Please pray extra for Kristi as she continues to struggle with nausea and fatigue. In her usual fashion, she way understated her side effects in her last post as “feeling crummy”. I can tell you she feels worse than crummy but she doesn’t want to have everyone worried about her. She’s always thinking of everyone else. :) Seems like she has been sick more than not the past couple months. She gets out when she can but then usually pays the price when she gets home by having extreme fatigue and nausea. This is really hard on the kids as Kristi is usually too tired to go on bike rides, play outside, etc.
Her mind (and mine) has been spending a lot of time thinking about the “what ifs”. This is mentally draining on top of her physical fatigue. We also have had 3 deaths recently that were pretty close to us. 2 out of the 3 were cancer related. Those really hit close to home.
So as we go into the weekend, please hold Kristi and the family up in extra prayers.
Thanks!
Friday, August 27, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010: A New Journey
I have been feeling crummy the past couple days. Yesterday started with me throwing up all the water I had drank that morning. Gross. I was very weak and tired but by the end of the day I was able to eat food and keep it down. I was still very fatigued though.
This morning I was still very tired. I was able to eat and wasn't nauseous but I still had that weak/tired feeling. My dear sweet husband stayed home from work to "babysit" me. We ended up going in for blood work this afternoon to see if maybe my counts were low. My nurse just called me with the results and apparently I am "fine". My counts are good.
So, maybe I just have some sort of bug that will hopefully go away soon. The kids start school next week and a lot of things need to happen between now and then - no time for germs!!
On a completely different note ~ I have started a new blog. I've been wanting to do this for quite a while now. Most of my updates on this blog aren't really cancer related - they are more about my relationship with God. I wanted a place to share the things He is teaching me that was completely separate from cancer. We will still keep this blog going when we have medical information to share. All my other postings will be on my blog. The address is www.krogalske.blogspot.com. A new journey has begun!
This morning I was still very tired. I was able to eat and wasn't nauseous but I still had that weak/tired feeling. My dear sweet husband stayed home from work to "babysit" me. We ended up going in for blood work this afternoon to see if maybe my counts were low. My nurse just called me with the results and apparently I am "fine". My counts are good.
So, maybe I just have some sort of bug that will hopefully go away soon. The kids start school next week and a lot of things need to happen between now and then - no time for germs!!
On a completely different note ~ I have started a new blog. I've been wanting to do this for quite a while now. Most of my updates on this blog aren't really cancer related - they are more about my relationship with God. I wanted a place to share the things He is teaching me that was completely separate from cancer. We will still keep this blog going when we have medical information to share. All my other postings will be on my blog. The address is www.krogalske.blogspot.com. A new journey has begun!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010: Grumpy
If you look up the word grumpy in the dictionary I think you would find my picture right next to it. I looked the definition up online and it sums my attitude up perfectly:
grumpy: surly or ill-tempered; discontentedly or sullenly irritable; grouchy.
I think I've been on a downward spiral for a while now and didn't realize it. I'm not depressed, just grumpy. Tonight I googled "what does the bible say about being grumpy". (I know, I'm weird). Nothing really came up (not that I really thought it would) but one of the sites that came up talked about contentment so I searched biblegateway's website for the verse about being content in any situation. Here is The Message's translation:
I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. Philippians 4:12
grumpy: surly or ill-tempered; discontentedly or sullenly irritable; grouchy.
I think I've been on a downward spiral for a while now and didn't realize it. I'm not depressed, just grumpy. Tonight I googled "what does the bible say about being grumpy". (I know, I'm weird). Nothing really came up (not that I really thought it would) but one of the sites that came up talked about contentment so I searched biblegateway's website for the verse about being content in any situation. Here is The Message's translation:
I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. Philippians 4:12
I know that being content in every situation can only come from God. But, what do you do when you are stuck in a deep, dark pit of grumpiness? When the last thing you feel like doing (but know you should be) is reading the bible and praying? Well, in my case you blog. I can feel when God is tugging at my heart and telling me to share a brutally honest update. So, that's what I'm doing.
I'm not sharing this so people will leave comments telling me that it is okay to feel this way because life has been hard for us. Cancer has definitely brought some ugly moments our way but in reality, we are so extremely blessed. Things could be worse. A lot worse.
The reason I'm sharing is first because God told me to. Secondly, I'm guessing I am not the only person to ever feel this way. So, if you are a fellow grumpy person out there - know that you are not alone. Finally, by typing this all out I am able to process things better. As I was reading through Philippians earlier these verses really hit home ~
Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!
Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. Philippians 4:4-9
If I didn't feel the tug to do an update I don't know that I would have gotten my bible out. I probably would have just stewed in my pity party. I'm still grumpy . . . but I'm reminded once again that I serve a very awesome God. And with Him ~ all things are possible.
(Aaaaaahhhhhh!!! I've spent the past half hour trying to add lines between paragraphs. Sooooooo not helping with my grumpiness. Perfect spacing is just not meant to be with this post though so I'm letting it go. Okay, so I'm trying to let it go.)
Monday, August 16, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010: Consider This
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-3 NIV
We've faced a lot of trials and I know there are a lot more to come. I have to admit that when I read that verse my initial response is always "trials are pure joy ~ I don't think so!" The other day when I was reading this verse the word "consider" jumped out at me. Here's a couple of definitions I found online for the word "consider":
To think carefully about, especially in order to make a decision; contemplate; reflect on. To regard as or deem to be. To think, believe, or suppose, to bear in mind; make allowance for, to pay attention to; regard. To regard with respect, thoughtfulness, honor, etc.
This verse isn't telling me that I need to accept trials as pure joy but I should consider it. God knows that my first reaction is typically 'trials = bad, hard, difficult, stressful ~ anything but joyful'. This verse has challenged me to think about our trials from His perspective. In my heart I understand it but my mind is still ~ well ~ considering the possibilities.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:3-9
Hmmmm ~ trials come to prove the genuineness of our faith so that we can reach our ultimate goal - the salvation of our soul. Yikes - instead of whining to God about my trials I should be thanking Him for them? Something to consider . . . . .
We've faced a lot of trials and I know there are a lot more to come. I have to admit that when I read that verse my initial response is always "trials are pure joy ~ I don't think so!" The other day when I was reading this verse the word "consider" jumped out at me. Here's a couple of definitions I found online for the word "consider":
To think carefully about, especially in order to make a decision; contemplate; reflect on. To regard as or deem to be. To think, believe, or suppose, to bear in mind; make allowance for, to pay attention to; regard. To regard with respect, thoughtfulness, honor, etc.
This verse isn't telling me that I need to accept trials as pure joy but I should consider it. God knows that my first reaction is typically 'trials = bad, hard, difficult, stressful ~ anything but joyful'. This verse has challenged me to think about our trials from His perspective. In my heart I understand it but my mind is still ~ well ~ considering the possibilities.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:3-9
Hmmmm ~ trials come to prove the genuineness of our faith so that we can reach our ultimate goal - the salvation of our soul. Yikes - instead of whining to God about my trials I should be thanking Him for them? Something to consider . . . . .
Monday, August 2, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010: Going, Going, Soon to be Gone!
Slowly but surely my CA125 is coming down ~ three months ago it was 598, two months ago it was 544. Today's number . . . . . drum roll please . . . . . 440!!!!!!!!!! I'd type a longer update but we're busy celebrating :)
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Saturday, July 31, 2010: Who Am I?
I have been struggling with who I am lately. Am I a mom? Wife? Friend? What is my purpose? Should I be home taking care of my family? Helping with different programs at church or school? Supporting and comforting friends who are struggling and hurting? To be honest, right know I think what I have allowed to define me the most is cancer. I'm a cancer victim-fighter-survivor. When it comes right down to it that is what has defined me. It's my "get out of anything I don't want to do" card. It's my guilt-free reason to thrown my own pity party. It's what keeps me awake at night as I allow it to define me and my future. Frankly, it's getting old.
This past week I helped at Vacation Bible School at our church. As I was trying to tally the attendance for the day and break it down by grade (no small task for someone with ADD and chemo brain!) I heard the kids singing in the sanctuary. The line I heard was "I am who the Great I Am says I am". I initially loved the line and the simple truth. Of course my "human" mind tried to complicate it ~ "what does that line mean? what does He say that I am? maybe I could finally be who He says I am if I could only figure out what it is He is saying". Here are some of the words to the song:
I am who the Great I Am says I am,
I am one of His greatest creations.
He says that I am remarkably, wonderfully made,
and I am who He says I am.
There are more words to the song but I love the simplicity of this part. He created me -remarkable and wonderful (two words I definitely wouldn't use to describe me but He does). That's it - I am who He says I am. So simple and so powerful at the same time. It's one thing to read the words to this song but when you hear 600 kids, 200 volunteers and an awesome praise team singing it on the top of their lungs it is powerful!!
I am still struggling with the concept of who I am but that's okay. It's not up to me to figure it out because ultimately ~ I am who the Great I Am says I am!
This past week I helped at Vacation Bible School at our church. As I was trying to tally the attendance for the day and break it down by grade (no small task for someone with ADD and chemo brain!) I heard the kids singing in the sanctuary. The line I heard was "I am who the Great I Am says I am". I initially loved the line and the simple truth. Of course my "human" mind tried to complicate it ~ "what does that line mean? what does He say that I am? maybe I could finally be who He says I am if I could only figure out what it is He is saying". Here are some of the words to the song:
I am who the Great I Am says I am,
I am one of His greatest creations.
He says that I am remarkably, wonderfully made,
and I am who He says I am.
There are more words to the song but I love the simplicity of this part. He created me -remarkable and wonderful (two words I definitely wouldn't use to describe me but He does). That's it - I am who He says I am. So simple and so powerful at the same time. It's one thing to read the words to this song but when you hear 600 kids, 200 volunteers and an awesome praise team singing it on the top of their lungs it is powerful!!
I am still struggling with the concept of who I am but that's okay. It's not up to me to figure it out because ultimately ~ I am who the Great I Am says I am!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010: Victory!
After a long and grueling season, Nathan's team won the league tournament tonight by winning both games they played. Here's the play by play:
Nathan's team down 5-1 in the 7th inning. Nathan's team already scored 2 runs when Nathan comes to the plate with one man on 2nd and one on 3rd. 2 outs. They call a time out to discuss what to pitch to Nathan (he has a reputation for being one of the league's top hitters). But...it didn't matter. Nathan crushed a single that scored 2 runs!! He tied the game. He tied the game. The crowd went crazy. Nathan's team went on to score one more run to take the lead (Nathan was later called out at home for the 3rd out on a very close call - I think he was safe...I was screaming from the bleachers in right field "HE MISSED THE TAG, HE MISSED THE TAG!"). His team held on for the one run victory.
In the championship game his team went on to easily handle their opponent and cruised to the victory, at one point leading 9-1. Jumping, screaming and lots of adolescent sweaty smelling boys. Victory!
Nathan's team down 5-1 in the 7th inning. Nathan's team already scored 2 runs when Nathan comes to the plate with one man on 2nd and one on 3rd. 2 outs. They call a time out to discuss what to pitch to Nathan (he has a reputation for being one of the league's top hitters). But...it didn't matter. Nathan crushed a single that scored 2 runs!! He tied the game. He tied the game. The crowd went crazy. Nathan's team went on to score one more run to take the lead (Nathan was later called out at home for the 3rd out on a very close call - I think he was safe...I was screaming from the bleachers in right field "HE MISSED THE TAG, HE MISSED THE TAG!"). His team held on for the one run victory.
In the championship game his team went on to easily handle their opponent and cruised to the victory, at one point leading 9-1. Jumping, screaming and lots of adolescent sweaty smelling boys. Victory!
The part about Nathan's game is true. Some of the other details may have been slightly embellished/overstated/exaggerated and the writer claims no responsibility for any misrepresentation of the facts. Some names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010: Still Listening
I've been trying to listen to God. Not just a sit down, pray and listen kind of thing but actually listening all day long. I want to connect with God as though He was literally right next to me guiding me with each decision. The more I've listened, the more I've heard.
I've heard very clear cut answers to questions. I've heard songs on the radio that went right to my heart as if God was sitting next to me, pointing to the radio and saying "this one is for you". Last week as I was driving home every song that was playing on the radio was like a personal message to me. A new song started that I have never heard before and it was as if I had wrote the song myself. It was my life, right now, exactly what I was feeling. As I listened to the words God was so very real to me. I was in awe. It felt like it was just me and God at that moment and everything else fell away.
Of course now I can't remember a single word to the song and despite many google searches I have not been able to find it. But that's okay because if I need to hear it again - God will play it for me.
Very early this morning an amazing woman left this earth and went to her eternal home. I admired her long before either of us had been diagnosed with cancer. She encouraged me so much. She had walked a mile in my shoes and she understood my fears, my joys and my sorrows. We could talk freely to each other knowing we would not be judged by our words.
Today's news of her passing caught me completely off guard. I knew that she was experiencing a lot of health issues and was not able to start a second clinical trial because of it but I did not realize how significant these issues had become.
My first thought was "No! How can this be possible? I haven't talked to her recently, I still have so much to learn from her." I instantly had guilt for not calling her more often or visiting with her. The guilt became overwhelming until I heard God whisper "these thoughts are not from me".
I have been trying figure out how to keep in constant communication with God. When I hear songs and read scripture I feel so connected. I wish I could just push away the nonsense of life and simply be with God. Life is filled with so many distractions. I get frustrated with how easily my mind can wander - how quickly I can go from dwelling in God's peace to listening to the enemies lies. I asked God today "how do I stay connected to you?" and I heard "through your suffering". To be honest - that really scared me. As much as I love the closeness to God I feel during the times of suffering, I am mentally overwhelmed at the thought of continued suffering. How much more can I endure? How much can my family endure? Why, why, why?
I'm not completely sure what God meant by that but I am sure that in His time he will reveal more to me . . . if I continue to listen. I don't know what life has in store for me but I'm tired of looking ahead and fearing the worst. It's time to stop looking ahead and start looking up and remember that God knows what my future holds and He will carry me through.
In the words of Alaida - "I don't know what my future holds but I know who holds my future".
I've heard very clear cut answers to questions. I've heard songs on the radio that went right to my heart as if God was sitting next to me, pointing to the radio and saying "this one is for you". Last week as I was driving home every song that was playing on the radio was like a personal message to me. A new song started that I have never heard before and it was as if I had wrote the song myself. It was my life, right now, exactly what I was feeling. As I listened to the words God was so very real to me. I was in awe. It felt like it was just me and God at that moment and everything else fell away.
Of course now I can't remember a single word to the song and despite many google searches I have not been able to find it. But that's okay because if I need to hear it again - God will play it for me.
Very early this morning an amazing woman left this earth and went to her eternal home. I admired her long before either of us had been diagnosed with cancer. She encouraged me so much. She had walked a mile in my shoes and she understood my fears, my joys and my sorrows. We could talk freely to each other knowing we would not be judged by our words.
Today's news of her passing caught me completely off guard. I knew that she was experiencing a lot of health issues and was not able to start a second clinical trial because of it but I did not realize how significant these issues had become.
My first thought was "No! How can this be possible? I haven't talked to her recently, I still have so much to learn from her." I instantly had guilt for not calling her more often or visiting with her. The guilt became overwhelming until I heard God whisper "these thoughts are not from me".
I have been trying figure out how to keep in constant communication with God. When I hear songs and read scripture I feel so connected. I wish I could just push away the nonsense of life and simply be with God. Life is filled with so many distractions. I get frustrated with how easily my mind can wander - how quickly I can go from dwelling in God's peace to listening to the enemies lies. I asked God today "how do I stay connected to you?" and I heard "through your suffering". To be honest - that really scared me. As much as I love the closeness to God I feel during the times of suffering, I am mentally overwhelmed at the thought of continued suffering. How much more can I endure? How much can my family endure? Why, why, why?
I'm not completely sure what God meant by that but I am sure that in His time he will reveal more to me . . . if I continue to listen. I don't know what life has in store for me but I'm tired of looking ahead and fearing the worst. It's time to stop looking ahead and start looking up and remember that God knows what my future holds and He will carry me through.
In the words of Alaida - "I don't know what my future holds but I know who holds my future".
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010: Listen
Read Isaiah 50. Then go back and reflect on verses 4 and 5.
“He wakens me morning by morning,
wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.
5 The Sovereign LORD has opened my ears,
and I have not been rebellious;
I have not drawn back.”
Stop what you’re doing. Listen. Block out all the noise and just listen. “He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.” Wow. How are you doing? Are you waking up every morning and listening? Before the madness of the day starts? Or are you like me: the alarm awakens me with no time to spare. Well, after about 5 snoozes; then it’s rush rush rush to work. And so the day begins.
I’ll be the first to admit – I’m not a good listener. Sometimes I'm not a very good student. I rebel. I draw back when times are good. Sometimes I feel like that student in the back row of the class. You know the one. The class clown. The one passing notes, making gross farting sounds when the teacher isn’t looking, goofing off basically. Not listening. These verses hit me this morning. Reminded me to stop and listen.
Let’s all pray for each other this morning to be better students. Better listeners. We have a great Teacher. Let’s stop and listen to what He is trying to tell us. Just listen.
Amen.
“He wakens me morning by morning,
wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.
5 The Sovereign LORD has opened my ears,
and I have not been rebellious;
I have not drawn back.”
Stop what you’re doing. Listen. Block out all the noise and just listen. “He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.” Wow. How are you doing? Are you waking up every morning and listening? Before the madness of the day starts? Or are you like me: the alarm awakens me with no time to spare. Well, after about 5 snoozes; then it’s rush rush rush to work. And so the day begins.
I’ll be the first to admit – I’m not a good listener. Sometimes I'm not a very good student. I rebel. I draw back when times are good. Sometimes I feel like that student in the back row of the class. You know the one. The class clown. The one passing notes, making gross farting sounds when the teacher isn’t looking, goofing off basically. Not listening. These verses hit me this morning. Reminded me to stop and listen.
Let’s all pray for each other this morning to be better students. Better listeners. We have a great Teacher. Let’s stop and listen to what He is trying to tell us. Just listen.
Amen.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010: Good News
We had a good visit today with Dr. Downey's office. We actually saw his partner because Dr. Downey is on vacation this week. But, this doctor confirmed that the tumors that Dr. Downey felt 2 visits ago are no longer there AND Kristi's CA125 dropped to 544. So good news all around for Kristi.
Well, sort of. Ashley, our oldest daughter, left with a friend on a middle school overnight trip to Cedar Point this morning. Kristi is having a hard time "letting go". I'm just excited that we get a break from the 13 y/o hormones for a night! No eye rolls. No "Dad!". No heavy sighs followed by stomping feet. But she sure is a cutie, isn't she?! see, this is where she would go "Daaaaad". I'm such a man. This along with good news from the doctor almost makes it like cancer doesn't even exist for the moment. It's kinda nice.
Anyway, we just wanted to give a quick update.
"God, examine me and know my heart; test me and know my nervous thoughts." Psalm 139:23
Well, sort of. Ashley, our oldest daughter, left with a friend on a middle school overnight trip to Cedar Point this morning. Kristi is having a hard time "letting go". I'm just excited that we get a break from the 13 y/o hormones for a night! No eye rolls. No "Dad!". No heavy sighs followed by stomping feet. But she sure is a cutie, isn't she?! see, this is where she would go "Daaaaad". I'm such a man. This along with good news from the doctor almost makes it like cancer doesn't even exist for the moment. It's kinda nice.
Anyway, we just wanted to give a quick update.
"God, examine me and know my heart; test me and know my nervous thoughts." Psalm 139:23
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010: Mess With Me Prayers
I'm starting to notice a pattern in my life . . . . wake up, survive the day, go to bed, repeat. Something's missing. God is missing. And it isn't because He's moved . . . I have.
I've been praying for a couple months now about my relationship with God. It seems like with all we have been through I should have a very close connection with Him. When there isn't a crisis to deal with I tend to pull away - even from reading the bible, doing devotions and simply listening to God.
When I am in crisis I connect with Him again but it seems to be more of a one sided connection. It's me asking why, how, and "really"? It's also me begging for peace, comfort and direction but then not listening for the answer.
I think I have found the source of my troubles. I don't want to become too close to God because then it may become very clear what His plans for me are and I don't want to know them. I don't want to get out of my comfort zone and try something new that He may be asking of me. What if He wants me to speak publicly again or worse . . . . one on one with people that I don't know. I feel safe typing my feelings on the blog because I can edit it before I publish it. Plus there isn't anyone looking at me right now. In person I tend to either talk too much out of nervousness or clam up out of fear that I may say something stupid.
I was trying to find a Psalm the other day and I came across Psalm 30:11-12 . . . You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. Oh Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever. I wanted to close the bible at that point and forget that I had even read that. Dancing? Me? No thanks, I'd rather be wailing. Being clothed with joy sounds great but only if I can quietly enjoy that peace at home while being silent.
I've been watching my sister over the past couple months. Growing up she had the nickname "happy mouth". It suited her perfectly and it still does. No matter what life throws her way she sings praises to God. Literally singing . . . and dancing! I was sitting next to her at a Mercy Me concert once and had to laugh at the contrast. She was standing up, dancing and singing every chance she could get . . . . I was sitting, listening to the music and perfectly content. I even tapped my foot to the beat once in a while . . . I know, I'm such a rebel.
I've always wished I was more like her though. I wish I had the courage to sing, dance and praise God so openly. I wish I could just be "me" and not even consider what others are thinking about me. I have the desire to dance locked somewhere deep in my heart. I love music and when I'm home with the kids I have been known to break into dance but the look of horror in their eyes usually makes me stop :)
I sent a link to my sister recently with the song I Wanna Be Like You from The Jungle Book. Here are some of the lyrics:
You -oh oh
I wanna be like you - oh oh
I wanna walk like you
Talk like you, too
You'll see it's true
Someone like me
Can learn to be
Like someone like you
I know I goofed up some of the lyrics but these are the words that kept going through my head. I wanted Lori to know how much I admired her and wanted to be more like her. I was focused on the first part of the song - of wanting to be like her. After I sent it I heard the second part . . . you'll see it's true - someone like me - can learn to be like someone like you. Huh. I can?
I know God doesn't want me to be just like her but I can learn from her. I can have that same courage to just be "me" if I could just trust God when He asks me to do something that is out of my comfort zone instead of putting my fingers in my ears and saying "I can't hear you".
So, a couple days ago I prayed for that. I prayed another "mess with me" prayer. You think I would have learned my lesson the first time . . . be careful what you pray for! I'm so tired of just going through the motions.
This might hurt, it’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change.
I don’t care, if I break
At least I’ll be feeling something.
‘Cause just ok is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions
(lyrics are from ~ Going Through the Motions by Matthew West)
Well, I guess I will end this post here and go hang on tight . . . . I know first hand the power of a "mess with me" prayer!
I've been praying for a couple months now about my relationship with God. It seems like with all we have been through I should have a very close connection with Him. When there isn't a crisis to deal with I tend to pull away - even from reading the bible, doing devotions and simply listening to God.
When I am in crisis I connect with Him again but it seems to be more of a one sided connection. It's me asking why, how, and "really"? It's also me begging for peace, comfort and direction but then not listening for the answer.
I think I have found the source of my troubles. I don't want to become too close to God because then it may become very clear what His plans for me are and I don't want to know them. I don't want to get out of my comfort zone and try something new that He may be asking of me. What if He wants me to speak publicly again or worse . . . . one on one with people that I don't know. I feel safe typing my feelings on the blog because I can edit it before I publish it. Plus there isn't anyone looking at me right now. In person I tend to either talk too much out of nervousness or clam up out of fear that I may say something stupid.
I was trying to find a Psalm the other day and I came across Psalm 30:11-12 . . . You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. Oh Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever. I wanted to close the bible at that point and forget that I had even read that. Dancing? Me? No thanks, I'd rather be wailing. Being clothed with joy sounds great but only if I can quietly enjoy that peace at home while being silent.
I've been watching my sister over the past couple months. Growing up she had the nickname "happy mouth". It suited her perfectly and it still does. No matter what life throws her way she sings praises to God. Literally singing . . . and dancing! I was sitting next to her at a Mercy Me concert once and had to laugh at the contrast. She was standing up, dancing and singing every chance she could get . . . . I was sitting, listening to the music and perfectly content. I even tapped my foot to the beat once in a while . . . I know, I'm such a rebel.
I've always wished I was more like her though. I wish I had the courage to sing, dance and praise God so openly. I wish I could just be "me" and not even consider what others are thinking about me. I have the desire to dance locked somewhere deep in my heart. I love music and when I'm home with the kids I have been known to break into dance but the look of horror in their eyes usually makes me stop :)
I sent a link to my sister recently with the song I Wanna Be Like You from The Jungle Book. Here are some of the lyrics:
You -oh oh
I wanna be like you - oh oh
I wanna walk like you
Talk like you, too
You'll see it's true
Someone like me
Can learn to be
Like someone like you
I know I goofed up some of the lyrics but these are the words that kept going through my head. I wanted Lori to know how much I admired her and wanted to be more like her. I was focused on the first part of the song - of wanting to be like her. After I sent it I heard the second part . . . you'll see it's true - someone like me - can learn to be like someone like you. Huh. I can?
I know God doesn't want me to be just like her but I can learn from her. I can have that same courage to just be "me" if I could just trust God when He asks me to do something that is out of my comfort zone instead of putting my fingers in my ears and saying "I can't hear you".
So, a couple days ago I prayed for that. I prayed another "mess with me" prayer. You think I would have learned my lesson the first time . . . be careful what you pray for! I'm so tired of just going through the motions.
This might hurt, it’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change.
I don’t care, if I break
At least I’ll be feeling something.
‘Cause just ok is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions
(lyrics are from ~ Going Through the Motions by Matthew West)
Well, I guess I will end this post here and go hang on tight . . . . I know first hand the power of a "mess with me" prayer!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010: Blown Away!
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Wondering why this video is significant? Well, Friday night when this storm hit Detroit, we just happened to be at Comerica Park. Yup, the company I work for had our annual employee night at Comerica Park. When we left our hotel to head for the ballpark the sky was nothing but blue. It was a perfect night for a baseball game. I have to admit, the game was a little long and boring...and I'm even a Tiger fan! But a lot of walks and pitching changes makes for a long game.
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Fortunately though, with today's modern technology the people next to us were tracking this storm as it moved closer to Detroit. Those people bailed when the storm was about 40 minutes away. When the storm was about 30 minutes away a guy from work who was sitting next to me decided his family was going to leave. The memories of running out of the Magic Kingdom in the pouring rain was still fresh in our memories so we decided to bail shortly after.
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So we headed out to the van. Problem is I forgot where we parked...as did the rest of the family. Everything looked completely different in the dark. We wandered and wander for about 20 minutes in the dark...passing many homeless people and dark alleys. Then all of a sudden it hit. You could hear the storm brewing. The wind noise was unbelievable. Then like a wall WHAM. A wall of wind about knocked us over. I'm not exaggerating when I say it nearly knocked Ashley to the ground. She was hanging on to Kristi with all her might. I scooped up Emily and held her head into my chest. It felt like we were getting sand blasted. The sand and dirt just pelted our skin and eyes. Then the rain started...and not just a light sprinkle. It was like a monsoon...the rain was blowing every which way. I can honestly say I have never experienced anything like that before. So here we are...the 5 of us. Completely lost in Downtown Detroit. Dark, pouring rain and unbelievable wind. At one point I was holding Emily standing in the middle of a desolate intersection and I looked up at the sky and yelled "UNCLE". I was mad at God. Another family memory ending like this. Unbelievable. We walked around trying to find somewhere we could take shelter. Then after about 20 minutes of wandering we stumbled across our van. Of course we were all soaked and tired. Considering the situation all the kids did great. I have to admit, I was freaked out for a while. I have never felt so lost. I just didn't know what to do. I couldn't believe I got my family into this.
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Now we look back and we can laugh (OK, maybe not laugh). What an adventure! Then I got to thinking. If this was just an ordinary Tiger game and uneventful ride home, the kids would hardly remember this night 20 years from now. But, now I can guarantee that they will remember this night for the rest of their lives...the night Dad got us lost in Detroit. We could make a movie out of it..."Lost In Detroit". Yeah, that's it! Of course every time I tell the story it gets bigger and bigger. The last person I told I was dodging falling buildings. OK, so maybe not that bad but I don't really care to do it again!
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As far as the game...well, the Tigers won 7-5 and are only a game and a half out of first place. The kids are still 50-50 if they ever want to go back to a Tiger game. I remember Nathan crying in the back of the van on our way back to the hotel "I hate Detroit!". If you ask Emily she says "it was the worst day of my life". Oh well, life's an adventure.
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Update on Kristi: still a lot of lower back pain and abdominal pains. The effects of the chemo are also starting to accumulate...same as last round. Her fatigue and nausea come and go more frequently as she gets further into this round. Please pray for strength for another 2 weeks of this round.
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Beautiful night for baseball!
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Carlos Guillen checking out this lady's brown GUCCI luxury handbag
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Tigers scoring runs
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010: More Good News
Last week I got the Palomino out of storage and prepped for its 33rd season. And like the previous 32 seasons, the Palomino did not disappoint us with its first trip of this new camping season. After 33 years the Palomino keeps on going...and I have slept in the Palomino at least one night of each of those 33 years!
look at that thing...a beauty indeed!
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This past weekend we went camping at Van Buren State Park in South Haven with our life group...4 other families.
look at that thing...a beauty indeed!
she's a beauty too!!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010: Going Down . . .
Usually when I say I am "going down" it means I am sliding into a depression. In this case though, going down is good! Although my CA125 didn't go down much ~ it did go down! It was 630 last time and it is now 598.
I also had a physical exam today and Dr. Downey could not feel the lump that he felt two months ago! I don't think he expected me to respond so well to this treatment ~ he almost didn't seem quite sure what to do with himself. I asked him if he was finally ready to believe me that I am going to kick this cancer and his response was "well, it sure is taking you long enough". I responded that this has just been so much fun that I'm not ready for it to end yet. Although he can typically be quite down I sure do love messing with his mind :)
My other blood counts are down but they are not dangerously low. The plan is to start the Etoposide up again on Sunday night (it's a daily pill for 20 days) and go back in again after that for more bloodwork and meet with him again in a month.
Right now though . . . we celebrate!!! Can I get a woooohooooo????!!!!!!!
I also had a physical exam today and Dr. Downey could not feel the lump that he felt two months ago! I don't think he expected me to respond so well to this treatment ~ he almost didn't seem quite sure what to do with himself. I asked him if he was finally ready to believe me that I am going to kick this cancer and his response was "well, it sure is taking you long enough". I responded that this has just been so much fun that I'm not ready for it to end yet. Although he can typically be quite down I sure do love messing with his mind :)
My other blood counts are down but they are not dangerously low. The plan is to start the Etoposide up again on Sunday night (it's a daily pill for 20 days) and go back in again after that for more bloodwork and meet with him again in a month.
Right now though . . . we celebrate!!! Can I get a woooohooooo????!!!!!!!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Still Waiting . . . . . . .
I've been playing phone tag with the doctors office . . . . I'm sure we won't hear anything tonight. We have an appointment tomorrow morning at 9:30. For now, we wait.
The theme from Jeopardy quite often jumps into my head while I'm waiting . . . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8E10S7lbAPw&feature=related
(In case the link doesn't work . . . it's the Jeopardy theme song being played on the FAO Schwartz Foot Piano . . . . very cool!)
The theme from Jeopardy quite often jumps into my head while I'm waiting . . . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8E10S7lbAPw&feature=related
(In case the link doesn't work . . . it's the Jeopardy theme song being played on the FAO Schwartz Foot Piano . . . . very cool!)
Wednesday, June 9, 2010: Reality
I am still waiting for the call. You would think after almost 3 1/2 years of this I would get used to the waiting. Nope.
I brought the kids to school this morning for the last time this school year. I am very excited about not having to set my alarm clock anymore. I am not excited about the "I'm bored" and sibling rivalry that will soon be taking place.
Our youngest believes that she is in charge and that we shouldn't even be considering the possibility that she isn't. She has one volume . . . loud. She also believes that it is her job to torment her brother and sister.
Our middle child is a boy. He has an older sister and a younger sister. Only one boy and stuck between two sisters? Life is sooooooo not fair.
Our oldest child is dangerously close to becoming a teenager. Enough said.
Put the three together and let's just say that it my hair wasn't already falling out from the chemo treatment it would be turning completely gray.
I have muscle aches all over and I can hardly keep my eyes open from the fatigue. I can't wait for the phone to ring and yet I'm dreading it at the same time. Even worse, I'm dreading having to make phone calls to let friends and family know what the new number is. I'm already assuming that it has gone up - that way if it didn't go up it will be an unexpected blessing.
Being in Florida was such a wonderful escape from reality. We were able to just leave cancer at home and simply just "be". When we came home though reality didn't just knock on the door, it came barreling through and knocked me right between the eyes. If I had the energy I would love to punch reality right back and sending it flying. Right now though I'm so tired all I want to do is go back to bed and pull the covers over my head. But, the phone will still ring, the kids will still need to be picked up soon and the camper isn't going to pack itself.
I read something the other day that really made me think. It was something that Joni Eareckson Tada wrote (for those of you that aren't familiar with her - she is in a wheelchair paralyzed from the neck down because of a diving accident many years ago). She wrote "I would rather be in this chair knowing Him than on my feet without Him".
Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. Psalm 84:10 (NIV)
One day spent in your house, this beautiful place of worship, beats thousands spent on Greek island beaches. I'd rather scrub floors in the house of my God than be honored as a guest in the palace of sin. Psalm 84:10-12 (The Message)
I brought the kids to school this morning for the last time this school year. I am very excited about not having to set my alarm clock anymore. I am not excited about the "I'm bored" and sibling rivalry that will soon be taking place.
Our youngest believes that she is in charge and that we shouldn't even be considering the possibility that she isn't. She has one volume . . . loud. She also believes that it is her job to torment her brother and sister.
Our middle child is a boy. He has an older sister and a younger sister. Only one boy and stuck between two sisters? Life is sooooooo not fair.
Our oldest child is dangerously close to becoming a teenager. Enough said.
Put the three together and let's just say that it my hair wasn't already falling out from the chemo treatment it would be turning completely gray.
I have muscle aches all over and I can hardly keep my eyes open from the fatigue. I can't wait for the phone to ring and yet I'm dreading it at the same time. Even worse, I'm dreading having to make phone calls to let friends and family know what the new number is. I'm already assuming that it has gone up - that way if it didn't go up it will be an unexpected blessing.
Being in Florida was such a wonderful escape from reality. We were able to just leave cancer at home and simply just "be". When we came home though reality didn't just knock on the door, it came barreling through and knocked me right between the eyes. If I had the energy I would love to punch reality right back and sending it flying. Right now though I'm so tired all I want to do is go back to bed and pull the covers over my head. But, the phone will still ring, the kids will still need to be picked up soon and the camper isn't going to pack itself.
I read something the other day that really made me think. It was something that Joni Eareckson Tada wrote (for those of you that aren't familiar with her - she is in a wheelchair paralyzed from the neck down because of a diving accident many years ago). She wrote "I would rather be in this chair knowing Him than on my feet without Him".
Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. Psalm 84:10 (NIV)
One day spent in your house, this beautiful place of worship, beats thousands spent on Greek island beaches. I'd rather scrub floors in the house of my God than be honored as a guest in the palace of sin. Psalm 84:10-12 (The Message)
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010: No News
We didn't hear from Kristi's doctor today like we thought we would. They're not always the best at getting back with us. We should hear tomorrow.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010: Disney
Sorry bloggers, we updated our Facebook page but forgot the blog...so hard managing both Facebook and the blog. :)
Anyway, we had a great time at Disney. Here are just a few pictures from our trip...between Lori and I we took about 400 pictures so it was hard to pick just a few.
Anyway, we had a great time at Disney. Here are just a few pictures from our trip...between Lori and I we took about 400 pictures so it was hard to pick just a few.
After the pictures I have an update and prayer request...
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Arriving in Orlando!
Hangin' out at Lori's time-share (Lori's the undercover one)
Emily being silly...
aweeeeee
what a nice looking family :)
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Then back to reality. Kristi had bloodwork done yesterday. Today we expect to get the results of her new CA125 number. Thursday we meet with Dr. Downey to determine what he wants to do next. Please pray for comfort during these next few unnerving days.
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Then back to reality. Kristi had bloodwork done yesterday. Today we expect to get the results of her new CA125 number. Thursday we meet with Dr. Downey to determine what he wants to do next. Please pray for comfort during these next few unnerving days.
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Also pray for Kristi's sanity. The kids' last day of school is tomorrow and we have plans to go camping this weekend. Also, on a more personal level, her hair is falling out at a faster pace. This was expected with the new chemotherapy. We're not exactly sure if it's all going to fall out like Dr. Downey said, but it is definitely very thin and emotional for Kristi.
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Thanks for the continued prayers. We'll update the blog when we have the new number...and more time!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
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