yesterday was 1 month. It's still so surreal. is she coming back? The little kid in me wishes this was all a bad nightmare...maybe I'll wake up and she'll be lying next to me.

I know...it's not going to happen. It's hard to find joy in anything...I'm still emotionally numb.

It'll get better...

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Monday, July 4, 2011: Taking Some Bigger Steps

2011-07-04T23:50:00.000-04:00

Last week was a big week as far as the emotional recovery goes. I went back to work for a few hours Thursday and Friday (was very nervous/anxious/apprehensive about going back) AND we went to church yesterday. These things seem simple to everyone I'm sure, but in my shoes they are big steps.

Today we went to the beach for the afternoon with friends and had a great time...even showed the younger dads and even some college kids that a 42 year old can still play a mean game of sand football. I think I was the oldest one playing...man, can that be for real?! Anyway, I got good and fried but the kids for the most part didn't get too sunburned. They use this stuff that supposedly blocks the sun, or something like that. They wipe it all over their body and they don't get sunburned. Crazy. Not me though. Nope. No way. My face should be done peeling by 2 weeks from next Tuesday and I'll be good to go again!

After the beach we came home and showered and were off for a grill out with some other friends. After that we all went to some other friends and watched the fireworks off of lake Mac. Busy day but lots of fun.

One thing is for sure...dad is tired!

Thank you all so much for the prayers over the past few weeks. It's been, and will continue to be, a tough road. You guys are awesome!

.

Friday, July 1, 2011: 3 Weeks

2011-07-01T21:37:00.000-04:00

9:55PM was the official time of death. The gasp she made and the look on her face still haunt me. I can still see it like it was yesterday. I hate it, absolutely hate it. Yes, I'm "OK", but I still hate it. The pain is still very raw.

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Tuesday, June 28, 2011: Baby Steps

2011-06-28T23:25:00.002-04:00

That's what we're taking...

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June 25, 1989: Kristi and I Meet

2011-06-25T23:05:00.010-04:00

grieve ¹ (ɡriːv)

— vb
1.	to feel or cause to feel great sorrow or distress, esp at thedeath of someone

That's the definition of 'grieve' according to dictionary.com. Yup, that's an accurate description. The pain is still very raw. Today, I turned around in the bathroom and I saw some of her jewelry hanging on a stand on the counter. Seems like just yesterday she was wearing that. That led into me sorting through all of her jewelry...including the little pouch that the funeral home returned Friday. Inside the pouch was her wedding ring and what she had on at visitation.

22 years ago tonight Kristi and I met in Grand Haven. I was driving the circuit with a friend and she was walking the boardwalk with a friend. I shouted something really smooth out the window as we drove by and I had her hook, line and sinker! (I believe it was something like "hey babe!"). The rest, as they say, is history. I only remember the date because it is exactly 6 months to Christmas...and of course, Kristi bought me a 6 month anniversary present...on Christmas day...and I said, 'um, whuuut?' So that's how I always remembered our meeting date. But, in my defense, her birthday is December 17. So, I had to cover her birthday (which she made perfectly clear on our 2nd date - you NEVER combine a birthday present and Christmas present), and Christmas! There's no way she could have expected me to remember our 6 month anniversary date, right?! I didn't think so either!

It's been another tough week. So many things around the house remind me of Kristi. Jewelry, clothes, books, hand written notes to remind her to do something, her last scribbles she made in her final days, etc. Everything. I was describing to a friend the other day that everything in this house is Kristi. Every time I turn around there she is. It seems like yesterday she was walking through this house. It all happened so fast.

We did get out Wednesday and visited some friends at a cottage they rented. A day of sea-doo'ing, tubing and fun was just what we needed. On the ride home Ashley said, "Dad, that was the funnest day of summer break!". We need more of those days!

Nathan, me, and Ashley

Friday, June 24, 2011: Celebrating Kristi's Life

2011-06-24T12:11:00.001-04:00

Here is the video that was shared during Kristi's funeral service...

Kristi Rogalske, the Courage to Shine from Calvary Church on Vimeo.

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Sunday, June 19, 2011: Father's Day 2011

2011-06-19T22:20:00.020-04:00

Well, nothing like starting off this new life with a big holiday: Father's Day. Kristi used to take all the kids shopping and get me something special for Father's Day. Then there was always Kristi to burden most of the "duties" on Father's Day to give me, the father, a day all to myself; whatever I wanted to do. Yup, kick back and yell to the kids to bring me this, bring me that. OK, so maybe it didn't work quite like that, but Father's Day in the past was always a very special day.

It was different this year. For one, we didn't go to church...not ready for that yet. There was no Kristi next to me in bed to wake up to...and my traditional bad joke... "well baby, better get ready to work some OT today!". Just woke up to silence...which I guess is a blessing...and it will be, in time. After taking a shower I went downstairs to my three kids...all sitting at the dining table. They had "prepared" breakfast (bagels), had my cup of coffee ready and all greeted me with an exuberant "happy Father's Day!". It was quite awesome!

After breakfast we went over to the couch where each one presented their gift and card to me. It was quite beautiful. After reading Emily's card she said "turn it over, Daddy, I drewed (her way of saying 'drew') a picture on the back, look, it's our family, all 5 of us." She had drawn 5 little stick figures representing our family. Then she went on to say "I even drewed mommy". Yup, you sure did, dear.You sure did. I held it in for as long as I could and after Nathan and Emily left the room I lost it. Just lost it. Started crying. Ashley was sitting behind me and started rubbing my back...then she started crying. I stopped crying and gathered myself long enough to hold it in while the kids got distracted again. Then I quickly left the room and went upstairs to my bedroom...where I cried like I've never cried before. I just cried and cried. Loud cries. Even slammed my fist on the night stand. I grabbed a pillow and just held it like it was Kristi. After 10 or 15 minutes Ashley came up and tried consoling me. She is just like her mother. But I just kept crying. I couldn't stop myself. I can't believe this. Seems like just yesterday she was here.

Ashley captured this video of Kristi playing Mario Cart...as you can tell by her reaction, she won. :) Keep in mind when watching this video that Kristi was in a great amount of pain. But, that was Kristi, full of life and enjoying every minute of it. For us, a cherished memory for sure. This was one of the last videos of Kristi...

I miss her so bad...more than words can express. Please pray for the hurt to start the healing process.

I've been asked several times if I am going to keep going with the blog. For now, yes. The story isn't done here. Kristi left a legacy, a legacy we're going to keep alive. I'll update through our struggles, our grieving, our journey to redefine what "normal" will be like, my struggles with becoming a dad trying to raise 3 children...2 of them girls (yikes), etc. I know Kristi would want me to keep the blog going. So, yes, I intend on keeping it going...who knows, maybe Ashley will become my new writing partner. I said "maybe" Ashley...don't get your hopes up. :) hi honey, I love you!!

Until next time, thanks for continuing to hold us up in prayer!

'

Thursday, June 16, 2011: Adjusting

2011-06-16T21:57:00.002-04:00

Wow, what a whirlwind the past 8 weeks have been. Everything happened so fast. It's still hard to process that she's really gone. It just seems like yesterday that...

The funeral service yesterday was incredible. I've heard many people say "the most moving funeral service they've ever attended". I agree! What a tribute to an amazing woman.

We're all adjusting to life without mom. It's been hard so far, but we're only a few days into it. "They tell me time heals". When people make similar comments the cynical part of me always wants to ask who the "they" is they're speaking about...but anyway, I'm counting on it...I'll add "Time, and prayer, heals"

I'll write more soon. I need to get some stuff done.

'

Saturday, June 11, 2011: Funeral & Visitation Info.

2011-06-11T16:54:00.002-04:00

2 visitations:
Monday, June 13, from 6:00 - 9:00 PM
Tuesday, June 14, from 4:00 - 7:00 PM

Langeland-Sterenberg Funeral Home
315 E 16th Street
Holland, MI 49423

Funeral:
Wednesday, June 15, at 4:00 PM

Calvary Christian Reformed Church
400 Beeline Road
Holland, MI 49424

.

Saturday, June 11, 2011: Kristi is Finally Home

2011-06-11T11:06:00.001-04:00

Kristi passed away peacefully last night with her mom and dad, Aunt Diane, and myself at her side. She is now resting cancer-free, pain free, and most importantly, in the comforting arms of Jesus. After all that she has been through over the past 4 and a half years, we take solace knowing that she has finally met Jesus. I’m sure that He was just as captivated as we all were by her great big, contagious smile when she came running towards Him.

Last week, Kristi said this: "When I get to heaven, I'll get as close as I can to the front row and I’ll save you all seats."

The following days, weeks and months we will mourn for her loss, we will miss her gentleness and we will yearn for one of those heart-warming smiles. But rest assured, God will be our provider of comfort, healing and understanding, and one day we too will be united with Jesus.

Visitation and funeral information will follow.

I love you Kristi and will miss you until we meet again.

.

Thursday, June 9, 2011: Checked Out

2011-06-09T22:45:00.000-04:00

Kristi is awake quite a bit during the day but to say she's lucid during that time would be a gross overstatement. I spent most of the morning and the early afternoon with her (at one time we even snuggled in her bed) but yet, when her dad was sitting next to her later in the afternoon she asked him "has Brian been here today?" Ouch.

Often times she will ask a question and you give her an answer, then she will look into space for several seconds, then ask you "what are you talking about?" Many times it's very difficult to even determine what she's talking about. This is quite a change even from yesterday.

She has also developed quite a rattle in her breathing. It's so hard to listen to. It just seems from day to day there are some pretty significant changes happening. I realize this is all a normal progression of "the process", but it sucks (ir)regardless.

I watched her tonight and just cried. Then cried some more. And then some more. It really hurts just sitting on the sideline watching someone die; and die slowly. When you ask her she says she doesn't feel any discomfort, so that's somewhat comforting.

There was one nice surprise today...Aunt Diane arrived from Mexico. We don't get to see her much so she is always good to see...and Kristi was very happy to see her.

Anyway, that's where we're at. Good night.

.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011: A Sweet Embrace

2011-06-07T23:59:00.001-04:00

Not much to report out on Kristi today...she just continues to get weaker and weaker. The tumor on the left side of her neck that she had radiation treatments for has grown quite large. You can see a very prominent lump under her left ear about the size of an egg...maybe sticks out about 5 - 10mm. Her spirits remain very high as she continues to delight the nurses and doctors with her humor. She is going out with grace, dignity, humor, beauty, and can look back on her life and say "I made a difference".

This whole experience is surreal. Kristi summed it up best when she said: "so you're all just basically sitting around waiting for me to die." To which I replied: "well, honey, you can word it that way I guess, but I prefer to say 'we're waiting for you to go running into Jesus' arms.' " Then she says..."you're funny".

I look at her and ask myself 'could I be in her spot and be as calm and peaceful as her?' I have to be honest...I think I'd be scared to...well, death. She just lies there as if to say to herself "OK, any day now".

Ashley came to visit with her today. This was a risky decision but after her last visit when their separation was enough to break the heart of even the toughest, most hardened criminal, I felt I had to bring her back for a better "good-bye". Sure glad I did! Seeing the look on Kristi's face when she saw Ashley was priceless. It was her biggest smile of the day; she even reached out to hug her. It was a very sweet moment. The two of them just chatted for about 10 minutes about who knows what. Doesn't matter. There was a big embrace and maybe just a couple of tears this time when it was time to go. After Ashley left the room Kristi reached for me to hug and as we hugged she whispered into my ear "thank you, that was the best decision ever". Whew! I was nervous, but Ashley did awesome. She has matured so much through this ordeal it is amazing. She is amazing. And I know she's reading this so don't let it go to your head. Clean your room. Love you!

OK, enough for tonight.

.

Monday, June 6, 2011: No Update Tonight

2011-06-06T23:25:00.001-04:00

Tired.

.

Sunday, June 5, 2011: Day 12 - Expressions

2011-06-05T23:59:00.001-04:00

We've been blessed these past 2 days by a return of some coherence...by Kristi, just to clarify. The doctor stopped one of her meds and she has regained some alertness. Today we all (Kristi's family and I) spoke to her at different times and we all got an "I love you". This morning when I came back (I slept at home last night) I got a great big smile and a hug and my "I love you" that I have been craving. It was so nice. She can only whisper a few words at a time but she whispered the ones we've all been wanting to hear - "I love you".

Tuesday will mark 2 weeks without food and 1 week without water. The only thing she has eaten for the past 2 weeks has been a few ice chips. Her arms are looking very frail and her face is very thin. When I spoke to her yesterday she whispered softly into my ear "very peaceful, very quiet, very still". When I was reading to her this morning I read some random Psalms, one of which was Psalm 4...Psalm 4 ends with this verse: "I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." How fitting!

I had to leave the kids again tonight. That's getting to be a tougher and tougher process. I can tell it's really starting to wear on the kids. The hugs are getting longer...less willing to let go; the eyes are getting tearier; their faces sadder. They're getting tired; they miss their daddy. They miss some resemblance of normal - whatever that ends up being. Pray for the kids tonight.

That's all for tonight. Kristi needs some more ice chips. Gotta go!

Good night.

.

Friday, June 3, 2011: Day 10

2011-06-03T21:07:00.001-04:00

When we arrived at Hospice by ambulance last week Tuesday I certainly didn't think we would be here 10 days! The morning after we checked in our case manager nurse here at the Hospice House said "it could be a week to 10 days". I thought to myself "you're crazy, lady!". Man, she must not have read Kristi's report, I thought to myself. Well, here we are...10 days later!

Although this week and a half has been somewhat therapeutic for me (and Kristi's family) to get my last "good-bye" in and my last hug and "I love you", it hasn't been a whole lot of fun for Kristi. They have the pain meds now to a point where she doesn't feel anything...and for me, that's the most important thing. I have to admit, when I hop in her bed and snuggle up next to her before I go to bed at night it feels really good. Her skin is so warm, so soft. Sigh.

Kristi's sister got a nice surprise tonight...when Lori was telling Kristi good-bye for the night Kristi opened her eyes and mouthed two "I love you's" to Lori! Wow. I'm glad Lori was here for that...she needed that! Man, that was incredible!!

Well, that's all for day number 10. Until day 11, have a good night....time to go snuggle!!

.

Thursday, June 2, 2011: Like Mother Like Daughter...

2011-06-02T23:49:00.004-04:00

Oh, the memories we have together,

I sure do wish they could last forever.

I don't understand why God is calling you home,

but there is a reason, that is for now, unknown.

We always walked together, but now we must part.

I want you to know, that you are always, in my heart.
'

by: Ashley Rogalske

Wednesday, June 1, 2011: Hospice Day 8

2011-06-01T22:50:00.003-04:00

Day 8 is ending much like day 7 began...with Kristi nearly unresponsive to any verbal or physical interaction. She is down to very few words a day. In fact, I have not heard her speak once today. But, apparently when I was home saying 'hi' to the kids she spoke to the nurse: the nurse told Kristi she was going to give her some more pain meds to which Kristi replied "awe, you're so nice." Seriously, this is what she said! Keep in mind she's hardly spoken for 2 days!! Now why doesn't that surprise me?!

It's very difficult to see her like she is right now. It's just not her. She's flat on her back, pale, very still, her only movement is when her body twitches, the only noise she makes is when she gasps for air, and her mouth is open because her jaw muscles have relaxed. It's tough to look at, just plain tough. This past week has sucked every last bit of emotion out of me. At times I feel like a walking emotionless zombie...all my emotions have been tapped out. Drained. Empty.

Tonight, after visiting with the kids for a while, Nathan had tears in his eyes when it was time for me to come back to the Hospice House. He didn't want me to leave. Oh man, the things that must be going through his mind. Last night Ashley was begging me to stay home and tonight Nathan has these big tears in his eyes.

I feel like I'm being attacked from every angle; like someone is trying to make me crack. That 'someone' keeps forgetting about you guys - our prayer warriors! This is some of the most gut wrenching stuff ever to live through and we are very fortunate to have thousands of people all over the world praying for us. So we try to keep this in mind (I read this to Kristi today):

¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

I'll end with that. Good night.

.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011: Peacefully Resting

2011-05-31T21:03:00.004-04:00

After a rough night of pain and panic attacks last night Kristi finally rested peacefully today. This comes at a price of course as she is now pretty much unresponsive. It's very difficult to see her like she is now - very still, too still. She has been unresponsive since this morning. I rubbed her cheek tonight with my cheek and whispered "I love you" into her ear and she responded by grabbing my hand and squeezing...so I know she heard me.

I had a chance to read through a bunch of poems Kristi has written throughout the years and came across this one she wrote when her grandma died:

Final Goodbye

Death is such a difficult thing

and so hard to comprehend.

So many broken hearts

that do not quickly mend.

I just don’t understand

why people have to die.

It grieves my heart so badly

to see my family cry.

I know that death is better

than living here on earth,

for our treasure is in heaven

after that miraculous rebirth.

The pain I feel right now

will slowly fade away,

but the memories I have of you grandma –

they are here to stay.

There are several more dealing with depression, anxiety, grief and faith and they are all very powerful. Many of these I have never read. What an amazing legacy she will leave behind; I am so proud of her.

That's all I can muster up tonight for an update. Tired. Emotionally drained. Physically drained. mentally drained.

Good night.

Monday, May 30, 2011: Can She Come Home Now?

2011-05-30T23:51:00.001-04:00

Lord, please take her. End her suffering. Please please please...

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Sunday, May 29, 2011: Getting Physical

2011-05-29T23:59:00.002-04:00

Blog entry number 700. Who would have thunk it?!

The changes in Kristi are becoming more apparent as her physical appearance is starting to change. The most noticeable change I saw today was in her arms. Her face is appearing thinner but her arms have become very bony. It was probably a gradual progression all week but I just noticed her arms today. It startled me when I noticed them; freaked me out. I had to leave her room and go cry in the hallway. I didn't know what else to do.

Tonight I finally got around to transferring some pictures from my camera to Kristi's laptop. I had some pictures from Ashley's last soccer game. I got some really sweet action shots of Ashley that I wanted to show Kristi.
When I told her about them she looked like she knew what I was talking about and acted like she wanted to see them. I got excited and was going to get the laptop when she started talking about something I couldn't understand. When I asked her about the pictures again she said "what pictures? Oh I'm so confused. What am I supposed to do?" and she started talking about wanting to "go right now". Sigh. Thought I had her back for a moment. I know, I know. I need to let go; and I have...for the most part...but every now and then she appears very coherent and it's so nice to get those moments...just wish they would last...like another 40 years maybe.

Speaking of pictures, here is a picture of our weekend getaway about 3 weekends ago. We received an anonymous gift of a 2 night stay at the downtown Grand Rapids JW Marriott. It was the week leading up to this getaway weekend when Kristi's pain really began to intensify. Even though Kristi was in a great deal of pain all weekend and spent most of it in bed, we did have a great time. We had adjoining rooms which made it very convenient for having a "boys' room and girls' room" for the first night and the 2nd night Nathan and I had "movie night" in mom and dad's room. After the movie I kicked Nathan out of course in exchange for Kristi. :) Anyway, here is a family picture I took as we were packing up to leave.

Thank you to the anonymous donors!

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Saturday, May 28, 2011: Progressing

2011-05-28T22:13:00.004-04:00

Another noticeable decline in Kristi's connection with reality today. Very little emotion when you speak with her. Not many smiles today at all either. When you talk to her she has a blank stare. It's all a normal progression of the dying process but is hard to just sit and watch. Kristi's parents and brother were here most of the day with me which helped make the day go faster...I also had a chance to take a break and go home for a bit this afternoon...that was very nice.

The nurse makes it sound like it could be a few more days...brutal.

Anyway, I thought I would share this note from Nathan's 5th grade teacher and class (with her permission):

"Dear Parents,

Today we presented Nathan with a prayer blanket. Each child spent time by the blanket in prayer for Nathan and his family. Then they tied a knot on the blanket to symbolize the prayer that was offered on the Rogalske's behalf. We then gathered as a whole class with Nathan and his blanket and prayed a special prayer over him. It was evident that Nathan was honored by our symbol of love and care for him. Please take a moment to view these pictures and see the Christian love that our students exhibit for each other. Then please pray a prayer for the Rogalske's as Kristi is nearing her heavenly homecoming."

What an amazing school!

Blessings.

.

Friday, May 27, 2011: Fading and Bittersweet

2011-05-27T20:39:00.009-04:00

Though the physical change in Kristi was less dramatic today, her level of consciousness is heartbreaking. Remember that lit up face and great big heart warming smile I talked about yesterday...it's dimmed to little more than a slight flicker. She still recognized me this morning, but it was a struggle for her to muster up even a very slight smile. It broke my heart. Sure, I know she is nearing the end, but nothing like reality kicking you right in the gut. It literally took my breath away. I felt alone and isolated. "This is it" I thought to myself. There's nothing I can do but watch.

It's evening now and her parents left a while ago. While they were here I went home to say good bye to the kids for the weekend (Kristi's sister is taking them). After the kids and Lori left I just sat on the staircase for a while. The silence was deafening. As I walked around the house I saw Kristi in every room. I just wandered around the house aimlessly...sobbing. Kristi was such a big piece of my life puzzle. She was the glue that held this family together. I now will have to rely only on memories. Fortunately, I have taken over 13,000 pictures since we've been married. All of the photos pre-digital I have scanned and made into digital files. Whenever you come over to our house you can always find at least one computer scrolling through the pictures (screen saver). I love to watch them, but it does bring back a lot of memories.

God will give us the strength to get through this, I have no doubt about that and Kristi will get her wish soon. I am very excited for her on one hand, but can't help but be overwhelmingly sad on the other. Bittersweet, that's what it is.

.

Thursday, May 26, 2011: The Bravest Person I've Ever Met

2011-05-26T23:05:00.005-04:00

How many of us could be (literally) on our death bed, in our final moments, each breath a struggle, every word nearly impossible to speak, be completely honest and say "I wish he'd beam me up already!"? That's what Kristi said today...that's my girl! She is the bravest, most courageous woman I know.

This girl is amazing. She is so excited to get to heaven she is getting frustrated at waiting. The other night she was chanting "take me now, take me now, take me now". When I sit in the lounging area of our room sometimes I just stare at her. She sleeps most of the time but when she wakes up and sees me, her face just lightens up, her eyes open as wide as they possibly can and she gets this great big smile. Then she nods off again. But for those 3 or 4 seconds my heart just melts. It doesn't matter if it's the first time of the day or the 100th time of the day...every time she smiles at me like it's the first time. I will miss that smile the most.

What keeps me going is how excited she gets when she talks about meeting Jesus face to face. She is so ready to go and that brings some healing to the hole that will be left in our hearts. I asked her today if she wanted me to post a prayer request on her behalf. This is her prayer request:

"God, please take Kristi home to Jesus now; she is ready"

When I told Ashley this, she said behind a face drenched with a steady flow of tears, "then that's what we have to pray for, Dad". I lost it. Absolutely lost it.

Thank you, Ashley, for your courage, and for reminding us "old" people that it's not always about us, about what we want. You are wise beyond your years. I love you, Dad.

Good night.

.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011: Still Peaceful

2011-05-25T23:37:00.001-04:00

We brought Kristi to the Hospice House this afternoon to rest peacefully and that is what she is doing. She looks so peaceful right now. Sorry to those friends and family that wanted to visit with her but couldn't. She went very quickly. Hard to believe just 3 weeks ago she was attending soccer games, driving the kids to school, laughing, smiling, etc. Just a little more than a week ago we were visiting with friends in the neighborhood street for over an hour. And now we're down to her last hours.

This is a very tough time. Thank you for all of the prayers...what an awesome display of Christian love you all have shown us.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011: Peaceful

2011-05-25T01:19:00.000-04:00

Kristi's condition has turned very grave. Her breathing has become very shallow and she is very weak. Our Hospice nurse has said she is really down to her final few days, probably no more than 3.

Kristi told our pastor tonight she is very peaceful and very ready to go; that brings a lot of comfort knowing where she is at emotionally and spiritually. Please cover my family as well as Steve and Linda Kammeraad, Kevin (brother) and Stephanie Kammeraad, Lori Fox (sister) and their kids in prayer.

Thank you so so so much.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011: A Better Morning

2011-05-24T06:57:00.000-04:00

After about 3:00AM, Kristi slept about a 3 hour stretch. This is the longest stretch she's had in quite a while...that felt good for both of us. The day is off to a good start!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011: On the Decline

2011-05-24T00:33:00.002-04:00

Kristi's condition continues to decline. Her coherent moments are becoming less frequent and shorter in duration. She is very confused and hallucinates often. This is very difficult to watch. She is up every 15-30 minutes at night to go to the bathroom. Today she got a catheter in but she thinks she has to go so she gets up anyway. She then goes to the bathroom and slips in and out of alertness while on the toilet...this can last up to 30-45 minutes.

When she sees family her mind is still very much "with it", but then she is usually confused after they leave. "Who was here today?"

Very difficult.

Saturday, May 21, 2011: Update on Kristi

2011-05-21T22:27:00.001-04:00

I haven't updated on Kristi's condition in a while because we had many family and friends we needed to talk to first. This change came on very sudden. 3 weeks ago she was driving, picking the kids up after school, going to soccer games, having coffee with friends, etc. then out of nowhere, it seems, everything stopped. The swelling in her feet became unbearable. Her stomach has grown to what she describes as "7 months pregnant". It is really unbelievable.

She is pretty much in bed 24 hours a day. She spends most of her time in our bedroom, but usually for a bit in the morning and in the evening she comes down to her hospital bed in the living room. She is on a good amount of pain control medication (aka morphine) which makes her pretty incoherent and confused much of the day. But, she still has her sense of humor and that cute little smile.

Well, it's been an hour between putting everyone to bed and starting this so I'm going to go watch some meaningless TV. I'll fill in more later.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011: New Beginnings

2011-05-18T21:30:00.003-04:00

When I was younger I liked this song called "Closing Time" by a group named Semisonic. There's a line in the song that I reflect on every time I hear the song: "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end".

Together you, myself, and Kristi have bravely endured this cancer journey for four and a half years; a journey that has brought so many highs and so many lows; a journey that has spread God's word to all 50 states and over 80 countries across the world. Together, we have done this and have proven that good things can come from life's most challenging circumstances. Together, we have demonstrated how God's love can shine even in the darkest of times.

Our journey together began on January 23, 2007 and continues on through today. Like most journeys, however, this journey too is drawing to an end and a new journey will soon begin. When the new journey begins only God knows.

Today, we are faced with the reality that Kristi is going Home to be with Jesus soon. Her health has deteriorated to a point that makes Hospice believe we are down to but a few short weeks. God's work here with Kristi is almost complete and so we will, again together, mourn for her passing but celebrate the legacy she is leaving behind.

For Kristi, however, a new journey begins: Kristi will soon be walking side by side with Jesus. I can see it now: Kristi will be President of His card stamping club! Something urgent must have come up (in heaven) that requires many new cards to be stamped that has made God decide He would like her sooner rather than later. So it is.

The coming weeks will be very emotional as she begins to say 'good-bye' to many of her friends. Kristi has influenced so many people over the years that makes saying 'see you later' (instead of 'good-bye') to each and every one impossible. If you're hearing of this for the first time by reading it on the blog we are very sorry. Please understand. You know Kristi: if she could she would be going around to everyone personally...even our international followers. :)

As I said, the next few weeks will be very emotional as she will soon not be able to have a coherent conversation much longer as things progress. For right now, she is coherent a few hours a day...and those hours we cherish. No one knows what tomorrow brings so for now we just live day to day. I'm hoping that one day soon Kristi can muster enough energy for one more post; she has wanted to but just can't get the strength or focus.

In the meantime, please continue to cover her, myself and the kids, her parents, sister and brother, and all the family in prayer. Many prayers will be needed. Thank you all so much!

Friday, May 13, 2011: This will be hard...

2011-05-13T13:35:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry for not keeping up to date; I know the silence must be difficult for those that follow our blog.

We are not ready to share everything at this time but it's important that I share this with you: know that Kristi's health has taken a sudden turn for the worse. But also be comforted by the fact that she is getting very good care at home right now. She still has a lot of pain and is very confused, but she can still smile and laugh so that helps. I will share more when we get her stabilized, but right now things are a whirlwind.

At this time we're asking that only immediate family visit. As I said, Kristi is very confused with everything going on and visitors coming and going makes her very unsettled.

Thanks for understanding and I'll share more when I know more...because I am also very confused with everything going on.

For now, please pray for comfort, peace, guidance, strength and patience for our family over the next few weeks. Thank you.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011: Keep 'Em Coming

2011-05-10T22:55:00.000-04:00

Please keep the prayers coming for Kristi. She is still in a lot of pain and very uncomfortable all the time. We're not quite sure what's happening at this point but what we do know is that she has a lot of pain and swelling. Right now we are in need of many prayers. Prayers for comfort for Kristi, understanding for the kids, and strength for me would be greatly appreciated.

Perseverance. We will persevere.

Sunday, May 8, 2011: Prayers

2011-05-08T20:50:00.002-04:00

I don't want to go into a lot of details right now but please pray hard for Kristi. She has been in an extreme amount of pain since last week and needs comfort. Thank you!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011: New Furniture...

2011-05-03T12:38:00.002-04:00

Normally one would be excited and waiting in anticipation of the delivery of a new piece of furniture. You would have spent hours shopping for it together, debating back and forth whether you should go with plaid or a solid color, extra soft cushions for comfort? or firm cushions for better support? do you match the carpet or do you match the paint on the walls? So many choices to make and quite fun actually…and the new arrangement of furniture that would ensue…!

But not so much fanfare with the piece of furniture we’re getting delivered today. Nope. Not this one. Today is a bittersweet day: today we get the hospice bed delivered. Bittersweet because the bed will help with Kristi’s swelling and pain, but bad at the same time because we’re getting a hospice bed delivered; bad because of what the bed represents. We will try to decorate the bed and make it as cheery as possible for the kids, but for me, it will be a reminder of what’s yet to come. The pain she has yet to endure. The buckets of tears that will be shed over this bed.

For now we just wait. Wait for that truck to pull up in the driveway to deliver the bed.

Thursday, April 28, 2011: Super Short Update

2011-04-28T21:12:00.001-04:00

What a fast couple of days! Basically both doctors appointments went well - they both thought I looked great! We're going to make a few medication changes over the weekend to try to keep my pain managed . . . actually the goal is to get the medications to a place that I don't have any pain . . . . I think I like that goal :)

It was nice seeing Dr. VanderWoude again and Dr. Phillips (the Hospice doctor) was very approachable, friendly and has my best interests as his first priority. What we were expecting to be "downer, reality visits" were actually really good visits. Yea God :)

I will update more another day . . . right now the only thing that sounds good is going to bed. Thanks for the prayers!!

Monday, April 25, 2011: Resurrection

2011-04-25T14:30:00.003-04:00

Resurrection. That's a big word. Four syllables. I can still remember teaching Ashley how to spell the word "resurrection" in first grade. It was a "bonus" word and I thought how in the world am I going to teach my tiny little girl this great big word.

I had a brainstorm. It is a big word but if you break it down it has a fun rhythm to it. First we learned "res", then "urr", "ect", and "ion". Before long she was chanting "res". . . "urr". . . "ect" . . ."ion". And then just a few years later Nathan had the same thing when he was in first grade and he conquered that word just the same way his sister did!

Resurrection was a word we heard often in yesterdays sermon. Not only is it a big word with lot of syllables and letters but it is a powerful word.   In the sermon we learned about the power that word can have in our lives. I've looked up the definition for resurrection and there are so many different ways to define it but basically - Jesus died and rose from the dead - resurrection!. It doesn't get more basic than that. That is power. And He lives in me. That power lives within me.

God has been very "vocal" with me lately. I've had devotional after devotional hit me right between the eyes. Songs feel like they are being sung to me. Bible verses just jump off the page.  Some days I feel like He is saying that I need to prepare myself for "reality". Other days I feel like a miracle is coming and that I need to pray harder and bolder.   I'll be honest - I keep trying to "twist" what I am hearing to my liking - to try and make them "my" plans.

I have had a lot of swelling and pain recently. I don't like pain. Pain makes my reality much more real. And I don't like seeing my family watch me in pain. I have an appointment with my oncologist this week and also with the Hospice doctor. These will both be "reality" checks and I know the details that we will be given will be hard to hear.

I mentioned that my devotionals have been very personal lately. Yesterday's spoke even louder and it was very hard for me to "hear".   Actually, I heard it loud and clear, it's the "accepting" part that I'm struggling with.  This devotion talked about genuine faith. Genuine faith means we need to "hand our circumstances over to God allowing Him to work". She referenced Psalm 37:5 "commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this". He will never work until we commit. Yikes. How can He work out His plans for me when I'm still holding onto them?

I will end with a story the writer shared in the devotional from the same day - this is the part that I struggle with. It is a letter that a young man wrote to an elderly mother who was extremely worried about the condition of her son. He wrote "You are worrying too much about him. Once you have prayed for him, as you have done, and committed him to God, you should not continue to be anxious. If we truly have cast our burdens upon another, can they continue to pressure us? If we carry them with us from the throne of grace, it is obvious we have not left them there.

Yikes again. It is obvious to me that I have not left everything with Him with regards to my life. I can't do that on my own though. Which I guess brings me back to that big, long, powerful word . . . . resurrection. Jesus rose from the dead. That's power. He lives in me. That power is in me through the Holy Spirit.

Right now I picture a sky filled with bright colorful balloons. They are all my hopes and dreams and prayers and fears and requests and I'm sending them up to God. I want to let them all go. All of them. But I have a few strings and I've tied them to my finger. They are tied on tightly.

I also have a huge, huge, huge prayer network out there reading this update (if you've made it with me through this long one!!). Right now I ask for prayers that I can let go of those last strings. I'm not giving up . . . . I'm giving up control to the One who sees the whole picture and to the One who knows what is best for me.

Please also pray this prayer for Brian and the kids. We are all at such different places in dealing with this. No matter what - I want this time with my family to be centered around God and His plans for our family and that again, no matter what - it is all done for His glory.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:15-16

Monday, April 18, 2011: Very Short Update

2011-04-18T22:22:00.000-04:00

I talked to my nurse today and we've "tweaked" some medications. I also started an antibiotic because I may have a bladder infection. I've noticed some improvement already today with the swelling and pain. I still have both but they are lessening and that means we're moving in the right direction.

Reality is still reality and it stinks. But, less pain and bloating is a good thing.

Sunday, April 17, 2011: Just Swell

2011-04-17T22:33:00.000-04:00

I wish I could say everything is just swell, but I'd be lying. The swelling and abdominal cramping is extremely painful and is wearing on her. She has been having difficulty getting out of bed, standing up or even walking short distances. It's very difficult to watch. I feel like I'm standing on the sidelines watching my wife slowly die and there's nothing I can do but watch. Just watch. Watching one of the most loving and gentle people you will ever get to know suffer.

Today was especially difficult...it was our 18th wedding anniversary. Without a miracle from God, our 18th and last...and that just plain sucks. The day went by for the most part like any other we've had recently. We didn't do anything special to celebrate. No fancy hotel. No fancy meal. No fancy wine. Nope. Celebration would be bitter sweet. Maybe later, just not today.

Tomorrow we'll be calling her oncologist to ask questions about the swelling. We have heard of other cancer patients getting fluid drained (sometimes liters of fluid) so we want to ask. And also ask her what's causing the swelling. Is it normal? Is it a side effect of one of her meds? etc.

Well, every one's in bed but me...time to wrap it up I guess. Thanks for continued prayers.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011: Busy. Quiet. Still.

2011-04-13T08:00:00.001-04:00

That sums up the past few weeks for us. We’ve been pretty busy living life; life seems to be pretty quiet right now and we’ve been quietly still as of late. As long as Kristi doesn’t overdo herself she’s been feeling OK. If you’ve seen her recently, yes, her face is swollen. We think it’s the steroids making her retain water. She has cut back on her steroids to half the dose - water retention is not uncommon with steroids.

She also has quite a bit of bloating in her stomach that at times can be extremely uncomfortable; this is the reason she walks around holding her stomach.

We enjoyed a nice trip to the Creation Museum (http://creationmuseum.org/) in Northern Kentucky over spring break. We had enough Mariott points to earn 2 free nights stay so we stayed at a nice hotel downtown Cincinnati. At the museum the kids even got to ride a camel…so all was good.

Like I said, all in all, pretty quiet.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011: Thank You Times One Thousand!

2011-03-29T22:46:00.001-04:00

Blown away. Shock and awe. Amazed. Humbled. Blessed. Very blessed. All those describe how we felt Saturday night and how we feel right now. What an amazing night. Whether you prayed for the event, helped organize it, donated to it, worked at it, or came and experienced it – THANK YOU! Over 800 dinner plates were served and over a thousand attended! We don’t have any final numbers yet, but it looks like we will be able to pay off all of our medical debt accrued over the last 4+ years with maybe $2,000 left over. Praise God!! God was at work all night; every detail was covered. Somehow the food that was planned for 600 stretched far enough to feed over 800, the chess tournament that was in the school before our event ended 2 hours early (which allowed the team to get in and set everything up), the weather was awesome and the people flooded through the doors all night long! It was so amazing to experience.

Based on all the smiles we saw it looked like everyone was having a good time. The mood was very upbeat all night long considering what the event was for. The "event organizers" (like that?!) did an amazing job at fostering an atmosphere of positive energy. In reality, this event was put together because someone is dying from cancer. Someone that was told they have only 6 months to live. If a stranger happened to walk into Holland Christian Saturday night they would have never guessed that from the atmosphere that filled the school that night! There was so much going on and so many people to talk to that we never thought of it that way. It was just amazing!

The list of people to thank for planning, organizing and helping is far too long to list. From my point of view this is what you did for my family: you created an evening that my kids will remember for the rest of their lives. You created a moment in time where my entire family felt “extra special”. This event created for my kids a tangible example of what faith, hope and love is all about. My kids will always remember what the rewards are for remaining part of a community. A community will come together in times of need. It demonstrated to my kids how to “love thy neighbor as thyself”. I could go on and on. My point is that this night created a memory for my family that will be everlasting, so thank you so so so much.

What can a guy say?! All of you had a significant impact on our lives.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Sunday, March 27, 2011: Love Was Shining!

2011-03-27T08:24:00.002-04:00

Love. That is the word that keeps coming into my head. Lots and lots of love. There was so much love shining at the fundraiser last night! There was the love of God. Everywhere. And the love of people. So many, many, many people!

We talked to the kids when we got home and although we were exhausted we all had an amazing time. Brian and I were able to separate ourselves somewhat "emotionally" from the fact that everything going on was for our family. I apologize if we seemed "underwhelmed" by the magnitude of everything . . . . it was just so surreal. As we talked to the kids it really started to sink in. We are touched beyond words at the love and support that has been shown to our family.

There are so many people to thank that we don't even know where to begin so for right now I want to focus on the one word that God keeps putting into my head. Love. That is what this all comes back to. God loves you. All of you - yes, each and every single person reading this blog - God loves you. We saw that love in emotional and tangible ways last night in words that can't be described.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-6

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

Friday, March 25, 2011: Finally An Update

2011-03-25T10:05:00.001-04:00

It's been a long week. A weird week. A fast week. Monday's appointment went as well as could be expected. We still have details to finalize but I'm glad that we have a lot of the "pre-planning" done and a lot of decisions made.

I've had some trouble with swelling this week but this morning I think my ankle actually looks normal! I've noticed that my eating habits haven't been great lately . . . lots of comfort food. I know people will tell me to eat what sounds good but in reality what I am eating is directly impacting how I feel so I need to make some better food choices.

On the cold front with the kids I think we're okay . . . just a few sniffles but this crazy weather probably has something to do with that. I loved the sunshine yesterday! I can handle the cold as long as there is blue skies and sunshine with it. Of course warm weather, blue skies and sunshine sound pretty good to me too!

The kids are very excited about the fundraiser tomorrow night. To be honest, Brian and I are a bit anxious. We are so grateful to everyone and all the work that is being put into it. Our anxiety comes from the "reality" that goes along with why we are being blessed with this fundraiser. I know I mentinoed this in my last post but I want to ask once more that when you see us just treat us like we are "normal" and there to celebrate (which we are!!). And we are so thankful - there isn't a word big enough to express our thankfulness!

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7

Sunday, March 20, 2011: Reality

2011-03-20T16:19:00.000-04:00

Reality. I don't much care for that word. As I tried to come up with a title for this post though that was the word that kept popping into my head. This week has a big "reality" coming up for us. First though, I know there are a few people that will appreciate the warning that this post will most likely need a box of kleenex nearby. Sorry. Such is life.

Tomorrow afternoon Brian and I are meeting with a funeral pre-planner. She is coming to our house which is so much nicer than the thought of going to a funeral home. Prayers were clearly answered when we decided which funeral home to go with and we even have a small connection with Sue (who is coming tomorrow) through a family that attends the same church as us. We've heard wonderful things (and have already connected some with her through email) and know without a doubt we are in good hands despite the yucky subject.

We have a lot of preliminary decisions that need to be made. Both Brian and I will be "pre-planning" our funerals. Can I just say that seems insane to type. We think that doing this together will make it easier. We are not "planning" this so it's ready to be done any day now but so that whenever the day comes . . . say forty or fifty years from now . . . . all the paperwork will be done. I am so relieved at the thought of having this burden being taken care of. Just knowing that this yucky task can be checked off the "to-do" list will be a weight lifted. However, we still need to get through tomorrow's appointment.

Another reality this week is the fundraiser on Saturday. We have not been allowed to help in any way, shape or form with this. There are some awesome friends behind all this (who would shoot me if I name them but I think most of you know who they are!). I know there is an entire team of people that are pulling this all together and I know it is going to be an amazing night.

The donations that are coming in already are just phenomenal. We are humbled beyond words. Every day donations are made online and every day our jaws drop to the floor in awe and humbleness. It is so obvious that God is working through the hands and feet of this community and providing in ways for us beyond our wildest dreams.

We are planning on being at the fundraiser on Saturday and the kids are so very excited about it! It is a very strange thing for us though. We would rather be the people planning and helping with the fundraiser . . . . for another family. . . it's very different being on the receiving end. Very humbling and hard to explain.

I'm not even sure how to explain this odd request so I guess I will just say what is in my heart. When you see our family at the auction, please just treat us like we are anyone else that is there. Please don't make a big deal about the fact that we are there - we want the kids to focus on having a good time and not let the reality of why everyone is there bring their moods down. It's very surreal for us. We would love for this to just be a awesome time of celebration of God's provision through an amazing group of people. I hope that makes sense?

A quick physical update - I am still having some swelling in my ankle and also some more back pain. Nothing that is extreme and nothing that has me overly worried.

An update on Brian - his sleep apnea has been a bit worse lately. Quite often during the night I will wake up and hear him struggling to get air through his lungs. His body must be exhausted in the morning based on the sounds of his breathing - it sounds like he is using every once of energy just to get air to go through his lungs. I am sure stress is playing a part in this!

We seem to have a small bug going through the house right now with the kids - just some congestion and nothing too bad. Hopefully it will end with that . . . Ashley starts soccer tomorrow and will need all the energy she can get!! :)

Okay so this post has gone on and on so I will wrap it up now. Tomorrow our appointment is at 1:30 and we would love prayers for peace, wisdom and guidance. Tough and awkward and uncomfortable decisions need to be made.

Please also pray for the many people involved with the fundraiser this week . . . I know the last minute details can bring a lot of stress and a lot of details need to fall into place. God is in charge of all these details and He will take care of it all but please pray for everyone involved that His unexplainable peace will be experienced by all.

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19

Thursday, March 17, 2011: Random Thoughts by Kristi

2011-03-17T14:27:00.001-04:00

Brian informed me last night that it has been a while since I've posted an update. So, here I am :) I have been doing really well lately and God has been sharing a lot with me. I've actually created a couple new blogs but they are private blogs (more like journals for me) where I have been writing everything down. Some day I may share but for now I'm still learning and it's just between me and Him.

Physically I have had a little more back pain recently but I am still able to keep it under control with the pain pills. A new development I'm having is some swelling in my ankles. This started a couple days ago. I'm pretty sure it is because I was standing up too long. I've been keeping my feet elevated and it is getting better. My Hospice nurse will be here this afternoon and I'm sure she will have some advice for me.

Emotionally I have been extremely peaceful. I am mentally in a very good place. I will be honest and say the swelling in my ankles does have me a little bit concerned but not too bad.

On another note . . . I have to brag about my little brother. Kevin designed the cover for this months on-the-town magazine. And I am so excited about the fact that I was able to download and post it all by myself!!!

Playing off the optical illusion of flipping an image so the person is either smiling or frowning, author, musician, and artist Kevin Kammeraad created this month’s cover. The medical scan is that of his sister, who has been battling cancer for more than four years. When the cover is upside down, it appears the monkey is thinking about cancer, which is why the monkey is frowning. “I also found it interesting that one of my most popular songs over the years is the song ‘Up and Down Frowns,’” Kammeraad said. For more on the artist, turn to page 13 or visit Kammeraad’s website, http://www.tomatocollection.com/

They wrote an awesome article on him . . . of course how can it not be awesome when the subject (meaning Kevin of course) is awesome??

Okay so that is my random post for today. Emotionally good. Physically okay but would like to see some normal ankles again. My brother rocks.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011: One Month Ago

2011-03-09T00:05:00.000-05:00

February 9, 2011. The date we were told Kristi has less than 6 months to share with us. That would mean only 5 left. Apparently the cancer forgot who it's messin' with because if you've seen Kristi lately you'd say what I was sayin a month ago - ain't no way! No way, no how.

She is lookin' great and as long as she stays on top of her meds she feels fine too! Her Hospice nurse has her on a new steroid and it really has given her a much needed boost of energy. So life isn't half bad right now. That's why it's so hard for me to imagine putting a time limit on this thing. Ultimately, it's God who will decide when the time is right. Not us, not the doctor, not the cancer. No one. No one but God that is. And that can be said of all of us, right?! I was reading this article about "Understanding God's Time". It really is a fascinating article. Here's a link to it if you're into reading thought provoking articles: http://members.tnns.net/wordweb/msg3.htm.

Anyway, I just wanted to get an update out there and journal where we're at today, "one month after". Today, we are feeling very blessed. Blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people in an amazing community. We are feeling very peaceful.

Thanks for sharing with us!
.

Thursday, March 3, 2011: Shouting in the Silence

2011-03-03T13:45:00.000-05:00

Just over a month ago I sat in a doctors office and was told that I have six months to live. That was a tough day. I've had so many things go through my mind since that day. I've also been through many different physical symptoms. At one point I was in bed most of the time and experiencing a lot of pain (physical and emotional). People were doing everything for us. Everything.

Since then though I have been able to manage my physical pain fairly well and have been feeling quite restless. I know God is still calling me to "be still" in so many ways. I have gotten to the point that I am starting to feel useless. There are so many people in life overwhelmed right now that would love to just have a day to just be still. That's when the guilt kicks in. And the voices - oh the voices are running like crazy through what should be a silent mind.

This morning I pulled out my Jesus Calling devotional book and went to today's devotion. I haven't read this book in a while but God's timing was perfect as always. Here's what He told me today:

I love you for who you are, not for what you do. Many voices vie for control of your mind, especially when you sit in silence. You must learn to discern what is My voice and what is not. Ask My Spirit to give you this discernment. Many of My children run around in circles, trying to obey the various voices directing their lives. This results in fragmented, frustrating patterns of living. Do not fall into this trap. Walk closely with Me each moment, listening for My directives and enjoying My companionship. Refuse to let other voices tie you up in knows. My sheep know My voice and follow Me wherever I lead.

One of the bible verses this devotional referenced was John 10:1-5 . . . here is how it is translated in The Message . . . . .

"Let me set this before you as plainly as I can. If a person climbs over or through the fence of a sheep pen instead of going through the gate, you know he's up to no good—a sheep rustler! The shepherd walks right up to the gate. The gatekeeper opens the gate to him and the sheep recognize his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he gets them all out, he leads them and they follow because they are familiar with his voice. They won't follow a stranger's voice but will scatter because they aren't used to the sound of it."

Right now the silence is almost deafening. I know my Shepherd's voice but there are so many other voices trying really hard right now to sound just like His. This morning though my Shepherd shouted this devotional to me in my silence and reminded me once again . . to enjoy my companionship with Him . . . . and to be still.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011: Fund Raiser Details

2011-03-02T20:43:00.001-05:00

In yesterday's update I mentioned a fund raiser that is being planned for us . . . if you are interested in more details, click on the picture:

Click on the picture

Still surreal. Still at a loss. Still hard to believe we are "that family". Still so humbled beyond words.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011: Surreal Says It All

2011-03-01T21:41:00.000-05:00

I am really struggling lately but it's a very different kind of struggle. It's guilt. We have been blessed beyond blessed from family, friends and strangers - church, community and school. All of are needs are being taken care of. And now an amazing fund raiser is being put on for us. It just seems so surreal. I'm fine. There isn't anything wrong with me. Okay so I take more pain pills than the average person and I occasionally ride around in a wheelchair named "Breezy". I do have quite a few scars running up and down my stomach - battle wounds! Yeah, so a doctor may have told me I have less than six months to live. Whatever. Right now it just doesn't seem real. My pain medications seems to have my pain under control pretty good these days. I don't have the energy I used to have (not that I ever really had much to begin with!). It just seems really weird though reading what people are saying about our family. It just seems like they must be talking about any other family than ours.

Now that I'm physically feeling better than I was a few weeks ago it has been harder for me to "be still". I am still making a point of it though and am learning so many, many things. I don't know where God is going with everything but it's not mine to know - it's mine to learn - day by day.

I guess for now I just wanted to say a huge thank you. Know that the time, gifts, prayers, love, energy and everything else that you have invested in our family are so much appreciated.

I know there are many people that would like to visit and I will be getting to that point soon. Thank you for your patience :)

Monday, February 28, 2011: Surreal

2011-02-28T21:17:00.000-05:00

I was talking with a friend recently and we were both commenting on how surreal this all is. I mean, Kristi is right here. Here and now. Saturday she went to a play with the kids then later to a movie with her sister and her kids. Sunday we went to church and after church just came home and vegg'ed out..."normalness". How can it be?! Just how can it be?

That's from the outside looking in. Kristi is still pretty uncomfortable. She is "managing" her pain. That means she has been doing a pretty decent job at mixing up the Vicodin and the morphine drops. That's anything but "normal". As long as she keeps herself drugged she can tolerate the pain. That doesn't mean the pain is little or subtle, just means she has managed to tolerate it. She's pretty weak now, maneuvering around via Breezy (her wheelchair). She's getting used to that as well...and finding which stores are handicap friendly and which are not. So far, Kohl's of Holland loses the "handicap friendly" competition. Aisles are too skinny!

Kristi was going to try to get an update in tonight but she didn't have it in her. The days usually take their toll on her by evening. She was pretty tired tonight, and admittedly "grumpy". We don't mind a "grumpy" mom though. She has every right to be grumpy...we love her any way she is.

Anyway, hopefully Kristi will have it in her to update soon.

And again we just want to say THANK YOU to everyone. Everyone is helping out in their own way and we appreciate it all. Thank you so much! God has blessed us with many great friends and family!

Saturday, February 19, 2011: Doing Better

2011-02-19T21:44:00.004-05:00

We've made some medication adjustments and I have been able to control my pain - yea! Emotionally though I am all over the place. I met with my "chemo club" this morning (the most awesome group of cancer survivors ever!). I wanted to freeze time when I was with them. We laughed so hard we cried. A few hours later though I was in bed crying but this time it wasn't from laughing. To be honest - there are moments where I just want to turn in my "resignation". This letting go of things is sooooooo hard. Gut wrenching hard. I say I'm not giving up but honestly there are moments when I want to.

This afternoon I caught up on my devotionals from the book Streams in the Desert and then read the bible. It is amazing how quickly that restores me soul. It gives me purpose and strength. I don't know what God has planned for me but I do know if I spend my time hiding in bed with the covers over my head I'm not going to be prepared for it. I've got quite a spiritual battle going on in my mind. If God is up to something big then I know Satan is up to no good. He'd like nothing better than for me to give up and hide under the covers.

I spend too much time reading emails, blogs and on facebook. It is so easy to do and I end up feeling worn out afterwards. After I read the bible I am filled up. Why is is so hard to make the right choice of reading material? And how I spend my time?

I would love prayers for discipline on how I use my time. Prayers of praise for less pain and also prayers for wisdom with medication decisions. Prayers for patience for Brian - I can't imagine how difficult it must be for him. We have been blessed with a huge outpouring of support in more ways than I can list but it ultimately all lands on him - all the decisions, all the choices, everything. The kids are doing very well all things considered. Ashley got hit pretty hard with a flu bug today - pray that this bug flies away fast and skips the rest of us on it's way out the door!

I'll end with a part of a devotion I read today:

We will laugh at seemingly impossible situations while we watch with delight to see how God is going to open a path through our Red Sea. It is in these places of severe testing, with no human way out of our difficulty, that our faith grows and is strengthened.

Friday, February 18, 2011: Not Great

2011-02-18T07:29:00.000-05:00

I've been waiting to update because I was hoping that Kristi would have been feeling better by now. Her morphine drops just don't seem to be working as effectively as the Vicodin was. Last night she took some Vicodin again to see if that would help with her pain. She still has a considerable amount of pain in her back and is extremely fatigued 24/7. She's been tossing and turning at night because she is so uncomfortable. Please keep your prayers coming for her back pain. She is miserable and it's so hard to watch her in so much pain. I'll update this weekend and hopefully have better news. Thanks so much!

Monday, February 14, 2011: Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T21:37:00.000-05:00

I had a blog entry all typed up but it was even too depressing for me to read...so I deleted it. I think you get the idea. Valentine's Day. Another day that goes on the list of "lasts". I'll just leave it at that. Lots of emotions pouring out over the keyboard tonight. Oh well, Valentine's Day was never a big deal for us anyway. In the (almost) 18 years of marriage I think we celebrated Valentine's Day the first 2 years. Then we woke up and recognized the day for what it was - a brilliant marketing scam by a few huge corporations. Don't even get me started on that other "holiday" - sweetest day. Give me a break.

Well, on that note, happy Valentine's Day.

Sunday, February 13, 2011: The 3rd and last and hardest to swallow bite

2011-02-13T21:18:00.006-05:00

So why Hospice? Why now? Well, Kristi asked Dr. VanderWoude "how long?". Dr. VanderWoude shared her opinion with us but I still haven't come to grips with it. Maybe I'm in denial, but I just don't buy it. She said 6 months but I can't believe that. 6 months doesn't work for us. That would fall right between Ashley and Nathan's birthdays and well, that just ain't gunna work.

Honestly, it's hard for me to come to grips with any amount of time. I can still talk with her, laugh with her, touch her, see her, smell her, make her mad, make her giggle, heck, we even went on a double date last night! So 6 months?! Nope. Say what you want, just don't say 6 months. But what about 9 months? a year? 15 months? Frankly, all of those options suck. If this were multiple choice I'd be looking for the D) None of the above.

But, taking her advice, we did get things started with Hospice. And can I just say, what a wonderful organization! When people hear of Hospice, they generally associate them with "end of life". They are so much more! We met with 2 nurses Thursday for more of a "welcome to Hospice" type visit. Then on Friday we met our nurse who will be visiting weekly. All of them were just wonderful. Very friendly, compassionate, good Christian people. They presented everything very eloquently, considering what they were sharing with us after all. 4 hours after they were here Kristi's wheelchair showed up. If you hear or read us referring to "Breezy", that's Kristi's wheelchair's name. Monogrammed on the back in yellow letters. So Breezy it is!

Speaking of morphine, Kristi is now on a low dose of morphine to try to mask her pain. We're still trying to get the dosage figured out yet so a couple of painful days for her. Kristi, the most straight-laced of all teenagers, the most angelic mother and most inspirational woman to many, is 'doing' morphine. Talk about irony.

After Dr. WanderWoude's visit last week we just came home and sat on the couch. The kids were all at school so the house was very still. It was a bit surreal. We've just been told my wife has 6 months to live, we're sitting on the couch looking through funeral home information, and Kristi says "I think I want the ala carte package." I said "uh uh, no way. There is not a funeral package called 'ala carte'." Yup, there is. We start laughing. Laughing. What the heck, if you can't laugh in a situation like this you'll go insane. "I'll take one of these, 2 of those thingies, 4 of that, and what the heck, throw in some of those for good measure." Wow, talk about a full service funeral home!

Kristi has chosen the funeral home in which she would like to...use? (not sure what to say there). Use? Doesn't sound right. We're not sharing that at this point because that seems so final. Just not willing to call it 'game over'. We still have fight. I'm not going to say she's stubborn (that would be on the list of things not to say to your wife), but she is just too damn stubborn to give up! She will fight this cancer with every ounce of her 105 pounds! (that makes up for the stubborn comment).

My intent with this post was to share the news; but share it in a way where you, the reader, don't lose hope. We're not giving up, and we'll need your prayers now more than ever. As bitter as it may taste, it's reality. Yes, we cried when we heard the news and I'm sure some of you may be crying. It's OK to cry. Well, unless you're in a restaurant full of construction workers, then you pretend you got some pepper in your eyes. But other than that one exception, it's OK to cry. We all need to cry. If you can't cry during a time like this than you must already be dead. So cry with us. Be mad with us. It's all good. But...you must also laugh with us. Promise us not to stop laughing with us.

These next few weeks and months are going to be very challenging for the entire family. As we prepare for having a hospital bed in our living room eventually, I'm scrambling now to finish our basement that flooded nearly 2 years ago. Well, not just "me", I have the help of many many wonderful friends. I'm sure we'll get this basement done in no time! Then the kids can finally have their basement back...and we can have someplace to send them to when we want snuggle time on the couch! :)

We have shared this news with the kids. Of course they took it hard but rebounded as usual. I'm sure as Kristi gets worse it will sink in more for the kids. Right now Kristi seems pretty 'normal' so it's hard for the kids to grasp what's going on. So we are enjoying these days as much as we can.

Kristi is having a very difficult time with her senses. She is becoming very sensory sensitive. Noise, light, crowded or tight spaces, and even people just being close to her makes her very anxious; anxious to the point of nausea. Her blood counts are also very low and will continue to drop so she is very susceptible to catching any airborne illnesses.

So keeping that context in mind, I'll end with this...if you see her at school, at church, in the store or wherever, please refrain from getting too close. A gentle rub on the shoulder will work just great in the place of a hug. Please, no hugs! There are no exceptions. I know, I know. Easier said than done. She is just so stinking adorable, but you have to restrain yourself. She will also be avoiding any skin to skin contact as much as possible. So if she doesn't return a hand shake please don't be offended. Please help us by not attempting any hugs or hand shakes. We need to all work together to keep her as healthy as possible. The last thing she needs is a respiratory infection.

I think that was my longest post. Sorry to be so long, but how do you share information like this and not be?! Thanks for hanging in there and reading it all (assuming you're still with me). :) We'll keep you posted as things come up. In the meantime, have a blessed week and please keep our family in your never-ceasing and always felt prayers.

Thursday, February 10, 2011: A Big, Bitter, Nasty Bite

2011-02-10T12:56:00.001-05:00

Time for another "bite" of the elephant. This one is a big one. This is the kind of bite that you know is too big but you stuff it in your mouth anyway. It's so huge that you can't even attempt to chew it without fear of it falling out of your mouth. And yet at the same time it is so bitter you want nothing more than to spit it back out.

This bite is Hospice. They are coming today for our initial appointment. I knew this day would eventually come but I didn't think it would be here so soon. It's a big, bitter, nasty bite but it's time to take this bite. Underneath the bitterness though there is sweetness. That sweetness is that God is in control and He is very clearly guiding our path right now.

We have been getting and I'm sure will continue to receive a lot of phone calls and emails. I know this stinks and it is hard and it is so difficult to grasp. I know that you all want to fix this and make it go away. I know that there are alternative therapies and other options out there. We are not quitting or giving up ~ we are letting go and letting God. I don't know what His plans are for me but I do know He's up to something good. It is a moment by moment struggle for me to just let go but God has made it crystal clear to me that it is time for me to "be still". There is a constant battle going on inside my mind right now but the two words that come through the most often are "be still".

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14

“Be still, and know that I am God". Psalm 46:10

Being still is physically and emotionally exhausting. I wish I had the energy to visit with people but right now simply being still is all I can focus on and is all that God wants me to focus on. Please don't be offended by the "no visitors" sign on our front door or if I am not able to return your phone call or email right away. So many things are crying out for my attention right now but God is telling me to focus on one thing . . .

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42

Wednesday, February 9,2011: How Do You Eat An Elephant?

2011-02-09T21:27:00.001-05:00

Have you ever heard the question - how do you eat an elephant? In case you haven't, the answer is "one bite at a time".

We received some difficult news this morning at my doctor's appointment that we are still processing.

So now you're thinking what does eating an elephant have to do with processing bad news? It's the answer "one bite at a time". That is how we are processing the bad news - one bite at a time.

This is also how we will share the news. Tonight's "bite" is that we have decided to stop chemo treatments. We feel very peaceful about this decision. We are shedding a lot of tears and struggling a great deal with the things that we need to do next but underneath all of it, we have peace.

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14

Friday, February 4, 2011: Let Go and Let God

2011-02-04T09:34:00.001-05:00

Proverbs 3:5-6 is still running through my mind. Specifically verse six and even more specifically ~ the word "acknowledge". It seems like it should be a simple word but I'm having a hard time trying to understand what God wants me to take away from this verse. Here are a few definitions of the word acknowledge: to admit the existence, reality, or truth of ~ to recognize as being valid ~ to express recognition of ~ to express thanks or gratitude for. Hmmm, it is pretty simple - God, you are real, you are the truth, you are everything and there isn't a word that exists that could express my gratitude. Why is it so easy for me to type this and blog about this but so hard to talk about in day to day conversations?

Here are a couple different translations of verse six: In all your ways acknowledge Him (NASB) ~ In all your ways submit to Him (NIV) ~Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go (The Message) ~In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him (Amplified Bible). Always let him lead you, and he will clear the road for you to follow. (Contemporary English Version). All different translations that all come back to the same thing . . . "let go and let God".

God I trust you with every ounce of my being. I don't want to live this life you have given me by leaning on my own limited understanding. I want to acknowledge you first in everything I do (but I am failing miserably - please help me). I know that is the only way I can stay on the path that you have carved out for me. Proverbs 3:5-6 . . . . translation "me"

Wednesday, February 2, 2011: Acknowledging Him

2011-02-02T13:46:00.000-05:00

This morning I woke up with Proverbs 3:5-6 running through my head - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." I was encouraged by this and thought it was a great way to start the day. And then I got out of bed . . . .

The first thing I saw was snow. Lots and lots of snow. Brian was planning on driving us to the doctors appointment so I wasn't worried. He has a Jeep that can get through anything. Next I noticed that we had a voice mail from the doctors office. Rut-roh. They were just checking to see if we were planning on coming in today and to give them a call so I did. Well, the doctor wasn't able to make it in today sooooooo, we rescheduled for next week Wednesday.

I wasn't very happy but I had my "phone voice" on (as my dear sweet husband pointed out) and was pleasant to her. Then I hung up the phone. No more Mr. Nice Guy. First thing I did was ream Brian for making fun of my "phone voice". Yes, I know I have one . . . deal with it and DON'T MOCK ME or you will suffer the consequences (silent treatment, evil eye, random unexplained psychotic episodes aimed at him or all of the above).

Unfortunately Ashley had the bad timing of walking in the room after I was done yelling at Brian (for the moment). And for those of you that are shaking your head saying "there is no way she yells" . . . sorry to burst that little bubble but not only do I yell but I push buttons, have a sarcastic streak like you wouldn't believe and well, let's just say I can be very unpleasant at times . Why is it that when we are mad and frustrated we take it out on the innocent family members who have the unfortunate timing of standing in front of us when we are ready to blow?

Where was I? Oh yes, Ashley walked in the room and since I was mad, frustrated and not feeling well I decided that I should throw some grumpiness at her too. I got a "look" from Brian and I believe he even did a "zip it" motion to suggest that I stop talking. So, that's what I did - I stopped talking, turned on my heel, stomped upstairs to my bedroom. How dare he? How dare she? How dare they? I am having so much pain and bloating and yucky symptoms. I have a list longer than my arm of questions I wanted to ask the doctor - how can she not be in today? Now what?? What do I do?

I sat and watched the snow fall. I thought about all the questions I had lined up to ask the doctor and wondered why I wouldn't get that chance today. Then I heard it again - "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding". I wasn't very trusting this morning. I was leaning completely on my own understanding - the understanding that I still have pain, I am still scared, I am still frustrated and am still so lost. Why am I leaning on that nonsense??

The second part of the verse is "in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight". My paths are so crooked right now. They are winding with dead ends and wrong turns - I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I have no where else to go and nothing else to do so right now I am "letting go". I'm not "giving up". There is a difference. I am acknowledging God and will try to do that in all my ways. This is how my path will become straight. That is all I want right now. A straight path right to Him.

Sunday, January 30, 2011: Weekends

2011-01-30T22:42:00.001-05:00

I used to look forward to weekends. After a long week of work I could count on coming home and spending the next 2 days doing nothing but whatever my family wanted - usually just lots of hanging out doing nothing. These days I come home after a long stressful work week and look forward to spending the next 2 days watching my wife suffer - 24/7. Friday night was filled with dry heaving and puking. Hopefully just a bug, but unpleasant nonetheless. Even knowing in advance that the next 2 days won't be easy, I still look forward to weekends because I still get to spend precious time with her. Frankly, I don't care if I'm catching her puke, helping her down the stairs, getting her ice chips, whatever. I'm thankful to have any time at all with her.

Saturday was marginally better with Kristi resting most of the day. She was able to visit with a great friend and watch the kids while I went to work for a few hours.

Sunday was filled with pain and discomfort in her head, neck and stomach. Just watching her suffer is exhausting enough. She is an amazing woman to endure this for 4 years. Personally, I would have quit a long time ago.

We spent quite a bit of time just talking this weekend. Lots of decisions lie ahead. Tomorrow, we meet with the kids' psychologist. Wednesday we meet with Kristi's oncologist. Kristi is pretty sure she is done with chemo; and I support her. As a spouse that's a hard thing to do. On one hand I want her to keep "doing something". The idea of "doing nothing" means letting the cancer run its course. Sure, still time for a miracle, but hard not to think about the other outcome...and that makes me downright mad, sad, frustrated and alone. But, the quality of life she has endured over the past month with this new chemo is no way to spend your last days on this earth...so I can't just sit by and watch her suffer with more chemo either. Kinda makes all the other decisions in life meaningless. Late on a bill, oh well. Not enough to pay property taxes, darn. Missed my dentist appointment, oopsie. Life and death decisions have a way of putting life into perspective.

We honestly don't know what is next. Kristi would like another PET scan just to see what the tumors are up to. Then I guess we figure out what to do from there. In the meantime, we're talking about starting to interview some funeral homes and looking into buying burial plots. 2 plots. Why 2 plots? Because it's a smart thing to do. Who's to say I won't get trampled to death by a herd of wild bore on my way to work tomorrow? It's better to be prepared than to leave those details up to your loved ones left behind. That's why 2 plots. Emotionally, it's a better way to do it this way as well.

Well, another heavy Sunday night. Please continue to keep the family in your prayers this week.

Thank you!

Thursday, January 27, 2011: This & That

2011-01-27T19:12:00.000-05:00

We have been very bad at keeping the blog updated - sorry :(

I didn't have chemo on Wednesday - I decided to take a week off because I am having "plumbing issues". Enough said.

Ashley has started her own blog called "The Rogalske Family Life". That girl never ceases to amaze me. The link is on the right side of our blog or you can click here - www.arogalske.blogspot.com.

Life is hard. God is good.

Oh, and happy flippin anniversary, cancer

2011-01-23T22:50:00.001-05:00

Yup, it was 4 long painful years ago that Kristi was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Yippee. Don't really feel like celebrating. I actually forgot about it until later this afternoon. Then it was like a weight came over me. Kristi said to pass this message along..."I hate cancer". I agree. Not giving it any more time that this little reminder. I could use some vulgarities right now but I'll keep them for myself.

Sunday, January 23, 2011: Cold!

2011-01-23T22:10:00.004-05:00

Well, the first few days last week after chemo actually went very well as compared to Kristi's first dose of this new chemo. So for that we are very grateful. Today, unfortunately, things didn't go very well. Kristi woke up not feeling "right" and a little nauseous. She had a very bad headache all day and her neck still hurts. So I took the kids to the beech to give Kristi some quiet time. We were actually there longer than I expected...very cool! Some pictures below. As the day went on Kristi's nausea got worse and worse until she was dry heaving.

I guess we're supposed to be thankful for these times too. Hmmm. I'll understand some day...right now, not so much. But anyway, the kids are waiting to be tucked in. Chemo is Wednesday again so prayers for another "good" round!

Ashley & Nathan Wrestling

Hmm, the girls on the edge, the boy too scared. Don't worry, there was just snow below them!

Um, brrrr

wonder what they're talking about

just looked...3 degrees out right now. Hey Aunt Diane, how's the weather in Mexico?!

Can't leave without a picture of Big Red

A reminder from a 7th grader

2011-01-20T09:16:00.002-05:00

7. Write a letter to a friend telling them the story of Jesus and who he is to you personally.

The story of Jesus is amazing. Jesus is the Messiah, Lord of Lords, King of Kings, and lots more. A long time ago, Jesus did a thing that changed our lives forever. He gave up his life, for us. He died on the cross to save our sins. He paid the price, for us. Jesus, is a miracle. I have had many miracles in my life, and I'm praying for one right now. My mom has had Ovarian Cancer for quite a while now, and it keeps getting worse. I believe that God has great plans for my mom, maybe he wants her to be with him soon, or maybe he is going to heal her, and have her stay on earth for a little while longer. Sometimes it's hard to Trust Jesus, but we have to trust him, no matter what the circumstance is. Whether it can mean losing a loved one, or maybe struggling with something yourself. Trust in Jesus, because Jesus, is the key to happiness.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011: So Long Normal

2011-01-19T15:59:00.002-05:00

I really enjoyed feeling "normal" for most of the past week. Today I was injected with poison . . . I mean chemo. Everything went fine - no problems. I'm starting to feel a bit queasy and tired. I'm sure some of it is psychological - just thinking about the chemo moving around inside my body makes me feel yucky.

While I was gone this morning our house was cleaned and supper was delivered. We have such an amazing support system. The kids are all home and playing Mario Cart Wii. Since the house is clean and supper is made I am going to veg out on the couch and watch them.

Life is hard, but God is good.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011: Another Dose

2011-01-19T08:21:00.001-05:00

Kristi never got a chance to update the blog after the other day…she’s been too busy enjoying feeling almost human again! She really has enjoyed this time off from chemo. Unfortunately, she goes in for dose number 2 this morning at 9. Her nurse gave her a different anti-nausea med this time so we’re hopeful that she will be able to tolerate this dose better than the last one.

Please pray with us that she can tolerate this dose of chemo much better than the last one and that we see signs that the chemo is doing its job. Please also pray for the kids, specifically Ashley and Nathan as they are becoming much more aware of what’s going on. Thank you!

Saturday, January 15, 2011: A Very Quick Update

2011-01-15T13:48:00.003-05:00

I am working on a blog update but right now I need to defend my title on Mario Cart Wii . In a nutshell - life is good!! Mammogram results were "normal"!! More details later.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011: 1 Week Delay

2011-01-12T21:56:00.002-05:00

Just a short update tonight...Kristi woke up very nauseous this morning and feeling miserable so she cancelled her chemo appointment. She will go in next week Wednesday. Hopefully she can update tomorrow.

Monday, January 10, 2011: At A Loss for Words

2011-01-10T14:27:00.002-05:00

I've lost track of how many times I have tried to update the blog over the past few weeks. I've signed in to blogger, clicked on "new post", typed in the date and then I sit and stare at the blank screen. I have plenty of things I could update about but I just can't seem to focus. I used to love updating the blog. The words would just come to me and it would help me process everything going on in my mind.

I was hoping that today would be the day. That I would start typing and all the words would just come out, but they're not. They seem to be trapped and lost in my brain. So for now I will just share a few details.

I am feeling much better today - the chemo "fog" seems to have finally lifted. My next treatment is this Wednesday but I am really struggling with the thought of it. This morning I went for a mammogram and I won't even let myself think about getting bad results. I don't think I have fully let "reality" register yet in my brain. I don't even know how.

I've been staring at the screen for the past 30 minutes. I keep waiting for something creative to come out of my fingers but it's just not happening. So I will simply end the post asking for prayers for good test results from this morning, for wisdom with treatment decisions and that I will be able to hear from God again soon. I haven't heard from Him in a long time. I know He's there and that He's listening and that He has never left me and never will. But right now, He feels so far away.

Saturday, January 8, 2011: Days 4 & 5

2011-01-08T20:47:00.002-05:00

Days 4 and 5 post chemo were better than day 3 but still no walk in the park. Kristi remains very chemo fatigued but at least the nausea is gone. She has spent most of the past 2 days between the couch and bed.

I've been getting a real good idea of what a single parent goes through every day. I have to admit, I don't like it. Let's take some time tonight to think about all the single parents out there and say a special prayer for them.

The kids have been great...very patient. Although I usually have all 3 of them asking for me at once, they understand I'm outnumbered. I went skiing with Ashley last night so Nathan and Emily took care of Kristi by having a slumber party in our bedroom..."movie night".

Hopefully Kristi can do the update tomorrow night. I keep telling her "your fans want to hear from you". :)

Anyway, thank you for all the prayers and never ending support!

Thursday, January 6, 2011: Day 3

2011-01-06T22:18:00.003-05:00

Well, day 3 was slightly better than day 2, but still not a good one. Please continue to pray for comfort. I'm out of words for tonight.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011: Not What The Doctor Ordered

2011-01-05T22:21:00.002-05:00

When Kristi's doctor said that most people tolerate this chemo fairly well, she forgot Kristi isn't like "most people". Kristi is very unique. Always has been. That's what I love about her. Except when it comes to cancer. I wish she were "normal" when it came to cancer. But she's anything but.

Chemo Day 2: spent in bed or sleeping on the couch, very nauseous and even threw in some dry heaving to top it off. We can't have this. This chemo has to work. It just has to.

Pray with me tonight that these side effects will be very short lived. He can't have her yet; I still need her. With each passing day I'm getting more and more scared. Please pray bold with me tonight. It's not too late for God to work a miracle.

Thank you.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011: Chemo Update

2011-01-04T21:36:00.003-05:00

Another short update tonight...Kristi had her first chemo treatment today and all went well. She has been sleeping since she got home but I talked to her a little while ago and she said she just felt a little nauseous but that was it - as it related to the chemo. She still has very bad back pains that force her to take Vicodin on a pretty regular occasion.

Let's pray that tomorrow she will have her energy back and there are no side effects to the chemo.

Thanks

Monday, January 3, 2011: Delinquent

2011-01-03T21:48:00.004-05:00

I can't believe the holidays are done and we're off to a new year!

Well, Kristi and I have been delinquent in getting out an update. We have been very busy with the holidays and just have had a lot of things on our minds lately. Anyway, we met with her new oncologist last week and I have to say...what a refreshing change. Dr. VanderWoulde is soooo much more personable and shares so much more information.

At our last visit right before Christmas, she shared the results of Kristi's last CT scan. There was a lot of information in the new scan, but we can summarize it up with this line from the report: "Worsening appearance of metastatic disease".

We decided to try a new chemo. This is one that she hasn't had before but the doctor said most people tolerate it well...so we're encouraged by that. Tomorrow is Kristi's first treatment. The schedule will be 3 weeks on (on Tuesdays) and 1 week off, 3 weeks on 1 week off, 3 weeks on 1 week off, etc.

I need to be short tonight. Hopefully Kristi will be up to updating it tomorrow night.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010: 2011 Calendar

2010-12-29T23:39:00.006-05:00

Well, better late than never! We sold quite a few calendars last year and I've had a few people ask if I was going to make one for next year...just been busier than normal lately. Anyway, the 2011 calendar is made up of more pictures from my different adventures. No frills this year - just the picture with some of Kristi's favorite verses she's used in our blog. Take a look...

Christmas 2010

2010-12-24T23:30:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas!!!

Brian & Kristi
Ashley, Nathan & Emily

Tuesday, December 21, 2010: One More Round

2010-12-21T16:16:00.005-05:00

In my update on Sunday I typed the lyrics to the song One More Round. I love that song. I can physically be feeling horrible and yet when I listen to that song I feel tough and ready to get back in the ring. As soon as the song is done though I find myself cowering in the corner. I don't want to go "one more round". I don't want to be in the ring. I don't want to be in the building that the ring is in. I don't even want to be in the city of the building that the ring is in.

But, my ways are not His ways and my plans are not His plans. After talking to Dr. VanderWoude this morning we have decided to go "one more round". I will be starting chemo treatments again. Yuck. I am scheduled for a ct scan tomorrow morning and then we'll meet with Dr. VanderWoude next week to discuss the results of that scan and talk a little more about the chemo. I'm not going to start the treatments until next year. I sure wish that was as far away as it sounds but it's actually only two weeks away.

I'm still kinda numb. I knew this day was coming but now that it's here it stinks. On a positive note though now that we've switched doctors I can go to the chemo clinic in Holland.

I'm not sure how I will respond to this treatment (fatigue, nausea, pain, etc.) but I'm anticipating and want to be prepared for the worst. So many people have offered to help and I would like to put together a list so that when the needs arise we will have an organized list of who to call. If you would like to be on this list, please send us an email with how you would like to help (transporting kids, cleaning, running errands, baking, prepare freezer meals - whatever you enjoy doing most). Also, if there is a day of the week that works best for you let us know that as well. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8

Sunday, December 19, 2010: When The Going Gets Tough - The Tough Get Sick?

2010-12-19T11:14:00.010-05:00

Wow, I just looked back and realized that I haven't done an update since November. Usually I like to update the blog - to help process what is going through my mind. The past few weeks the thought of sitting at a computer and typing has been too much for me.

I've had friends say they cringe when they see the update is in black because they know Brian typed it and he is the more realistic one - he says it like it is. Also, if he is updating it usually means I am not physically up to it. I wish I could say that since this update is by me it will be a happy, upbeat one but I'd be lying.

To be perfectly honest, right now I am scared. The physical pain is really taking a toll on me. The waiting is driving me bonkers. On top of this I came down with a flu bug on Wednesday night. Thursday I felt like a bomb had gone off inside my head. My only goal was to remain still as possible because I was afraid my head may actually explode.

Thankfully I felt much better on my birthday. It was the best birthday ever! If I typed everything that I did that day this post would go on forever so here's a quick glimpse: Emily slept in (yea!), a friend dropped off a tin of frosted Christmas cookies (yum!), went to see the movie Tangled (cute!) with my mom and Emily, went to lunch with my parents (more yum!), came home to discover that a friend had decorated our front porch with beautiful (BEAUTIFUL!) Christmas decorations and that Brian had come home early from work (woohoo!).

As if the day wasn't going good enough, someone from the Moms In Touch prayer group that has been praying for us stopped by with a huge bag of goodies for our family movie night. A red serving tray, huge popcorn bowl and smaller serving bowls, microwave popcorn, candy canes, pop, hot cocoa, boxes of movie theater style candy, chips and a couple dvd's are just some of the items that were in this bag.

There are days when I hate being "that family" and there are days when I am overwhelmed by the love that is shown to us because we are "that family". Friday I was overwhelmed by the kindness of our community of friends and family.

The best part of the day by far was cuddling up on the couches with lots of blankets, Brian, the kids and the dogs to watch a movie. Rosie was hiding in the other room - yes, she is still with us and available if anyone still needs a last minute Christmas gift! :)

Being crashed on the couch with the family and slipping away from reality was the best gift ever. I went between watching the movie and watching my family. I wish I could have made time stand still right then. As happy and content as I was though the thought "what if" kept pushing its way from the back of my mind. What if that was my last birthday? What if this is my last Christmas? Honestly though - that question goes for any of us. No one knows when their last day will be. It's just when you have cancer that question is constantly running through your mind. Every time you have a new pain you wonder. Every time the phone rings you wonder. Every single minute of every single day - I wonder.

Saturday I still felt pretty good but today I woke up with a horrible headache. I think it is just the end of whatever virus I had last week. My sinus' are clogged, my chest is full of guck, my nose is stuffed up and dripping, my eyes are watering . . . right now I would be the perfect picture for a Nyquil commercial. Well, the "before" picture anyway.

Tuesday morning we meet with Dr. VanderWoude to discuss two chemo treatment options. I can honestly say that I really, really, really do not want to start chemo again. I will though if after talking to the doctor we think that it is the right option for me. Right now I wish I could just wiggle my nose and make it all go away.

I'll end this post with a song that I have listened to so much lately that Emily has even started singing along! It's called One More Round by BarlowGirl (thanks Kathy!!). Here's the link and some of the lyrics:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gjt80iTmg5g

Round one wasn't what I thought it'd be
Round two I'm struggling to breathe
3, 4, 5, 6, 7 times I wondered why I stepped inside this ring

I may be knocked down and bruised
But I'm here to tell you
That I may be knocked down but not for the count

So take me one more round
I'll just keep fighting
One more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here

One more round I'll come out swinging
One more round
I'm telling you now I'm not gonna lose it

It's so hard to get up off the floor again
But I know that victory is when
I'm pushing through the pain that tries to feed me lies that I won't reach the end

I may be bloodied and so bruised
But I'm here to tell you
That I may be knocked down but not for the count

I am not defeated
Though you cannot see it
I have never won a battle on my own
I find strength in weakness
I find hope in believing
God is for me who can bring me down?

Friday, December 17, 2010: Happy Birthday!

2010-12-17T07:43:00.005-05:00

happy birthday to you,
(slightly off pitch)

happy birthday to you,
(a little more off pitch and slight squeal)

happy birthday to Kristi,
(going soprano with ear piercing squeal -
animals are scared)

happy birthday to you
(coming back down to human
sound levels but still way off key)

I love you!!

ah yes, don't you miss the '90's?!

(and no, that ain't no stinkin mullet!)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010: Getting Tougher

2010-12-15T22:09:00.007-05:00

Monday night Ashley was making plans for a sleep-over after ski club on Friday night. That means we would see her for 20 minutes in the morning, then not again until Saturday afternoon. Normally this would not be a big deal.

Friday is Kristi's birthday. Kristi was obviously hurt by this. But, I reminded Kristi that Ashley's a 13 year old girl and is in an 'it's all about me' phase. That mixed with hormones and whatever else...yikes. After dinner, I quietly motioned for Ashley to come upstairs with me. I was sitting and motioned for her to come sit next to me...she of course just rolled her eyes and stomped over...this after stomping up all the stairs to get to the bedroom. I'm sure Ashley was thinking "another lecture from dad".

Our conversation opens like this..."Ashley, I have to tell you something that is going to hurt. It's going to hurt a lot. And I'm going to be brutally honest." At this point I think she realized this was more than a "dumb lecture".

I continued on with "honey, you need to realize this may be mom's last birthday with us, and last Christmas with us." "What?! I thought you said 5 years!" "Well, the doctors told us '5 years after diagnosis' . Next month will be 4 years." Then the crying and sobbing. Needless to say, we'll be spending Friday night as a family watching a movie on the couch...just as Kristi envisioned.

Game time decisions. That's what we're faced with every day. 30 years from now would Ashley remember "the one ski club" she missed? But would she regret not spending enough time with her mom? Sometimes reality sucks, but sometimes we need a reality check.

I think we'll be seeing a difference in Ashley. I hope and pray that Ashley can maximize her time with Kristi moving forward. Truth is, we don't know how long it will be. But both Kristi and I realize that something not good is happening inside her. She's pretty much in constant discomfort these days. Today she added nausea.

We meet with her new doctor next Tuesday to discuss treatment options. We also got the name of the pain management place that we'll be calling.

We had my work Christmas party tonight including spouses. You know, the one that all the spouses dread going to because "I don't know anyone". Yup, that one. Kristi couldn't go of course. Before I got home from work she had just taken a Vicodin and she was feeling nauseous so I went solo. I have to admit, although there was plenty of laughing at the expense of a few (and not me for once), my thoughts were at home. I didn't stick around much after dinner because I envisioned Kristi at home being miserable. I also have to admit it was tough seeing all the couples and realizing...

All in a day.

Sunday, December 12, 2010: ?

2010-12-12T19:48:00.004-05:00

Wasn't sure what to title tonight's entry so I felt ? was good enough. Kinda at a loss for words these days. Kristi's pretty much in constant pain, taking her Vicodin way more than she wants. But the pain in her back is extremely uncomfortable. So we go into "pain management". So I type fragments for sentences. Why? I don't know. It's the creative style coming out in me I guess.

Random thoughts.

Well, here's a not so random thought...Kristi had blood work done last week for genetic testing and a CA125 check. We decided to have genetic testing done to see if Kristi is a carrier of a specific gene for ovarian cancer or if her cancer was just a random occurrence. We won't have those results for about 3 weeks.

We did get her CA125 results last week, however. No surprise: it went up. She was at 551 and she now is at 701. We expect to hear from her new doctor this week and what the new treatment plan is. In the meantime she just has to bear the back pain. Actually, we are going to look into a pain management specialist to see if there is anything else we can try - and yes, we did ask about medical marijuana...jokingly of course. Because it was for me. Actually, I asked. Jokingly, of course. It was voted "in" in the state of Michigan but it's still a federal crime. Don't worry, mom, I wouldn't inhale. We're just not from that generation. Nope, our generation skipped over the pot and went directly to crack. Way quicker. I heard.

But anyway, sometimes my thoughts wander. I hear there's a pill for that. Well, prayers for Kristi's back pain and bloating, her emotional and physical health, our family's emotional health and strength for all of us. I described Kristi and I to a friend recently as we are both physically and mentally exhausted these days. So if we walk right by you in church or where ever don't take it personally. Most days we're like walking zombies. The 4 year battle is taking its toll. Needless to say, we're looking forward to a nice and quiet Christmas break to recharge.

Thanks for your never-ending prayers!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010: Pain

2010-12-07T07:46:00.005-05:00

yesterday another bad day for kristi. I think that's 3 or 4 in a row. she had been exchanging 2 good, 2 bad, 2 good, 2 bad. she's been stuck on the bad. I hate seeing her in pain. we can send people into outer space but we can't cure a disease. we can create cars that drive themselves but we can't cure cancer. technology seems to win when it comes to research dollars. that doesn't seem right, fair, humane, ...

the nights are getting longer and the days shorter. literally and figuratively.

Saturday, November 27, 2010: Never Give Up

2010-11-27T09:34:00.008-05:00

I have been struggling a lot lately with "why". Why is there so much evil in this world? Why does it seem like everywhere I turn there is pain and suffering? Why should I bother trying to do good when I know that something bad is just around the corner waiting to remind me that I can't win? I have had a lot of conversations with God about this. Well, one-sided conversations at least.

Last night after exhausting myself with all the "why" questions I was finally quiet for a minute. It was then that I heard "never give up on doing what is right". Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

As I was searching for verses about not giving up I found some that really hit home . . . here are a few of them (taken from The Message's translation of 1 Timothy 4:1-16)

The Spirit makes it clear that as time goes on, some are going to give up on the faith and chase after demonic illusions put forth by professional liars. These liars have lied so well and for so long that they've lost their capacity for truth.

You've been raised on the Message of the faith and have followed sound teaching. Exercise daily in God—no spiritual flabbiness, please! Workouts in the gymnasium are useful, but a disciplined life in God is far more so, making you fit both today and forever.

Teach believers with your life: by word, by demeanor, by love, by faith, by integrity. Stay at your post reading Scripture, giving counsel, teaching. Cultivate these things. Immerse yourself in them. The people will all see you mature right before their eyes! Keep a firm grasp on both your character and your teaching. Don't be diverted. Just keep at it.

I have never given up on my faith in God - that He is real, that He loves me, that He is in control. I was giving up on something though. Maybe I figured the final battle has already been won so why bother with the wars along the way? I was listening to the lies that were going through my head like "don't bother - you can help one person but you can't help them all - you won't even make a difference" and "just stay down - it won't hurt as much next time you fall because you're already halfway there".

There is some truth inside those lies though. It's true that I can't help everyone . . . . but I can make a difference. It is also true that it won't hurt as much to fall back into the pit if I just stay there but if I am being honest - most of God's teaching moments happen while I am falling.

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Psalm 40:1-3

Wednesday, November 24, 2010: Message to Satan: BACK OFF!!!!!!!!!

2010-11-24T11:16:00.004-05:00

I have been in a dark place. I have been trying desperately to find good in this life but evil kept triumphing. I would find a glimmer of hope only to have it encompassed by darkness. I was so tired of getting up only to fall back down again. So I decided it was easier to just stay down. Why get up when you know that you will inevitably fall back down again? If I stayed down I was preventing the sting of the next fall. Right? Um, nope.

The sting of that next fall was always there with me. What I was preventing were the feelings of joy, peace and of hope. I was letting the enemy win. I'm still scared to get back up and in the ring. I can feel it even as I type this post. The devil is lurking around me like a lion waiting to pounce. His eyes are open - never blinking. He is stalking around - just waiting for that chance to pounce on me - to pin me down and say - "gotcha again". He's waiting for me to give up. Not this time.

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:1-2

Monday, November 22, 2010: Light Up The Sky

2010-11-22T19:02:00.004-05:00

Today was hard. Coming back to reality after spending time in denial is always hard. And the longer I spend in denial the harder reality hits. It wasn't a slap in the face kind of hit though. It was more like stepping in quicksand. I felt trapped. Suffocated. Unable to muddle through the muck.

The silver lining around this dark cloud is the way friends and family take care of us. People bring us meals, clean our house, watch the kids and so much more. It is bittersweet though. It is awesome the way people jump into action and help us but on the flip side I don't like the reason that we need help. I don't like thinking about the cancer. I don't like the constant back pain and the fact that I tire out so easily. I don't like thinking about the "what-ifs". The top of my "don't like" list though is seeing the fear in my families eyes. Imagining the thoughts that are going through their minds.

This life can be so hard. It seems like everywhere I look there is pain. Life-threatening illnesses whether ongoing or recently diagnosed. Grieving of loved ones that have passed away. Heartache from missing that special someone that is serving our country and protecting our freedom. Fear of the unknown - of what our future holds. Right now this world just feels dark to me. I am trying to hold on to the positives and to count my blessings (although so often I find myself counting the trials). I am praying that like the words of the song - God will "light up the sky".

Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can’t deny
Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me
You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me

(Reading the lyrics to this song don't really do it justice - check out the video and listen to the words . . . if the link doesn't work, the song is called Light Up The Sky by The Afters.)

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=7GKGW7NX

Sunday, November 21, 2010: My Happy Place

2010-11-21T19:23:00.003-05:00

Looming ahead of me is another week. There will most likely be phone calls from doctors and decisions will need to be made - new steps will need to be taken - new territory will need to be entered. The cancer is bad. I know that. But I can't dwell on it or I will go crazy.

Right now I have two children that are driving me crazy with non-cancer related issues! They are actually issues so small that they shouldn't even be considered issues!!! I also have a teenager. Thankfully my teenager has a good head on her shoulders, a deep faith, good role models and awesome parents (well, her dad is pretty awesome anyway!). Despite all she has going for her though the teenage road is hard. Very hard. There are so many things I wish I could just tell her to do so she can avoid the heartbreak that I went through and avoid the mistakes that I made. Even if I could get her to make the choices I want for her I can't make the kids around her do the same. My parents watched me trudge through adolescence and now it is my turn to watch my children do the same. Add the heartaches of parenting to the fear of cancer unknowns and it just becomes too much to bear.

Brian came home today after being gone hunting for a few days. It sounds like he had a really good time away with his friend but I could already see it on his face when he came home. He had the post-vacation blues or better put - the back to reality blues. When I asked him if that was what was wrong he said yes. I informed him that today was Sunday and we are still in denial mode here so he needed to leave his "reality" parked at the front door and that was all the further it was allowed. It can wait there until Monday morning. I got a little smile out of him at least :)

Right outside our house lies cancer fears, parenting concerns, only 34 more days left until Christmas shopping stress, and much, much more. Inside our home right now we are in our happy place. There is no cancer here. My back pain? No, that's not the tumors - that is from this new weight lifting class I started last week. Yup, bench pressed 300 pounds the other day!!

Tonight I am going to wrap my family up in bubble wrap. We are going to enjoy each other, we will not fight (okay, so this will be a stretch), we will watch mindless silly movies or play board games. We will have tickle fights and laugh so hard that we can't breathe. We will pretend that cancer does not exist. We will go our our happy place. Denial. I know we can't stay here forever but for right now that's where I want to be.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010: Grumpy

2010-11-17T21:48:00.002-05:00

Right now I am grumpy. Mad. Angry. Just plain ticked off. Why you may ask? I don't know. It was a great day. I visited with a few friends (actually got to sit and visit without any children saying "mom, mom, mom, mom, mom" - like I didn't hear them the first time they said my name). I love my children but seriously- I heard you the first time! I enjoyed a yummy lunch (that I didn't even have to make). I got my hair cut (my hair is finally growing in thicker!). And we had a very yummy supper brought to us tonight.

Yesterday afternoon Brian and I met with my new oncologist. I am now an official patient of Dr. Amy Vanderwoude from the Cancer and Hematology Center in Holland. She will be talking to Dr. Downey and getting the rest of my chart from him (she only had the notes through 2008 and I had to laugh when she asked if I had been receiving any chemo treatment since then - um yup, just a little). After she talks to Dr. Downey and reviews the rest of my chart we will be meeting with her again to talk about where to go from here. I really liked her and feel good about this transition.

Despite all this I'm grumpy. My back hurts off and on. Mostly on. Once in a while my fingertips go completely numb and it freaks me out. I hate the way the pain messes with my mind. I hate how quickly my mood can change. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, did I mention hate? I hate cancer. I'm trying to get out of this grumpy mood but not having much luck.
One of my brother's poems keeps running through my head . . . . it's called Up and Down Frowns.

the thoughts in my mind go up and down
not sure what to do i'm stuck with a frown.
i say to myself it's a real bad day
but only if i choose to make it that way.

Many of you probably already know this poem is from his book The Tomato Collection. For those of you that didn't know that - now you do. For those of you that have no idea what I am talking about check out his website . . . . it's www.tomatocollection.com.

So to sum up - it was a good day, I'm in a grumpy mood, my brother is pretty cool :)

Sunday, November 14, 2010: Tired

2010-11-14T22:44:00.004-05:00

Well, today was better than yesterday but it wasn't great. Leaving church this morning Kristi was in so much pain she had to hold on to me all the way to the van. Fortunately, by mid to late afternoon most of the pain was gone. We had a good night tonight visiting with our life group.

Specific prayer request would be for our emotional well being. We are both really tired. Physically and mentally. When I listened to the sermon this morning about Paul and the years of suffering and sacrifice he made, and think about Moses leading the Israelites through the desert for 40 years I just think, wow, that's a really long time. But 4 years of battling cancer is also a long time. Some days I do get angry. Jealous at everyone else who is living a "normal" life. Why can't we have normal? Enough is enough.

"(13)Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, (14) I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 3:13-14

Well, it's late, and like I said, I'm tired. I need sleep so I can keep pressing on. Maybe when I wake up tomorrow morning this will all just be a really bad dream. I can hope...

Saturday, November 13, 2010: Reaching Around the Globe

2010-11-13T23:24:00.001-05:00

Kristi and I always knew that people from all over the world were reading our blog, but we had no idea we were reaching this far! The new counter I have installed records the countries, states and cities people visit from. When I looked at it tonight and showed it to Kristi we were blown away. Humbled. Honored. Privileged. Those are just a few of the adjectives we could use. Here is a snapshot of the past 5 days:

In the past 5 days, we've had 1,677 hits by visitors from 4 continents, 31 countries, 85 states or regions, 278 cities and our blog has been translated into 18 different languages. During this 5 days we had only a 37.8% bounce rate; that means people are hitting the blog and staying. I was showing Kristi this and we kind of freaked out. Yikes, talk about some pressure. :)

Anyway, Kristi's pain was much better today but most of the day she was kind of out of it. She took half a Vicadin this morning and slipped into "silly land". Picture this: Kristi sitting on her hands and knees on the couch. Butt facing the room and her head stuck in the cushions. Singing "Jimmy Crack Corn and I Don't Care". I was telling my sister-in-law, Lori, if she didn't have cancer it would have been quite funny. Well, it was funny, I have to admit. Ashley and I enjoyed the show. After she came down from the Vicadin high she was left with drowsiness and fatigue. No more Vicadin unless the pain is unbearable. We'll see how tomorrow goes but today was an improvement over yesterday at least.

Thanks for your continued prayers...from all over the world!

In my defense - I was curled up in like that because I was in pain and was trying to find a position that would help lessen the pain. As far as the singing . . . never happened . . . . don't know what you are talking about . . . . (note to self - hide the video camera next time I take Vicodin!!)

Friday, November 12, 2010: Pain in the Back

2010-11-12T22:26:00.000-05:00

We need prayers tonight for Kristi. The pain in her lower back is increasing in intensity. This morning was nearly unbearable. After she saw her kinesiologist she felt much better, but still had a lot of pain. I called Dr. Downey's nurse, Amber, and she gave me some directions. Basically, Kristi has not been wanting to take any pain meds because of the effects they have on her...so she just grins and bears it. Amber said that's not a good idea...better to stay ahead of the pain, not play catch up. So we may have a few bad days as we try to catch up to manage her discomfort. So, one dose of Vicadin and Adivan and off to bed she went...about 4:00 this afternoon. This is going to be a rough few days. Please pray for patience and sanity for all of us.

Thanks!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010: Big Eyes

2010-11-09T22:29:00.002-05:00

Kristi and I have had a chance to digest the information we received last Thursday from the radiologist. Like Kristi said, the news wasn't what we were expecting (or wanted) but now that we have the info it feels good to be informed. What is really cool is that we actually have a copy of the CT scan Kristi had done in October - if there's nothing good on TV I can sit at my computer and look at Kristi's insides. Very cool stuff.

As far as the appointment last week, we sat with this doctor (in his own office) for an hour going over the CT scan in detail. Up to this point we have never seen any of this. This doctor made sure that we understood everything we were looking at. Like I said, we didn't like what we saw or what he was saying but for some strange reason we just left there feeling good because now we actually had some data to make a good decision.

Here's what we were looking at. This first picture is of a lump the doctor found in her neck during his exam. This is probably still the cancerous lymph node she had before but he can't know for sure without doing surgery. But, since it hasn't grown he said if it was the cancerous lymph node that it is dormant - but something to watch.

The next picture is a cross section through her abdomen. I have added some descriptions of some of the organs. What we understood from Dr. Downey was that Kristi had two small tumors on each side of her kidneys. What she actually has is much more. In addition to the tumors, the entire area I have circled in blue are cancerous lymph nodes. These lymph nodes are dividing and reproducing at a faster rate than normal cells. Basically, they'll take over if not stopped. None of that gray matter should be in that blue circle - it should be solid black. Black indicates "nothing" or "air space". There should be nothing here. Instead it's full of cancerous lymph nodes...so many that they have pushed her thoracic aorta away from her spine. The thoracic aorta should be tight against her spine in this area. This is probably why she has the back pain. That infected region (the blue circle) runs probably 6-8 inches up and down in her abdominal area. As far as radiation...not an option. Radiation works on straight paths. They can't get to the infected area from the back because of the spine. Coming in from the front they would have to blast all the organs in front to get to the infected area. Sometimes this can work, but in Kristi's case it is too risky and the side effects wouldn't be tolerable. And, he said even after 5 weeks of treatment he couldn't guarantee he got it all. One other disadvantage of radiation is that it treats locally. So if Kristi does have other areas of her body infected, like her neck, radiation on her belly would do nothing for that.

So, with having all of that information the decision was "easier". Is starting chemo ever an "easy" decision? Of course not. But, we were convinced radiation was not the way to go. And this doctor agreed.

As for Dr. Downey...we are looking at moving Kristi's treatment to the Holland Oncologist Clinic. We have heard great things about their two doctors from other friends with cancer. We are trying to get in there to talk to the doctors to "interview" them. We are waiting for a call back.

This picture here has no relevance whatsoever. I just thought it was really cool. I was having fun playing with the CT scan program and running up and down her body. The eyeballs freaked me out.

So, that's about it. Just another day Living! with cancer. Please pray that the Holland clinic is accepting new patients and we can get an appointment to talk to the doctors. Please pray for patience and guidance over these next few days.

Thanks!

Sunday, November 7, 2010: Getting Back Up

2010-11-07T23:05:00.001-05:00

A much better Sunday...

Rogalske Goofy Family Video from Brian & Kristi Rogalske on Vimeo.

Thursday, November 4, 2010: More Decisions

2010-11-04T21:25:00.002-04:00

It's late, it's been a long day and I'm tired so this will be short & sweet. Our appointment today went really good. Dr. Edlund spent a long time with us, gave us a much better understanding of what is going on and answered all our questions. Even though I still have cancer and it still is bad we walked out of the office feeling like we have a better grasp of things. We have more decisions to make but feel better prepared to make them. In a nutshell - radiation it out and chemo is in. I will post more details later after Brian and I have had a chance to talk things over more.