Love. That is the word that keeps coming into my head. Lots and lots of love. There was so much love shining at the fundraiser last night! There was the love of God. Everywhere. And the love of people. So many, many, many people!
We talked to the kids when we got home and although we were exhausted we all had an amazing time. Brian and I were able to separate ourselves somewhat "emotionally" from the fact that everything going on was for our family. I apologize if we seemed "underwhelmed" by the magnitude of everything . . . . it was just so surreal. As we talked to the kids it really started to sink in. We are touched beyond words at the love and support that has been shown to our family.
There are so many people to thank that we don't even know where to begin so for right now I want to focus on the one word that God keeps putting into my head. Love. That is what this all comes back to. God loves you. All of you - yes, each and every single person reading this blog - God loves you. We saw that love in emotional and tangible ways last night in words that can't be described.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-6
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011: Finally An Update
It's been a long week. A weird week. A fast week. Monday's appointment went as well as could be expected. We still have details to finalize but I'm glad that we have a lot of the "pre-planning" done and a lot of decisions made.
I've had some trouble with swelling this week but this morning I think my ankle actually looks normal! I've noticed that my eating habits haven't been great lately . . . lots of comfort food. I know people will tell me to eat what sounds good but in reality what I am eating is directly impacting how I feel so I need to make some better food choices.
On the cold front with the kids I think we're okay . . . just a few sniffles but this crazy weather probably has something to do with that. I loved the sunshine yesterday! I can handle the cold as long as there is blue skies and sunshine with it. Of course warm weather, blue skies and sunshine sound pretty good to me too!
The kids are very excited about the fundraiser tomorrow night. To be honest, Brian and I are a bit anxious. We are so grateful to everyone and all the work that is being put into it. Our anxiety comes from the "reality" that goes along with why we are being blessed with this fundraiser. I know I mentinoed this in my last post but I want to ask once more that when you see us just treat us like we are "normal" and there to celebrate (which we are!!). And we are so thankful - there isn't a word big enough to express our thankfulness!
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7
I've had some trouble with swelling this week but this morning I think my ankle actually looks normal! I've noticed that my eating habits haven't been great lately . . . lots of comfort food. I know people will tell me to eat what sounds good but in reality what I am eating is directly impacting how I feel so I need to make some better food choices.
On the cold front with the kids I think we're okay . . . just a few sniffles but this crazy weather probably has something to do with that. I loved the sunshine yesterday! I can handle the cold as long as there is blue skies and sunshine with it. Of course warm weather, blue skies and sunshine sound pretty good to me too!
The kids are very excited about the fundraiser tomorrow night. To be honest, Brian and I are a bit anxious. We are so grateful to everyone and all the work that is being put into it. Our anxiety comes from the "reality" that goes along with why we are being blessed with this fundraiser. I know I mentinoed this in my last post but I want to ask once more that when you see us just treat us like we are "normal" and there to celebrate (which we are!!). And we are so thankful - there isn't a word big enough to express our thankfulness!
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011: Reality
Reality. I don't much care for that word. As I tried to come up with a title for this post though that was the word that kept popping into my head. This week has a big "reality" coming up for us. First though, I know there are a few people that will appreciate the warning that this post will most likely need a box of kleenex nearby. Sorry. Such is life.
Tomorrow afternoon Brian and I are meeting with a funeral pre-planner. She is coming to our house which is so much nicer than the thought of going to a funeral home. Prayers were clearly answered when we decided which funeral home to go with and we even have a small connection with Sue (who is coming tomorrow) through a family that attends the same church as us. We've heard wonderful things (and have already connected some with her through email) and know without a doubt we are in good hands despite the yucky subject.
We have a lot of preliminary decisions that need to be made. Both Brian and I will be "pre-planning" our funerals. Can I just say that seems insane to type. We think that doing this together will make it easier. We are not "planning" this so it's ready to be done any day now but so that whenever the day comes . . . say forty or fifty years from now . . . . all the paperwork will be done. I am so relieved at the thought of having this burden being taken care of. Just knowing that this yucky task can be checked off the "to-do" list will be a weight lifted. However, we still need to get through tomorrow's appointment.
Another reality this week is the fundraiser on Saturday. We have not been allowed to help in any way, shape or form with this. There are some awesome friends behind all this (who would shoot me if I name them but I think most of you know who they are!). I know there is an entire team of people that are pulling this all together and I know it is going to be an amazing night.
The donations that are coming in already are just phenomenal. We are humbled beyond words. Every day donations are made online and every day our jaws drop to the floor in awe and humbleness. It is so obvious that God is working through the hands and feet of this community and providing in ways for us beyond our wildest dreams.
We are planning on being at the fundraiser on Saturday and the kids are so very excited about it! It is a very strange thing for us though. We would rather be the people planning and helping with the fundraiser . . . . for another family. . . it's very different being on the receiving end. Very humbling and hard to explain.
I'm not even sure how to explain this odd request so I guess I will just say what is in my heart. When you see our family at the auction, please just treat us like we are anyone else that is there. Please don't make a big deal about the fact that we are there - we want the kids to focus on having a good time and not let the reality of why everyone is there bring their moods down. It's very surreal for us. We would love for this to just be a awesome time of celebration of God's provision through an amazing group of people. I hope that makes sense?
A quick physical update - I am still having some swelling in my ankle and also some more back pain. Nothing that is extreme and nothing that has me overly worried.
An update on Brian - his sleep apnea has been a bit worse lately. Quite often during the night I will wake up and hear him struggling to get air through his lungs. His body must be exhausted in the morning based on the sounds of his breathing - it sounds like he is using every once of energy just to get air to go through his lungs. I am sure stress is playing a part in this!
We seem to have a small bug going through the house right now with the kids - just some congestion and nothing too bad. Hopefully it will end with that . . . Ashley starts soccer tomorrow and will need all the energy she can get!! :)
Okay so this post has gone on and on so I will wrap it up now. Tomorrow our appointment is at 1:30 and we would love prayers for peace, wisdom and guidance. Tough and awkward and uncomfortable decisions need to be made.
Please also pray for the many people involved with the fundraiser this week . . . I know the last minute details can bring a lot of stress and a lot of details need to fall into place. God is in charge of all these details and He will take care of it all but please pray for everyone involved that His unexplainable peace will be experienced by all.
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19
Tomorrow afternoon Brian and I are meeting with a funeral pre-planner. She is coming to our house which is so much nicer than the thought of going to a funeral home. Prayers were clearly answered when we decided which funeral home to go with and we even have a small connection with Sue (who is coming tomorrow) through a family that attends the same church as us. We've heard wonderful things (and have already connected some with her through email) and know without a doubt we are in good hands despite the yucky subject.
We have a lot of preliminary decisions that need to be made. Both Brian and I will be "pre-planning" our funerals. Can I just say that seems insane to type. We think that doing this together will make it easier. We are not "planning" this so it's ready to be done any day now but so that whenever the day comes . . . say forty or fifty years from now . . . . all the paperwork will be done. I am so relieved at the thought of having this burden being taken care of. Just knowing that this yucky task can be checked off the "to-do" list will be a weight lifted. However, we still need to get through tomorrow's appointment.
Another reality this week is the fundraiser on Saturday. We have not been allowed to help in any way, shape or form with this. There are some awesome friends behind all this (who would shoot me if I name them but I think most of you know who they are!). I know there is an entire team of people that are pulling this all together and I know it is going to be an amazing night.
The donations that are coming in already are just phenomenal. We are humbled beyond words. Every day donations are made online and every day our jaws drop to the floor in awe and humbleness. It is so obvious that God is working through the hands and feet of this community and providing in ways for us beyond our wildest dreams.
We are planning on being at the fundraiser on Saturday and the kids are so very excited about it! It is a very strange thing for us though. We would rather be the people planning and helping with the fundraiser . . . . for another family. . . it's very different being on the receiving end. Very humbling and hard to explain.
I'm not even sure how to explain this odd request so I guess I will just say what is in my heart. When you see our family at the auction, please just treat us like we are anyone else that is there. Please don't make a big deal about the fact that we are there - we want the kids to focus on having a good time and not let the reality of why everyone is there bring their moods down. It's very surreal for us. We would love for this to just be a awesome time of celebration of God's provision through an amazing group of people. I hope that makes sense?
A quick physical update - I am still having some swelling in my ankle and also some more back pain. Nothing that is extreme and nothing that has me overly worried.
An update on Brian - his sleep apnea has been a bit worse lately. Quite often during the night I will wake up and hear him struggling to get air through his lungs. His body must be exhausted in the morning based on the sounds of his breathing - it sounds like he is using every once of energy just to get air to go through his lungs. I am sure stress is playing a part in this!
We seem to have a small bug going through the house right now with the kids - just some congestion and nothing too bad. Hopefully it will end with that . . . Ashley starts soccer tomorrow and will need all the energy she can get!! :)
Okay so this post has gone on and on so I will wrap it up now. Tomorrow our appointment is at 1:30 and we would love prayers for peace, wisdom and guidance. Tough and awkward and uncomfortable decisions need to be made.
Please also pray for the many people involved with the fundraiser this week . . . I know the last minute details can bring a lot of stress and a lot of details need to fall into place. God is in charge of all these details and He will take care of it all but please pray for everyone involved that His unexplainable peace will be experienced by all.
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011: Random Thoughts by Kristi
Brian informed me last night that it has been a while since I've posted an update. So, here I am :) I have been doing really well lately and God has been sharing a lot with me. I've actually created a couple new blogs but they are private blogs (more like journals for me) where I have been writing everything down. Some day I may share but for now I'm still learning and it's just between me and Him.
Physically I have had a little more back pain recently but I am still able to keep it under control with the pain pills. A new development I'm having is some swelling in my ankles. This started a couple days ago. I'm pretty sure it is because I was standing up too long. I've been keeping my feet elevated and it is getting better. My Hospice nurse will be here this afternoon and I'm sure she will have some advice for me.
Emotionally I have been extremely peaceful. I am mentally in a very good place. I will be honest and say the swelling in my ankles does have me a little bit concerned but not too bad.
On another note . . . I have to brag about my little brother. Kevin designed the cover for this months on-the-town magazine. And I am so excited about the fact that I was able to download and post it all by myself!!!
Playing off the optical illusion of flipping an image so the person is either smiling or frowning, author, musician, and artist Kevin Kammeraad created this month’s cover. The medical scan is that of his sister, who has been battling cancer for more than four years. When the cover is upside down, it appears the monkey is thinking about cancer, which is why the monkey is frowning. “I also found it interesting that one of my most popular songs over the years is the song ‘Up and Down Frowns,’” Kammeraad said. For more on the artist, turn to page 13 or visit Kammeraad’s website, http://www.tomatocollection.com/
They wrote an awesome article on him . . . of course how can it not be awesome when the subject (meaning Kevin of course) is awesome??
Okay so that is my random post for today. Emotionally good. Physically okay but would like to see some normal ankles again. My brother rocks.
Physically I have had a little more back pain recently but I am still able to keep it under control with the pain pills. A new development I'm having is some swelling in my ankles. This started a couple days ago. I'm pretty sure it is because I was standing up too long. I've been keeping my feet elevated and it is getting better. My Hospice nurse will be here this afternoon and I'm sure she will have some advice for me.
Emotionally I have been extremely peaceful. I am mentally in a very good place. I will be honest and say the swelling in my ankles does have me a little bit concerned but not too bad.
On another note . . . I have to brag about my little brother. Kevin designed the cover for this months on-the-town magazine. And I am so excited about the fact that I was able to download and post it all by myself!!!
Playing off the optical illusion of flipping an image so the person is either smiling or frowning, author, musician, and artist Kevin Kammeraad created this month’s cover. The medical scan is that of his sister, who has been battling cancer for more than four years. When the cover is upside down, it appears the monkey is thinking about cancer, which is why the monkey is frowning. “I also found it interesting that one of my most popular songs over the years is the song ‘Up and Down Frowns,’” Kammeraad said. For more on the artist, turn to page 13 or visit Kammeraad’s website, http://www.tomatocollection.com/
They wrote an awesome article on him . . . of course how can it not be awesome when the subject (meaning Kevin of course) is awesome??
Okay so that is my random post for today. Emotionally good. Physically okay but would like to see some normal ankles again. My brother rocks.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011: One Month Ago
February 9, 2011. The date we were told Kristi has less than 6 months to share with us. That would mean only 5 left. Apparently the cancer forgot who it's messin' with because if you've seen Kristi lately you'd say what I was sayin a month ago - ain't no way! No way, no how.
She is lookin' great and as long as she stays on top of her meds she feels fine too! Her Hospice nurse has her on a new steroid and it really has given her a much needed boost of energy. So life isn't half bad right now. That's why it's so hard for me to imagine putting a time limit on this thing. Ultimately, it's God who will decide when the time is right. Not us, not the doctor, not the cancer. No one. No one but God that is. And that can be said of all of us, right?! I was reading this article about "Understanding God's Time". It really is a fascinating article. Here's a link to it if you're into reading thought provoking articles: http://members.tnns.net/wordweb/msg3.htm.
Anyway, I just wanted to get an update out there and journal where we're at today, "one month after". Today, we are feeling very blessed. Blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people in an amazing community. We are feeling very peaceful.
Thanks for sharing with us!
.
She is lookin' great and as long as she stays on top of her meds she feels fine too! Her Hospice nurse has her on a new steroid and it really has given her a much needed boost of energy. So life isn't half bad right now. That's why it's so hard for me to imagine putting a time limit on this thing. Ultimately, it's God who will decide when the time is right. Not us, not the doctor, not the cancer. No one. No one but God that is. And that can be said of all of us, right?! I was reading this article about "Understanding God's Time". It really is a fascinating article. Here's a link to it if you're into reading thought provoking articles: http://members.tnns.net/wordweb/msg3.htm.
Anyway, I just wanted to get an update out there and journal where we're at today, "one month after". Today, we are feeling very blessed. Blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people in an amazing community. We are feeling very peaceful.
Thanks for sharing with us!
.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011: Shouting in the Silence
Just over a month ago I sat in a doctors office and was told that I have six months to live. That was a tough day. I've had so many things go through my mind since that day. I've also been through many different physical symptoms. At one point I was in bed most of the time and experiencing a lot of pain (physical and emotional). People were doing everything for us. Everything.
Since then though I have been able to manage my physical pain fairly well and have been feeling quite restless. I know God is still calling me to "be still" in so many ways. I have gotten to the point that I am starting to feel useless. There are so many people in life overwhelmed right now that would love to just have a day to just be still. That's when the guilt kicks in. And the voices - oh the voices are running like crazy through what should be a silent mind.
This morning I pulled out my Jesus Calling devotional book and went to today's devotion. I haven't read this book in a while but God's timing was perfect as always. Here's what He told me today:
I love you for who you are, not for what you do. Many voices vie for control of your mind, especially when you sit in silence. You must learn to discern what is My voice and what is not. Ask My Spirit to give you this discernment. Many of My children run around in circles, trying to obey the various voices directing their lives. This results in fragmented, frustrating patterns of living. Do not fall into this trap. Walk closely with Me each moment, listening for My directives and enjoying My companionship. Refuse to let other voices tie you up in knows. My sheep know My voice and follow Me wherever I lead.
One of the bible verses this devotional referenced was John 10:1-5 . . . here is how it is translated in The Message . . . . .
"Let me set this before you as plainly as I can. If a person climbs over or through the fence of a sheep pen instead of going through the gate, you know he's up to no good—a sheep rustler! The shepherd walks right up to the gate. The gatekeeper opens the gate to him and the sheep recognize his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he gets them all out, he leads them and they follow because they are familiar with his voice. They won't follow a stranger's voice but will scatter because they aren't used to the sound of it."
Right now the silence is almost deafening. I know my Shepherd's voice but there are so many other voices trying really hard right now to sound just like His. This morning though my Shepherd shouted this devotional to me in my silence and reminded me once again . . to enjoy my companionship with Him . . . . and to be still.
Since then though I have been able to manage my physical pain fairly well and have been feeling quite restless. I know God is still calling me to "be still" in so many ways. I have gotten to the point that I am starting to feel useless. There are so many people in life overwhelmed right now that would love to just have a day to just be still. That's when the guilt kicks in. And the voices - oh the voices are running like crazy through what should be a silent mind.
This morning I pulled out my Jesus Calling devotional book and went to today's devotion. I haven't read this book in a while but God's timing was perfect as always. Here's what He told me today:
I love you for who you are, not for what you do. Many voices vie for control of your mind, especially when you sit in silence. You must learn to discern what is My voice and what is not. Ask My Spirit to give you this discernment. Many of My children run around in circles, trying to obey the various voices directing their lives. This results in fragmented, frustrating patterns of living. Do not fall into this trap. Walk closely with Me each moment, listening for My directives and enjoying My companionship. Refuse to let other voices tie you up in knows. My sheep know My voice and follow Me wherever I lead.
One of the bible verses this devotional referenced was John 10:1-5 . . . here is how it is translated in The Message . . . . .
"Let me set this before you as plainly as I can. If a person climbs over or through the fence of a sheep pen instead of going through the gate, you know he's up to no good—a sheep rustler! The shepherd walks right up to the gate. The gatekeeper opens the gate to him and the sheep recognize his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he gets them all out, he leads them and they follow because they are familiar with his voice. They won't follow a stranger's voice but will scatter because they aren't used to the sound of it."
Right now the silence is almost deafening. I know my Shepherd's voice but there are so many other voices trying really hard right now to sound just like His. This morning though my Shepherd shouted this devotional to me in my silence and reminded me once again . . to enjoy my companionship with Him . . . . and to be still.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011: Fund Raiser Details
In yesterday's update I mentioned a fund raiser that is being planned for us . . . if you are interested in more details, click on the picture:
Still surreal. Still at a loss. Still hard to believe we are "that family". Still so humbled beyond words.
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| Click on the picture |
Still surreal. Still at a loss. Still hard to believe we are "that family". Still so humbled beyond words.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011: Surreal Says It All
I am really struggling lately but it's a very different kind of struggle. It's guilt. We have been blessed beyond blessed from family, friends and strangers - church, community and school. All of are needs are being taken care of. And now an amazing fund raiser is being put on for us. It just seems so surreal. I'm fine. There isn't anything wrong with me. Okay so I take more pain pills than the average person and I occasionally ride around in a wheelchair named "Breezy". I do have quite a few scars running up and down my stomach - battle wounds! Yeah, so a doctor may have told me I have less than six months to live. Whatever. Right now it just doesn't seem real. My pain medications seems to have my pain under control pretty good these days. I don't have the energy I used to have (not that I ever really had much to begin with!). It just seems really weird though reading what people are saying about our family. It just seems like they must be talking about any other family than ours.
Now that I'm physically feeling better than I was a few weeks ago it has been harder for me to "be still". I am still making a point of it though and am learning so many, many things. I don't know where God is going with everything but it's not mine to know - it's mine to learn - day by day.
I guess for now I just wanted to say a huge thank you. Know that the time, gifts, prayers, love, energy and everything else that you have invested in our family are so much appreciated.
I know there are many people that would like to visit and I will be getting to that point soon. Thank you for your patience :)
Now that I'm physically feeling better than I was a few weeks ago it has been harder for me to "be still". I am still making a point of it though and am learning so many, many things. I don't know where God is going with everything but it's not mine to know - it's mine to learn - day by day.
I guess for now I just wanted to say a huge thank you. Know that the time, gifts, prayers, love, energy and everything else that you have invested in our family are so much appreciated.
I know there are many people that would like to visit and I will be getting to that point soon. Thank you for your patience :)
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011: Surreal
I was talking with a friend recently and we were both commenting on how surreal this all is. I mean, Kristi is right here. Here and now. Saturday she went to a play with the kids then later to a movie with her sister and her kids. Sunday we went to church and after church just came home and vegg'ed out..."normalness". How can it be?! Just how can it be?
That's from the outside looking in. Kristi is still pretty uncomfortable. She is "managing" her pain. That means she has been doing a pretty decent job at mixing up the Vicodin and the morphine drops. That's anything but "normal". As long as she keeps herself drugged she can tolerate the pain. That doesn't mean the pain is little or subtle, just means she has managed to tolerate it. She's pretty weak now, maneuvering around via Breezy (her wheelchair). She's getting used to that as well...and finding which stores are handicap friendly and which are not. So far, Kohl's of Holland loses the "handicap friendly" competition. Aisles are too skinny!
Kristi was going to try to get an update in tonight but she didn't have it in her. The days usually take their toll on her by evening. She was pretty tired tonight, and admittedly "grumpy". We don't mind a "grumpy" mom though. She has every right to be grumpy...we love her any way she is.
Anyway, hopefully Kristi will have it in her to update soon.
And again we just want to say THANK YOU to everyone. Everyone is helping out in their own way and we appreciate it all. Thank you so much! God has blessed us with many great friends and family!
That's from the outside looking in. Kristi is still pretty uncomfortable. She is "managing" her pain. That means she has been doing a pretty decent job at mixing up the Vicodin and the morphine drops. That's anything but "normal". As long as she keeps herself drugged she can tolerate the pain. That doesn't mean the pain is little or subtle, just means she has managed to tolerate it. She's pretty weak now, maneuvering around via Breezy (her wheelchair). She's getting used to that as well...and finding which stores are handicap friendly and which are not. So far, Kohl's of Holland loses the "handicap friendly" competition. Aisles are too skinny!
Kristi was going to try to get an update in tonight but she didn't have it in her. The days usually take their toll on her by evening. She was pretty tired tonight, and admittedly "grumpy". We don't mind a "grumpy" mom though. She has every right to be grumpy...we love her any way she is.
Anyway, hopefully Kristi will have it in her to update soon.
And again we just want to say THANK YOU to everyone. Everyone is helping out in their own way and we appreciate it all. Thank you so much! God has blessed us with many great friends and family!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011: Doing Better
We've made some medication adjustments and I have been able to control my pain - yea! Emotionally though I am all over the place. I met with my "chemo club" this morning (the most awesome group of cancer survivors ever!). I wanted to freeze time when I was with them. We laughed so hard we cried. A few hours later though I was in bed crying but this time it wasn't from laughing. To be honest - there are moments where I just want to turn in my "resignation". This letting go of things is sooooooo hard. Gut wrenching hard. I say I'm not giving up but honestly there are moments when I want to.
This afternoon I caught up on my devotionals from the book Streams in the Desert and then read the bible. It is amazing how quickly that restores me soul. It gives me purpose and strength. I don't know what God has planned for me but I do know if I spend my time hiding in bed with the covers over my head I'm not going to be prepared for it. I've got quite a spiritual battle going on in my mind. If God is up to something big then I know Satan is up to no good. He'd like nothing better than for me to give up and hide under the covers.
I spend too much time reading emails, blogs and on facebook. It is so easy to do and I end up feeling worn out afterwards. After I read the bible I am filled up. Why is is so hard to make the right choice of reading material? And how I spend my time?
I would love prayers for discipline on how I use my time. Prayers of praise for less pain and also prayers for wisdom with medication decisions. Prayers for patience for Brian - I can't imagine how difficult it must be for him. We have been blessed with a huge outpouring of support in more ways than I can list but it ultimately all lands on him - all the decisions, all the choices, everything. The kids are doing very well all things considered. Ashley got hit pretty hard with a flu bug today - pray that this bug flies away fast and skips the rest of us on it's way out the door!
I'll end with a part of a devotion I read today:
We will laugh at seemingly impossible situations while we watch with delight to see how God is going to open a path through our Red Sea. It is in these places of severe testing, with no human way out of our difficulty, that our faith grows and is strengthened.
This afternoon I caught up on my devotionals from the book Streams in the Desert and then read the bible. It is amazing how quickly that restores me soul. It gives me purpose and strength. I don't know what God has planned for me but I do know if I spend my time hiding in bed with the covers over my head I'm not going to be prepared for it. I've got quite a spiritual battle going on in my mind. If God is up to something big then I know Satan is up to no good. He'd like nothing better than for me to give up and hide under the covers.
I spend too much time reading emails, blogs and on facebook. It is so easy to do and I end up feeling worn out afterwards. After I read the bible I am filled up. Why is is so hard to make the right choice of reading material? And how I spend my time?
I would love prayers for discipline on how I use my time. Prayers of praise for less pain and also prayers for wisdom with medication decisions. Prayers for patience for Brian - I can't imagine how difficult it must be for him. We have been blessed with a huge outpouring of support in more ways than I can list but it ultimately all lands on him - all the decisions, all the choices, everything. The kids are doing very well all things considered. Ashley got hit pretty hard with a flu bug today - pray that this bug flies away fast and skips the rest of us on it's way out the door!
I'll end with a part of a devotion I read today:
We will laugh at seemingly impossible situations while we watch with delight to see how God is going to open a path through our Red Sea. It is in these places of severe testing, with no human way out of our difficulty, that our faith grows and is strengthened.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011: Not Great
I've been waiting to update because I was hoping that Kristi would have been feeling better by now. Her morphine drops just don't seem to be working as effectively as the Vicodin was. Last night she took some Vicodin again to see if that would help with her pain. She still has a considerable amount of pain in her back and is extremely fatigued 24/7. She's been tossing and turning at night because she is so uncomfortable. Please keep your prayers coming for her back pain. She is miserable and it's so hard to watch her in so much pain. I'll update this weekend and hopefully have better news. Thanks so much!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011: Valentine's Day
I had a blog entry all typed up but it was even too depressing for me to read...so I deleted it. I think you get the idea. Valentine's Day. Another day that goes on the list of "lasts". I'll just leave it at that. Lots of emotions pouring out over the keyboard tonight. Oh well, Valentine's Day was never a big deal for us anyway. In the (almost) 18 years of marriage I think we celebrated Valentine's Day the first 2 years. Then we woke up and recognized the day for what it was - a brilliant marketing scam by a few huge corporations. Don't even get me started on that other "holiday" - sweetest day. Give me a break.
Well, on that note, happy Valentine's Day.
Well, on that note, happy Valentine's Day.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011: The 3rd and last and hardest to swallow bite
So why Hospice? Why now? Well, Kristi asked Dr. VanderWoude "how long?". Dr. VanderWoude shared her opinion with us but I still haven't come to grips with it. Maybe I'm in denial, but I just don't buy it. She said 6 months but I can't believe that. 6 months doesn't work for us. That would fall right between Ashley and Nathan's birthdays and well, that just ain't gunna work.
Honestly, it's hard for me to come to grips with any amount of time. I can still talk with her, laugh with her, touch her, see her, smell her, make her mad, make her giggle, heck, we even went on a double date last night! So 6 months?! Nope. Say what you want, just don't say 6 months. But what about 9 months? a year? 15 months? Frankly, all of those options suck. If this were multiple choice I'd be looking for the D) None of the above.
But, taking her advice, we did get things started with Hospice. And can I just say, what a wonderful organization! When people hear of Hospice, they generally associate them with "end of life". They are so much more! We met with 2 nurses Thursday for more of a "welcome to Hospice" type visit. Then on Friday we met our nurse who will be visiting weekly. All of them were just wonderful. Very friendly, compassionate, good Christian people. They presented everything very eloquently, considering what they were sharing with us after all. 4 hours after they were here Kristi's wheelchair showed up. If you hear or read us referring to "Breezy", that's Kristi's wheelchair's name. Monogrammed on the back in yellow letters. So Breezy it is!
Speaking of morphine, Kristi is now on a low dose of morphine to try to mask her pain. We're still trying to get the dosage figured out yet so a couple of painful days for her. Kristi, the most straight-laced of all teenagers, the most angelic mother and most inspirational woman to many, is 'doing' morphine. Talk about irony.
After Dr. WanderWoude's visit last week we just came home and sat on the couch. The kids were all at school so the house was very still. It was a bit surreal. We've just been told my wife has 6 months to live, we're sitting on the couch looking through funeral home information, and Kristi says "I think I want the ala carte package." I said "uh uh, no way. There is not a funeral package called 'ala carte'." Yup, there is. We start laughing. Laughing. What the heck, if you can't laugh in a situation like this you'll go insane. "I'll take one of these, 2 of those thingies, 4 of that, and what the heck, throw in some of those for good measure." Wow, talk about a full service funeral home!
Kristi has chosen the funeral home in which she would like to...use? (not sure what to say there). Use? Doesn't sound right. We're not sharing that at this point because that seems so final. Just not willing to call it 'game over'. We still have fight. I'm not going to say she's stubborn (that would be on the list of things not to say to your wife), but she is just too damn stubborn to give up! She will fight this cancer with every ounce of her 105 pounds! (that makes up for the stubborn comment).
My intent with this post was to share the news; but share it in a way where you, the reader, don't lose hope. We're not giving up, and we'll need your prayers now more than ever. As bitter as it may taste, it's reality. Yes, we cried when we heard the news and I'm sure some of you may be crying. It's OK to cry. Well, unless you're in a restaurant full of construction workers, then you pretend you got some pepper in your eyes. But other than that one exception, it's OK to cry. We all need to cry. If you can't cry during a time like this than you must already be dead. So cry with us. Be mad with us. It's all good. But...you must also laugh with us. Promise us not to stop laughing with us.
These next few weeks and months are going to be very challenging for the entire family. As we prepare for having a hospital bed in our living room eventually, I'm scrambling now to finish our basement that flooded nearly 2 years ago. Well, not just "me", I have the help of many many wonderful friends. I'm sure we'll get this basement done in no time! Then the kids can finally have their basement back...and we can have someplace to send them to when we want snuggle time on the couch! :)
We have shared this news with the kids. Of course they took it hard but rebounded as usual. I'm sure as Kristi gets worse it will sink in more for the kids. Right now Kristi seems pretty 'normal' so it's hard for the kids to grasp what's going on. So we are enjoying these days as much as we can.
Kristi is having a very difficult time with her senses. She is becoming very sensory sensitive. Noise, light, crowded or tight spaces, and even people just being close to her makes her very anxious; anxious to the point of nausea. Her blood counts are also very low and will continue to drop so she is very susceptible to catching any airborne illnesses.
So keeping that context in mind, I'll end with this...if you see her at school, at church, in the store or wherever, please refrain from getting too close. A gentle rub on the shoulder will work just great in the place of a hug. Please, no hugs! There are no exceptions. I know, I know. Easier said than done. She is just so stinking adorable, but you have to restrain yourself. She will also be avoiding any skin to skin contact as much as possible. So if she doesn't return a hand shake please don't be offended. Please help us by not attempting any hugs or hand shakes. We need to all work together to keep her as healthy as possible. The last thing she needs is a respiratory infection.
I think that was my longest post. Sorry to be so long, but how do you share information like this and not be?! Thanks for hanging in there and reading it all (assuming you're still with me). :) We'll keep you posted as things come up. In the meantime, have a blessed week and please keep our family in your never-ceasing and always felt prayers.
Honestly, it's hard for me to come to grips with any amount of time. I can still talk with her, laugh with her, touch her, see her, smell her, make her mad, make her giggle, heck, we even went on a double date last night! So 6 months?! Nope. Say what you want, just don't say 6 months. But what about 9 months? a year? 15 months? Frankly, all of those options suck. If this were multiple choice I'd be looking for the D) None of the above.
But, taking her advice, we did get things started with Hospice. And can I just say, what a wonderful organization! When people hear of Hospice, they generally associate them with "end of life". They are so much more! We met with 2 nurses Thursday for more of a "welcome to Hospice" type visit. Then on Friday we met our nurse who will be visiting weekly. All of them were just wonderful. Very friendly, compassionate, good Christian people. They presented everything very eloquently, considering what they were sharing with us after all. 4 hours after they were here Kristi's wheelchair showed up. If you hear or read us referring to "Breezy", that's Kristi's wheelchair's name. Monogrammed on the back in yellow letters. So Breezy it is!
Speaking of morphine, Kristi is now on a low dose of morphine to try to mask her pain. We're still trying to get the dosage figured out yet so a couple of painful days for her. Kristi, the most straight-laced of all teenagers, the most angelic mother and most inspirational woman to many, is 'doing' morphine. Talk about irony.
After Dr. WanderWoude's visit last week we just came home and sat on the couch. The kids were all at school so the house was very still. It was a bit surreal. We've just been told my wife has 6 months to live, we're sitting on the couch looking through funeral home information, and Kristi says "I think I want the ala carte package." I said "uh uh, no way. There is not a funeral package called 'ala carte'." Yup, there is. We start laughing. Laughing. What the heck, if you can't laugh in a situation like this you'll go insane. "I'll take one of these, 2 of those thingies, 4 of that, and what the heck, throw in some of those for good measure." Wow, talk about a full service funeral home!
Kristi has chosen the funeral home in which she would like to...use? (not sure what to say there). Use? Doesn't sound right. We're not sharing that at this point because that seems so final. Just not willing to call it 'game over'. We still have fight. I'm not going to say she's stubborn (that would be on the list of things not to say to your wife), but she is just too damn stubborn to give up! She will fight this cancer with every ounce of her 105 pounds! (that makes up for the stubborn comment).
My intent with this post was to share the news; but share it in a way where you, the reader, don't lose hope. We're not giving up, and we'll need your prayers now more than ever. As bitter as it may taste, it's reality. Yes, we cried when we heard the news and I'm sure some of you may be crying. It's OK to cry. Well, unless you're in a restaurant full of construction workers, then you pretend you got some pepper in your eyes. But other than that one exception, it's OK to cry. We all need to cry. If you can't cry during a time like this than you must already be dead. So cry with us. Be mad with us. It's all good. But...you must also laugh with us. Promise us not to stop laughing with us.
These next few weeks and months are going to be very challenging for the entire family. As we prepare for having a hospital bed in our living room eventually, I'm scrambling now to finish our basement that flooded nearly 2 years ago. Well, not just "me", I have the help of many many wonderful friends. I'm sure we'll get this basement done in no time! Then the kids can finally have their basement back...and we can have someplace to send them to when we want snuggle time on the couch! :)
We have shared this news with the kids. Of course they took it hard but rebounded as usual. I'm sure as Kristi gets worse it will sink in more for the kids. Right now Kristi seems pretty 'normal' so it's hard for the kids to grasp what's going on. So we are enjoying these days as much as we can.
Kristi is having a very difficult time with her senses. She is becoming very sensory sensitive. Noise, light, crowded or tight spaces, and even people just being close to her makes her very anxious; anxious to the point of nausea. Her blood counts are also very low and will continue to drop so she is very susceptible to catching any airborne illnesses.
So keeping that context in mind, I'll end with this...if you see her at school, at church, in the store or wherever, please refrain from getting too close. A gentle rub on the shoulder will work just great in the place of a hug. Please, no hugs! There are no exceptions. I know, I know. Easier said than done. She is just so stinking adorable, but you have to restrain yourself. She will also be avoiding any skin to skin contact as much as possible. So if she doesn't return a hand shake please don't be offended. Please help us by not attempting any hugs or hand shakes. We need to all work together to keep her as healthy as possible. The last thing she needs is a respiratory infection.
I think that was my longest post. Sorry to be so long, but how do you share information like this and not be?! Thanks for hanging in there and reading it all (assuming you're still with me). :) We'll keep you posted as things come up. In the meantime, have a blessed week and please keep our family in your never-ceasing and always felt prayers.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011: A Big, Bitter, Nasty Bite
Time for another "bite" of the elephant. This one is a big one. This is the kind of bite that you know is too big but you stuff it in your mouth anyway. It's so huge that you can't even attempt to chew it without fear of it falling out of your mouth. And yet at the same time it is so bitter you want nothing more than to spit it back out.
This bite is Hospice. They are coming today for our initial appointment. I knew this day would eventually come but I didn't think it would be here so soon. It's a big, bitter, nasty bite but it's time to take this bite. Underneath the bitterness though there is sweetness. That sweetness is that God is in control and He is very clearly guiding our path right now.
We have been getting and I'm sure will continue to receive a lot of phone calls and emails. I know this stinks and it is hard and it is so difficult to grasp. I know that you all want to fix this and make it go away. I know that there are alternative therapies and other options out there. We are not quitting or giving up ~ we are letting go and letting God. I don't know what His plans are for me but I do know He's up to something good. It is a moment by moment struggle for me to just let go but God has made it crystal clear to me that it is time for me to "be still". There is a constant battle going on inside my mind right now but the two words that come through the most often are "be still".
This bite is Hospice. They are coming today for our initial appointment. I knew this day would eventually come but I didn't think it would be here so soon. It's a big, bitter, nasty bite but it's time to take this bite. Underneath the bitterness though there is sweetness. That sweetness is that God is in control and He is very clearly guiding our path right now.
We have been getting and I'm sure will continue to receive a lot of phone calls and emails. I know this stinks and it is hard and it is so difficult to grasp. I know that you all want to fix this and make it go away. I know that there are alternative therapies and other options out there. We are not quitting or giving up ~ we are letting go and letting God. I don't know what His plans are for me but I do know He's up to something good. It is a moment by moment struggle for me to just let go but God has made it crystal clear to me that it is time for me to "be still". There is a constant battle going on inside my mind right now but the two words that come through the most often are "be still".
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14
“Be still, and know that I am God". Psalm 46:10
Being still is physically and emotionally exhausting. I wish I had the energy to visit with people but right now simply being still is all I can focus on and is all that God wants me to focus on. Please don't be offended by the "no visitors" sign on our front door or if I am not able to return your phone call or email right away. So many things are crying out for my attention right now but God is telling me to focus on one thing . . .
As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42
“Be still, and know that I am God". Psalm 46:10
Being still is physically and emotionally exhausting. I wish I had the energy to visit with people but right now simply being still is all I can focus on and is all that God wants me to focus on. Please don't be offended by the "no visitors" sign on our front door or if I am not able to return your phone call or email right away. So many things are crying out for my attention right now but God is telling me to focus on one thing . . .
As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Wednesday, February 9,2011: How Do You Eat An Elephant?
Have you ever heard the question - how do you eat an elephant? In case you haven't, the answer is "one bite at a time".
We received some difficult news this morning at my doctor's appointment that we are still processing.
So now you're thinking what does eating an elephant have to do with processing bad news? It's the answer "one bite at a time". That is how we are processing the bad news - one bite at a time.
This is also how we will share the news. Tonight's "bite" is that we have decided to stop chemo treatments. We feel very peaceful about this decision. We are shedding a lot of tears and struggling a great deal with the things that we need to do next but underneath all of it, we have peace.
We received some difficult news this morning at my doctor's appointment that we are still processing.
So now you're thinking what does eating an elephant have to do with processing bad news? It's the answer "one bite at a time". That is how we are processing the bad news - one bite at a time.
This is also how we will share the news. Tonight's "bite" is that we have decided to stop chemo treatments. We feel very peaceful about this decision. We are shedding a lot of tears and struggling a great deal with the things that we need to do next but underneath all of it, we have peace.
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14
Friday, February 4, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011: Let Go and Let God
Proverbs 3:5-6 is still running through my mind. Specifically verse six and even more specifically ~ the word "acknowledge". It seems like it should be a simple word but I'm having a hard time trying to understand what God wants me to take away from this verse. Here are a few definitions of the word acknowledge: to admit the existence, reality, or truth of ~ to recognize as being valid ~ to express recognition of ~ to express thanks or gratitude for. Hmmm, it is pretty simple - God, you are real, you are the truth, you are everything and there isn't a word that exists that could express my gratitude. Why is it so easy for me to type this and blog about this but so hard to talk about in day to day conversations?
Here are a couple different translations of verse six: In all your ways acknowledge Him (NASB) ~ In all your ways submit to Him (NIV) ~Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go (The Message) ~In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him (Amplified Bible). Always let him lead you, and he will clear the road for you to follow. (Contemporary English Version). All different translations that all come back to the same thing . . . "let go and let God".
God I trust you with every ounce of my being. I don't want to live this life you have given me by leaning on my own limited understanding. I want to acknowledge you first in everything I do (but I am failing miserably - please help me). I know that is the only way I can stay on the path that you have carved out for me. Proverbs 3:5-6 . . . . translation "me"
Here are a couple different translations of verse six: In all your ways acknowledge Him (NASB) ~ In all your ways submit to Him (NIV) ~Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go (The Message) ~In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him (Amplified Bible). Always let him lead you, and he will clear the road for you to follow. (Contemporary English Version). All different translations that all come back to the same thing . . . "let go and let God".
God I trust you with every ounce of my being. I don't want to live this life you have given me by leaning on my own limited understanding. I want to acknowledge you first in everything I do (but I am failing miserably - please help me). I know that is the only way I can stay on the path that you have carved out for me. Proverbs 3:5-6 . . . . translation "me"
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011: Acknowledging Him
This morning I woke up with Proverbs 3:5-6 running through my head - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." I was encouraged by this and thought it was a great way to start the day. And then I got out of bed . . . .
The first thing I saw was snow. Lots and lots of snow. Brian was planning on driving us to the doctors appointment so I wasn't worried. He has a Jeep that can get through anything. Next I noticed that we had a voice mail from the doctors office. Rut-roh. They were just checking to see if we were planning on coming in today and to give them a call so I did. Well, the doctor wasn't able to make it in today sooooooo, we rescheduled for next week Wednesday.
I wasn't very happy but I had my "phone voice" on (as my dear sweet husband pointed out) and was pleasant to her. Then I hung up the phone. No more Mr. Nice Guy. First thing I did was ream Brian for making fun of my "phone voice". Yes, I know I have one . . . deal with it and DON'T MOCK ME or you will suffer the consequences (silent treatment, evil eye, random unexplained psychotic episodes aimed at him or all of the above).
Unfortunately Ashley had the bad timing of walking in the room after I was done yelling at Brian (for the moment). And for those of you that are shaking your head saying "there is no way she yells" . . . sorry to burst that little bubble but not only do I yell but I push buttons, have a sarcastic streak like you wouldn't believe and well, let's just say I can be very unpleasant at times . Why is it that when we are mad and frustrated we take it out on the innocent family members who have the unfortunate timing of standing in front of us when we are ready to blow?
Where was I? Oh yes, Ashley walked in the room and since I was mad, frustrated and not feeling well I decided that I should throw some grumpiness at her too. I got a "look" from Brian and I believe he even did a "zip it" motion to suggest that I stop talking. So, that's what I did - I stopped talking, turned on my heel, stomped upstairs to my bedroom. How dare he? How dare she? How dare they? I am having so much pain and bloating and yucky symptoms. I have a list longer than my arm of questions I wanted to ask the doctor - how can she not be in today? Now what?? What do I do?
I sat and watched the snow fall. I thought about all the questions I had lined up to ask the doctor and wondered why I wouldn't get that chance today. Then I heard it again - "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding". I wasn't very trusting this morning. I was leaning completely on my own understanding - the understanding that I still have pain, I am still scared, I am still frustrated and am still so lost. Why am I leaning on that nonsense??
The second part of the verse is "in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight". My paths are so crooked right now. They are winding with dead ends and wrong turns - I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I have no where else to go and nothing else to do so right now I am "letting go". I'm not "giving up". There is a difference. I am acknowledging God and will try to do that in all my ways. This is how my path will become straight. That is all I want right now. A straight path right to Him.
The first thing I saw was snow. Lots and lots of snow. Brian was planning on driving us to the doctors appointment so I wasn't worried. He has a Jeep that can get through anything. Next I noticed that we had a voice mail from the doctors office. Rut-roh. They were just checking to see if we were planning on coming in today and to give them a call so I did. Well, the doctor wasn't able to make it in today sooooooo, we rescheduled for next week Wednesday.
I wasn't very happy but I had my "phone voice" on (as my dear sweet husband pointed out) and was pleasant to her. Then I hung up the phone. No more Mr. Nice Guy. First thing I did was ream Brian for making fun of my "phone voice". Yes, I know I have one . . . deal with it and DON'T MOCK ME or you will suffer the consequences (silent treatment, evil eye, random unexplained psychotic episodes aimed at him or all of the above).
Unfortunately Ashley had the bad timing of walking in the room after I was done yelling at Brian (for the moment). And for those of you that are shaking your head saying "there is no way she yells" . . . sorry to burst that little bubble but not only do I yell but I push buttons, have a sarcastic streak like you wouldn't believe and well, let's just say I can be very unpleasant at times . Why is it that when we are mad and frustrated we take it out on the innocent family members who have the unfortunate timing of standing in front of us when we are ready to blow?
Where was I? Oh yes, Ashley walked in the room and since I was mad, frustrated and not feeling well I decided that I should throw some grumpiness at her too. I got a "look" from Brian and I believe he even did a "zip it" motion to suggest that I stop talking. So, that's what I did - I stopped talking, turned on my heel, stomped upstairs to my bedroom. How dare he? How dare she? How dare they? I am having so much pain and bloating and yucky symptoms. I have a list longer than my arm of questions I wanted to ask the doctor - how can she not be in today? Now what?? What do I do?
I sat and watched the snow fall. I thought about all the questions I had lined up to ask the doctor and wondered why I wouldn't get that chance today. Then I heard it again - "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding". I wasn't very trusting this morning. I was leaning completely on my own understanding - the understanding that I still have pain, I am still scared, I am still frustrated and am still so lost. Why am I leaning on that nonsense??
The second part of the verse is "in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight". My paths are so crooked right now. They are winding with dead ends and wrong turns - I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I have no where else to go and nothing else to do so right now I am "letting go". I'm not "giving up". There is a difference. I am acknowledging God and will try to do that in all my ways. This is how my path will become straight. That is all I want right now. A straight path right to Him.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011: Weekends
I used to look forward to weekends. After a long week of work I could count on coming home and spending the next 2 days doing nothing but whatever my family wanted - usually just lots of hanging out doing nothing. These days I come home after a long stressful work week and look forward to spending the next 2 days watching my wife suffer - 24/7. Friday night was filled with dry heaving and puking. Hopefully just a bug, but unpleasant nonetheless. Even knowing in advance that the next 2 days won't be easy, I still look forward to weekends because I still get to spend precious time with her. Frankly, I don't care if I'm catching her puke, helping her down the stairs, getting her ice chips, whatever. I'm thankful to have any time at all with her.
Saturday was marginally better with Kristi resting most of the day. She was able to visit with a great friend and watch the kids while I went to work for a few hours.
Sunday was filled with pain and discomfort in her head, neck and stomach. Just watching her suffer is exhausting enough. She is an amazing woman to endure this for 4 years. Personally, I would have quit a long time ago.
We spent quite a bit of time just talking this weekend. Lots of decisions lie ahead. Tomorrow, we meet with the kids' psychologist. Wednesday we meet with Kristi's oncologist. Kristi is pretty sure she is done with chemo; and I support her. As a spouse that's a hard thing to do. On one hand I want her to keep "doing something". The idea of "doing nothing" means letting the cancer run its course. Sure, still time for a miracle, but hard not to think about the other outcome...and that makes me downright mad, sad, frustrated and alone. But, the quality of life she has endured over the past month with this new chemo is no way to spend your last days on this earth...so I can't just sit by and watch her suffer with more chemo either. Kinda makes all the other decisions in life meaningless. Late on a bill, oh well. Not enough to pay property taxes, darn. Missed my dentist appointment, oopsie. Life and death decisions have a way of putting life into perspective.
We honestly don't know what is next. Kristi would like another PET scan just to see what the tumors are up to. Then I guess we figure out what to do from there. In the meantime, we're talking about starting to interview some funeral homes and looking into buying burial plots. 2 plots. Why 2 plots? Because it's a smart thing to do. Who's to say I won't get trampled to death by a herd of wild bore on my way to work tomorrow? It's better to be prepared than to leave those details up to your loved ones left behind. That's why 2 plots. Emotionally, it's a better way to do it this way as well.
Well, another heavy Sunday night. Please continue to keep the family in your prayers this week.
Thank you!
Saturday was marginally better with Kristi resting most of the day. She was able to visit with a great friend and watch the kids while I went to work for a few hours.
Sunday was filled with pain and discomfort in her head, neck and stomach. Just watching her suffer is exhausting enough. She is an amazing woman to endure this for 4 years. Personally, I would have quit a long time ago.
We spent quite a bit of time just talking this weekend. Lots of decisions lie ahead. Tomorrow, we meet with the kids' psychologist. Wednesday we meet with Kristi's oncologist. Kristi is pretty sure she is done with chemo; and I support her. As a spouse that's a hard thing to do. On one hand I want her to keep "doing something". The idea of "doing nothing" means letting the cancer run its course. Sure, still time for a miracle, but hard not to think about the other outcome...and that makes me downright mad, sad, frustrated and alone. But, the quality of life she has endured over the past month with this new chemo is no way to spend your last days on this earth...so I can't just sit by and watch her suffer with more chemo either. Kinda makes all the other decisions in life meaningless. Late on a bill, oh well. Not enough to pay property taxes, darn. Missed my dentist appointment, oopsie. Life and death decisions have a way of putting life into perspective.
We honestly don't know what is next. Kristi would like another PET scan just to see what the tumors are up to. Then I guess we figure out what to do from there. In the meantime, we're talking about starting to interview some funeral homes and looking into buying burial plots. 2 plots. Why 2 plots? Because it's a smart thing to do. Who's to say I won't get trampled to death by a herd of wild bore on my way to work tomorrow? It's better to be prepared than to leave those details up to your loved ones left behind. That's why 2 plots. Emotionally, it's a better way to do it this way as well.
Well, another heavy Sunday night. Please continue to keep the family in your prayers this week.
Thank you!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011: This & That
We have been very bad at keeping the blog updated - sorry :(
I didn't have chemo on Wednesday - I decided to take a week off because I am having "plumbing issues". Enough said.
Ashley has started her own blog called "The Rogalske Family Life". That girl never ceases to amaze me. The link is on the right side of our blog or you can click here - www.arogalske.blogspot.com.
Life is hard. God is good.
I didn't have chemo on Wednesday - I decided to take a week off because I am having "plumbing issues". Enough said.
Ashley has started her own blog called "The Rogalske Family Life". That girl never ceases to amaze me. The link is on the right side of our blog or you can click here - www.arogalske.blogspot.com.
Life is hard. God is good.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Oh, and happy flippin anniversary, cancer
Yup, it was 4 long painful years ago that Kristi was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Yippee. Don't really feel like celebrating. I actually forgot about it until later this afternoon. Then it was like a weight came over me. Kristi said to pass this message along..."I hate cancer". I agree. Not giving it any more time that this little reminder. I could use some vulgarities right now but I'll keep them for myself.
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