Thursday, August 13, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009: So Far So...
Well, not great. Kristi started the day feeling pretty good but then was hit with a wave of nausea and fatigue. Fortunately, a friend was able to take the kids and she is now resting. It’s not as bad as when she was on both Carboplatin and Taxol, but even a little nausea is not fun. Thanks for your continued prayers for Kristi as she recovers from round one.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009: An Unexpectedly Wonderful Day
Today has gone smoothly from start to finish. My doctor was in a good mood and he took the time to answer all of our questions. Basically my number continues to go up because "there is one stupid cancer cell that refuses to die and it keeps multiplying" (those were my words - after Dr. Downey stopped laughing he said "yes, that is what is going on".
Hopefully this chemo will be the one to take that cancer cell down! Thankfully I do not have to have Benadryl as a pre-med . . . that was soooooooo exciting to hear that. They watched me initially to make sure I didn't have any reactions - they didn't think I would but wanted to be safe. I didn't have a single side effect today!
So, the day started with a good visit with the doctor and then a yummy lunch at Arnie's. The time at the chemo clinic (about three hours) passed fairly quickly and no Benadryl or side effects? Doesn't get much better than that! Oh wait, it does, I got to spend the entire day with my favorite man!!
We got home around five and had a quiet supper together (my parents had the kids). I need to take an anti-nausea pill for a couple days just to be safe. It's best to stay ahead of the nausea if possible. I waited to make sure I wasn't tired from the pill and since I was feeling pretty good I headed to church where the kids were helping at a Back to School event. It was so fun to surprise them. I had originally planned to help at this event but wasn't able to because I had no idea how I was going to react to the chemo.
I am still a bit in shock at how well today went. I am completely peaceful and just thrilled at how well today went. Yea God!!!
Hopefully this chemo will be the one to take that cancer cell down! Thankfully I do not have to have Benadryl as a pre-med . . . that was soooooooo exciting to hear that. They watched me initially to make sure I didn't have any reactions - they didn't think I would but wanted to be safe. I didn't have a single side effect today!
So, the day started with a good visit with the doctor and then a yummy lunch at Arnie's. The time at the chemo clinic (about three hours) passed fairly quickly and no Benadryl or side effects? Doesn't get much better than that! Oh wait, it does, I got to spend the entire day with my favorite man!!
We got home around five and had a quiet supper together (my parents had the kids). I need to take an anti-nausea pill for a couple days just to be safe. It's best to stay ahead of the nausea if possible. I waited to make sure I wasn't tired from the pill and since I was feeling pretty good I headed to church where the kids were helping at a Back to School event. It was so fun to surprise them. I had originally planned to help at this event but wasn't able to because I had no idea how I was going to react to the chemo.
I am still a bit in shock at how well today went. I am completely peaceful and just thrilled at how well today went. Yea God!!!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009: Remaining in Him
A friend of mine once said "God has been calling me but He keeps getting a busy signal". That has been true of me recently. I've been busy planning my own life. This past weekend I started answering His call and listening. I've learned a lot and it has helped me prepare for this next step. If I shared everything I have learned this post would go on and on and on so I will just share one thing that has stuck with me the most.
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. John 15:1-4.
My Gardener is pruning me right now and it hurts. I'll admit I'm disappointed that we have to go down this road again but I know we're not going it alone. God is there ahead of us showing us the way and also behind us - catching us when we fall. He is also on either side to make sure we don't stray. He promises us in this verse that if we remain in Him that He will remain in us. I can't ask for anything more than that.
Brian and I will meet with my oncologist tomorrow morning and then we're off to the chemo clinic. Although I'm not looking forward to the doctors appointment and chemo clinic - I couldn't ask for a better person to spend my day with.
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. John 15:1-4.
My Gardener is pruning me right now and it hurts. I'll admit I'm disappointed that we have to go down this road again but I know we're not going it alone. God is there ahead of us showing us the way and also behind us - catching us when we fall. He is also on either side to make sure we don't stray. He promises us in this verse that if we remain in Him that He will remain in us. I can't ask for anything more than that.
Brian and I will meet with my oncologist tomorrow morning and then we're off to the chemo clinic. Although I'm not looking forward to the doctors appointment and chemo clinic - I couldn't ask for a better person to spend my day with.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009: New CA125
My new CA125 number is 102. I was guessing it would be around 100 so I'm not surprised. I will update more tonight but thought I'd better get the new number posted now.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009: Never Enough
Have you ever had a time where you made the perfect plans made for your child? You took extra care to make sure every base was covered. You knew this child would love every minute and that it would be the best day ever!
Then the time is here. The plans go great! Everyone has so much fun and you get to see that look on their face - that look of happiness and content. You quietly congratulate yourself on a job well done. No sooner are you done patting your back and wham! There is it. That look. Those words . . . "that was fun . . . but I want more".
You thought you were the perfect parent. You made all the right plans and they were going to bring your child complete joy and happiness. Ha! Not this time my friend. Okay so that sounds a tad bitter. It is just so frustrating when you think you have given your child the world on a platter and yet somehow, some way, it is just not enough. No more "great job mom" or "that was the best" but "I still want more".
As a parent I like to think that I know what is best for my child and that I can plan their lives accordingly. If only they would listen to me and trust me that my way is the right way and that "some day when you have children of your own you will understand!!!". (Wow, I think I just heard my moms voice run through my head!).
As I was thinking about this today I could hear God saying . . . what about you? I have given you so much. I have planned your life out and I know what is best for you and yet every day . . . you want more. Ouch. I get so sad when my kids don't trust that I want what is best for them. What must God think of me? Thank goodness that His thoughts are not the same as ours . . . . "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. (Isaiah 55:8)
God has planned out the perfect life for me . . . . For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11). Right now that is all I need to know. He made these plans and He only wants what is best for me.
Tomorrow I go in for blood work. They will be testing my CA125 again. I don't know what those results will be but God does. The plans for my life are already written in His book. As I wait for this next page to turn I will trust that He knows what is best and that is more than enough for me.
Then the time is here. The plans go great! Everyone has so much fun and you get to see that look on their face - that look of happiness and content. You quietly congratulate yourself on a job well done. No sooner are you done patting your back and wham! There is it. That look. Those words . . . "that was fun . . . but I want more".
You thought you were the perfect parent. You made all the right plans and they were going to bring your child complete joy and happiness. Ha! Not this time my friend. Okay so that sounds a tad bitter. It is just so frustrating when you think you have given your child the world on a platter and yet somehow, some way, it is just not enough. No more "great job mom" or "that was the best" but "I still want more".
As a parent I like to think that I know what is best for my child and that I can plan their lives accordingly. If only they would listen to me and trust me that my way is the right way and that "some day when you have children of your own you will understand!!!". (Wow, I think I just heard my moms voice run through my head!).
As I was thinking about this today I could hear God saying . . . what about you? I have given you so much. I have planned your life out and I know what is best for you and yet every day . . . you want more. Ouch. I get so sad when my kids don't trust that I want what is best for them. What must God think of me? Thank goodness that His thoughts are not the same as ours . . . . "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. (Isaiah 55:8)
God has planned out the perfect life for me . . . . For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11). Right now that is all I need to know. He made these plans and He only wants what is best for me.
Tomorrow I go in for blood work. They will be testing my CA125 again. I don't know what those results will be but God does. The plans for my life are already written in His book. As I wait for this next page to turn I will trust that He knows what is best and that is more than enough for me.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009: Ambien Man
It's been a while since I have done a posting. I promised Kristi I would do one last week but never got around to it. I've been busy at work and busy around the house and Kristi had been doing so well both physically and emotionally that she sort of took over the blog. That was until last week of course. That news last week was a bitter reminder of how cruel this disease is. It was like a kick in the gut. We both took the news hard and are both still struggling with the thought of chemo again. We went camping with friends last weekend so that helped a little bit (keeping busy is always good to keep our minds off of cancer). Although we did have a good time with our friends, I don't think either of us were mentally there. Then Kristi had VBS last week so she was really busy every day with that.
Now things wind down a bit and we will kind of coast for the next week and a half. With lots of down time I'm afraid that our minds will start getting taken to some dark places. Please focus your prayers on Kristi's emotional well being and that her depression doesn't take her down.
For those of you that follow our blog regularly, you know that I have sleep apnea and that I sleep with a CPAP machine. To fall asleep I take a sleeping pill called Ambien. I usually take it right before I crawl into bed. But...once in a while I get distracted and the pill starts to kick in before I make it to bed. I've fallen asleep around the house in some interesting spots...on end tables reaching to turn a light off, underneath a Christmas tree while I was watering it, on the stairs, etc. Sometimes however, I get a little goofy. A couple months back Kristi claims I was air-guitarring to some loud music. For whatever reason I don't remember these things - she tells me about them the next morning. Well, last night I had another "episode". This time Kristi thought it would be a good idea to record me.
Na, I had it posted but used better judgment and pulled it!! You'll have to stop by to see it! :)
As always, thanks for keeping our family in your prayers.
Now things wind down a bit and we will kind of coast for the next week and a half. With lots of down time I'm afraid that our minds will start getting taken to some dark places. Please focus your prayers on Kristi's emotional well being and that her depression doesn't take her down.
For those of you that follow our blog regularly, you know that I have sleep apnea and that I sleep with a CPAP machine. To fall asleep I take a sleeping pill called Ambien. I usually take it right before I crawl into bed. But...once in a while I get distracted and the pill starts to kick in before I make it to bed. I've fallen asleep around the house in some interesting spots...on end tables reaching to turn a light off, underneath a Christmas tree while I was watering it, on the stairs, etc. Sometimes however, I get a little goofy. A couple months back Kristi claims I was air-guitarring to some loud music. For whatever reason I don't remember these things - she tells me about them the next morning. Well, last night I had another "episode". This time Kristi thought it would be a good idea to record me.
Na, I had it posted but used better judgment and pulled it!! You'll have to stop by to see it! :)
As always, thanks for keeping our family in your prayers.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009: Reality vs. Denial
I have been flipping back and forth between reality and denial for the past week. I just googled the definitions of each of those and here are some things I found . . .
reality - the totality of real things and events
denial - a psychological defense mechanism in which confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the existence of the problem or reality
In reality, I have cancer. Reality stinks. In denial, all is well. I like denial. I'm finding out that it is not good to stay in either place too long though. Too much time in reality and life can become very overwhelming. Too much time in denial isn't safe either because eventually you have to come out.
I have been helping with vacation bible school at our church this week and have completely immersed myself in it. For those of you that don't know, I attend the church that has the crazy huge number of kids - we have averaged around 600 a day! It is organized chaos. It was wonderful being a part of this week and putting cancer on hold. As this week comes to an end though I am again hit with the reality that in a couple weeks we will begin chemo. As I said earlier, reality stinks.
I did have some encouraging news earlier today though. I talked to my nurse and she doesn't believe that my hair will fall out with this chemo. Yaaaaaaa!!!! Her biggest concern for me is nausea and my blood counts. Both of these can be helped with medication. When I talked to my doctor a week ago I felt like I had been given a death sentence. After talking to my nurse today I feel like I've simply hit another bump in the road. It's a really big bump and it's going to leave me pretty beat up and bruised but - it's not the end of the road.
Please continue praying that we will not look beyond today. We will not be able to make plans for a while because I will probably be having unexpected trips to the hospital for blood transfusions or I will simply be too sick to go places. This was really hard for us when I first started chemo two years ago.
Pray also that we will make the right choices for treatment. This disease is so sneaky and a lot of it is a guessing game. There are a lot of options out there and we need to decide what is best for us. Right now I will be going in to the lab on August 10 to have my blood work done including my CA125. I have a doctors appointment on August 12 with my oncologist to discuss my treatment and after that we will head to the chemo clinic and let the fun begin.
I need to get to bed now so I have enough energy to make it through the last day of vbs. I wish I could bottle the energy that these kids have!
reality - the totality of real things and events
denial - a psychological defense mechanism in which confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the existence of the problem or reality
In reality, I have cancer. Reality stinks. In denial, all is well. I like denial. I'm finding out that it is not good to stay in either place too long though. Too much time in reality and life can become very overwhelming. Too much time in denial isn't safe either because eventually you have to come out.
I have been helping with vacation bible school at our church this week and have completely immersed myself in it. For those of you that don't know, I attend the church that has the crazy huge number of kids - we have averaged around 600 a day! It is organized chaos. It was wonderful being a part of this week and putting cancer on hold. As this week comes to an end though I am again hit with the reality that in a couple weeks we will begin chemo. As I said earlier, reality stinks.
I did have some encouraging news earlier today though. I talked to my nurse and she doesn't believe that my hair will fall out with this chemo. Yaaaaaaa!!!! Her biggest concern for me is nausea and my blood counts. Both of these can be helped with medication. When I talked to my doctor a week ago I felt like I had been given a death sentence. After talking to my nurse today I feel like I've simply hit another bump in the road. It's a really big bump and it's going to leave me pretty beat up and bruised but - it's not the end of the road.
Please continue praying that we will not look beyond today. We will not be able to make plans for a while because I will probably be having unexpected trips to the hospital for blood transfusions or I will simply be too sick to go places. This was really hard for us when I first started chemo two years ago.
Pray also that we will make the right choices for treatment. This disease is so sneaky and a lot of it is a guessing game. There are a lot of options out there and we need to decide what is best for us. Right now I will be going in to the lab on August 10 to have my blood work done including my CA125. I have a doctors appointment on August 12 with my oncologist to discuss my treatment and after that we will head to the chemo clinic and let the fun begin.
I need to get to bed now so I have enough energy to make it through the last day of vbs. I wish I could bottle the energy that these kids have!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Sunday, July 27, 2009: Trials
I have been at the computer typing and re-typing and am just at a loss for words. Usually God puts it on my heart what He wants me to say and the words just come right out. Right now nothing sounds right. I think I am trying to force something because I just want to let everyone know how we're doing.
So, there is no witty comments or insight in this post. Just wanted to let everyone know we are still here. Still dealing with this news. Still adjusting. Still thinking it really, really stinks but we will get through it.
I came across this verse tonight . . .
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4
I can't say that I'm considering this trial to be "pure joy". I honestly don't think that I will ever be able to say that. I am ready to persevere though.
I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13.
So, there is no witty comments or insight in this post. Just wanted to let everyone know we are still here. Still dealing with this news. Still adjusting. Still thinking it really, really stinks but we will get through it.
I came across this verse tonight . . .
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4
I can't say that I'm considering this trial to be "pure joy". I honestly don't think that I will ever be able to say that. I am ready to persevere though.
I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009: Really?
Really? Again? Really? That word keeps going through my head. Tomorrow it will be 2 1/2 years since we first heard the "c" word. Two and a half years of ups and downs, surgeries and chemo treatments, tears and laughter. Our family has grown so much through this battle. We are not the same as we used to be and we never will be again.
I am numb. When I don't think about "it" I am okay. Denial isn't such a bad place to be. When I look at Brian though, my heart breaks. How do you watch your spouse go through something like this again? I see my kids and I get so frustrated for them. They deserve to have a mom that can go with them on field trips and help in the classroom. A mom that isn't tired all the time. A mom that can run around and play with them. A mom with hair. A mom.
Deep down I think that is my biggest fear. I can talk the talk all I want about beating this cancer but when it comes right down to it - God knows the plans He has made for me. I can hope and pray and plead and beg that those plans include watching my children grow up. That they include growing old with Brian. Sigh - for I know the plans I have made for me.
I heard the song tonight "Sometimes He calms the storm". With a whispered peace be still, He can settle any sea, but it doesn't mean He will. Sometimes He holds us close and lets the wind and waves go wild. Sometimes He calms the storm, and other times He calms His child.
I think the wind and waves of this cancerous storm are about to go wild. I really wish God would just calm this storm but if He doesn't then I will cling to the thought that He will calm His child.
I am numb. When I don't think about "it" I am okay. Denial isn't such a bad place to be. When I look at Brian though, my heart breaks. How do you watch your spouse go through something like this again? I see my kids and I get so frustrated for them. They deserve to have a mom that can go with them on field trips and help in the classroom. A mom that isn't tired all the time. A mom that can run around and play with them. A mom with hair. A mom.
Deep down I think that is my biggest fear. I can talk the talk all I want about beating this cancer but when it comes right down to it - God knows the plans He has made for me. I can hope and pray and plead and beg that those plans include watching my children grow up. That they include growing old with Brian. Sigh - for I know the plans I have made for me.
I heard the song tonight "Sometimes He calms the storm". With a whispered peace be still, He can settle any sea, but it doesn't mean He will. Sometimes He holds us close and lets the wind and waves go wild. Sometimes He calms the storm, and other times He calms His child.
I think the wind and waves of this cancerous storm are about to go wild. I really wish God would just calm this storm but if He doesn't then I will cling to the thought that He will calm His child.
Wednesday, June 22, 2009: Our Hands Are Reaching Out
At the end of my last update I challenged everyone to accept help when life knocks you down. Well, we have been knocked down completely once again. My hands have been lifted up in desperation asking "why". They have been wiping my tears. They have been folded in prayer. They have been holding my head up. And now they are reaching out to all of you, humbly asking for your help once again.
My CA125 has gone up to 71. I will be starting the "biggie" chemo again beginning on August 12. The toxic "kill the good and the bad" chemo that I originally started on two years ago. My hair will go, my energy will go, my blood counts will go. I have gone from shock to sadness to anger and have settled into numbness.
We told the kids tonight and they didn't even shed a tear. Nothing. Ashley went to play with a friend and Nathan still wanted to go to his karate class. I am so sad to think that these kids are so used to this kind of news that they are numb to it. I know the tears will come later for them. When this chemo starts and my hair goes it will be hard for them. Hard for all of us.
I was actually driving when I received "the call". I pulled into a parking lot and sobbed. On the radio was the song "God is God" by Steven Curtis Chapman. God is God and I am not. I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting. God is God and I am man so I’ll never understand it all for only God is God.
I told Brian just a couple days ago that if this cancer came back I honestly didn't know if I would have any fight left in me. Well, cancer has challenged me for another round and I will kick its butt once again. I'm exhausted and so very, very tired of this battle and ready to just beat my head against the wall but I will not give up. I will fight it with everything in me. I am not physically or emotionally ready for this battle but I know that with God all things are possible. I am armed with God's strength, overwhelmingly supportive family and friends, wonderful children and the absolutely positively best husband in the world.
I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13.
My CA125 has gone up to 71. I will be starting the "biggie" chemo again beginning on August 12. The toxic "kill the good and the bad" chemo that I originally started on two years ago. My hair will go, my energy will go, my blood counts will go. I have gone from shock to sadness to anger and have settled into numbness.
We told the kids tonight and they didn't even shed a tear. Nothing. Ashley went to play with a friend and Nathan still wanted to go to his karate class. I am so sad to think that these kids are so used to this kind of news that they are numb to it. I know the tears will come later for them. When this chemo starts and my hair goes it will be hard for them. Hard for all of us.
I was actually driving when I received "the call". I pulled into a parking lot and sobbed. On the radio was the song "God is God" by Steven Curtis Chapman. God is God and I am not. I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting. God is God and I am man so I’ll never understand it all for only God is God.
I told Brian just a couple days ago that if this cancer came back I honestly didn't know if I would have any fight left in me. Well, cancer has challenged me for another round and I will kick its butt once again. I'm exhausted and so very, very tired of this battle and ready to just beat my head against the wall but I will not give up. I will fight it with everything in me. I am not physically or emotionally ready for this battle but I know that with God all things are possible. I am armed with God's strength, overwhelmingly supportive family and friends, wonderful children and the absolutely positively best husband in the world.
I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009: I'm O.K. . . . Really I Am.
I have a stamp that has a picture of a turtle laying on his back with his legs in the air. It looks like he is moving his legs around just trying to get back onto his feet. The words around him say "I'm o.k . . . . really I am. " This stamp sums me up quite well.
I met with my oncologist on Monday morning and I had my Avastin treatment today. Unfortunately my appointment today was too late to get the results from the CA125 test. I should hear something tomorrow. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
After 6:00 tonight I knew that I wouldn't be getting a call with the results (there was a small chance they may have gotten it early). After that time frame passed I was fine. I knew I was safe from hearing any bad news tonight. Tomorrow morning though when I wake up the phone will be right next to me as I anxiously will it to ring.
I was thinking about that poor upside down turtle today - stuck on his back, wiggling around, trying to get back on his feet again. That is just what it feels like when problems come our way. The carpet gets pulled out from underneath us and boom, we are flat on our backs looking up and wondering - what just happened? I think this is just where God wants us to be. On our back, realizing our weakness, and looking up to Him.
If we would stop struggling alone trying to get our self back up we would realize that our friend is right next to us, seeing our struggles, wanting to simply lend a hand and give us that little push that will get us back onto our feet again. We humans sure are such silly creatures. We hate to ask for help when we need it and yet when someone else needs help we're right there ready to lend a hand.
Next time you find yourself knocked over by life remember to look up to Him. And when those friends come by and extend their hand to help pull you up - accept their hand.
I met with my oncologist on Monday morning and I had my Avastin treatment today. Unfortunately my appointment today was too late to get the results from the CA125 test. I should hear something tomorrow. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
After 6:00 tonight I knew that I wouldn't be getting a call with the results (there was a small chance they may have gotten it early). After that time frame passed I was fine. I knew I was safe from hearing any bad news tonight. Tomorrow morning though when I wake up the phone will be right next to me as I anxiously will it to ring.
I was thinking about that poor upside down turtle today - stuck on his back, wiggling around, trying to get back on his feet again. That is just what it feels like when problems come our way. The carpet gets pulled out from underneath us and boom, we are flat on our backs looking up and wondering - what just happened? I think this is just where God wants us to be. On our back, realizing our weakness, and looking up to Him.
If we would stop struggling alone trying to get our self back up we would realize that our friend is right next to us, seeing our struggles, wanting to simply lend a hand and give us that little push that will get us back onto our feet again. We humans sure are such silly creatures. We hate to ask for help when we need it and yet when someone else needs help we're right there ready to lend a hand.
Next time you find yourself knocked over by life remember to look up to Him. And when those friends come by and extend their hand to help pull you up - accept their hand.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009: Stop The Ride I Want To Get Off!
When I was a kid I loved going to Cedar Point. My favorite part was going on the rides. The faster it was and the higher it went the better it was. I still love roller coasters. This roller coaster called "life" though I'm ready to get off.
I seem to have this vicious cycle that reminds me of a roller coaster. I'm up. I'm down. I'm up. I'm down. I just want to stop. Can't I just stop somewhere in the middle? Just pause for a little and catch my breath? Just some time to look ahead and see what is coming? Actually, I usually know what is coming . . . if I'm down - up is coming (although you can't convince me of this when I'm down). If I'm up - down is coming.
I was doing fairly well the past couple weeks and this morning I woke up completely drowning in a pit. I didn't even see it coming. Brian had to video at church and when he came home he found me in bed, under the covers, down so low I was convinced I would never come up again. He sat there listening to me whine, complain, and beat myself up. He has got to be so tired of this routine. I told him if I were him I would have taken me out to the curb with the garbage a long time ago. He is so patient. Okay, so he isn't always patient but when I am in the middle of one of my "episodes" he is extremely patient with me.
This afternoon I read this . . . the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8). Depression is definitely my "roaring lion". I felt defeated and under attack, worthless and hopeless. I asked Brian today - how do I make this go away? He simply slid by bible next to me and said "read". When I'm down that is the last thing I want to do. Thankfully I have him to remind me and encourage me to. Because he did, I read the verse I mentioned earlier. It sparked something in me - the need to fight back against this roaring lion and not give up.
I debated even posting about this. We have always been honest on this blog and some days I don't really want to be. I figured - who wants to read about my pity party anyway? And what would the point be? It's not always easy publicly airing my "issues". Then I started thinking . . . I'm sure I'm not alone in this struggle. How many of you out there get down? Feel worthless? Hopeless? Completely alone? It may feel like it but we're not. I felt completely alone this morning but God was there. He was ready to help me and was simply waiting for me to ask.
Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with my oncologist for my routine visit I have every 3 weeks. My treatment is scheduled for Wednesday morning but I am hoping to try and reschedule it for Monday afternoon or Tuesday. My CA125 will be tested again during the treatment. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't anxious about my number. Even if I am able to schedule my treatment for tomorrow afternoon I won't have my number until Tuesday. I can hear the clock ticking already.
It is time for me to get back on that roller coaster now. I'm thankful that I am past this last "down" and am looking forward to the next "up". It sure would be nice though if I could get on a slow kiddie ride that simply goes in circles for a change. Slow, even, predictable boring circles.
We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3-4.
I seem to have this vicious cycle that reminds me of a roller coaster. I'm up. I'm down. I'm up. I'm down. I just want to stop. Can't I just stop somewhere in the middle? Just pause for a little and catch my breath? Just some time to look ahead and see what is coming? Actually, I usually know what is coming . . . if I'm down - up is coming (although you can't convince me of this when I'm down). If I'm up - down is coming.
I was doing fairly well the past couple weeks and this morning I woke up completely drowning in a pit. I didn't even see it coming. Brian had to video at church and when he came home he found me in bed, under the covers, down so low I was convinced I would never come up again. He sat there listening to me whine, complain, and beat myself up. He has got to be so tired of this routine. I told him if I were him I would have taken me out to the curb with the garbage a long time ago. He is so patient. Okay, so he isn't always patient but when I am in the middle of one of my "episodes" he is extremely patient with me.
This afternoon I read this . . . the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8). Depression is definitely my "roaring lion". I felt defeated and under attack, worthless and hopeless. I asked Brian today - how do I make this go away? He simply slid by bible next to me and said "read". When I'm down that is the last thing I want to do. Thankfully I have him to remind me and encourage me to. Because he did, I read the verse I mentioned earlier. It sparked something in me - the need to fight back against this roaring lion and not give up.
I debated even posting about this. We have always been honest on this blog and some days I don't really want to be. I figured - who wants to read about my pity party anyway? And what would the point be? It's not always easy publicly airing my "issues". Then I started thinking . . . I'm sure I'm not alone in this struggle. How many of you out there get down? Feel worthless? Hopeless? Completely alone? It may feel like it but we're not. I felt completely alone this morning but God was there. He was ready to help me and was simply waiting for me to ask.
Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with my oncologist for my routine visit I have every 3 weeks. My treatment is scheduled for Wednesday morning but I am hoping to try and reschedule it for Monday afternoon or Tuesday. My CA125 will be tested again during the treatment. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't anxious about my number. Even if I am able to schedule my treatment for tomorrow afternoon I won't have my number until Tuesday. I can hear the clock ticking already.
It is time for me to get back on that roller coaster now. I'm thankful that I am past this last "down" and am looking forward to the next "up". It sure would be nice though if I could get on a slow kiddie ride that simply goes in circles for a change. Slow, even, predictable boring circles.
We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3-4.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009: What's In Your Fist?
I apologize for getting so far behind on the blog. I had an appointment with my oncologist on Monday and that went well. I had my treatment on Wednesday which went fine too. I even brought the kids and my mom with me. Because my appointment was in the afternoon I wasn't able to get my CA125 results until today . . . it wasn’t quite the number I was hoping for.
Six weeks ago I was at 20. I forgot to post it three weeks ago . . . it had gone up to 25 . . . not a big deal. It was tested again yesterday and it is now at 34. Again, not a big deal. Okay, so at first it was a big deal. After going from 20 to 25 I was really hoping to hear it had jumped back down. I am still considered to be "normal" because I am under 35.
Although I was initially shocked about the new number I had a peace shortly after. I realized I could worry about this for three weeks until it is tested again or I can give it to God while I'm waiting. Then the song Everlasting God ran through my head . . . specifically the lyrics "strength will rise when we wait upon the Lord".
This morning before I talked to my nurse I had done my bible study and it talked about things that we hold tightly in our fists and are afraid to give over to God. I thought I had given my fear of the cancer returning over to Him. Most of the time I do but then it slowly sneaks back in and before I know it, I'm holding it tight in my fist thinking that I can take care of it myself. Silly me.
The lesson shared a story about a dog holding onto a toy in his mouth and refusing to let it go. His owner tried but he wouldn't budge. Ironically, all she wanted to do was put a snack in it and give it back to him.
At the end of the lesson they talked about what happens when we release our white knuckled fists and give whatever it is we are hanging onto to Him. He will either take it from us and return it with a treat in it or reveal to us something we couldn't see because we were so focused on our white knuckled grip.
God has taken away my fear once again and I know He won't give it back. The only way it will come back is if I take it. When I look at it from this perspective I can't understand why I keep trying to take it back! I also don't understand why I don't start out every day with my bible study. Doing this won’t change what will happen to me that day but it will change how I choose to handle it.
Six weeks ago I was at 20. I forgot to post it three weeks ago . . . it had gone up to 25 . . . not a big deal. It was tested again yesterday and it is now at 34. Again, not a big deal. Okay, so at first it was a big deal. After going from 20 to 25 I was really hoping to hear it had jumped back down. I am still considered to be "normal" because I am under 35.
Although I was initially shocked about the new number I had a peace shortly after. I realized I could worry about this for three weeks until it is tested again or I can give it to God while I'm waiting. Then the song Everlasting God ran through my head . . . specifically the lyrics "strength will rise when we wait upon the Lord".
This morning before I talked to my nurse I had done my bible study and it talked about things that we hold tightly in our fists and are afraid to give over to God. I thought I had given my fear of the cancer returning over to Him. Most of the time I do but then it slowly sneaks back in and before I know it, I'm holding it tight in my fist thinking that I can take care of it myself. Silly me.
The lesson shared a story about a dog holding onto a toy in his mouth and refusing to let it go. His owner tried but he wouldn't budge. Ironically, all she wanted to do was put a snack in it and give it back to him.
At the end of the lesson they talked about what happens when we release our white knuckled fists and give whatever it is we are hanging onto to Him. He will either take it from us and return it with a treat in it or reveal to us something we couldn't see because we were so focused on our white knuckled grip.
God has taken away my fear once again and I know He won't give it back. The only way it will come back is if I take it. When I look at it from this perspective I can't understand why I keep trying to take it back! I also don't understand why I don't start out every day with my bible study. Doing this won’t change what will happen to me that day but it will change how I choose to handle it.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009: Pea Green Soup
Friday night Nathan shared a riddle with me. He said he was going to ask me four questions and that I had to answer "pea green soup" to every question (sorry if you've heard this one before!). Anyway, here goes.
What did you have for breakfast? (Pea green soup). What did you have for lunch? (Pea green soup). What did you have for supper? (Pea green soup). What did you do all night? (Pea green soup). Sorry, gross. Little did I know at that point that I would be experiencing my own four "pea's" over the next two days.
The first one was "power". We lost power a couple hours after Nathan shared this joke with me.
The second one was "pool". The kids have always wanted us to have a pool. I'm pretty sure they wanted this to be in the back yard though . . . not the basement.
The next one was "panic". Over the past couple days I have been slowly letting the panic overcome me. This afternoon I was very close to having a panic attack. (Last year I had the joy of experiencing my first full blown panic attack - let's just say it wasn't good).
My final "p" was for "peace". I realized that if I didn't slow down soon that the panic attack was going to win so I went to a quiet room and did some of the techniques that my kineseologist had taught me last year. Once my breathing started improving I started to think of where my "happy place" was that I needed to mentally go to. Right away I could almost hear God saying "come back to Me - I've got this all under control". I literally felt my panic being replaced with peace.
So over the past couple days I have lost "power", gained a "pool", took control of a "panic attack" and found "peace".
Praise God!
What did you have for breakfast? (Pea green soup). What did you have for lunch? (Pea green soup). What did you have for supper? (Pea green soup). What did you do all night? (Pea green soup). Sorry, gross. Little did I know at that point that I would be experiencing my own four "pea's" over the next two days.
The first one was "power". We lost power a couple hours after Nathan shared this joke with me.
The second one was "pool". The kids have always wanted us to have a pool. I'm pretty sure they wanted this to be in the back yard though . . . not the basement.
The next one was "panic". Over the past couple days I have been slowly letting the panic overcome me. This afternoon I was very close to having a panic attack. (Last year I had the joy of experiencing my first full blown panic attack - let's just say it wasn't good).
My final "p" was for "peace". I realized that if I didn't slow down soon that the panic attack was going to win so I went to a quiet room and did some of the techniques that my kineseologist had taught me last year. Once my breathing started improving I started to think of where my "happy place" was that I needed to mentally go to. Right away I could almost hear God saying "come back to Me - I've got this all under control". I literally felt my panic being replaced with peace.
So over the past couple days I have lost "power", gained a "pool", took control of a "panic attack" and found "peace".
Praise God!
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009: When It Rains It Pours
At 8:00 last night out power went out. At 8:00 this morning Brian went downstairs and heard "splash" with the first step (actually he saw it before he heard it). Most of our cul-de-sac has flooded basements. It was unreal watching all the neighbors going from house to house this morning - everyone working together to empty basements.
Thankfully our power has returned. Modernistic is in our basement right now sucking the water out and will then be ripping out all the carpet. We "had" a finished basement. I guess now it's unfinished. I'm trying to find the silver lining in all of this but I have to say . . . . this sucks.
I am very thankful to have Ashley and Nathan home from Camp Geneva safe and sound. As of this morning that was all I wanted - the kids home safe and sound. Now that I have that all I want is a dry basement. And new carpet. And this entire disaster to go away without all the physical labor that is soon to follow. One step at a time. One teeny tiny painfully slow baby step at a time.
Please pray that we continue to look for the positive and not dwell on the negative. We've been meaning to clean the basement . . . pretty soon it will be cleaner than it has ever been. We have our power back. The sun is shining! Insurance won't cover this. Oops, forgot, looking at positive . . . .
Despite how awful this is I have to say seeing our neighborhood pull together this morning was just amazing.
Thankfully our power has returned. Modernistic is in our basement right now sucking the water out and will then be ripping out all the carpet. We "had" a finished basement. I guess now it's unfinished. I'm trying to find the silver lining in all of this but I have to say . . . . this sucks.
I am very thankful to have Ashley and Nathan home from Camp Geneva safe and sound. As of this morning that was all I wanted - the kids home safe and sound. Now that I have that all I want is a dry basement. And new carpet. And this entire disaster to go away without all the physical labor that is soon to follow. One step at a time. One teeny tiny painfully slow baby step at a time.
Please pray that we continue to look for the positive and not dwell on the negative. We've been meaning to clean the basement . . . pretty soon it will be cleaner than it has ever been. We have our power back. The sun is shining! Insurance won't cover this. Oops, forgot, looking at positive . . . .
Despite how awful this is I have to say seeing our neighborhood pull together this morning was just amazing.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Thursday, June 18: 2009: Shine On
I can't believe it has already been almost a week since the Relay for Life! I have been busy being a taxi cab driver this week. Nathan has been going to day camp at Camp Geneva so we've been making a couple trips a day out there. It has been so wonderful though hearing about how much fun Nathan is having that I would drive twice as much if necessary! Ashley has been at camp since Monday morning and won't be coming home until Saturday morning. This cutting the apron strings thing never gets any easier!
The relay was again a wonderful experience. I made it the entire 24 hours this year! I wasn't awake the entire time (thanks to a sleeping pill) but I stayed the entire time. I walked, visited with friends & family, rested, cried, ate (too much) food, cried some more, reflected on the past and was encouraged by survivors. So far over $150,000 has been raised! I am already planning on attending next year and the year after that, and the year after that . . .
I've been reading back over the blog and am always shocked at everything that we have endured. I have forgotten about so much which is good but at the same time I don't ever want to forget. I want to always be grateful for every day that I wake up and for every battle that God brought us through.
There were some battles that didn't make sense and I don't know that we really won them. What I do know is that the final battle has already been won and that is all that really matters. It is so easy to get caught up in the day to day stress and forget what our main priority here on this temporary earth is.
At the beginning of this journey I told everyone to put their sunglasses on cuz God was going to shine bright through me. He has done that more than I could have even imagined. For those of you that don't know me, I am probably one of the most extremely anxious, always worrying person with a very, very low tolerance for pain. Knowing this makes God's light seem so much brighter.
God isn't done shining through me yet (and I hope He never is). In addition to His shining, I need to start doing some shining of my own. I need to get out of my comfy little routine and quit using the cancer card (yup, I'm still using it). I have a survivor story to share (not only cancer but eternal life) with anyone that will listen.
Recently I've noticed some changes in myself. I've been a people please all my life and it's really getting tiresome. I also realized that the way I'm trying to please people is how I would be pleased and I'm actually probably ticking them off! I've heard that once you hit 40 you finally start to become more comfortable with yourself and start worrying less about what people think of you. Although I'm not quite 40 yet (5 months, 3 weeks and 6 days to go) I am starting to understand that concept.
At risk of making this a very long post (shocker, I know) I need to publicly apologize to Brian. I have always given him a hard time about how he is constantly listening to music. We have a radio and unnecessarily large speaker in every single room of the house (yes, even the bathroom). I prefer things to be "quiet". He has also been known to break into dance at any given moment. Every time he does this I will put four fingers up with my left hand and a zero with my right hand (to remind him that he is 40 - not the 20 year old rock star he is acting like).
Well, today I put on Toby Mac (once I figured out how to get i-tunes going on my computer and how to get the surround sound speakers working). I turned the music up loud (no one else was home) and I sang and danced (loudly and badly) while I cleaned the kitchen. Go figure, I had fun cleaning the kitchen. I felt very upbeat and positive and happy. I guess my husband is pretty smart after all. Maybe next time he starts dancing I will have to try joining him instead of mocking him. Okay so I'll stop mocking him but I'm not sure I'm up to having a witness to my dancing yet . . . maybe some day.
The relay was again a wonderful experience. I made it the entire 24 hours this year! I wasn't awake the entire time (thanks to a sleeping pill) but I stayed the entire time. I walked, visited with friends & family, rested, cried, ate (too much) food, cried some more, reflected on the past and was encouraged by survivors. So far over $150,000 has been raised! I am already planning on attending next year and the year after that, and the year after that . . .
I've been reading back over the blog and am always shocked at everything that we have endured. I have forgotten about so much which is good but at the same time I don't ever want to forget. I want to always be grateful for every day that I wake up and for every battle that God brought us through.
There were some battles that didn't make sense and I don't know that we really won them. What I do know is that the final battle has already been won and that is all that really matters. It is so easy to get caught up in the day to day stress and forget what our main priority here on this temporary earth is.
At the beginning of this journey I told everyone to put their sunglasses on cuz God was going to shine bright through me. He has done that more than I could have even imagined. For those of you that don't know me, I am probably one of the most extremely anxious, always worrying person with a very, very low tolerance for pain. Knowing this makes God's light seem so much brighter.
God isn't done shining through me yet (and I hope He never is). In addition to His shining, I need to start doing some shining of my own. I need to get out of my comfy little routine and quit using the cancer card (yup, I'm still using it). I have a survivor story to share (not only cancer but eternal life) with anyone that will listen.
Recently I've noticed some changes in myself. I've been a people please all my life and it's really getting tiresome. I also realized that the way I'm trying to please people is how I would be pleased and I'm actually probably ticking them off! I've heard that once you hit 40 you finally start to become more comfortable with yourself and start worrying less about what people think of you. Although I'm not quite 40 yet (5 months, 3 weeks and 6 days to go) I am starting to understand that concept.
At risk of making this a very long post (shocker, I know) I need to publicly apologize to Brian. I have always given him a hard time about how he is constantly listening to music. We have a radio and unnecessarily large speaker in every single room of the house (yes, even the bathroom). I prefer things to be "quiet". He has also been known to break into dance at any given moment. Every time he does this I will put four fingers up with my left hand and a zero with my right hand (to remind him that he is 40 - not the 20 year old rock star he is acting like).
Well, today I put on Toby Mac (once I figured out how to get i-tunes going on my computer and how to get the surround sound speakers working). I turned the music up loud (no one else was home) and I sang and danced (loudly and badly) while I cleaned the kitchen. Go figure, I had fun cleaning the kitchen. I felt very upbeat and positive and happy. I guess my husband is pretty smart after all. Maybe next time he starts dancing I will have to try joining him instead of mocking him. Okay so I'll stop mocking him but I'm not sure I'm up to having a witness to my dancing yet . . . maybe some day.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009: The "maintenance" begins
Today was round one of fifteen on my maintenance treatment. The drug I receive is Avastin and it goes through my chest port over 1/2 hour. The cost . . . you may want to sit down . . . . $12,000. Yup, twelve thousand dollars. We are extremely fortunate that our insurance covers this or I would not be able to receive it at that cost. I don't need any premeds for this which means . . hooray . . . no benadryl! So far I haven't had any reaction to it.
We had an appointment with Dr. Downey this morning and I asked him straight out - were there times over the past two years that he didn't think that I was going to survive and he said yes. There were times that he didn't think I would beat the odds. I've told him from day one that I was going to survive and I think he finally believes me now :) He is very happy with the way things are going.
At the clinic today there was a woman with a bandanna on her head because her hair had fallen out. She looked very drained. It instantly brought me back a couple years when I was on that awful chemo. We would go in day 1, day 2 and day 8 out of a 21 day cycle. I would just finally feel human again and wham! That year was absolutely horrible.
My heart ached for this woman. My thoughts then turned to "what if the cancer comes back and I need to return to another aggressive chemo". I can't go there - I can't do that. I was overwhelmed at the thought of fighting that fight. I didn't think I was capable of something that difficult.
Then it hit me. I am capable of that. I did survive that. I went there, I did that and I kicked cancers butt!! Right now I can't imagine having it in me to survive something like that. Actually, I don't have that in me. I am a complete wimp when it comes to pain. That makes it all the more obvious that God was fighting this battle through me. He gave me just what I needed to get through each day. Should the day come where I need to fight some more . . . He's going to be there again.
The Relay for Life is coming up in two days. As I looked at all the people in the chemo clinic today I was thinking about the magnitude of this event. The money raised here goes to research. That research discovered the chemo and maintenance that I've been on. Without that . . . well, it wouldn't be good.
Thank you so much to those of you who have donated already. If you would still like to donate, the link to my web page is on the right hand side of our blog. I realize that times are tight right now and there are so many wonderful causes that need our support. Even if you can't contribute financially you can still contribute by keeping this event in your prayers.
At 6:00 on Friday night there is a victory lap. This is one of the most emotional parts of the evening. All the survivors and their families walk around the track. It is amazing to see all the purple survivor shirts. It is so encouraging to see all the people that have survived! Anyone is welcome to come check it out. If you have been thinking about being a part of the Relay I would recommend coming this year just to see what is all about. It is a very family friendly event. All the information about the event (time, location, activities) are also on my web page.
On a completely separate note, Brian is really struggling with his fatigue again. He had a few really good weeks and we saw a glimpse of the "old" Brian (well, not literally old). Just a couple days ago the fatigue returned and today he had a hard time even staying awake during my treatment. He is so tired of being tired. Please continue to keep him in your prayers.
As always - thank you.
We had an appointment with Dr. Downey this morning and I asked him straight out - were there times over the past two years that he didn't think that I was going to survive and he said yes. There were times that he didn't think I would beat the odds. I've told him from day one that I was going to survive and I think he finally believes me now :) He is very happy with the way things are going.
At the clinic today there was a woman with a bandanna on her head because her hair had fallen out. She looked very drained. It instantly brought me back a couple years when I was on that awful chemo. We would go in day 1, day 2 and day 8 out of a 21 day cycle. I would just finally feel human again and wham! That year was absolutely horrible.
My heart ached for this woman. My thoughts then turned to "what if the cancer comes back and I need to return to another aggressive chemo". I can't go there - I can't do that. I was overwhelmed at the thought of fighting that fight. I didn't think I was capable of something that difficult.
Then it hit me. I am capable of that. I did survive that. I went there, I did that and I kicked cancers butt!! Right now I can't imagine having it in me to survive something like that. Actually, I don't have that in me. I am a complete wimp when it comes to pain. That makes it all the more obvious that God was fighting this battle through me. He gave me just what I needed to get through each day. Should the day come where I need to fight some more . . . He's going to be there again.
The Relay for Life is coming up in two days. As I looked at all the people in the chemo clinic today I was thinking about the magnitude of this event. The money raised here goes to research. That research discovered the chemo and maintenance that I've been on. Without that . . . well, it wouldn't be good.
Thank you so much to those of you who have donated already. If you would still like to donate, the link to my web page is on the right hand side of our blog. I realize that times are tight right now and there are so many wonderful causes that need our support. Even if you can't contribute financially you can still contribute by keeping this event in your prayers.
At 6:00 on Friday night there is a victory lap. This is one of the most emotional parts of the evening. All the survivors and their families walk around the track. It is amazing to see all the purple survivor shirts. It is so encouraging to see all the people that have survived! Anyone is welcome to come check it out. If you have been thinking about being a part of the Relay I would recommend coming this year just to see what is all about. It is a very family friendly event. All the information about the event (time, location, activities) are also on my web page.
On a completely separate note, Brian is really struggling with his fatigue again. He had a few really good weeks and we saw a glimpse of the "old" Brian (well, not literally old). Just a couple days ago the fatigue returned and today he had a hard time even staying awake during my treatment. He is so tired of being tired. Please continue to keep him in your prayers.
As always - thank you.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009: Absolutely Perfect
I heard back tonight from my nurse and she said my scan and x-ray looked "absolutely perfect". There was no evidence of disease anywhere. Phew! I knew deep down that they wouldn't find anything and I haven't really been too worried about it but when I heard the good news tonight I realized I was a bit anxious about it. It was wonderful to put those fears aside.
Friends of ours brought us an "end of chemo" celebratory supper. We had the best lasagna I have ever had, cheesy garlic toast, a salad and a very yummy dessert. (Thanks Bernie & Arlene - you guys are too good to us!).
I'd better get to bed now so I'm ready to wake up the kids for their last day of school tomorrow!
Friends of ours brought us an "end of chemo" celebratory supper. We had the best lasagna I have ever had, cheesy garlic toast, a salad and a very yummy dessert. (Thanks Bernie & Arlene - you guys are too good to us!).
I'd better get to bed now so I'm ready to wake up the kids for their last day of school tomorrow!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009: Side Effects
I am sooooo glad that I am done with Taxol. The side effects have been getting worse with every round. Yesterday I was a zombie all day from the Benadryl. Today it feels like I have a bunch of mosquitoes biting at my face - kind of a prickly feeling. A friend of mine came up with a great name for it - chemosquitos!
My tongue has that scalded feeling again and food is tasting rather yucky. I'm trying not to be whiny and remember that once these go away they should stay away! There is always a chance that the side effects can become permanent but hopefully that won't happen. On a positive note my hair isn't falling out! With the last round quite a bit was falling out within a day of treatment.
I will be starting my maintenance treatments (Avastin) next week Wednesday (the 10th). I was kinda bummed that I am starting already but next week will be three weeks from my last round of Avastin. I guess the sooner I start the sooner I'm done.
The kids are pretty excited that summer break is almost here. I am too . . . except for the sibling rivalry factor :) Next week Friday is the Relay for Life (thank you to those of you who have donated so far!) and the following week Nathan and Ashley will be at Camp Geneva. What happened to the good old lazy days of summer? Yikes, that made me sound old.
I'm still assuming no news is good news with my ct scan and x-ray but I'm going to call tomorrow just to make sure. I will update tomorrow if anything bad was found on the scans.
Thanks for the prayers.
My tongue has that scalded feeling again and food is tasting rather yucky. I'm trying not to be whiny and remember that once these go away they should stay away! There is always a chance that the side effects can become permanent but hopefully that won't happen. On a positive note my hair isn't falling out! With the last round quite a bit was falling out within a day of treatment.
I will be starting my maintenance treatments (Avastin) next week Wednesday (the 10th). I was kinda bummed that I am starting already but next week will be three weeks from my last round of Avastin. I guess the sooner I start the sooner I'm done.
The kids are pretty excited that summer break is almost here. I am too . . . except for the sibling rivalry factor :) Next week Friday is the Relay for Life (thank you to those of you who have donated so far!) and the following week Nathan and Ashley will be at Camp Geneva. What happened to the good old lazy days of summer? Yikes, that made me sound old.
I'm still assuming no news is good news with my ct scan and x-ray but I'm going to call tomorrow just to make sure. I will update tomorrow if anything bad was found on the scans.
Thanks for the prayers.
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