I love movies with happy endings. If I know ahead of time that a movie has a sad ending I won't even watch it. I have enough going on in my own life that I don't need to be shedding tears over fictional characters.
We have had a lot of happy endings over here lately. Two weeks ago we were anxiously awaiting scans, surgeries and test results in our family. Our first news was to hear that Eric's surgery went well and was a success - yea! The next day my PET scan results came back "nothing of concern" - more yea! A couple days later we heard that the test results for Brian's uncle had come back great and he didn't need to go back for 2 years - yea, yea, yea! And just two days ago my grandpa had his surgery and guess what? The doctors were happy with the surgery. Can you hear the hallelujah chorus??
Despite all these happy endings I still find myself dwelling on the fact that so much pain, suffering and disease has hit our family. Once my mind starts down that path it snowballs out of control. As I was thinking about this a verse came to my mind . . .
"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
I've discovered that when I focus on that and not on my problems that life becomes much easier to bear. I've been doing better with my quiet time with God and during those times I feel like I could conquer anything. I've even gotten to the point that I was able to tell God that if the cancer comes back I will be okay because I know that He works all things for His good - for His glory. It has taken me a very long time to get to that point. Unfortunately shortly after I feel that peace life can overwhelm me and I'm filled with anxiety and fearing the worst.
I read in a book recently that when you hold a nickel up to your eye it can block out the sun. Something as little as a nickel can block out something as huge as the sun. It is because our focus is completely on the nickel. If we would look up then we would realize how small that nickel really is. If we take our eyes off our problems and look up to God and remember His power it will put things back into perspective. However, we are human and that is just not in our nature. I am trying though, really trying to keep that nickel out of my vision.
Tomorrow at 3:45 Brian and I will be meeting with Dr. Downey. He will be checking the lumps that I found in my neck. I have gone from fearing that I have lymphoma or thyroid cancer (yes, I made the mistake of looking on the internet) to deciding that it is just simply a swollen lymph node that is fighting some sort of virus.
Right now it is way past my bedtime so I am headed to bed. I will update again tomorrow night with what I am hoping will be good news.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009: Results
My PET scan came back with "nothing of concern"! I was quite surprised to hear that - surprised and extremely happy! They did say something about my lymph nodes - I can't remember exactly what she said (I was still thinking about the fact that there was nothing to be concerned about!). They said that they weren't enlarged though and they were the same size they were in 2006 so they are not concerned at this point.
I found a couple lumps under my collar bone that are concerning me. Initially it was one lump the size of a pea, now it's two lumps and they seem to be getting bigger. My doctor is going to check it out on Monday and if he feels there is any concern he will have them biopsied or removed or both. I'm just praying that they will be gone by Monday!
Eric's surgery went good on Tuesday! They were able to put the feeding tube in and they have people coming to their house to show them how to use it. I am so, so, so happy that the surgery was successful and that Lori was able to have peace during his surgery.
We are still waiting on the results for Brian's uncle - hopefully they will hear soon. My grandpa is scheduled for surgery on Friday. He will need to stay in the hospital for about a week and then recover a few weeks in a nursing home after that. This will be a big adjustment for my grandma. The hospital he is going to is in Grand Rapids and my grandma is not able to drive. I will keep everyone updated with this and would really appreciate prayers for our family.
I found a couple lumps under my collar bone that are concerning me. Initially it was one lump the size of a pea, now it's two lumps and they seem to be getting bigger. My doctor is going to check it out on Monday and if he feels there is any concern he will have them biopsied or removed or both. I'm just praying that they will be gone by Monday!
Eric's surgery went good on Tuesday! They were able to put the feeding tube in and they have people coming to their house to show them how to use it. I am so, so, so happy that the surgery was successful and that Lori was able to have peace during his surgery.
We are still waiting on the results for Brian's uncle - hopefully they will hear soon. My grandpa is scheduled for surgery on Friday. He will need to stay in the hospital for about a week and then recover a few weeks in a nursing home after that. This will be a big adjustment for my grandma. The hospital he is going to is in Grand Rapids and my grandma is not able to drive. I will keep everyone updated with this and would really appreciate prayers for our family.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009: A Week of Uncertainty
It is so quiet right now I can hear the clock ticking. The house is dark with the exception of the lights glowing on the Christmas tree. The rain that was annoying me earlier today is now quietly tapping on the windows.
We are now officially done with a long weekend that has been filled with go, go, go. It started last Wednesday with my PET scan. We've been to Thanksgiving meals with the family, a wedding shower, and a fund raiser. We also put up the Christmas tree and decorations (since we had so much extra time - not). I just came from the last Thanksgiving get-together which was in Jenison with Brian's family. Nathan and I had to leave early so we could get him to church in time for practice.
So now I sit alone in silence. The initial feeling was "aaaaaahhhhhh". Physically it is great to finally crash. Mentally though it's never a good thing to have a mind that has nothing to focus on. As I look at our calendar for next week I start to stress out. Brian's uncle will be receiving the results tomorrow from a test last week to check his carotid artery. My brother-in-law is scheduled to have a feeding tube put in on Tuesday. If my grandpa gets the "all clear" on Tuesday from his doctor he will have surgery on Friday. I will be jumping every time the phone rings wondering if it is my doctor with the results of my PET scan or a family member calling with an update.
As I started to wonder how I was going to make it through the uncertainty of this week I had a thought that comforted me. God already knows what this week will bring. He already knows the results that I will hear and knows what I will need from Him to make it through. There is no way I can survive this week on my own and yet I am sure I will try hard to take control. I will try to be super-mom and get my kids everywhere they need to be (which itself alone seems to be a full-time job!), keep the house picked up, get laundry caught up and put meals on the table. I will run from store to store trying to find the right Christmas gift at the best possible price. I will try to plan menu's and start thinking about Christmas parties. I will do whatever it is that I do that seems to take up every minute of my day. I will fall into bed exhausted at the end of the day feeling like I didn't accomplish anything. It is usually at that point that I realize in my quest to become super-woman that I didn't even stop to say a prayer. I didn't stop and just listen to what God had to say. Despite my best intentions, I will have tried to take control of something that is out of my control.
One of my favorite books is "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World". This morning I read this . . . . "When we put work before worship, we put the cart before the horse. The cart is important; so is the horse. But the horse must come first, or we end up pulling the cart ourselves." I'm tired of pulling the cart.
I am so thankful that our God is filled with such patience and grace. I have been trying to be more focused on Him and less on me. I have tried to be aware of His presence all day long. I have the best of intentions and quite often fail miserably. Every time I do though He just says "that's okay, stand up, wipe the dust off and let's try this again".
So now I'll stand up, wipe the dust off and go forward through this week. One day at a time, one thing at a time and sometimes just one minute at a time. I will survive this week and by God's grace I will do it with a smile on my face, focus in my mind and peace in my heart.
In the world of Martha and Mary's I am definitely a Martha. This week I will try my best to be Mary and choose "the better thing" . . .
"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen the better thing and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42
We are now officially done with a long weekend that has been filled with go, go, go. It started last Wednesday with my PET scan. We've been to Thanksgiving meals with the family, a wedding shower, and a fund raiser. We also put up the Christmas tree and decorations (since we had so much extra time - not). I just came from the last Thanksgiving get-together which was in Jenison with Brian's family. Nathan and I had to leave early so we could get him to church in time for practice.
So now I sit alone in silence. The initial feeling was "aaaaaahhhhhh". Physically it is great to finally crash. Mentally though it's never a good thing to have a mind that has nothing to focus on. As I look at our calendar for next week I start to stress out. Brian's uncle will be receiving the results tomorrow from a test last week to check his carotid artery. My brother-in-law is scheduled to have a feeding tube put in on Tuesday. If my grandpa gets the "all clear" on Tuesday from his doctor he will have surgery on Friday. I will be jumping every time the phone rings wondering if it is my doctor with the results of my PET scan or a family member calling with an update.
As I started to wonder how I was going to make it through the uncertainty of this week I had a thought that comforted me. God already knows what this week will bring. He already knows the results that I will hear and knows what I will need from Him to make it through. There is no way I can survive this week on my own and yet I am sure I will try hard to take control. I will try to be super-mom and get my kids everywhere they need to be (which itself alone seems to be a full-time job!), keep the house picked up, get laundry caught up and put meals on the table. I will run from store to store trying to find the right Christmas gift at the best possible price. I will try to plan menu's and start thinking about Christmas parties. I will do whatever it is that I do that seems to take up every minute of my day. I will fall into bed exhausted at the end of the day feeling like I didn't accomplish anything. It is usually at that point that I realize in my quest to become super-woman that I didn't even stop to say a prayer. I didn't stop and just listen to what God had to say. Despite my best intentions, I will have tried to take control of something that is out of my control.
One of my favorite books is "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World". This morning I read this . . . . "When we put work before worship, we put the cart before the horse. The cart is important; so is the horse. But the horse must come first, or we end up pulling the cart ourselves." I'm tired of pulling the cart.
I am so thankful that our God is filled with such patience and grace. I have been trying to be more focused on Him and less on me. I have tried to be aware of His presence all day long. I have the best of intentions and quite often fail miserably. Every time I do though He just says "that's okay, stand up, wipe the dust off and let's try this again".
So now I'll stand up, wipe the dust off and go forward through this week. One day at a time, one thing at a time and sometimes just one minute at a time. I will survive this week and by God's grace I will do it with a smile on my face, focus in my mind and peace in my heart.
In the world of Martha and Mary's I am definitely a Martha. This week I will try my best to be Mary and choose "the better thing" . . .
"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen the better thing and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009: The Test is Done, The Wait Has Begun
The pet scan went well today. I was extremely tired this morning (I wasn't able to sleep good last night). My blood sugar was at 68 because of the low carb diet. Combine low sugar with the sleepiness and I was a zombie. I was able to sleep while waiting for the sugar water to flow through my veins. They put the iv in my arm with minimal pain (yeah!). Everyone was super nice there and treated me like royalty. I think the best part was when they took the iv out of my arm and then brought a tray filled with snacks and drinks - hooray for carbs!
After eating some cheese & crackers and a granola bar I felt a lot better. I washed it down with hot chocolate - yum. I was home shortly after noon and then slept for a few hours. My stomach is upset now because of the contrast I drank but that always happens after my ct scans too. I should be back to normal by tomorrow.
I was considered to be "radioactive" until 2:00 this afternoon. That was a bit strange. I can't imagine the amount of toxins that went through my body today. The pros outweighed the cons for me having this scan. Now we wait for the results. Tick tock. It will probably be the middle of next week before we hear anything. So far I'm doing okay with it. We have a busy weekend so that will keep my mind off of it.
Tomorrow we are going to count our blessings and instead of thinking about everything we want we will be thankful for what we have.
After eating some cheese & crackers and a granola bar I felt a lot better. I washed it down with hot chocolate - yum. I was home shortly after noon and then slept for a few hours. My stomach is upset now because of the contrast I drank but that always happens after my ct scans too. I should be back to normal by tomorrow.
I was considered to be "radioactive" until 2:00 this afternoon. That was a bit strange. I can't imagine the amount of toxins that went through my body today. The pros outweighed the cons for me having this scan. Now we wait for the results. Tick tock. It will probably be the middle of next week before we hear anything. So far I'm doing okay with it. We have a busy weekend so that will keep my mind off of it.
Tomorrow we are going to count our blessings and instead of thinking about everything we want we will be thankful for what we have.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009: I Want My Carbs Back!
To prepare for the PET scan tomorrow I had to follow a very low carb diet today. I didn't realize how much I love my carbs! I will not be able to eat anything when I wake up in the morning but the scan is so early (7:40) that my stomach won't even be awake yet :)
From what I understand, I need to arrive at 7:30 and 7:40 is the scan. They will inject a glucose something or other (I think I saw the word radioactive - yikes!). I need to sit still for 90 minutes after that. I will have a private room with a tv and dvd player during that time. The actual scan may take between 30-60 minutes.
Right now I'm not too nervous. I probably won't have any results until the end of next week. I need to get up at 6:00 AM tomorrow (if anyone reading this is an early riser say a prayer then that I will actually be able to get out of bed at that time!). I know, I'm spoiled. I'm sure there are a lot of people that get up that early or earlier every day.
I'm off to bed now. If I want to be able to function tomorrow morning I'll need all the sleep I can get!
From what I understand, I need to arrive at 7:30 and 7:40 is the scan. They will inject a glucose something or other (I think I saw the word radioactive - yikes!). I need to sit still for 90 minutes after that. I will have a private room with a tv and dvd player during that time. The actual scan may take between 30-60 minutes.
Right now I'm not too nervous. I probably won't have any results until the end of next week. I need to get up at 6:00 AM tomorrow (if anyone reading this is an early riser say a prayer then that I will actually be able to get out of bed at that time!). I know, I'm spoiled. I'm sure there are a lot of people that get up that early or earlier every day.
I'm off to bed now. If I want to be able to function tomorrow morning I'll need all the sleep I can get!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009: Family
My PET scan has been scheduled for next Wednesday already. I'm glad to get it done so soon but at the same time I'm nervous and not looking forward to another round of the waiting game. My nurse said it takes at least 5 days to get results plus we'll have the holiday weekend so it will be a while before we hear anything.
I mentioned in an earlier post that my grandpa was diagnosed with colon cancer. He had a ct scan this week and the cancer appears to be confined in his colon and has not spread. They believe it was caught early and he will be meeting with a specialist soon.
I think a lot of people reading our blog also read my sister and brother-in-laws blog as well. If you haven't, there is a link on the right side of our blog. Eric's ALS is progressing and they are facing some tough decisions. Their faith continues to grow through all this which can only be by the grace of God.
There is also a link to my brother and sister-in-law's blog on the right side of our blog (Kevin & Stephanie). They are adopting an adorable little girl from Columbia and hope to be able to go get her by the end of January. They are having a fund raiser next week Saturday at the Urban Mill Cafe in Grand Rapids to help with all the adoption fees. They will have autographed children's books and posters from many authors to auction off. You can get some Christmas shopping done and help support their family at the same time :) There is more information about the fundraiser on their blog - just scroll down to the 11/5 & 11/13 post.
Please say an extra prayer for Brian. He is extremely tired again. He had recovered from his flu bug and seemed to be doing pretty good but today he was hit with a headache and major fatigue. He sleeps a lot and still doesn't feel rested. It is so frustrating for him.
Life is hard, in fact some days it is harder than I ever imagined it could ever be, but God is good.
I mentioned in an earlier post that my grandpa was diagnosed with colon cancer. He had a ct scan this week and the cancer appears to be confined in his colon and has not spread. They believe it was caught early and he will be meeting with a specialist soon.
I think a lot of people reading our blog also read my sister and brother-in-laws blog as well. If you haven't, there is a link on the right side of our blog. Eric's ALS is progressing and they are facing some tough decisions. Their faith continues to grow through all this which can only be by the grace of God.
There is also a link to my brother and sister-in-law's blog on the right side of our blog (Kevin & Stephanie). They are adopting an adorable little girl from Columbia and hope to be able to go get her by the end of January. They are having a fund raiser next week Saturday at the Urban Mill Cafe in Grand Rapids to help with all the adoption fees. They will have autographed children's books and posters from many authors to auction off. You can get some Christmas shopping done and help support their family at the same time :) There is more information about the fundraiser on their blog - just scroll down to the 11/5 & 11/13 post.
Please say an extra prayer for Brian. He is extremely tired again. He had recovered from his flu bug and seemed to be doing pretty good but today he was hit with a headache and major fatigue. He sleeps a lot and still doesn't feel rested. It is so frustrating for him.
Life is hard, in fact some days it is harder than I ever imagined it could ever be, but God is good.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009: My Weakness, His Strength
Last week after hearing that my number had gone up I read a devotional that made me want to scream "noooooooooooo". I showed it to Brian and told him that I didn't want this. Here is how the devotional began . . .
"Why won't God heal me?" Doesn't he love me?" Perhaps you've asked similar questions. Maybe you've been frustrated because God didn't answer a prayer the way you had hoped. Could it be that he is using those very difficulties to keep you dependent on him? Like placing sparkling diamonds on black velvet, our human weakness provides a contrasting backdrop against which God's power can be displayed.
When I was first diagnosed I was excited. I wasn't excited about having cancer but I was excited about the things God was going to do through me. I didn't know what was going to happen but I did know that He was going to use me to show His power.
Last week before I had the results for my new CA125 I heard God telling me "it's time to shine again". I pretended not to hear it. The thought wouldn't go away so I started to process it. Time to shine again? No, I'm done - it's someone else's turn. I don't want to shine, can't I be dark for a while? It's almost been three years - can't I just be done already?
The more I whined the worse I felt. I started thinking back about my willingness years ago to be used by Him and what a privilege it was that He would use me to show His power. Where did that passion go? It has been a long bumpy road but God has always provided for our needs.
The devotional went on to talk about Paul and the thorn in his flesh. Paul asked three times for God to remove his thorn and three times God said no. It wasn't because God didn't love him. He wanted Paul to be dependent on His strength.
Our "thorns" can make us feel weak and useless. They can cause us to become focused on ourselves and wallow in self pity(I've had more pity parties than I can count!). The devotional suggested another way to look our struggles. We can allow it to keep us on our knees - praying for strength. We can learn from our struggles and then use that knowledge to help others. We can let His strength shine through our weakness.
If God wants me to shine then I will but I'm going to fight and kick cancer's butt while I'm shining. My doctors office is finishing up the paperwork and will be scheduling my PET scan soon. I will have my CA125 checked again in three weeks and will meet with them after we have some test results. Who knows, my number could even go down next time. You just never know.
"Why won't God heal me?" Doesn't he love me?" Perhaps you've asked similar questions. Maybe you've been frustrated because God didn't answer a prayer the way you had hoped. Could it be that he is using those very difficulties to keep you dependent on him? Like placing sparkling diamonds on black velvet, our human weakness provides a contrasting backdrop against which God's power can be displayed.
When I was first diagnosed I was excited. I wasn't excited about having cancer but I was excited about the things God was going to do through me. I didn't know what was going to happen but I did know that He was going to use me to show His power.
Last week before I had the results for my new CA125 I heard God telling me "it's time to shine again". I pretended not to hear it. The thought wouldn't go away so I started to process it. Time to shine again? No, I'm done - it's someone else's turn. I don't want to shine, can't I be dark for a while? It's almost been three years - can't I just be done already?
The more I whined the worse I felt. I started thinking back about my willingness years ago to be used by Him and what a privilege it was that He would use me to show His power. Where did that passion go? It has been a long bumpy road but God has always provided for our needs.
The devotional went on to talk about Paul and the thorn in his flesh. Paul asked three times for God to remove his thorn and three times God said no. It wasn't because God didn't love him. He wanted Paul to be dependent on His strength.
Our "thorns" can make us feel weak and useless. They can cause us to become focused on ourselves and wallow in self pity(I've had more pity parties than I can count!). The devotional suggested another way to look our struggles. We can allow it to keep us on our knees - praying for strength. We can learn from our struggles and then use that knowledge to help others. We can let His strength shine through our weakness.
If God wants me to shine then I will but I'm going to fight and kick cancer's butt while I'm shining. My doctors office is finishing up the paperwork and will be scheduling my PET scan soon. I will have my CA125 checked again in three weeks and will meet with them after we have some test results. Who knows, my number could even go down next time. You just never know.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009: The Joy is in the Waiting?
Today I have been waiting. Waiting for that phone call. I've had a couple calls today but not "the" phone call. I've had a call that was a prerecorded voice from a solicitor. How do they get our unlisted number??? I've also had a call from my mom. She was at the hospital with my grandparents. They just found out that my grandpa has colon cancer.
So now we wait for yet another phone call. The call with his surgery date. Then will be the next call . . . the call with the results. Wait, wait, wait. I was having a chat with God while I was in the shower this morning. Why? Why, why, why?! I could hear "be still and know that I am God". Yes, I'm being still and I know that you are God. I heard it again "be still and know that I am God". Yes God, I hear you, I know you are God and I am being still. I just kept hearing it over and over. Then it hit me. My mind wasn't being still. It was racing everywhere. It was thinking of my grandparents, thinking of my sister and brother-in-law, thinking about the phone call I am waiting for.
I turned on the radio shortly after that. The song "My Last Amen" was playing. I love that song - I love the rhythm, the singing and the piano. Today I heard the words. Near the end of the song are the words . . . .
And while the thrills are fading
The joy is in the waiting
Somewhere in the grand design
It's good to be unsatisfied
It keeps the faith and hope
a little more alive.
The joy is in the waiting? Say what? I don't think I've ever thought of being joyful during the waiting. It does make sense though. By waiting and not knowing, we are forced to rely on our faith. To rely on something other than ourselves. It does keep our faith and hope a little more alive.
That is what I am trying to focus on now while I wait. And I am trying to be still - physically and mentally. Not an easy task.
I wrote this post early this afternoon and planned on posting it after I got the call from my doctor. The call just came . . . I'm not surprised, just disappointed. My number went up to 76. Now what? Well, tomorrow I will call and schedule an appointment to meet with Dr. Downey. We will talk about where to go from here and also pursue the PET scan. Ready or not, here we go . . . . again.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". Jeremiah 29:11
So now we wait for yet another phone call. The call with his surgery date. Then will be the next call . . . the call with the results. Wait, wait, wait. I was having a chat with God while I was in the shower this morning. Why? Why, why, why?! I could hear "be still and know that I am God". Yes, I'm being still and I know that you are God. I heard it again "be still and know that I am God". Yes God, I hear you, I know you are God and I am being still. I just kept hearing it over and over. Then it hit me. My mind wasn't being still. It was racing everywhere. It was thinking of my grandparents, thinking of my sister and brother-in-law, thinking about the phone call I am waiting for.
I turned on the radio shortly after that. The song "My Last Amen" was playing. I love that song - I love the rhythm, the singing and the piano. Today I heard the words. Near the end of the song are the words . . . .
And while the thrills are fading
The joy is in the waiting
Somewhere in the grand design
It's good to be unsatisfied
It keeps the faith and hope
a little more alive.
The joy is in the waiting? Say what? I don't think I've ever thought of being joyful during the waiting. It does make sense though. By waiting and not knowing, we are forced to rely on our faith. To rely on something other than ourselves. It does keep our faith and hope a little more alive.
That is what I am trying to focus on now while I wait. And I am trying to be still - physically and mentally. Not an easy task.
I wrote this post early this afternoon and planned on posting it after I got the call from my doctor. The call just came . . . I'm not surprised, just disappointed. My number went up to 76. Now what? Well, tomorrow I will call and schedule an appointment to meet with Dr. Downey. We will talk about where to go from here and also pursue the PET scan. Ready or not, here we go . . . . again.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". Jeremiah 29:11
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009: Tick Tock
With all the waiting we have done over the past couple years you think we would get used to it. I think I've gotten a little better at it but that doesn't mean I like it. I went in this morning to have my CA125 tested. I can't believe it has been a month already!
I have been doing a pretty good job at not thinking about the results. So much can change with one little phone call. One little number. Or at least I hope it's little :)
The odds are stacked against it going down or at least staying where it is. In fact it is highly unlikely that it will be the same or lower. Over the years I have learned to be "optimistically realistic". I know God can do anything, however, I don't know what His plan is for me. I usually plan on the number going up because then if it goes down it will be a major bonus. If the number goes up I have already mentally prepared for it.
My thoughts have wandered to the possibilities . . . what if it jumps big time - do I need chemo again? or pursue the pet scan? Or maybe it just jumps a little . . . we wait a few more weeks and check again. I haven't let myself even consider it going down. Should it go down though . . . dare I say to a single digit . . . my screaming will be heard cities away :)
So now we wait. And pray. Lots of praying. Lots of redirecting of my thoughts.
On a positive note - Brian is finally getting better!!! Yea! It has been a very long week for him. He was knocked down hard, absolutely miserable and exhausted. Yesterday he finally started to look somewhat better. Today he was able to work for about 1/2 day. His boss put yellow "caution" tape across his office - I thought that was very funny - and a good idea. He kept to himself mostly and did his conversations by phone. He looks much better tonight. It was a rough week but we're very thankful that no one else caught it.
I will update tomorrow when I hear from my nurse with the new number.
I have been doing a pretty good job at not thinking about the results. So much can change with one little phone call. One little number. Or at least I hope it's little :)
The odds are stacked against it going down or at least staying where it is. In fact it is highly unlikely that it will be the same or lower. Over the years I have learned to be "optimistically realistic". I know God can do anything, however, I don't know what His plan is for me. I usually plan on the number going up because then if it goes down it will be a major bonus. If the number goes up I have already mentally prepared for it.
My thoughts have wandered to the possibilities . . . what if it jumps big time - do I need chemo again? or pursue the pet scan? Or maybe it just jumps a little . . . we wait a few more weeks and check again. I haven't let myself even consider it going down. Should it go down though . . . dare I say to a single digit . . . my screaming will be heard cities away :)
So now we wait. And pray. Lots of praying. Lots of redirecting of my thoughts.
On a positive note - Brian is finally getting better!!! Yea! It has been a very long week for him. He was knocked down hard, absolutely miserable and exhausted. Yesterday he finally started to look somewhat better. Today he was able to work for about 1/2 day. His boss put yellow "caution" tape across his office - I thought that was very funny - and a good idea. He kept to himself mostly and did his conversations by phone. He looks much better tonight. It was a rough week but we're very thankful that no one else caught it.
I will update tomorrow when I hear from my nurse with the new number.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009: We've Been Hit
The flu bug got Brian,
It caught him off guard.
It hit him fast
And it hit him hard.
He has aches and pains
From his head to his toe.
They don’t get better
but continue to grow.
He’s confined to his room,
Keep those germs away!
I’m doing my best
To keep it at bay.
Please pray that it leaves
As fast as it came.
This bug needs to go –
I’m not playing his game!
It caught him off guard.
It hit him fast
And it hit him hard.
He has aches and pains
From his head to his toe.
They don’t get better
but continue to grow.
He’s confined to his room,
Keep those germs away!
I’m doing my best
To keep it at bay.
Please pray that it leaves
As fast as it came.
This bug needs to go –
I’m not playing his game!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009: Can You Hear Me?
God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few. Ecclesiastes 5:2
Eight days ago I started to lose my voice. I can still remember joking with my friend saying “I think God is trying to tell me that I need to listen more”. At that point I had no idea how true those words were.
A couple of days later my van started having issues and by Friday it was in the shop. No voice and no transportation. Talk about feeling isolated!
I have heard God prompting me to slow down and focus on listening for Him for quite a while now. Sadly enough it took losing my voice and my van to make me stop and listen. I spent all of Friday working on things around the house while having a conversation in my head with God. Instead of telling Him everything I thought He needed to be aware of (like there is anything I could tell Him that He didn’t already know!) I began listening. I heard a lot that day.
By that night I felt so focused and in tune with God. My goal is to be aware of His presence 24/7. I know this isn’t an attainable goal but it is definitely something worth aiming for. When I’m in tune with Him my hard times aren’t as near as hard and my good times are multiplied. I am much more at peace.
I feel like I have been just going through the motions for quite a while now. About 2 weeks ago I started a new medication for depression and I have felt the fog lifting. I feel a renewed passion to share my story again. I didn’t battle cancer just to sweep it under the rug and go back to “normal life”. I don’t know if I’m supposed to speak or write or what but I need to share my story. God is making that clear to me.
There is a time for everything . . . a time to be silent and a time to speak. Ecclesiastes 3:1; 7
I received a letter yesterday from our insurance saying that they have approved my PET scan! I had honestly forgotten about that. I had talked to Brian a while back and said that if coverage was denied that would just be a sign to me that the door had been closed. I wasn’t planning on an open door here! I go in next week Wednesday to have my CA125 checked again. It will already have been a month then! This time has flown by. Depending on what that number is I may or may not pursue the PET scan. I know God will lead us to the right decision at the right time.
Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Isaiah 30:21
The support that everyone continues to show us never ceases to amaze me. We are about to reach 160,000 hits on the blog and this is the 500th post.. Wow. What a long journey this has been. And yet this journey is not over . . . in some ways it has just begun.
Eight days ago I started to lose my voice. I can still remember joking with my friend saying “I think God is trying to tell me that I need to listen more”. At that point I had no idea how true those words were.
A couple of days later my van started having issues and by Friday it was in the shop. No voice and no transportation. Talk about feeling isolated!
I have heard God prompting me to slow down and focus on listening for Him for quite a while now. Sadly enough it took losing my voice and my van to make me stop and listen. I spent all of Friday working on things around the house while having a conversation in my head with God. Instead of telling Him everything I thought He needed to be aware of (like there is anything I could tell Him that He didn’t already know!) I began listening. I heard a lot that day.
By that night I felt so focused and in tune with God. My goal is to be aware of His presence 24/7. I know this isn’t an attainable goal but it is definitely something worth aiming for. When I’m in tune with Him my hard times aren’t as near as hard and my good times are multiplied. I am much more at peace.
I feel like I have been just going through the motions for quite a while now. About 2 weeks ago I started a new medication for depression and I have felt the fog lifting. I feel a renewed passion to share my story again. I didn’t battle cancer just to sweep it under the rug and go back to “normal life”. I don’t know if I’m supposed to speak or write or what but I need to share my story. God is making that clear to me.
There is a time for everything . . . a time to be silent and a time to speak. Ecclesiastes 3:1; 7
I received a letter yesterday from our insurance saying that they have approved my PET scan! I had honestly forgotten about that. I had talked to Brian a while back and said that if coverage was denied that would just be a sign to me that the door had been closed. I wasn’t planning on an open door here! I go in next week Wednesday to have my CA125 checked again. It will already have been a month then! This time has flown by. Depending on what that number is I may or may not pursue the PET scan. I know God will lead us to the right decision at the right time.
Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Isaiah 30:21
The support that everyone continues to show us never ceases to amaze me. We are about to reach 160,000 hits on the blog and this is the 500th post.. Wow. What a long journey this has been. And yet this journey is not over . . . in some ways it has just begun.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009: A Couple Things
We like to share the love and the germs in this family. For the past couple weeks we have all took a turn getting sick - mostly with stuffy nose, coughing, headaches, just general yuck. Now that I've taken care of everyone else it's my turn to get sick. I'm feeling okay today but I have lost my voice. I don't think I've ever had this before. Very strange. With all the yuck that is out there right now I am thankful that we just seem to have a minor bug.
We are still enjoying the fact that I'm no longer on chemo and that my number is so low. I do think about the "what if's" once in a while. I've been on top of the world, feeling completely healed one minute and the next I'm thinking about all the different cancers I am now higher risk for. I have been able to stop that stinkin' thinkin' though. No point in dwelling on the unknown - doesn't do me any good.
I'm sure you've noticed the Godscapes on the right hand of the blog. We weren't really going to advertise it here in writing, however, my van decided tonight was a good time to die. Brian is taking it in tomorrow and is pretty sure it's the transmission. Since this will probably cost us a pretty penny I thought it wouldn't hurt to promote the store on here to earn some extra income :)
Financial issues aside though, Brian has done an amazing job with this. We've missed him the past few weeks because he has been working on this Godscapes calendar. All that time he invested was worth it when I saw the calendar. It is so beautiful! He has taken some of his favorite pictures he has taken over the years (Colorado, Pictured Rocks, etc.), added bible verses to them and made this beautiful calendar. He has also put together some Shine Gear. He took the logo from our orange shine shirts and it is on almost anything you can imagine. Shirts, hats, coffee cups, greeting cards, and bags. I ordered the water bottle and I love it.
There are some great Christmas gift ideas. Not only can you get a very cool gift, you are also helping support our family. Okay, now I'm starting to sound a bit like an infomercial.
Thank you for all your support. We had 40 comments on the post about my CA125 number. That is so cool. I kept checking the blog every so often that day and just watched the number go up and up. There are so many of you out there and you've stuck with us through some major ups and downs. I can't tell you how much we appreciate your prayers, emails, comments and support.
Click on the calendar to check it out...
We are still enjoying the fact that I'm no longer on chemo and that my number is so low. I do think about the "what if's" once in a while. I've been on top of the world, feeling completely healed one minute and the next I'm thinking about all the different cancers I am now higher risk for. I have been able to stop that stinkin' thinkin' though. No point in dwelling on the unknown - doesn't do me any good.
I'm sure you've noticed the Godscapes on the right hand of the blog. We weren't really going to advertise it here in writing, however, my van decided tonight was a good time to die. Brian is taking it in tomorrow and is pretty sure it's the transmission. Since this will probably cost us a pretty penny I thought it wouldn't hurt to promote the store on here to earn some extra income :)
Financial issues aside though, Brian has done an amazing job with this. We've missed him the past few weeks because he has been working on this Godscapes calendar. All that time he invested was worth it when I saw the calendar. It is so beautiful! He has taken some of his favorite pictures he has taken over the years (Colorado, Pictured Rocks, etc.), added bible verses to them and made this beautiful calendar. He has also put together some Shine Gear. He took the logo from our orange shine shirts and it is on almost anything you can imagine. Shirts, hats, coffee cups, greeting cards, and bags. I ordered the water bottle and I love it.
There are some great Christmas gift ideas. Not only can you get a very cool gift, you are also helping support our family. Okay, now I'm starting to sound a bit like an infomercial.
Thank you for all your support. We had 40 comments on the post about my CA125 number. That is so cool. I kept checking the blog every so often that day and just watched the number go up and up. There are so many of you out there and you've stuck with us through some major ups and downs. I can't tell you how much we appreciate your prayers, emails, comments and support.
Click on the calendar to check it out...
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009: I Miss You
When our oldest daughter was born I spent every waking moment with her. When she was young she was very shy and would prefer to hang out with me rather than be with little kids. That was fine with me - we were best friends.
As she got older she gradually came out of her shell. She began making friends and wanted to play with them. It was hard at first letting her go places without me but when I would hear about how much fun she had it made the transition a little bit easier.
Now that she is 12 she is this social butterfly. She loves hanging out with friends, going to church activities, pretty much anything that involves being away from home. I am having a really hard time accepting this. Where did my shy little girl go? The one who wanted to be with me? Be my best friend?
It's not that she hates being home or spending time with us, it's just more fun for her to be with her friends. I don't understand this, okay, I understand it but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I miss my little girl.
This morning I was thinking about her. About what a social, loving, responsible young lady she has become. I'm not sure when it happened - I've been here all along yet somehow she changed right before my eyes. I was thinking about how much I miss her when I heard a voice inside my head saying "I miss you too".
When I was sick there wasn't much I could do but I always could pray. I became very close to God during that time. Now that I'm "normal" again I am busy with life. Busy being a taxi cab driver, cleaning lady, referee, nurse, psychologist and social activities director. They are all necessary things but they shouldn't be my priority.
I am sad that I have pulled away from God but am happy that He is still there waiting for me to come back. When I think of how much I miss my daughter and love her I become overwhelmed with the thought that God loves me even more. He is the creator of the universe and yet He misses me. Wow. I’ll end with a verse of a song that is running through my head right now.
Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
As she got older she gradually came out of her shell. She began making friends and wanted to play with them. It was hard at first letting her go places without me but when I would hear about how much fun she had it made the transition a little bit easier.
Now that she is 12 she is this social butterfly. She loves hanging out with friends, going to church activities, pretty much anything that involves being away from home. I am having a really hard time accepting this. Where did my shy little girl go? The one who wanted to be with me? Be my best friend?
It's not that she hates being home or spending time with us, it's just more fun for her to be with her friends. I don't understand this, okay, I understand it but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I miss my little girl.
This morning I was thinking about her. About what a social, loving, responsible young lady she has become. I'm not sure when it happened - I've been here all along yet somehow she changed right before my eyes. I was thinking about how much I miss her when I heard a voice inside my head saying "I miss you too".
When I was sick there wasn't much I could do but I always could pray. I became very close to God during that time. Now that I'm "normal" again I am busy with life. Busy being a taxi cab driver, cleaning lady, referee, nurse, psychologist and social activities director. They are all necessary things but they shouldn't be my priority.
I am sad that I have pulled away from God but am happy that He is still there waiting for me to come back. When I think of how much I miss my daughter and love her I become overwhelmed with the thought that God loves me even more. He is the creator of the universe and yet He misses me. Wow. I’ll end with a verse of a song that is running through my head right now.
Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
Friday, October 23, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009: Letting Go
We have a cold making its way through our house this week. I came down with a headache and sore throat yesterday and had a few swollen glands in my neck. I also have what feels like a pulled muscle that goes from my ear down to my shoulder. It is also near where my chest port is.
I called my nurse and she said to take motrin and if it doesn't go away in a week to give them a call. I decided to do a little research on my own through google. Yes, I know, bad idea. My mind had convinced me that I had lymphoma. I freaked out. Many different scenario's went through my head and none of them were good.
When I went to bed that night I grabbed my daily devotional book. All the devotions are dated and I typically read the one for the day. That night the book flipped open to September 22 and the devotional brought me peace . . . .
Trust me and refuse to worry, for I am your Strength and Song. You are feeling wobbly this morning, looking at difficult times looming ahead, measuring them against your own strength. However, they are not today's tasks - or even tomorrow's. So leave them in the future and come home to the present, where you will find Me waiting for you. Since I am your Strength, I can empower you to handle each task as it comes.
I am trying so hard to leave tomorrow's problems in the future but it is so difficult. I have to make myself "let go" of my problems on a daily basis - multiple times during the day. I let go of my worries and ask God to take them from me but five minutes later I've taken it back and am trying to battle it on my own. I spend time researching symptoms when I should be reading the bible for answers.
Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. Matthew 6:34 The Message
I've been praying and praying one of my favorite phrases "let go and let God". I figured it wouldn't hurt to call in for reinforcements. Prayer warriors - start your engines :)
I called my nurse and she said to take motrin and if it doesn't go away in a week to give them a call. I decided to do a little research on my own through google. Yes, I know, bad idea. My mind had convinced me that I had lymphoma. I freaked out. Many different scenario's went through my head and none of them were good.
When I went to bed that night I grabbed my daily devotional book. All the devotions are dated and I typically read the one for the day. That night the book flipped open to September 22 and the devotional brought me peace . . . .
Trust me and refuse to worry, for I am your Strength and Song. You are feeling wobbly this morning, looking at difficult times looming ahead, measuring them against your own strength. However, they are not today's tasks - or even tomorrow's. So leave them in the future and come home to the present, where you will find Me waiting for you. Since I am your Strength, I can empower you to handle each task as it comes.
I am trying so hard to leave tomorrow's problems in the future but it is so difficult. I have to make myself "let go" of my problems on a daily basis - multiple times during the day. I let go of my worries and ask God to take them from me but five minutes later I've taken it back and am trying to battle it on my own. I spend time researching symptoms when I should be reading the bible for answers.
Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. Matthew 6:34 The Message
I've been praying and praying one of my favorite phrases "let go and let God". I figured it wouldn't hurt to call in for reinforcements. Prayer warriors - start your engines :)
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009: Courage to Shine Gear
I've been having some fun making Kristi's Courage to Shine shirt into some other stuff. I added some products to our on line store...check it out by clicking on the shirt:
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009: Floating On A Cloud
I feel like I am floating around. I am speechless and in awe. I have tears streaming down my face. Finally though, I am crying tears of joy.
I went in yesterday to have my CA125 checked. My nurse just called me with the results. Are you sitting? You may want to because your feet will feel like they have left the ground. My new number is 25. In the words of my nurse "yup, you heard me - 25".
This morning after the kids had been picked up for school and Emily was still sleeping I had some quiet time to myself. During that time I gave cancer to God. I told Him I was tired of trying to plan my life around it, tired of the anxiety that came with it, just plain tired. I have been focusing so much on my cancer that I haven't been nearly enough focused on my family and my God. I truly did let it go this morning. I honestly wasn't sure what my new results would be but I trusted that God had it under control and would give me what I needed to continue on this journey.
This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14
Wooooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I went in yesterday to have my CA125 checked. My nurse just called me with the results. Are you sitting? You may want to because your feet will feel like they have left the ground. My new number is 25. In the words of my nurse "yup, you heard me - 25".
This morning after the kids had been picked up for school and Emily was still sleeping I had some quiet time to myself. During that time I gave cancer to God. I told Him I was tired of trying to plan my life around it, tired of the anxiety that came with it, just plain tired. I have been focusing so much on my cancer that I haven't been nearly enough focused on my family and my God. I truly did let it go this morning. I honestly wasn't sure what my new results would be but I trusted that God had it under control and would give me what I needed to continue on this journey.
This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14
Wooooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009: State of Denial
Usually when I am asked what state I live in I say Michigan. The past few weeks, however, I have been living in the state of denial. I like this state - it's very peaceful. It has been two and a half weeks since our last appointment with my doctor. At this appointment we asked about having a PET scan and they were going to try to get my insurance to approve it. I figured we would have an answer by now but I found out at the end of last week that they had just mailed the "letter of medical necessity" to the insurance company. I was initially bummed. All this time waiting and we are just getting over the first hurdle? I emailed Brian and his reply was "yeah! . . . . right?" He was right. This means we have at least another week or two to enjoy our visit in "denial". We're not really denying that cancer exists - we just know that everything is out of our hands right now and all we can do is wait. Now if we were waiting for the results of a PET scan that would be a different story. But, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
So for now I am enjoying this reprieve from "it". I love not having to schedule my life around the chemo treatments. I am really enjoying feeling healthy again and not being miserable from the side effects of chemo. I am also very peaceful with our decision to put chemo on hold and take a step back. A very wise friend of mine often says "I don't know what my future holds but I know Who holds my future".
Brian took advantage of the little bit of sunshine that we had today and took the kids pictures . . .
Ashley - 6th grade - 12 years old
Nathan - 3rd grade - 9 years old
Emily - kindergarten - 5 years old
I know I'm biased but aren't they just the cutest kids ever?? :)
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009: Relaxed
Kristi and I went on our annual camping trip with just the two of us. We went to Fort Custer State Park and had a very relaxing time. Kristi finds a home for the kids and we do this every October with just the two of us (well, and the dogs). No phones, no reservations, no internet, no kids and NO STRESS!!! Even if it rains all weekend (like it did) - WE DON'T CARE!! It is always the best weekend of the year. We simply bring books, magazines, movies, the dogs, and lots and lots of junk food. All we do all weekend is hang out in the camper. It is soooooo relaxing. Here are a couple pictures from this weekend:
It was such a great time. Can't wait til next year!
Unfortunately, now we have to return to reality. Tomorrow Kristi will start following up to find out when her PET scan will be. When she gets her PET scan done she will also get her CA125 level checked. Ahh, the weekend was so nice not having to worry about all those details. Well, until next time - have a great week!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009: Developing Hinds' Feet
Brian and I met with our oncologist this morning and he agreed with our decision to put chemo on hold. I am waiting to hear from the insurance company if a PET scan would be covered and if it is, that will be our next step.
Dr. Downey shared the results of a recent clinical study with us this morning. This study followed 500 women who were in remission from ovarian cancer. Their CA125 results were monitored and when their "normal" had doubled (75), only half of the women and their doctors were told. Of the half that were told, most of them started back on treatment; the half that wasn't told the results of their CA125 did nothing. The end result showed that it didn't really seem to make a difference in the outcome whether they did the chemo or not. Basically the women who did the chemo had to deal with all the yuck that comes with it.
What they took from this study was that if there isn't any evidence of cancer (other than a rising CA125) quality of life is much better without the chemo. If other evidence is found (such as tumors) then it is another story. Right now I have no other evidence other than my CA125.
Dr. Downey also told us that he doesn't believe that I will ever be cured of my cancer - it will never go away. In fact his words were "I think you know by now that your cancer will never go away". At least those are the words I remember. Sadly enough those words didn't surprise me. Even though he doesn't think that this cancer is curable, he does think it is treatable. The question is what is the treatment going to be? And when do we start it?
I am reading the book Hinds Feet on High Places (for the 2nd or 3rd time) now and it is almost like I am reading about my life. The main character's name is Much-Afraid and the book is about her journey away from The Valley of Humiliation which is filled with her Family of Fearings - Craven Fear, Gloomy, Spiteful, Coward, Pride and Bitterness . . . just to name a few). On her way to the High Places she learns how to develop Hinds Feet so she can go to the High Places.
Right now in the book Much-Afraid has just come to a mountain. It is so steep and dangerous that she can't imagine climbing it. Her guides (Sorrow and Suffering) urge her to call to the Chief Shepherd and she is afraid to because she knows that he will tell her that this is the path she must take. She does call out to him and this is what I read this morning . . . .
"Much-Afraid," said the Shepherd again, "tell Me, what is the matter. Why were you so fearful?"
"It is the way You have chosen for me to go," she whispered. It looks so dreadful, Shepherd, so impossible. I turn giddy and faint whenever I look at it. The roes and hinds can go there, but they are not limping, crippled, or cowardly like me."
"But, Much-Afraid, what did I promise you int he Valley of Humiliation" asked the Shepherd with a smile.
"Oh, Shepherd, You said You would make my feet like hinds' feet and set me upon mine High Places."
"Well," he answered cheerily, "the only way to develop hinds' feet is to go by the paths which the hinds use - like this one."
Much-Afraid trembled and looked at Him shamefacedly. "I don't think - I want - hinds' feet, if it means I have to go on a path like that," she said slowly and painfully.
The Shepherd was a very surprising person. Instead of looking either disappointed or disapproving, He actually laughed again. "Oh, yes you do," He said cheerfully. "I know you better than you know yourself, Much-Afraid. You want it very much indeed, and I promised you these hinds' feet. Indeed, I have brought you on purpose to this back side of the desert, where the mountains are particularly steep and where there are no paths but the tracks of the deer and of the mountain goats for you to follow, that the promise may be fulfilled. What did I say to you the last time that we met?"
"You said, 'Now shalt thou see what I will do'," she answered, and then, looking at Him reproachfully, added, "But I never dreamed You would do anything like this! Lead me to an impassable precipice up which nothing can go but deer and goats, when I'm no more like a deer or goat than is a jellyfish. It's too - it's too -" she fumbled for words, and then burst out laughing. "Why, it's preposterously absurd! It's crazy! Whatever will You do next?"
The Shepherd laughed too. "I love doing preposterous things," He replied. "Why, I don't know anything more exhilarating and delightful than turning weakness into strength, and fear into faith, and that which has been marred into perfection. If there is one more than another which I should enjoy doing at this moment it is turning a jellyfish into a mountain goat. That is My special work".
I could type on and on because I love this book. As you can see, the style of writing is a bit unique and I'm sure it isn't for everyone. The first time I read it I was struggling with depression and it helped me so much. Right now I am struggling with cancer and the whys that come along with it.
A sentence from the book I read a couple days ago was this "This further delay is not unto death, but for the glory of God; that the Son of God may be glorified." One of my biggest struggles with cancer is the why? What purpose can this possibly serve? This sentence helps me understand. It's for God's glory - everything we do is for His glory.
On the blog I am very open and honest. In person though I tend to be quite guarded. I was planning on attending a bible study this year and last night I chickened out. I was going to meet the ladies in this group and just couldn't do it. I had been looking forward to it for weeks and then yesterday afternoon reality set in. I was going to let these women into my life, my mind and my heart. My walls went up and I went down into the pit. I just wanted to be home and left alone. A great friend of mine is in this group and she reached her hand down into the pit where I was. She gently told me that Satan doesn't want me in this bible study. She didn't try to grab me by the arm and pull me from that pit but said she was going to pray for me and left her hand quietly extended there for me when I am ready to take it.
I know God wants me in this bible study and Satan doesn't. I hate how easily I let those negative thoughts or stinkin' thinkin' take over my mind. Please pray that I would be willing to let my guard down and my heart to be reached and that I would recognize the negative thoughts for what they are - useless.
Brian and I are going on our annual fall camping weekend soon - just the two of us! Oh wait, just the two of us plus two dogs :) This is our favorite weekend of the year. It's not that we don't love our children but it is just so wonderful to get away from the world, away from reality and just be together. We watch movies, read books, eat and sleep. And this year we will also get many slobbery kisses from our four legged children. There is nothing like a pet for unconditional love!
We are not going to check my CA125 or have any scans done until after this weekend. I don't want anything going through my mind when we get away. Early in October I will begin having the tests done and then we will meet with my doctor again in November and go from there.
God put it on my heart to take a break from chemo and seek Him. I've taken a break from chemo but I'll be honest - I haven't sought Him. I've kept myself busy with cleaning and running kids here and there, a couple pity parties and anything else that would prevent me from spending that quiet time with Him. Honestly, I think I am afraid just like the character in the book. I'm afraid of what His plans for me are and what He believes I am capable of.
I do believe I have just typed our longest update ever! It feels so good knowing that I am able to share my true feelings - not so much in person but at least through our blog. Some day I will be as open in person as well and let my guard down. I wrote a poem a few years ago about this -
The walls I’ve built around me are up so very high.
I try to hide behind them so no one sees me cry.
Before the tears are on my cheeks they’re way down in my heart.
The loneliness is overwhelming and it’s tearing me apart.
I want to let my family in but it’s difficult to do.
How to go about it I just don’t have a clue.
I know I’m not alone or the first to feel this way.
Some day I’ll climb that wall -it just won’t be today.
As we take a break from treatment please pray that we will look to God every single day and grow in that relationship. That we will grow closer to eachother and be confident with the decisions that need to be made.
I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13
Dr. Downey shared the results of a recent clinical study with us this morning. This study followed 500 women who were in remission from ovarian cancer. Their CA125 results were monitored and when their "normal" had doubled (75), only half of the women and their doctors were told. Of the half that were told, most of them started back on treatment; the half that wasn't told the results of their CA125 did nothing. The end result showed that it didn't really seem to make a difference in the outcome whether they did the chemo or not. Basically the women who did the chemo had to deal with all the yuck that comes with it.
What they took from this study was that if there isn't any evidence of cancer (other than a rising CA125) quality of life is much better without the chemo. If other evidence is found (such as tumors) then it is another story. Right now I have no other evidence other than my CA125.
Dr. Downey also told us that he doesn't believe that I will ever be cured of my cancer - it will never go away. In fact his words were "I think you know by now that your cancer will never go away". At least those are the words I remember. Sadly enough those words didn't surprise me. Even though he doesn't think that this cancer is curable, he does think it is treatable. The question is what is the treatment going to be? And when do we start it?
I am reading the book Hinds Feet on High Places (for the 2nd or 3rd time) now and it is almost like I am reading about my life. The main character's name is Much-Afraid and the book is about her journey away from The Valley of Humiliation which is filled with her Family of Fearings - Craven Fear, Gloomy, Spiteful, Coward, Pride and Bitterness . . . just to name a few). On her way to the High Places she learns how to develop Hinds Feet so she can go to the High Places.
Right now in the book Much-Afraid has just come to a mountain. It is so steep and dangerous that she can't imagine climbing it. Her guides (Sorrow and Suffering) urge her to call to the Chief Shepherd and she is afraid to because she knows that he will tell her that this is the path she must take. She does call out to him and this is what I read this morning . . . .
"Much-Afraid," said the Shepherd again, "tell Me, what is the matter. Why were you so fearful?"
"It is the way You have chosen for me to go," she whispered. It looks so dreadful, Shepherd, so impossible. I turn giddy and faint whenever I look at it. The roes and hinds can go there, but they are not limping, crippled, or cowardly like me."
"But, Much-Afraid, what did I promise you int he Valley of Humiliation" asked the Shepherd with a smile.
"Oh, Shepherd, You said You would make my feet like hinds' feet and set me upon mine High Places."
"Well," he answered cheerily, "the only way to develop hinds' feet is to go by the paths which the hinds use - like this one."
Much-Afraid trembled and looked at Him shamefacedly. "I don't think - I want - hinds' feet, if it means I have to go on a path like that," she said slowly and painfully.
The Shepherd was a very surprising person. Instead of looking either disappointed or disapproving, He actually laughed again. "Oh, yes you do," He said cheerfully. "I know you better than you know yourself, Much-Afraid. You want it very much indeed, and I promised you these hinds' feet. Indeed, I have brought you on purpose to this back side of the desert, where the mountains are particularly steep and where there are no paths but the tracks of the deer and of the mountain goats for you to follow, that the promise may be fulfilled. What did I say to you the last time that we met?"
"You said, 'Now shalt thou see what I will do'," she answered, and then, looking at Him reproachfully, added, "But I never dreamed You would do anything like this! Lead me to an impassable precipice up which nothing can go but deer and goats, when I'm no more like a deer or goat than is a jellyfish. It's too - it's too -" she fumbled for words, and then burst out laughing. "Why, it's preposterously absurd! It's crazy! Whatever will You do next?"
The Shepherd laughed too. "I love doing preposterous things," He replied. "Why, I don't know anything more exhilarating and delightful than turning weakness into strength, and fear into faith, and that which has been marred into perfection. If there is one more than another which I should enjoy doing at this moment it is turning a jellyfish into a mountain goat. That is My special work".
I could type on and on because I love this book. As you can see, the style of writing is a bit unique and I'm sure it isn't for everyone. The first time I read it I was struggling with depression and it helped me so much. Right now I am struggling with cancer and the whys that come along with it.
A sentence from the book I read a couple days ago was this "This further delay is not unto death, but for the glory of God; that the Son of God may be glorified." One of my biggest struggles with cancer is the why? What purpose can this possibly serve? This sentence helps me understand. It's for God's glory - everything we do is for His glory.
On the blog I am very open and honest. In person though I tend to be quite guarded. I was planning on attending a bible study this year and last night I chickened out. I was going to meet the ladies in this group and just couldn't do it. I had been looking forward to it for weeks and then yesterday afternoon reality set in. I was going to let these women into my life, my mind and my heart. My walls went up and I went down into the pit. I just wanted to be home and left alone. A great friend of mine is in this group and she reached her hand down into the pit where I was. She gently told me that Satan doesn't want me in this bible study. She didn't try to grab me by the arm and pull me from that pit but said she was going to pray for me and left her hand quietly extended there for me when I am ready to take it.
I know God wants me in this bible study and Satan doesn't. I hate how easily I let those negative thoughts or stinkin' thinkin' take over my mind. Please pray that I would be willing to let my guard down and my heart to be reached and that I would recognize the negative thoughts for what they are - useless.
Brian and I are going on our annual fall camping weekend soon - just the two of us! Oh wait, just the two of us plus two dogs :) This is our favorite weekend of the year. It's not that we don't love our children but it is just so wonderful to get away from the world, away from reality and just be together. We watch movies, read books, eat and sleep. And this year we will also get many slobbery kisses from our four legged children. There is nothing like a pet for unconditional love!
We are not going to check my CA125 or have any scans done until after this weekend. I don't want anything going through my mind when we get away. Early in October I will begin having the tests done and then we will meet with my doctor again in November and go from there.
God put it on my heart to take a break from chemo and seek Him. I've taken a break from chemo but I'll be honest - I haven't sought Him. I've kept myself busy with cleaning and running kids here and there, a couple pity parties and anything else that would prevent me from spending that quiet time with Him. Honestly, I think I am afraid just like the character in the book. I'm afraid of what His plans for me are and what He believes I am capable of.
I do believe I have just typed our longest update ever! It feels so good knowing that I am able to share my true feelings - not so much in person but at least through our blog. Some day I will be as open in person as well and let my guard down. I wrote a poem a few years ago about this -
The walls I’ve built around me are up so very high.
I try to hide behind them so no one sees me cry.
Before the tears are on my cheeks they’re way down in my heart.
The loneliness is overwhelming and it’s tearing me apart.
I want to let my family in but it’s difficult to do.
How to go about it I just don’t have a clue.
I know I’m not alone or the first to feel this way.
Some day I’ll climb that wall -it just won’t be today.
As we take a break from treatment please pray that we will look to God every single day and grow in that relationship. That we will grow closer to eachother and be confident with the decisions that need to be made.
I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13
Friday, September 18, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009: A Wordly View
Someone the other day left a comment comparing us to 'global missionaries'. Wow, that is quite a compliment! I think that might be a bit of a stretch, but the compliment is humbling. I don't for one second want to compare our lives to the life of a missionary. Missionaries make such huge sacrifices to spread the word of Christ. They are very special people. But your comment is appreciated. Wow! It sure has made us think. So I checked out our blog site counter recently and looked at our last 100 visitors. Goosebumps! Our 150,000th visitor was from Edison, NJ. We get this information off of our sitemeter...here's a look at a recent snapshot of the past hundred visitors:
Speaking of comments and reaching around the world...all of us in the Christian family have a responsibility. Of faith, hope, and love, which one was the most important? Do you remember? Love. How about 'be humble and gentle' or 'love your neighbor' or 'be imitators of God', etc. My guess is that there are people reading this blog on a daily basis who don't know Christ or are searching for answers. If they see fellow Christians trashing each other it might be a turn off. In the 2 years we've had our blog we've only had to delete a handful of comments...usually a cheap plug to sell miracle pills or something. But the other day there was quite a nasty comment left toward another blogger who commented on our blog. If you read that comment we're sorry. We don't want to get into a situation where we're screening all of the comments. We do know other people who have had inconsiderate comments left and now they are forced to screen every comment before posting it. That is very sad. We don't want to have to do that. Unless offensive (or a cheap plug for some 'enhancing' pill), we leave every comment.
Like I said in my last post...we look forward to reading the comments and if we could respond to every one we would. It lets us know people are reading our blog and care for us. We just ask that if you read the comments and you disagree with someone, please don't use our blog to retaliate. We take the good with the bad. People offer a lot of advice based on their own situation. What works for one person may not work for another. All of us in the cancer family know that. But the only way to find out is to listen to advice and investigate every piece of advice. Do we listen to it all? yup. Do we try it all? nope. Like I said, what works for one may not work for another. Some we've already tried, some just doesn't work for us. The whole medical marijuana topic is kind of funny on the surface but it's real. Cancer is real. If it works, we will try it. Well, not "we", but Kristi. Well, if we make brownies I might have to try one. OK, OK, focus. I ever mention I'm ADD? So anyway, we love you all, thank you for reading, and please keep the comments coming! And if you must reply to someone's comment, send them an e-mail! :)
Remember, of faith, hope and love, LOVE is the greatest. Now go out and LOVE!
or adopt a pet
Speaking of comments and reaching around the world...all of us in the Christian family have a responsibility. Of faith, hope, and love, which one was the most important? Do you remember? Love. How about 'be humble and gentle' or 'love your neighbor' or 'be imitators of God', etc. My guess is that there are people reading this blog on a daily basis who don't know Christ or are searching for answers. If they see fellow Christians trashing each other it might be a turn off. In the 2 years we've had our blog we've only had to delete a handful of comments...usually a cheap plug to sell miracle pills or something. But the other day there was quite a nasty comment left toward another blogger who commented on our blog. If you read that comment we're sorry. We don't want to get into a situation where we're screening all of the comments. We do know other people who have had inconsiderate comments left and now they are forced to screen every comment before posting it. That is very sad. We don't want to have to do that. Unless offensive (or a cheap plug for some 'enhancing' pill), we leave every comment.
Like I said in my last post...we look forward to reading the comments and if we could respond to every one we would. It lets us know people are reading our blog and care for us. We just ask that if you read the comments and you disagree with someone, please don't use our blog to retaliate. We take the good with the bad. People offer a lot of advice based on their own situation. What works for one person may not work for another. All of us in the cancer family know that. But the only way to find out is to listen to advice and investigate every piece of advice. Do we listen to it all? yup. Do we try it all? nope. Like I said, what works for one may not work for another. Some we've already tried, some just doesn't work for us. The whole medical marijuana topic is kind of funny on the surface but it's real. Cancer is real. If it works, we will try it. Well, not "we", but Kristi. Well, if we make brownies I might have to try one. OK, OK, focus. I ever mention I'm ADD? So anyway, we love you all, thank you for reading, and please keep the comments coming! And if you must reply to someone's comment, send them an e-mail! :)
Remember, of faith, hope and love, LOVE is the greatest. Now go out and LOVE!
or adopt a pet
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