Sunday, October 9, 2011

Sunday, October 9, 2011: Emotions

I often get asked "so how are you doing?" or "are you adjusting to your new normal OK?"  Can I be honest with you?  I feel like I can be honest with you.  Well, here's the truth:  life sucks right now.  That's how I feel 99.9% of the time.  Truth is, I haven't moved on;  I can't let go.  The reminders are daily, and multiple times a day.  I waffle back and forth from "it's been 3 months already!" to "it's only been 3 months?!  it seems like forever ago".

Back to that first statement, "it's been 3 months already!".  The memories are still vivid.  The emotions are still raw.  The hurt is still very very real.  Right now I'm in the guilt phase.  Could I have done more?  What if we stayed down the chemo path?  what if I intervened more at Hospice?  what if...

I know, all irrational thoughts, but thoughts and questions I ask myself every day nonetheless.  Just one more hug.  One more kiss.  One more "I love you".  What Kristi and I had was special.  Everyone probably says that about their marriage, but Kristi and I were so meant for each other.  Sure, I have lots of memories and am grateful for the 22 years we shared together, but I just feel like I got jipped out of 20 more.

I started this 2 weeks ago and have so much more to say, but I'll leave that for another post or this will never get posted.