Sunday, January 23, 2011: Cold!

Well, the first few days last week after chemo actually went very well as compared to Kristi's first dose of this new chemo.  So for that we are very grateful.  Today, unfortunately, things didn't go very well.  Kristi woke up not feeling "right" and a little nauseous.  She had a very bad headache all day and her neck still hurts.  So I took the kids to the beech to give Kristi some quiet time.  We were actually there longer than I expected...very cool!  Some pictures below.  As the day went on Kristi's nausea got worse and worse until she was dry heaving. 

I guess we're supposed to be thankful for these times too.  Hmmm.  I'll understand some day...right now, not so much.  But anyway, the kids are waiting to be tucked in.  Chemo is Wednesday again so prayers for another "good" round!



Ashley & Nathan Wrestling

 

Hmm, the girls on the edge, the boy too scared.  Don't worry, there was just snow below them!

Um, brrrr

wonder what they're talking about

just looked...3 degrees out right now.  Hey Aunt Diane, how's the weather in Mexico?!

Can't leave without a picture of Big Red

A reminder from a 7th grader

7. Write a letter to a friend telling them the story of Jesus and who he is to you personally.


The story of Jesus is amazing. Jesus is the Messiah, Lord of Lords, King of Kings, and lots more. A long time ago, Jesus did a thing that changed our lives forever. He gave up his life, for us. He died on the cross to save our sins. He paid the price, for us. Jesus, is a miracle. I have had many miracles in my life, and I'm praying for one right now. My mom has had Ovarian Cancer for quite a while now, and it keeps getting worse. I believe that God has great plans for my mom, maybe he wants her to be with him soon, or maybe he is going to heal her, and have her stay on earth for a little while longer. Sometimes it's hard to Trust Jesus, but we have to trust him, no matter what the circumstance is. Whether it can mean losing a loved one, or maybe struggling with something yourself. Trust in Jesus, because Jesus, is the key to happiness.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011: So Long Normal

I really enjoyed feeling "normal" for most of the past week. Today I was injected with poison . . . I mean chemo. Everything went fine - no problems. I'm starting to feel a bit queasy and tired. I'm sure some of it is psychological - just thinking about the chemo moving around inside my body makes me feel yucky.

While I was gone this morning our house was cleaned and supper was delivered. We have such an amazing support system. The kids are all home and playing Mario Cart Wii. Since the house is clean and supper is made I am going to veg out on the couch and watch them.

Life is hard, but God is good.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011: Another Dose

Kristi never got a chance to update the blog after the other day…she’s been too busy enjoying feeling almost human again! She really has enjoyed this time off from chemo. Unfortunately, she goes in for dose number 2 this morning at 9. Her nurse gave her a different anti-nausea med this time so we’re hopeful that she will be able to tolerate this dose better than the last one.

Please pray with us that she can tolerate this dose of chemo much better than the last one and that we see signs that the chemo is doing its job. Please also pray for the kids, specifically Ashley and Nathan as they are becoming much more aware of what’s going on. Thank you!

Saturday, January 15, 2011: A Very Quick Update

I am working on a blog update but right now I need to defend my title on Mario Cart Wii . In a nutshell - life is good!! Mammogram results were "normal"!! More details later.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011: 1 Week Delay

Just a short update tonight...Kristi woke up very nauseous this morning and feeling miserable so she cancelled her chemo appointment. She will go in next week Wednesday. Hopefully she can update tomorrow.

Monday, January 10, 2011: At A Loss for Words

I've lost track of how many times I have tried to update the blog over the past few weeks. I've signed in to blogger, clicked on "new post", typed in the date and then I sit and stare at the blank screen. I have plenty of things I could update about but I just can't seem to focus. I used to love updating the blog. The words would just come to me and it would help me process everything going on in my mind.

I was hoping that today would be the day. That I would start typing and all the words would just come out, but they're not. They seem to be trapped and lost in my brain. So for now I will just share a few details.

I am feeling much better today - the chemo "fog" seems to have finally lifted. My next treatment is this Wednesday but I am really struggling with the thought of it. This morning I went for a mammogram and I won't even let myself think about getting bad results. I don't think I have fully let "reality" register yet in my brain. I don't even know how.

I've been staring at the screen for the past 30 minutes. I keep waiting for something creative to come out of my fingers but it's just not happening. So I will simply end the post asking for prayers for good test results from this morning, for wisdom with treatment decisions and that I will be able to hear from God again soon. I haven't heard from Him in a long time. I know He's there and that He's listening and that He has never left me and never will. But right now, He feels so far away.

Saturday, January 8, 2011: Days 4 & 5

Days 4 and 5 post chemo were better than day 3 but still no walk in the park. Kristi remains very chemo fatigued but at least the nausea is gone. She has spent most of the past 2 days between the couch and bed.

I've been getting a real good idea of what a single parent goes through every day. I have to admit, I don't like it. Let's take some time tonight to think about all the single parents out there and say a special prayer for them.

The kids have been great...very patient. Although I usually have all 3 of them asking for me at once, they understand I'm outnumbered. I went skiing with Ashley last night so Nathan and Emily took care of Kristi by having a slumber party in our bedroom..."movie night".

Hopefully Kristi can do the update tomorrow night. I keep telling her "your fans want to hear from you". :)

Anyway, thank you for all the prayers and never ending support!

Thursday, January 6, 2011: Day 3

Well, day 3 was slightly better than day 2, but still not a good one. Please continue to pray for comfort. I'm out of words for tonight.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011: Not What The Doctor Ordered

When Kristi's doctor said that most people tolerate this chemo fairly well, she forgot Kristi isn't like "most people". Kristi is very unique. Always has been. That's what I love about her. Except when it comes to cancer. I wish she were "normal" when it came to cancer. But she's anything but.

Chemo Day 2: spent in bed or sleeping on the couch, very nauseous and even threw in some dry heaving to top it off. We can't have this. This chemo has to work. It just has to.

Pray with me tonight that these side effects will be very short lived. He can't have her yet; I still need her. With each passing day I'm getting more and more scared. Please pray bold with me tonight. It's not too late for God to work a miracle.

Thank you.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011: Chemo Update

Another short update tonight...Kristi had her first chemo treatment today and all went well. She has been sleeping since she got home but I talked to her a little while ago and she said she just felt a little nauseous but that was it - as it related to the chemo. She still has very bad back pains that force her to take Vicodin on a pretty regular occasion.

Let's pray that tomorrow she will have her energy back and there are no side effects to the chemo.

Thanks

Monday, January 3, 2011: Delinquent

I can't believe the holidays are done and we're off to a new year!

Well, Kristi and I have been delinquent in getting out an update. We have been very busy with the holidays and just have had a lot of things on our minds lately. Anyway, we met with her new oncologist last week and I have to say...what a refreshing change. Dr. VanderWoulde is soooo much more personable and shares so much more information.

At our last visit right before Christmas, she shared the results of Kristi's last CT scan. There was a lot of information in the new scan, but we can summarize it up with this line from the report: "Worsening appearance of metastatic disease".

We decided to try a new chemo. This is one that she hasn't had before but the doctor said most people tolerate it well...so we're encouraged by that. Tomorrow is Kristi's first treatment. The schedule will be 3 weeks on (on Tuesdays) and 1 week off, 3 weeks on 1 week off, 3 weeks on 1 week off, etc.

I need to be short tonight. Hopefully Kristi will be up to updating it tomorrow night.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010: 2011 Calendar

Well, better late than never! We sold quite a few calendars last year and I've had a few people ask if I was going to make one for next year...just been busier than normal lately. Anyway, the 2011 calendar is made up of more pictures from my different adventures. No frills this year - just the picture with some of Kristi's favorite verses she's used in our blog. Take a look...

Christmas 2010

Merry Christmas!!!

Brian & Kristi
Ashley, Nathan & Emily

Tuesday, December 21, 2010: One More Round

In my update on Sunday I typed the lyrics to the song One More Round. I love that song. I can physically be feeling horrible and yet when I listen to that song I feel tough and ready to get back in the ring. As soon as the song is done though I find myself cowering in the corner. I don't want to go "one more round". I don't want to be in the ring. I don't want to be in the building that the ring is in. I don't even want to be in the city of the building that the ring is in.

But, my ways are not His ways and my plans are not His plans. After talking to Dr. VanderWoude this morning we have decided to go "one more round". I will be starting chemo treatments again. Yuck. I am scheduled for a ct scan tomorrow morning and then we'll meet with Dr. VanderWoude next week to discuss the results of that scan and talk a little more about the chemo. I'm not going to start the treatments until next year. I sure wish that was as far away as it sounds but it's actually only two weeks away.

I'm still kinda numb. I knew this day was coming but now that it's here it stinks. On a positive note though now that we've switched doctors I can go to the chemo clinic in Holland.

I'm not sure how I will respond to this treatment (fatigue, nausea, pain, etc.) but I'm anticipating and want to be prepared for the worst. So many people have offered to help and I would like to put together a list so that when the needs arise we will have an organized list of who to call. If you would like to be on this list, please send us an email with how you would like to help (transporting kids, cleaning, running errands, baking, prepare freezer meals - whatever you enjoy doing most). Also, if there is a day of the week that works best for you let us know that as well. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8

Sunday, December 19, 2010: When The Going Gets Tough - The Tough Get Sick?

Wow, I just looked back and realized that I haven't done an update since November. Usually I like to update the blog - to help process what is going through my mind. The past few weeks the thought of sitting at a computer and typing has been too much for me.

I've had friends say they cringe when they see the update is in black because they know Brian typed it and he is the more realistic one - he says it like it is. Also, if he is updating it usually means I am not physically up to it. I wish I could say that since this update is by me it will be a happy, upbeat one but I'd be lying.

To be perfectly honest, right now I am scared. The physical pain is really taking a toll on me. The waiting is driving me bonkers. On top of this I came down with a flu bug on Wednesday night. Thursday I felt like a bomb had gone off inside my head. My only goal was to remain still as possible because I was afraid my head may actually explode.

Thankfully I felt much better on my birthday. It was the best birthday ever! If I typed everything that I did that day this post would go on forever so here's a quick glimpse: Emily slept in (yea!), a friend dropped off a tin of frosted Christmas cookies (yum!), went to see the movie Tangled (cute!) with my mom and Emily, went to lunch with my parents (more yum!), came home to discover that a friend had decorated our front porch with beautiful (BEAUTIFUL!) Christmas decorations and that Brian had come home early from work (woohoo!).

As if the day wasn't going good enough, someone from the Moms In Touch prayer group that has been praying for us stopped by with a huge bag of goodies for our family movie night. A red serving tray, huge popcorn bowl and smaller serving bowls, microwave popcorn, candy canes, pop, hot cocoa, boxes of movie theater style candy, chips and a couple dvd's are just some of the items that were in this bag.

There are days when I hate being "that family" and there are days when I am overwhelmed by the love that is shown to us because we are "that family". Friday I was overwhelmed by the kindness of our community of friends and family.

The best part of the day by far was cuddling up on the couches with lots of blankets, Brian, the kids and the dogs to watch a movie. Rosie was hiding in the other room - yes, she is still with us and available if anyone still needs a last minute Christmas gift! :)

Being crashed on the couch with the family and slipping away from reality was the best gift ever. I went between watching the movie and watching my family. I wish I could have made time stand still right then. As happy and content as I was though the thought "what if" kept pushing its way from the back of my mind. What if that was my last birthday? What if this is my last Christmas? Honestly though - that question goes for any of us. No one knows when their last day will be. It's just when you have cancer that question is constantly running through your mind. Every time you have a new pain you wonder. Every time the phone rings you wonder. Every single minute of every single day - I wonder.

Saturday I still felt pretty good but today I woke up with a horrible headache. I think it is just the end of whatever virus I had last week. My sinus' are clogged, my chest is full of guck, my nose is stuffed up and dripping, my eyes are watering . . . right now I would be the perfect picture for a Nyquil commercial. Well, the "before" picture anyway.

Tuesday morning we meet with Dr. VanderWoude to discuss two chemo treatment options. I can honestly say that I really, really, really do not want to start chemo again. I will though if after talking to the doctor we think that it is the right option for me. Right now I wish I could just wiggle my nose and make it all go away.

I'll end this post with a song that I have listened to so much lately that Emily has even started singing along! It's called One More Round by BarlowGirl (thanks Kathy!!). Here's the link and some of the lyrics:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gjt80iTmg5g

Round one wasn't what I thought it'd be
Round two I'm struggling to breathe
3, 4, 5, 6, 7 times I wondered why I stepped inside this ring

I may be knocked down and bruised
But I'm here to tell you
That I may be knocked down but not for the count

So take me one more round
I'll just keep fighting
One more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here

One more round I'll come out swinging
One more round
I'm telling you now I'm not gonna lose it

It's so hard to get up off the floor again
But I know that victory is when
I'm pushing through the pain that tries to feed me lies that I won't reach the end

I may be bloodied and so bruised
But I'm here to tell you
That I may be knocked down but not for the count

I am not defeated
Though you cannot see it
I have never won a battle on my own
I find strength in weakness
I find hope in believing
God is for me who can bring me down?

Friday, December 17, 2010: Happy Birthday!

happy birthday to you,
(slightly off pitch)

happy birthday to you,
(a little more off pitch and slight squeal)

happy birthday to Kristi,
(going soprano with ear piercing squeal -
animals are scared)

happy birthday to you
(coming back down to human
sound levels but still way off key)

I love you!!

ah yes, don't you miss the '90's?!

(and no, that ain't no stinkin mullet!)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010: Getting Tougher

Monday night Ashley was making plans for a sleep-over after ski club on Friday night. That means we would see her for 20 minutes in the morning, then not again until Saturday afternoon. Normally this would not be a big deal.

Friday is Kristi's birthday. Kristi was obviously hurt by this. But, I reminded Kristi that Ashley's a 13 year old girl and is in an 'it's all about me' phase. That mixed with hormones and whatever else...yikes. After dinner, I quietly motioned for Ashley to come upstairs with me. I was sitting and motioned for her to come sit next to me...she of course just rolled her eyes and stomped over...this after stomping up all the stairs to get to the bedroom. I'm sure Ashley was thinking "another lecture from dad".

Our conversation opens like this..."Ashley, I have to tell you something that is going to hurt. It's going to hurt a lot. And I'm going to be brutally honest." At this point I think she realized this was more than a "dumb lecture".

I continued on with "honey, you need to realize this may be mom's last birthday with us, and last Christmas with us." "What?! I thought you said 5 years!" "Well, the doctors told us '5 years after diagnosis' . Next month will be 4 years." Then the crying and sobbing. Needless to say, we'll be spending Friday night as a family watching a movie on the couch...just as Kristi envisioned.

Game time decisions. That's what we're faced with every day. 30 years from now would Ashley remember "the one ski club" she missed? But would she regret not spending enough time with her mom? Sometimes reality sucks, but sometimes we need a reality check.

I think we'll be seeing a difference in Ashley. I hope and pray that Ashley can maximize her time with Kristi moving forward. Truth is, we don't know how long it will be. But both Kristi and I realize that something not good is happening inside her. She's pretty much in constant discomfort these days. Today she added nausea.

We meet with her new doctor next Tuesday to discuss treatment options. We also got the name of the pain management place that we'll be calling.

We had my work Christmas party tonight including spouses. You know, the one that all the spouses dread going to because "I don't know anyone". Yup, that one. Kristi couldn't go of course. Before I got home from work she had just taken a Vicodin and she was feeling nauseous so I went solo. I have to admit, although there was plenty of laughing at the expense of a few (and not me for once), my thoughts were at home. I didn't stick around much after dinner because I envisioned Kristi at home being miserable. I also have to admit it was tough seeing all the couples and realizing...

All in a day.

Sunday, December 12, 2010: ?

Wasn't sure what to title tonight's entry so I felt ? was good enough. Kinda at a loss for words these days. Kristi's pretty much in constant pain, taking her Vicodin way more than she wants. But the pain in her back is extremely uncomfortable. So we go into "pain management". So I type fragments for sentences. Why? I don't know. It's the creative style coming out in me I guess.

Random thoughts.

Well, here's a not so random thought...Kristi had blood work done last week for genetic testing and a CA125 check. We decided to have genetic testing done to see if Kristi is a carrier of a specific gene for ovarian cancer or if her cancer was just a random occurrence. We won't have those results for about 3 weeks.

We did get her CA125 results last week, however. No surprise: it went up. She was at 551 and she now is at 701. We expect to hear from her new doctor this week and what the new treatment plan is. In the meantime she just has to bear the back pain. Actually, we are going to look into a pain management specialist to see if there is anything else we can try - and yes, we did ask about medical marijuana...jokingly of course. Because it was for me. Actually, I asked. Jokingly, of course. It was voted "in" in the state of Michigan but it's still a federal crime. Don't worry, mom, I wouldn't inhale. We're just not from that generation. Nope, our generation skipped over the pot and went directly to crack. Way quicker. I heard.

But anyway, sometimes my thoughts wander. I hear there's a pill for that. Well, prayers for Kristi's back pain and bloating, her emotional and physical health, our family's emotional health and strength for all of us. I described Kristi and I to a friend recently as we are both physically and mentally exhausted these days. So if we walk right by you in church or where ever don't take it personally. Most days we're like walking zombies. The 4 year battle is taking its toll. Needless to say, we're looking forward to a nice and quiet Christmas break to recharge.

Thanks for your never-ending prayers!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010: Pain

yesterday another bad day for kristi. I think that's 3 or 4 in a row. she had been exchanging 2 good, 2 bad, 2 good, 2 bad. she's been stuck on the bad. I hate seeing her in pain. we can send people into outer space but we can't cure a disease. we can create cars that drive themselves but we can't cure cancer. technology seems to win when it comes to research dollars. that doesn't seem right, fair, humane, ...

the nights are getting longer and the days shorter. literally and figuratively.