Tuesday, March 30, 2010: Thy Will Be Done

For the past few months thoughts have been bouncing around in my head about God’s will for me. I figured it was time to move these thoughts from my head to the blog because doing this always helps me process things better.

I have been thinking about The Lord's Prayer - especially the line "thy will be done". I don't know how many times I have said The Lord’s Prayer during my life - probably more than I can count. I have just rattled it off as something I had memorized as a child. How many times have I prayed "thy will be done"?

Last week the sixth grade class at Rose Park gave presentations on Stations of the Cross. We traveled from station to station watching Christ's final hours. We began at the scene of Jesus praying on the Mount of Olives then continued on through scenes such as Jesus being arrested, Peter's denial and the guards mocking. There was also the scene where Jesus was brought before Pilates and Herod, the crucifixion and finally, his death.

I have heard these stories so many times before. I have heard the Easter story read to me as a child and read it myself in the bible as an adult. I think the older I get the easier it is to become numb to the powerfulness of this story. My mind skips ahead because I want to get to the happy ending.

The kids presentation hit me in a powerful way. With the exception of the ones who portrayed Jesus, everyone wore a black shirt. They were very solemn and had their heads hanging down when we entered and left the room. They also did this when it wasn’t their turn to speak. When they did speak, they were full of passion and made us believe that they were the character that they were portraying.

Like I said earlier, I have heard these stories so many times before but when I saw them acted out by these students I both heard and saw them in a new light. I tend to always look forward to the ending (although it is really not an “ending” at all!). Knowing that Jesus rose victoriously from the grave makes these stories easier to hear. The last scene we visited though was his death on the cross. We walked out of that room heavy and saddened.

I reflected back over the scenes. It was very strange to see m my sweet, soft-spoken Ashley look up at the cross where Jesus hung and hear her sneering the words “he saved others; let him save himself if he is the Christ of God, the Chosen One”. Every scene was powerful but my mind kept coming back to the one of Jesus praying on the Mount of Olives ~ specifically Luke 22:42 ~ "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."

Those are some very difficult words to say. I have often said the first half ~ “God, please take this cancer from me” and I have also said “your will be done”. I am usually yelling the first part but when it comes to saying "Your will be done" it is typically more like a whisper. I don’t know if I have ever really said the middle phrase though “yet not my will”. I want to accept His will but I don't want to give up my own. I want to let Him know what my will is for my life ~ so He can make sure we are on the same page - the page that I wrote.

It has been and still is quite a process working through this. As always, typing this out has helped me work through it. When I put everything in perspective I am reminded that this this life is just a breath compared to the things yet to come.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1: 3-9

Wednesday, March 24, 2010: Fight Like a Girl

I have had quite a few people ask me about my "fight like a girl" sweatshirt. I bought it from a friend that is fighting breast cancer - it is sooooo comfortable! Amy is selling them to raise awareness of breast cancer and they are finishing up their last and final order - checks need to be sent by March 26 (yup, two days from now!). I meant to get this posted earlier . . . here's the link to the blog

www.fightinglikeagirl-amy.blogspot.com

If you would like to order one I would email Amy to let her know what you would like to order

and that your check is in the mail. Her email address is in the "about me" section on the right side of her blog. She is also walking

in the Susan G. Komen 3 day walk for the cure and there is a spot on her blog that you can donate to.

Amy was an awesome nurse before cancer and she is going to be an awesome nurse who has

"been there, done that". I know whenever I would hear a nurse or doctor tell me that they were

a cancer survivor it would make such an impact on me. They weren't just talking the talk -

they had walked the walk.

I am having "technical difficulties" with this post - my paragraphs are goofed up, the font is

changing and it doesn't look like you can click on the link to Amy's blog. If it doesn't work,

just copy it and paste it. This is very frustrating to leave this post like this (perfectionist issues!)

but I don't have time to figure things out. Maybe later.

Sunday, March 21, 2010: Short & Sweet

Plans keep changing around here ~ long story short I had my CA125 tested last week Thursday. My new number is 181 (in January it was 194).

It was a huge relief that it didn't go up but I have to admit - I was hoping it would be much lower. It's just a number though and I am much more than a statistic.

It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man. Psalm 118:8

Tuesday, March 16, 2010: When God Speaks

Wow, long time no update! We've been enjoying being "normal" for a couple weeks now. Next week I will have my CA125 checked and then my appointment with Dr. Downey is on March 31. Right now I am enjoying the fact that I still have two weeks free of any doctor appointments! My neck healed very quickly and now it just looks like sunburn.

I have been meaning to write about my "God story" that happened on my last day of radiation. I'd sit down at the computer to write and then life would take over and before I knew it another day went by. I've learned though that God's timing is always perfect.

Last year I had bought the devotional book Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. I loved it. Loved, loved, loved it! As I was reading the book a few months ago I sensed God was telling me that I needed to give this book away ~more specifically I needed to give it to my sister. I mentally argued because like I said ~ I really, really liked the book! It had brought me so much comfort and I couldn't imagine that God would want me to give that up. Well, He did and He continued to work at me until I finally listened and gave it to Lori. She has told me many times now how much the book has comforted her and Eric. There have been days that the devotional felt like it was written specifically for them.

I had thought about buying another copy for myself many times and even had the book in my hand at the store once only to hear God say "I didn't tell you to give that book away so you could just go and buy another copy". I've learned that when God talks you don't argue. So, I put the book back on the shelf.

I was thinking about this book a lot during my radiation treatments. When I was nearing the end I decided that I would buy another copy for myself as a "reward" for making it through. I didn't hear God saying no to this so I was very excited and had already made plans that I was going to go to Family Christian Bookstore right after my last treatment.

I didn't need to make that trip though. A friend of mine walked into the waiting room as I was waiting for my last "zap" and in her hands was a copy of Jesus Calling. She told me that she had wanted to get it for me earlier but as we all know - life has a tendency to make other plans. What she thought was something on her to-do list that didn't get done soon enough was actually all a part of God's plan. The timing of when she brought the book to me was absolutely perfect. It was one of those "wow" moments in life. I'm discovering just how much God is in every little detail of our life if we're not looking for Him then that moment will just slip by.

At the present time your plenty will supply what they need, so that in turn their plenty will supply what you need. 2 Corinthians 8:14

Thursday, March 4, 2010: Time To . . . Stay Home!

I just noticed the time - it's 1:45 PM. For the past five weeks this was the time that I got into the van and headed to LAROC (Lakeshore Area Radiation Oncology Clinic). I'm not getting into the van right now . . . why . . . because I'M DONE WITH RADIATION!!!! Yup, still flying high!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010: Flying High!

I'm done ~ I'M done ~ I'M DONE!!!!!!! It was an awesome day!! Brian came to my treatment today and took lots of pictures. Hopefully we'll get them posted tonight or tomorrow but for now I wanted to update and say I'M DONE!!!! Or did I mention that already? :)

I have not watched any of the Rocky movies (too violent for me) but the theme song - Flying High Now - has been going through my head all day long. I looked on you tube and found a video with it that fits perfectly with our battle with cancer . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Zcb3Z6gVb0&feature=related

Tuesday, March 2, 2010: Almost Done!

Tomorrow is my last treatment - my very last one - yeeeeeaaaaa!!!! I was originally scheduled to be done today but I asked them last week if I could take Friday "off" and add an extra day to the end. I'm very glad that I did - I can't imagine how bad Saturday would have been if I didn't.

Sunday was better than Saturday - I no longer felt like someone was rubbing broken pieces of glass into my neck. Every day it has gotten a little bit better even with having a treatment yesterday and today.

Today as I walked into the clinic I had a big smile on my face. I was thinking how ironic it was that I was smiling while walking to a radiation clinic for the 26th time. What a change from my first visit. I was anxious, scared and quite overwhelmed then. Now I'm so excited to be done! I'm also exhausted so I'm signing off now and going to bed. Nighty-night.

Saturday, February 27, 2010: Ouch!

I'm writing today because Kristi is in a lot of pain. She could sure use some prayers specific to her pain. Here are a couple pictures of her neck.

Some people have wondered how I've been doing lately. Well, I actually have been doing really well. The psychiatrist I saw was great. We're still tweaking to find the right mix of meds but my depression is much better. Right now we're working on my sleeping - trying to find the right meds to make and keep me sleeping. I still struggle with daytime fatigue but we're focused on getting my sleeping "fixed". So that's all. Nothing much, but definitely worthy of praise.

The kids have all passed their colds and other than just being normal kids are doing well.

Please keep Kristi in your daily prayers - especially her pain.

Thank you much!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010: A Time For Everything

Today looked like a fairly quiet day on the calendar. You'd think by now I would realize that the calendar and reality don't always match up. When I look back at the past 12 hours it makes me wonder how I am even able to function. Here's a glimpse:

The day started at school ~ a bunch of kindergarten moms met for coffee with the principal. It was a chance to share any concerns or ask questions. I didn't have any questions or concerns but I used that chance to sing the praises of Rose Park teachers. They go above and beyond the "call of duty" and they do it because they love our family. There isn't a word in the English language that can describe how wonderful they are.

As I left school I ran into a friend in the parking lot that I hadn't seen for a while. We chatted for a couple minutes and I left with a smile thinking "I really should get out of the house more often and visit with friends".

Mid-morning I received a call on Skype (I don't know the technical terms for this but basically it is a video phone call through the internet). My brother called from Columbia. He started by saying "shhhhhhhh" and then he turned his computer around so that I could see Stephanie, Carlos and Maria playing together. I felt like a little fly on the wall and I loved it! The joy just radiates from their family.

Around lunch time my mom and I headed to my sisters to visit with her. The first thing I saw was the sadness in her eyes. We knew Eric wasn't doing well before we got there but knowing it in your head and seeing it with your eyes are two different things. Eric's mom was over so Lori was able to leave Eric for a little bit to spend some time with us. After tears, hugs, more tears and a prayer we left.

We went directly from my sisters to my radiation treatment. Oh yeah, I almost forgot that I have cancer. Nothing like a dose of radiation to remind me. (Yes, I'm feeling bitter and sarcastic).
Shortly after I was home I found out that a friends father had passed away earlier today. Like I said at the beginning of this post - I don't know how I'm able to put one foot in front of the other one. I know that I could never do it with my own strength. All day long the song "He Is With You" by Mandisa was running through my head. I think God is my personal DJ with all the songs He's been putting in my mind. I found a beautiful video with this song on youtube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyy7K0e__x4&feature=related

Here are the words from the beginning of the song . . .

There's a time to live
And a time to die
There's a time to laugh
And a time to cry
There's a time for war
And a time for peace
There's a hand to hold
In the worst of things


There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1

Tuesday, February 23, 2010: Blessed Be Your Name

Our family is on an emotional roller coaster right now. Typically a roller coaster goes up and then down. Our roller coaster is going up and down at the same time right now.

Kevin & Stephanie (my brother & sister-in-law) left for Columbia last week Friday and this afternoon the moment they have been waiting for so long for finally came . . . they finally got to meet their precious little girl. Tonight is the first night this 'family of four' will be spending together. The first of many to come.

Lori & Eric (my sister & brother-in-law) are simply living one day at a time. Eric is in the very advanced stages of ALS. Every morning when they wake up they say "another day together". His pain and suffering will be gone when he gets to meet Jesus face to face - just thinking about that gives me goosebumps. I can see him running and jumping and dancing and singing on the top of his lungs! There will be tears of joy celebrating his new life but also many tears of sadness as we wait for the day when we will all be reunited again.

Some days when I think about all that our family is going through I am overwhelmed. If I would read this update about a family other than ours I would say there was no possible way our family would survive something like that. I have days where I wish I could just close my eyes and make it all go away ~ that we could go back to a "normal" life. But since that can't happen we have to make the best of what we have.

As I started to become overwhelmed this afternoon the song 'Blessed Be Your Name' was running through my head.

Blessed be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name.

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name.

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name.

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your name.
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your glorious name.

These are just some of the verses and the chorus of the song. These are the verses that sum up our family perfectly. Right now His streams of abundance are flowing for my brother and his family. My sister and her family are on the road marked with suffering. Sometimes our streams of abundance include suffering and other times the roads marked with suffering have been filled with abundance Every blessing our family receives we turn back to praise and even in the darkness we will bless the name of the Lord.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:3-9

Friday, February 19, 2010: Dear Anonymous

**This post is a little bit "outside the box". When I refer to "anonymous" at the beginning of the post I am referring to everyone that has commented anonymously.

Dear Anonymous,

I don't know who you are. I don't know your name or where you live. I don't know if you are a man or a woman ~ if you are young or old. I do know that there are times that you make me smile. There are times that you make me think. There are times that you make me cry and wonder why you would write something that hurtful. Your last comment left me in tears as well but these were tears of awe and wonder. You made me feel God's presence like I never have before. I hope you don't mind but I wanted to post the words you shared with me . . .

I have been searching the internet for ovarian cancer survivors for weeks. Hour after hour trying to find stories of hope to send my mom. She was first diagnosed in April 2008 had her surgery, went through chemo and was 'cured'. In early December she got really sick, but all the cancer tests, pet scan, ultrasounds etc looked good so the dr kept saying it was prob scar tissue that had gotten in her intestines. On 12/23 they finally went in to check it out since she had spent weeks in the hospital and it wasn't letting up. Turns our the cancer was back and her dr wasn't very hopefull either. They got it out but a couple weeks ago another tumor showed up so she is currently in some mayo clinic in AZ getting more tests done. The timeline on your situation just hit me like a brick wall and of all the blogs and sites this is the first time i've ever posted anything. I'm sure you know as well as I do that ovarian cancer is a very bad cancer and recurrence even worse. But I want you to know there are people with recurrent ovarian cancer who have lived past 5 yrs. I have found them by searching and searching online. You clearly have a strong faith and I know that will carry you very far. Never give up the fight and never for a second let anybody, whoever they are, tell you that you wont make it past 5 yrs. I have faith that my mom will make it. She will live long and my 7 mos old and 2 yr old will have many memories with her as they grow up. You will live to be with your babies as they have babies and long after that. I can feel it deep in my soul. I can feel the holy spirit as i read your blog tonight and I havent been to church in 11 yrs nor am i a religous person at all. You will make it... keep fighting with your body, your spirit, and your mind. God is with you , I felt him all around the moment I clicked on your site.

Thank you "anonymous" for your wonderful words of encouragement.

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Sunday, February 14, 2010: Love Is . . .

I think many of you have already heard me talk about the prayer that I said only months before I was diagnosed with cancer. I asked God to break me while singing the song "Holiness". These were the words:

Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for.
Brokenness is what I need.
Brokenness, brokenness is what
You want from me.

I have definitely been broken. My health, my life, my heart, my way of thinking, my relationship with God and so much more. Everything was broken completely but God used that break to make all of it stronger. I know I am a much stronger person today than I was three years ago.

I still have so much growing to do though. A couple months ago I started thinking about the chorus of "Holiness" . . .

So, take my heart and form it.
Take my mind and transform it.
Take my will and conform it.
To Yours, to Yours, oh, Lord.

When I think of my heart being formed I imagine it growing and changing to be like God's. I've been thinking a lot about love lately. What is love? When I think about it quite often songs will jump into my head like "What Is Love?" (from the movie Night at the Roxbury), Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It" and "Love Me Tender" by Elvis. The songs though, weren't getting me any closer to figuring out what love is so I went to the best source I could think of . . . the bible.

The first verse that came to mind is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 . . .

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I have put in bold the things that love "is". That's a lot of things! When I think of love ~ I think of it as a feeling. A feeling we have for God, our family, and some close friends. I think of hearts, warm fuzzies and XOXO's.

I think this is where God needs to, as the song says, "form my heart". I am a long, long away from the description of love that is in 1 Corinthians. I know there are many people who would tell me that a lot of those words describe me. When I am out in the public I am typically patient, kind, not angry, rude or self-seeking but when I'm home with my family it's a different story. I am definitely not patient and not always kind. I can be rude, self-seeking and unfortunately I am easily angered.

I'm not being hard on myself ~ I'm being honest. I think we all try so hard to be nice to people everywhere we go that when we come home we just don't have the energy anymore to keep that happy face on. Or we take our frustrations out from a bad day on the people that we care about the most. I know I'm not alone in this (I'm just the crazy one that publicly declares it on the world-wide web!).

I want to work on this and the first step to solving a problem is admitting that you have one (which I'm pretty sure I just did). I know God has been nudging my heart in this area but I have been too stubborn to eat a piece of humble pie and admit it. Brian, Ashley, Nathan and Emily - I love you! If you'll excuse me now ~ I have a piece of pie I need to go eat.

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. 1 John 4:10-12

Wednesday, February 10, 2010: A Case of the Grumpies

Grumpy. That word sums up my mood right now. I typed out a comment on a friends blog just a few minutes ago and then my lap top decided that it can’t find the internet connection anymore and poof – everything I just typed is gone. Plus I can’t figure out why it won’t connect so I don’t even know if this update will be able to post.

I’ve been on edge lately and it takes a simple thing like losing connection to the internet to bring my mood from okay to grouchy. I met with a new psychiatrist yesterday. He is fairly new to Pine Rest and he was very helpful. He didn’t use big words that went over my head and I felt like he really wanted to know what was going on with me and that I wasn’t just his “1:00 appointment”. The only thing I had a hard time was with how young he is. Either the medical field is getting younger or I am getting older :)

He seriously looks like he can’t be even mid 20’s yet so my mind judges and thinks “I’ve lived twice as long as this kid has – why is he giving me advice?” The rational side of my brain realizes that it is because he has gone to school and been trained for this job. He was also very personable (which isn’t always the case with psychiatrists).

Anyway, after my appointment we decided that I needed to make a couple medication changes. He doesn’t want any fast changes so we’re just increasing one of my doses for now. I also have an appointment with my psychologist next week. Brian has a hard time remembering which doctor does what so I call my psychologist my “talking doctor (she can’t prescribe medication) and my psychiatrist the “drug doc”.

Now I’m getting irritated because my laptop which is on my lap right now is getting very warm and causing me to overheat which then makes me nauseous. I’m trying my best to stop and count my blessings when I get grumpy. Yes, my laptop may have some quirks and overheat but I am thankful that I have a lap top.

I now have 13 appointments behind me and 14 to go – the halfway point already! My skin is becoming irritated where they are treating. It looks sunburned, it itches and is painful at times. On the blessing side though I’m halfway done, if it’s burning the outside of my skin then it must be attacking the cancer as well, we have medical insurance to help pay for this and I’ve met some really nice people in the waiting room. We may be strangers but we have an instant bond. We all have a different type of cancer but it’s still cancer.

All three kids are in bed (which I think is a record for us!). I’m pretty sure none of them are sleeping but I’m going to take advantage of this quiet time and try to get some reading in.

Monday, February 8, 2010: Fatigue, nausea and pain - oh my!

I slipped in and out of consciousness tonight on the couch because I was so tired. I'm drinking peppermint tea for my nausea and taking Tylenol for my pain. Oh my!

Sunday, February 7, 2010: Thud

In case you're wondering what that "thud" was ~ it the sound of me hitting the bottom of the pit. I've been in bed almost 24/7 since Friday night. I got up a couple times yesterday (only to go lay on the couch). There is a bug going around the house so I thought I had caught that but I had also caught the sneaky bug called depression as well. By the end of last night I was curled up in the fetal position crying my eyes out in our bedroom closet. Brian just simply listened to my incoherent babbling between sobs until there was nothing left to say and no more tears to cry.

I was trying to figure out how that episode had snuck up on me so quickly and quietly. As I looked back though I remembered Brian telling me earlier in the week that he thought I was becoming depressed and that I should get in to see the psychiatrist. I remember telling him "no, dear, you're mistaken". Oh wait, it was more like "no I'm not, leave me alone". I must have gotten worse because he continued to "suggest" that I go see the psychiatrist. My response was that "there isn't a single pill that will take away this cancer or that will take away the fact that I have cancer". I figured there wasn't a pill that could help me say "I have cancer and I don't care" so why bother? (Actually there probably is but I'm pretty sure it's not legal).

So as I look back I see there were warning signs but I had my blinders on. So now here I am at the bottom of this pit trying to claw my way back to the top. At least at this point I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's physically an effort for me to do anything right now. I feel like I have weights strapped to my arms and legs holding me down but I think the weight that is on my heart and mind is the heaviest.

I always start feeling better after I post but it sure is humbling to put it all out there. If someone reading this right now has been feeling down lately and a loved one has been trying to gently suggest that you may be depressed ~ think about what I just shared and prevent yourself from sliding further down into the pit (not to mention the slippery slope that needs to be tackled to get out) and talk to someone.

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward. Philippians 3:13

Thursday, February 4, 2010: Random Thoughts

I have almost updated the blog many times over the past week. I've thought about updating on my treatments - 9 down, 18 to go. Or complaining about the fact that my neck is getting red, sore and itchy from the radiation (hopefully that means it's working!).

I was going to type about the tear I feel in my heart every time I watch my 5 year old walk into school. I will never get used to seeing that tiny little girl walking into school with all those big kids. Or how she looks up at her brother or sister when they walk in with her. Or the way she will turn around halfway to the door, blow me a kiss and on the top of her lungs yell "I love you Mommy!"

I almost wrote a post about how my daughter who just last year was so happy to see me when I came to school ~ her eyes would light up and she had the biggest smile. This year when she sees me at school her eyes get really wide and her jaw drops as if to say "uh, mom, what are you doing here?" Apparently it is no longer "cool" to be seen with your mom when you are in sixth grade. Sigh.

I've also been wanting to type a post on the song "What Do I Know of Holy" by Addison Road. What do I know? I just know that when I think about God, really think about Him I realize that I don't know much at all. Every time I hear that song I am vividly reminded about how magnificent He is and how small I am. But ~ this isn't a post about that ~ maybe some other day.

For now I'll simply leave you with something one of my daughters teachers emailed me (thank you Mrs. D!) which she had seen etched in the trails at Calvin College . . . .

"Be still and know that I am God."
"Be still and know that I AM."
"Be still and know."
"Be still."
"Be."

Saturday, January 30, 2010: Full Of Mercy!

"As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy." James 5:11

Thursday, January 28, 2010: A Thought From...

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"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble" Proverbs 3:34

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Tuesday, January 26, 2010: Heads or Tails

Two treatments done ~ only twenty five more to go! As I was walking out of the clinic after today's treatment I could feel my mood starting to go down. Although there is no pain involved (other than the instant headache I get when the mask is strapped on) I feel very vulnerable and trapped on the table.

I have been able to get through that time by repeating over and over in my head "be still and know that I am God". When the verse first came into my head I had to laugh ~ be still? Like I have a choice! After it kept running through my mind though I tuned into the second half ~ know that I am God. We already "know" that but to focus on those words gave me a sense of peace and comfort.

I was not a big fan of the staff that latch me down to the table and tell me not to move. When I thought of the words "be still" as coming from God it was much easier to accept. It wasn't medical people telling me what to do but God simply asking that I remain still, focus on Him and know that He will take care of everything.

It's amazing how we can go from feeling God's peace and trusting Him to a pity party that focuses on everything that has gone wrong, can go wrong or may go wrong. I was feeling good as I walked out of the clinic but before I got to my van I was down already. I was thinking of all the negatives. As soon as I started the van up the song Jesus Calling was playing and this line grabbed my attention . . .

You see there’s always another story, another side to every coin
And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice.

I can choose to focus on the unknowns and fears that cancer brings or I can flip that coin over and count my blessings ~ it's my choice. I love the chorus of Jesus calling . . .

When you see the rushing wind, feel the pouring rain
Hear the thunder now as the clouds roll in.
You’re blinded by the lightning
Do you also hear that still, small voice saying
It’s okay, you’re not alone,
You may be scared to death but I won’t let you go.
You may think the sky above is falling
But can you hear Jesus calling?

I can hear Him calling . . . when I make the choice to listen. He's in the music, in the scriptures, in my head and most importantly in my heart.

Monday, January 25, 2010: That Wasn't So Bad

When we first heard that I would need to do radiation I was thinking "no big deal ~ much easier than chemo". I felt pretty good about it, was glad there wasn't any needles or major side effects involved and was very excited that it would be much easier than chemo! As the time got closer though my nerves started to kick in. It wasn't so scary when it was weeks off but when I went in and had the "mask" made it started to become more real to me. This past weekend I started wanting to just stay home and by Sunday I didn't really want to get out from under the covers. If I don't acknowledge it then it's not really happening, right? I did my best to pretend that it wasn't happening today but eventually the time came for me to leave.

During my treatments I am alone in a great big room laying on a skinny metal table with my head strapped down (thanks to my lovely mask). The people working with me are right outside the room and there is a video camera in the room with me so they can see me and hear me the entire time. It's a weird feeling being strapped to a table, all alone, while a huge machine moves around my head making strange noises. I'm sure by the end of the 5 1/2 weeks I will be used to it but right now ~ it's weird.

Today was my first actual treatment. They were right ~ it didn't hurt and I feel fine. I met with the oncologist afterwards and he felt the tumors in my neck. I told him that I thought they had gotten bigger since I was initially seen a couple weeks ago. He told me that is normal but when he felt my neck he said that he didn't think they were very big which was a comforting thought. Within a few weeks I should start to feel them shrinking. I guess it takes that long for the cells to start to break up from the radiation.

I'm not a fan of radiation treatments or the idea of going every Monday-Friday for the next 5 1/2 weeks but now that the first treatment is behind me I am not near as anxious as I was.

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13 (NASB)