I often get asked "so how are you doing?" or "are you adjusting to your new normal OK?" Can I be honest with you? I feel like I can be honest with you. Well, here's the truth: life sucks right now. That's how I feel 99.9% of the time. Truth is, I haven't moved on; I can't let go. The reminders are daily, and multiple times a day. I waffle back and forth from "it's been 3 months already!" to "it's only been 3 months?! it seems like forever ago".
Back to that first statement, "it's been 3 months already!". The memories are still vivid. The emotions are still raw. The hurt is still very very real. Right now I'm in the guilt phase. Could I have done more? What if we stayed down the chemo path? what if I intervened more at Hospice? what if...
I know, all irrational thoughts, but thoughts and questions I ask myself every day nonetheless. Just one more hug. One more kiss. One more "I love you". What Kristi and I had was special. Everyone probably says that about their marriage, but Kristi and I were so meant for each other. Sure, I have lots of memories and am grateful for the 22 years we shared together, but I just feel like I got jipped out of 20 more.
I started this 2 weeks ago and have so much more to say, but I'll leave that for another post or this will never get posted.