Monday, February 8, 2010: Fatigue, nausea and pain - oh my!

I slipped in and out of consciousness tonight on the couch because I was so tired. I'm drinking peppermint tea for my nausea and taking Tylenol for my pain. Oh my!

Sunday, February 7, 2010: Thud

In case you're wondering what that "thud" was ~ it the sound of me hitting the bottom of the pit. I've been in bed almost 24/7 since Friday night. I got up a couple times yesterday (only to go lay on the couch). There is a bug going around the house so I thought I had caught that but I had also caught the sneaky bug called depression as well. By the end of last night I was curled up in the fetal position crying my eyes out in our bedroom closet. Brian just simply listened to my incoherent babbling between sobs until there was nothing left to say and no more tears to cry.

I was trying to figure out how that episode had snuck up on me so quickly and quietly. As I looked back though I remembered Brian telling me earlier in the week that he thought I was becoming depressed and that I should get in to see the psychiatrist. I remember telling him "no, dear, you're mistaken". Oh wait, it was more like "no I'm not, leave me alone". I must have gotten worse because he continued to "suggest" that I go see the psychiatrist. My response was that "there isn't a single pill that will take away this cancer or that will take away the fact that I have cancer". I figured there wasn't a pill that could help me say "I have cancer and I don't care" so why bother? (Actually there probably is but I'm pretty sure it's not legal).

So as I look back I see there were warning signs but I had my blinders on. So now here I am at the bottom of this pit trying to claw my way back to the top. At least at this point I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's physically an effort for me to do anything right now. I feel like I have weights strapped to my arms and legs holding me down but I think the weight that is on my heart and mind is the heaviest.

I always start feeling better after I post but it sure is humbling to put it all out there. If someone reading this right now has been feeling down lately and a loved one has been trying to gently suggest that you may be depressed ~ think about what I just shared and prevent yourself from sliding further down into the pit (not to mention the slippery slope that needs to be tackled to get out) and talk to someone.

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward. Philippians 3:13

Thursday, February 4, 2010: Random Thoughts

I have almost updated the blog many times over the past week. I've thought about updating on my treatments - 9 down, 18 to go. Or complaining about the fact that my neck is getting red, sore and itchy from the radiation (hopefully that means it's working!).

I was going to type about the tear I feel in my heart every time I watch my 5 year old walk into school. I will never get used to seeing that tiny little girl walking into school with all those big kids. Or how she looks up at her brother or sister when they walk in with her. Or the way she will turn around halfway to the door, blow me a kiss and on the top of her lungs yell "I love you Mommy!"

I almost wrote a post about how my daughter who just last year was so happy to see me when I came to school ~ her eyes would light up and she had the biggest smile. This year when she sees me at school her eyes get really wide and her jaw drops as if to say "uh, mom, what are you doing here?" Apparently it is no longer "cool" to be seen with your mom when you are in sixth grade. Sigh.

I've also been wanting to type a post on the song "What Do I Know of Holy" by Addison Road. What do I know? I just know that when I think about God, really think about Him I realize that I don't know much at all. Every time I hear that song I am vividly reminded about how magnificent He is and how small I am. But ~ this isn't a post about that ~ maybe some other day.

For now I'll simply leave you with something one of my daughters teachers emailed me (thank you Mrs. D!) which she had seen etched in the trails at Calvin College . . . .

"Be still and know that I am God."
"Be still and know that I AM."
"Be still and know."
"Be still."
"Be."

Saturday, January 30, 2010: Full Of Mercy!

"As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy." James 5:11

Thursday, January 28, 2010: A Thought From...

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"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble" Proverbs 3:34

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Tuesday, January 26, 2010: Heads or Tails

Two treatments done ~ only twenty five more to go! As I was walking out of the clinic after today's treatment I could feel my mood starting to go down. Although there is no pain involved (other than the instant headache I get when the mask is strapped on) I feel very vulnerable and trapped on the table.

I have been able to get through that time by repeating over and over in my head "be still and know that I am God". When the verse first came into my head I had to laugh ~ be still? Like I have a choice! After it kept running through my mind though I tuned into the second half ~ know that I am God. We already "know" that but to focus on those words gave me a sense of peace and comfort.

I was not a big fan of the staff that latch me down to the table and tell me not to move. When I thought of the words "be still" as coming from God it was much easier to accept. It wasn't medical people telling me what to do but God simply asking that I remain still, focus on Him and know that He will take care of everything.

It's amazing how we can go from feeling God's peace and trusting Him to a pity party that focuses on everything that has gone wrong, can go wrong or may go wrong. I was feeling good as I walked out of the clinic but before I got to my van I was down already. I was thinking of all the negatives. As soon as I started the van up the song Jesus Calling was playing and this line grabbed my attention . . .

You see there’s always another story, another side to every coin
And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice.

I can choose to focus on the unknowns and fears that cancer brings or I can flip that coin over and count my blessings ~ it's my choice. I love the chorus of Jesus calling . . .

When you see the rushing wind, feel the pouring rain
Hear the thunder now as the clouds roll in.
You’re blinded by the lightning
Do you also hear that still, small voice saying
It’s okay, you’re not alone,
You may be scared to death but I won’t let you go.
You may think the sky above is falling
But can you hear Jesus calling?

I can hear Him calling . . . when I make the choice to listen. He's in the music, in the scriptures, in my head and most importantly in my heart.

Monday, January 25, 2010: That Wasn't So Bad

When we first heard that I would need to do radiation I was thinking "no big deal ~ much easier than chemo". I felt pretty good about it, was glad there wasn't any needles or major side effects involved and was very excited that it would be much easier than chemo! As the time got closer though my nerves started to kick in. It wasn't so scary when it was weeks off but when I went in and had the "mask" made it started to become more real to me. This past weekend I started wanting to just stay home and by Sunday I didn't really want to get out from under the covers. If I don't acknowledge it then it's not really happening, right? I did my best to pretend that it wasn't happening today but eventually the time came for me to leave.

During my treatments I am alone in a great big room laying on a skinny metal table with my head strapped down (thanks to my lovely mask). The people working with me are right outside the room and there is a video camera in the room with me so they can see me and hear me the entire time. It's a weird feeling being strapped to a table, all alone, while a huge machine moves around my head making strange noises. I'm sure by the end of the 5 1/2 weeks I will be used to it but right now ~ it's weird.

Today was my first actual treatment. They were right ~ it didn't hurt and I feel fine. I met with the oncologist afterwards and he felt the tumors in my neck. I told him that I thought they had gotten bigger since I was initially seen a couple weeks ago. He told me that is normal but when he felt my neck he said that he didn't think they were very big which was a comforting thought. Within a few weeks I should start to feel them shrinking. I guess it takes that long for the cells to start to break up from the radiation.

I'm not a fan of radiation treatments or the idea of going every Monday-Friday for the next 5 1/2 weeks but now that the first treatment is behind me I am not near as anxious as I was.

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13 (NASB)

Friday, January 22, 2010: It's Not Fair

If you are a parent you have more than likely heard the phrase "it's not fair" from your children. If they are anything like our kids you've probably heard it in the last week!

I could easily say "it's not fair!" with all we have gone through the past three years. I’m sure I have said it many times already. After reading the book The Hole in our Gospel though, I have an entirely different perspective of fairness. Life is not fair in many countries and some places it is just downright awful. We've all seen the pictures of the starving children on tv asking for our help. I'll be honest - I have to change the channel because it tears my heart apart to see that.

I can't believe how easy it is for us to "look the other way". The book is filled with statistics that were shocking to me. Did you know that if you make more than $50,000 per year you make more than 99% of the people in the world? I realize I may sound naive but I had no idea of the level of poverty in the world.

The book also has personal stories that made me sick to my stomach to read. I was heartbroken for them and so angry that things like that could happen in our world. This book has made me realize that not only to I need to do more ~ it is my responsibility to do more.

I have noticed little things lately in life. As I stood in the shower the other day I was watching all the water going down the drain. There are people (quite often children) that have to walk miles every day just go get water or even worse, the only water that they have access to is contaminated. To compare it in Holland terms - it would be like drinking the water in Lake Macatawa (or Lake Macatoilet as we to call it). As I throw away yet another container of leftovers that has turned into a science experiment on how quickly mold can grow I think of the children that go a week without eating.

I was shoveling the heavy wet snow from the end of our driveway a few days ago and was thinking about how much work it was and that I didn't think I would be able to finish when I had the thought - there are children that do physical labor harder than this all day every day! And they don’t go inside when they are done to take some ibuprofen, make something warm to drink and then sit with their feet up.

I tend to get overwhelmed with big problems. I can only see the "big picture" sometimes and figure that the small contribution that I could do wouldn't make a difference so I don't do anything. A parable was told in the book about a man who came across tens of thousands of starfish that had been washed up on the beach. He realized that they would all die and in despair he sat down in the sand holding his head in his hands. As he looked up he saw a man in the distance that was throwing the starfish back into the ocean one by one. He went over to ask him what he was doing to which the man replied "saving the starfish". The overwhelmed man said "don't you see - there are tens of thousands of starfish - nothing you do will make a difference". The man didn't respond but simply bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it in the lake. He then smiled at the man saying "it made a difference to that one"

I have been praying recently that I would be able to learn how to be content in all situations. The stories that I read have given me a huge appreciation for what we do have. Even on our worst days here it is still a walk in the park compared to the horrible things that go on in our world. Dealing with cancer stinks big time but we have doctors to take care of us and insurance to help pay for it. When our basement flooded last year I was so frustrated and thought “what else can go wrong?” but in reality our unfinished basement with a cement floor, trim pulled off and drywall soft enough to poke a hole through it is still bigger and safer than the “houses” so many people in far away countries live in. And that is only one floor of our house!

If you haven’t read the book A Hole in our Gospel I would highly recommend it. It doesn’t hold anything back and there are stories that will make you sick but it will also give you hope. It will change your perspective on life and help you realize just how fortunate we are. It will make you want to make a difference.

On Valentine’s Day three years ago I wrote these words:

Together with all of us (and we are a mighty team!) praying boldly we will all win this battle and it is going to change all of us. I have seen amazing changes in many people close to me and have heard of many others. God is working through me and through all of you and together we are going to turn many more sheep into God’s pasture! Isn’t that amazing! What an honor! I know together we can do it. Please hold everyone up in prayer and encourage them. I have never really been a very "open" person before but I am changing. It is so important to encourage one another as the bible says. Let God’s light beam through all of us and just imagine how bright this world will be!!!!

I believed that three years ago and I still believe it today.

On a completely separate note ~ I am going in later this afternoon for “films” which I believe is something like a ct scan and I will have this done once a week. We’ll have visual proof with this as we see the tumors get smaller and smaller! My radiation treatments start on Monday. I’m not exactly looking forward to it but in reality I am so fortunate to have access to such advanced technology. In other countries children watch their parents become very sick without so much as a doctor to help them. They take care of them until they pass away and then they become the head of the household. I can’t even begin to imagine what that must be like.

I'll end this post with a verse that was in the book that really got my attention~

And a final word to you arrogant rich: Take some lessons in lament. You'll need buckets for the tears when the crash comes upon you. Your money is corrupt and your fine clothes stink. Your greedy luxuries are a cancer in your gut, destroying your life from within. You thought you were piling up wealth. What you've piled up is judgment. All the workers you've exploited and cheated cry out for judgment. The groans of the workers you used and abused are a roar in the ears of the Master Avenger. You've looted the earth and lived it up. But all you'll have to show for it is a fatter than usual corpse. In fact, what you've done is condemn and murder perfectly good persons, who stand there and take it. James 5:1-6 (The Message)

Wednesday, January 13, 2010: Who Was That Masked Woman?

Today wasn't really what I was expecting. I thought they had said something about a "map" and figured that was to map out where the radiation needed to go. They must have been saying "mask" because I had my own personal mask made today.

The mask is a white plastic mesh that they soak in warm water to soften it. They put it on me and molded it to my face and after a couple minutes it hardened. They used a permanent marker to mark where my eyes and nose were which at times went through to my face. When they took the mask off it looked like a toddler had been coloring on my face. Add the fact that the wet mask plastered my bangs to my forehead and I was feeling quite lovely. The best part was they waited until the end of my appointment to take a picture of me. I'm thinking it was for blackmailing purposes.

After they cut out a circle for my eyes and nose they put the mask back on me and latched it on to the table so that it holds my head perfectly still with my chin lifted up high. It's important that the they radiate the exact same place every time so the mask pins my head to the table so tight I can't move it at all. I tried not to think about it (or the fact that my nose was itchy) and I was okay.

It doesn't end there though. I now have three permanent tattoos! They are about the size of a freckle are are black. They do this to line the lasers up to the exact same place every time. It felt like a really big bee sting when they did it. I never understood why people got tattoos and after having only three pokes with the needle I really can't understand why anyone would put themselves through that pain!

I will go in next week Friday (the 22nd) for a couple more scans and then begin treatment on Monday (the 25th). I will go at the same time every day (Monday-Friday) for five to six weeks. Right now the only time available is at 5:00 p.m. Hopefully in a couple weeks something else will open up (when someone else finishes up their treatment plan). I will also be meeting with the oncologist there once a week. I think this will be my home away from home for a while!

I did some research online and found a picture that will give you an idea of what my mask is like.

When I'm done with my treatments I get to keep this mask. I'm thinking there is a potential Spiderman costume here . . . . .

Tuesday, January 12, 2010: A New Game Plan

Today's appointment went great! Every single person we met there was very nice. The doctor checked the usual spots for lymph nodes on me and he didn't find any that caused suspicion (other than the one in my neck). I will be going back tomorrow afternoon for a simulation. I think it is basically a "dry run" for treatment. They will map out where they will focus the radiation on.

My side effects should be very minimal and won't start for a few weeks. The said I may have fatigue but it won't be anywhere near as bad as the chemo fatigue. I may also have redness, dryness, itchiness and some pain on the spot that is being radiated (not sure if that is even a word!).

The plan is to go Monday-Friday for 5-6 weeks. It should only take about 20 minutes or so every day. If everything goes well tomorrow they are hoping to start treatments next week already.

I never thought I would be excited about radiation! But compared to the chemo that they were going to start me on this will be a walk in the park. Yes, it will be a pain having to go there every day for five weeks but it's only a couple miles away, painless and no needles!! Yea!

Monday, January 11, 2010: Radioactive

I am meeting with a radiology oncologist tomorrow afternoon. I couldn't believe how soon they were able to get me in. Not only that but my appointment is in Holland! Yea!!! I am going to LAROC (Lakeshore Area Radiation Oncology Center) which is only a few miles from our house. If we decide to do radiation rather than chemo I would be able to receive treatments there. That was a wonderful surprise. I never thought I would be this excited to meet with an oncologist!

The appointment will take a couple hours. I'm sure there is tons of paperwork to fill out and it sounds like we need to meet with a few different people. I'm sure it will be information overload but Brian will be coming along to help me absorb it all.

I think a lot of people that read our blog also read my sister & brother-in-law's blog. If you haven't, we have a link on the right side of our blog. My brother-in-law is in the advanced stages of ALS right now. This disease is one of the most horrible, awful diseases in the world but they have used it to bring God glory. Please keep their family in your prayers.

The Rest of the Story

I used to love listening to Paul Harvey's "and now for the rest of the story...". When I think of how old I'm getting I get...well...depressed. :) But that depressed is not the same as what we're talking about here. So here is the rest of my story.

What changed for me? I had a loving wife that gently kept pushing. She never gave up. When she e-mailed me that article at work I just sat in my chair numb. I thought to myself "I could have written this article". I read and re-read it. "How could I have been so stubborn?!" I thought to myself. God really does work in mysterious ways!

I laughed when I read the one comment from a couple days ago "I hate to tell you but I told you so." Yeah, I think many people were trying to tell me. I was just too stubborn to admit it. After all, I never thought about hurting myself so I couldn't be depressed, right?! That's what depression is, isn't it?

That can't be further from the truth. Sure, suicide can be the end result of serious depression, but suicide happens in severe cases of depression. Because you've never thought about hurting yourself doesn't mean that you may not be depressed. Any of those symptoms in that article are symptoms of depression. Untreated depression can have very serious consequences...and possibly even suicide.

Now I think about depression this way: When do you start taking a decongestant or Motrin? after you have a full blown sinus infection? No! First the sniffles, then a minor sore throat. Now you think to yourself "I better take some zinc to start fighting this cold now". You don't wait until you have a stuffed nose, cough, sore throat, sneezes and a major sinus headache before you do anything, right? So why wouldn't you talk to your doctor if you have just a few of those symptoms listed in that article. By the time you wait until you have all the symptoms it may be too late! Now just because you have one or some of those symptoms doesn't mean you're suffering from depression. But, they are all signs. Your body's way of signaling that there may be something wrong. Everyone is unique. How depression affects me will be different than how will affect the next guy. Etc., etc. The key is listen! Listen to your spouse. Listen to your loved ones. Listen to your body. If someone is telling you that you may be suffering from depression TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR!

I waited too long. The fatigue I had 24 hours a day was unbearable. I had isolated myself and gave up all of my favorite hobbies. The same day Kristi sent me that e-mail I didn't wait on calling my doctor. I called him right away. I called Kristi and told her "get the name of that shrink and make me an appointment". I was willing to go, but I didn't want to talk to anyone so she made me the appointment for me. It's a man thing. :)

I came home from work that night (it was a Friday) and I was pumped. For the first time in years things were starting to make sense. That weekend I was flying high all weekend. The next week I saw a psychologist, then a psychiatrist and started taking an antidepressant. My plan was to throw everything at it. Why not? I couldn't possibly feel any worse so it was worth the try. I can't explain how excited I was (and am).

After 2 weeks of being on the antidepressant I definitely started noticing a difference. I was less tired throughout the day. That was the biggest factor for me. After 3 weeks the change was unmistakable. I called my doctor and asked him to up my dose. I've been on this current dose for about 3 weeks now and have met with my psychologist twice and a psychiatrist once. I am still a little tired during the day but not nearly like I was. My psychiatrist said it may take 8-12 weeks to realize the full benefit of the antidepressant - but it's already working!

Not only is the fatigue getting better, I'm actually getting my spark back to start up some home improvement projects again and this past week I made it to the gym twice and didn't dread it. I actually wanted to go work out!

Looking back, I can't believe how sneaky that depression was and how it took over my life, little by little. It was so subtle how it came on. I've always considered myself a pretty reasonable, intelligent person - that's why I figured it couldn't be depression. I would know it if I was depressed. Looking back I couldn't have been more wrong.

My point in making this post and "coming out" is to educate people about depression. Many people suffer unnecessarily from depression but let it go untreated because they, like me, think they can "just deal with it" or refuse to believe they can be suffering from depression. The solution lies with your pride, your "manhood" (unless you're a woman), your willingness to admit that there may be something wrong. Once you admit that, it's one easy phone call to your doctor. Make an appointment and talk it over with him. It's a very simple appointment with life changing/altering/improving benefits. Your doctor will know. Think about it, for once you can go to the doctor and he won't even prick you with a needle, he won't probe in areas that weren't made for probing, he won't stick anything down your throat. Nope, just a few simple questions. It's completely pain-free. Wow, I sound like an infomercial. But that's how passionate I've become about this. If Oprah calls tomorrow I'll be there!

I could go on and on but I think you get the point by now. Just know that without your prayers and God's guiding this family, we couldn't make it through this storm. We do believe that God is leading us and whatever the outcome, we know it was His Will that is done - not ours.

Kristi will probably update tonight or tomorrow. She had a much better day yesterday and today.

Sorry

Well, I'm sorry to say this, but after we discussed it some more, we decided that it would be best for us to see your comments first before posting. I hope this doesn't deter people from leaving comments. We will continue to post most (nearly all) of the comments - even ones we don't necessarily agree with. The ones we will delete will be the vulgar ones or the ones with hateful intentions.


We didn't want to get to this point, but we felt that it would be best. (If you don't know what I'm talking about right now read the next post). The comment was so vulgar Kristi even made me clean up my post after I made the post (twice). I was just so mad. But...part of the growing process I guess. :)


We decided this because we know that our friends' kids (and ours) read our blog. We feel it's important you can trust that our blog will be a safe place for your older kids to go. Thanks for understanding.

Caution to parents

OK, so here's why parents should be very careful about letting their children surf the net unsupervised. A blog like this you would think would be pretty innocent. Sure, from time to time we get comments we don't necessarily agree with. But hey, that goes with the territory. If you're going to go public with your journey you have to expect that some people will be critical. That goes with the territory. You have to take the good with the bad. We accept that. Like I said before, we really don't want to get into screening comments. We appreciate most of them and like to share them all. We're not going to be like some cable channels and only air the comments we agree with. We share them all. Well, mostly all. The only ones we really delete are the vulgar ones. We had another one tonight. It was very graphic in nature and had nothing to do with the blog. Now why would someone smear a blog with a comment like that is beyond me. Bored, lonely, searching, etc. are some adjectives that come to mind. Someone that is lost maybe. Anyway, since we know this blog is read by some of our friends' kids we did delete that comment. But a warning to parents: even an innocent site like this is subject to some temporary content like that. We will delete it as fast as we can. Like I said, if it's a difference of opinion or a critical comment of our blog...don't have an issue with that. We like the differing opinions. Some are very interesting and are thought provokers. But the ones that are just vulgar and have no purpose...if you see one, please e-mail us. We will delete them. Sorry if you saw that one tonight. Kristi deleted it as soon as she saw it...but copied and pasted it into Microsoft Word so I could read it. As if we don't have enough to deal with...

Friday, January 8, 2010: Your Will Be Done

We had a comment on Brian's last post that mentioned his update "Let Your Will Be Done". Before I had read that I had already decided on the title for this post. The other post was almost exactly one year ago today. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Just over three years ago I asked God to "break me". I wanted to grow in my relationship with Him and be able to experience the amazing trust that I had seen in people that were going through life changing experiences. As we were singing the song 'Holiness" in church I still remember the line "brokenness is what you want from me". That was my prayer. It wasn't very long after praying that when I was diagnosed. Be careful what you pray for!

Earlier this week as I was processing the news we got on Monday the rest of the song 'Holiness' ran through my head . . .

So, take my heart and form it.
Take my mind and transform it.
Take my will and conform it.
To Yours, to Yours, oh, Lord

He has formed my heart and transformed my mind but my will . . . nope, I hadn't let that go yet. I was so angry after we talked to the doctor on Monday and actually questioned God. I couldn't believe that after all the signs we have seen along the way that I would beat this cancer we would now get this blow. I remember thinking "are you kidding me"? Later I realized that I had questioned the God of the universe, the one who created the world, the one who placed all the stars in the sky and the one who knows the number of hairs I have on my head.

I refused to believe this news though. I decided that I was going to beat this cancer once and for all and prove that doctor wrong. I just assumed that was what God was planning for me. I couldn't stand the thought of our children growing up without their mom. I told God that I would continue fighting this cancer but that He can't have my kids - I can't give them up. After a lot of praying, bible reading, listening to God and talking to Brian I realized how selfish this was. Did I seriously think that I could do a better job raising my kids than God could? Didn't I believe that He would take care of my family after I was gone? After a lot of going back and forth with God (hoping for a comprise) I agreed with tears streaming down my face that our children are His. They were always His.

I also struggled with the thought of dying and heaven. What is heaven really like? What happens when we die? How will I die? The process of dying scares me more than anything else. I had to give up trying to control this too. I asked God to take my will and conform it to His. It wasn't easy but once I let go of my stubbornness and gave up control I had peace. I haven't had a continuous peace - I still have my fears and questions but ultimately I know that He knows what is best for me no matter what that may be.

I am still praying for a miracle but more importantly I know whatever happens - God is in control.

Proverbs 16:9
In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

My doctor called me this afternoon. He wants us to meet with a radiation oncologist to talk about radiation as opposed to chemo. With radiation I won't lose my hair and it won't damage my bone marrow like chemo does. Radiation comes with its own kind of side effects though. They are going to call on Monday to let us know when the appointment is. In the meantime he said to cancel my chemo that was planned for next Tuesday (did a happy dance after hearing that!). We will meet with this doctor and decide whether we should return to chemo or start radiation. Well - we will plan our course with God determining our steps.

Brian is out tonight with some friends so he'll update tomorrow night with the rest of his journey through depression. It is so wonderful to see him doing projects again and not wanting to sleep all the time. I'm so proud of him for being willing to share this on the blog and so happy to have him back!

Thursday, January 7, 2010: How Depressing

Did you read that last article? If not, please do before reading this post. I highlighted in red and made bold one specific line. Kristi sent this article to me one day while I was at work. Wow, talk about getting hit in the head with a 2x4. That one line "I'm not depressed, I just don't care" became my mantra for the past year or so. And I had myself convinced that was the truth. Just like that article indicates, my depression too came on gradually. As I look back at the past 2 years I can start connecting the dots. I didn't wake up one day and say "golly, I'm really depressed today". I have to give Kristi credit. She has been telling me for 2 years that I'm probably depressed. She convinced me 2 and a half years ago to go see a counselor. I have to admit...I wasn't a willing participant. My poor attitude coupled with someone I didn't 'click' with did not help the whole psychotherapy field. In fact, it reinforced my feelings for that profession. So after just a few visits I quit going and said I was "all better".

That was the summer of 2007. Not a good summer. Well, as most of you know, our cancer story didn't end there. Nope, it kept on going. We had signs here and there that things were looking better, but those glimpses of hope were often followed shortly thereafter by bad news of some sort. Over the next 2 years we had many highs and lows. We describe it as our emotional roller coaster that never ends.

Slowly, ever so slowly, little by little, over the course of that 2 years things started to gradually change for me:

* My sleeping became worse - mainly insomnia or waking up at 2 or 3 in the morning and not falling back to sleep. I related my sleep issues to stress and sleep apnea (I'll get in to the sleep apnea in a bit). This drove me to seeking different sleeping pills (prescribed by my doctor).

* I started losing interest in things I used to enjoy. I have always been a self proclaimed 'home improvement nut'. I loved doing home improvement projects of any kind. Sometimes I would change things 'just because'. I loved landscaping. I loved running and working out. I loved to tinker in the garage. I loved to empty out cupboards and reorganize them. I could never sit still. I was always doing something...and enjoying it! Well, slowly I started losing interest in these things. One by one, not all at once. Gradually over a couple years I stopped doing all of those. Kristi recognized this and although she enjoyed having me around more (OK, so sometimes I would go a little overboard on my projects and completely immerse myself in them), she knew something was wrong. She would drop little hints here and there, and eventually the little hints became less and less subtle. "Um, honey, you really need to get help - you're depressed!" And of course I would reply "I'm not depressed, I just don't care anymore, seriously". I had myself convinced.

* Then I started losing interest in hanging out with my friends. I preferred to be alone. I convinced myself I just needed quiet time. After all, I was too tired to go out. I would make excuses why I couldn't come over or go skiing. Before you know it, I wasn't doing anything. Again, none of this happened over night - it was a gradual pull-away.

* Low sex drive? Na, not going there - TMI. Ewe.

* Irritable/agitated?! Kristi said some days she felt like she had to walk around like on egg shells. I would blame my bad mood on a "messy" house. The house would be perfectly clean except for one bag of chips left out by the kids, for example. So what do I do? I pick up the bag of chips like a football and drop kick it across the room...chips exploding everywhere. That's a normal reaction, isn't it?! Yup, perfectly acceptable behavior. NOT. I was also grumpy all the time with the kids - just attributed that to their age and me being a man (cold hearted).

* Forgetfulness/difficulty concentrating? Yup. I used to say "if my head weren't attached to my shoulders I would leave the house without it".

* Menstrual problems? Well, they haven't been too bad.

* Fatigue - YA! This was my biggest issue. There were days where it was extremely difficult to get out of bed. Again, this got worse slowly as time went on. The last 3 or 4 months of 2009 pretty much every holiday or vacation day or weekend I would just stay in bed. I was getting increasingly frustrated with my doctor why he couldn't "fix" me. He did all the appropriate blood work, I had a stress test at the hospital, I tried different meds and nothing helped. He too tried telling me it could be depression. "Na, men don't get depressed." I convinced myself it was my sleep apnea. I was diagnosed with moderately severe sleep apnea in 2005. On and off I have been using a CPAP machine to sleep. If sleep apnea goes untreated it can lead to serious issues later in life. So I really need to use the CPAP machine (it keeps my throat open so I don't stop breathing in my sleep). The mask is very uncomfortable. Imagine trying to fall asleep with 2 thumbs stuck up your nose with a vacuum hose stuck to those that runs to a machine blowing air up your nostrils. That describes my mask, seriously! Sure enough, every night I would wake up (from my Ambien induced sleep) and rip off the CPAP mask. So I attributed my fatigue to my lack of using the CPAP machine.

* Suicidal thoughts? No. I never have considered hurting myself. But, if depression goes undiagnosed and gets serious enough it can eventually lead to those thoughts. I used to think 'how could someone ever kill themselves?!' Well, guess what...now I understand. Although I never had those thoughts, look how all of these things happened gradually. I have no doubt that in time I could have gotten that bad if I didn't seek help. I understand completely now.

See how I made excuses for everything?! In my mind everything was justified. All the excuses were legitimate and the fact that all of these things were gradual made the idea of depression foreign to me. Depression comes on in an instant, doesn't it? That's what I thought. When Kristi sent me that article it was like "wow! Slap me on the face and call me Gumby."

So what changed? Sorry, tune in this weekend for part 2. I will tell you about how I came to realize I was depressed and what I'm doing about it. But now I need to get the kids ready for bed...Kristi is not feeling well so she went up to our room to read and rest.

An update on Kristi: well, she has been a bit down the past day and a half. I think this week is all catching up to her. She's been thinking a lot about dying yesterday and today. The kids have also been asking questions. The tumor in her neck is also getting larger...it's tripled in size in the past week and it's quite sore. So, just a lot on her mind. I'm trying to keep her distracted by talking about anything but cancer as much as possible. We usually talk about 'it' every night before bed. Until then I'm just trying to keep her distracted. You can help too! If you happen to see her at church or at school, don't mention the "c" word! If you take the vowels out, CaNCeR is a 4 letter word and it's not polite to say 4 letter words. Thanks for helping. So many emotions. So many tears. So many prayers around this house lately.

Thank you for praying for this family. We are very humbled and grateful by the outpouring of love everyone has shown us.

Could You Be Depressed and Not Know It?

By Jenny Stamos Kovacs

"Could you be depressed and not know it?" This sounds like a ridiculous question. After all, wouldn't you know if you were depressed? Possibly not. Depression can take hold gradually, without a person realizing that depressive thoughts and feelings are increasingly dominating their perspective - and their life.

Many people assume that depression is easily identifiable, manifesting itself as persistent sadness that doesn't lift. In fact, symptoms of depression can take a variety of forms. Chances are that if you are reading this article, you have the feeling that something isn't quite right. You may find that you are tired all the time, and all you want to do is sleep. Depression can also trigger insomnia, forgetfulness, and an inability to take pleasure in normal activities. According to Eve Wood, MD, "People often say, 'I'm not depressed; I just don't care', but that indifference can signal depression." It turns out that excessive fatigue, insomnia, and joylessness can all be symptoms of depression.

As subtle and confusing as signs of depression can sometimes be, it's important to remember that depression is a serious illness that can cramp lives, cast a shadow over families, and even lead to suicide. A growing body of research has documented the serious and chronic effects of depression on the human brain - effects that can make a person susceptible to future incidents of depression and misdiagnosis of depression is high. The good news is that depression can be effectively treated.

Symptoms of Depression:
* Changes in weight, sleep or appetite: These signs of depression can be confusing because depending on the individual, they can take very different forms. Some depressed individuals want to sleep all the time, for example, while others may experience insomnia.
* Physical symptoms of depression that won't go away, like fatigue, headaches, back aches, digestive disorders, chronic pain, or menstrual problems
* Anxiety
* Agitation, irritability
* Forgetfulness or difficulty concentrating
* Low sex drive
* Pessimistic or hopeless outlook on life: While there are plenty of reasons to be pessimistic about the future, a depressed person is more apt to dwell on negative events and be unable to find anything to be happy about.
* Feelings of guilt or helplessness
* General apathy and lack of interest or pleasure in customary activities
* Thoughts of suicide

Experts say that certain behaviors can also be a sign of underlying depression. "People often engage in behaviors that signal "masked depression," says psychologist Lara Honos-Webb, PhD, author of Listening to Depression. Compulsive shopping, working, eating, or drinking alcohol can be signs of depression -- particularly when one feels empty or anxious when they're not participating in these activities.

What Are the Causes of Depression?
Experts say that depression is caused by an interaction of genetic factors and real life triggers. Because depression often runs in families, experts believe that genetic factors make some people more vulnerable to than others, because of their individual brain chemistry.

Depression triggers can include:
* Situational factors: Major problems and life crises -- a romantic break-up, job loss, or the death of a loved one, for example -- are often the immediate, most obvious causes of depression. But ongoing life challenges like poverty, unemployment, and social isolation, as well as childhood trauma, also put people at higher risk for depression.
* Medical factors: Chronic pain or illness can lead to depression. Certain medical conditions -- including hypothyroidism, cancer, and hepatitis -- can cause depression. Nutritional deficiencies and some medications are culprits as well. Therefore, it's important that treatment for depression include a medical evaluation.
* Stress: A connection between chronic stress and depression has been established and could explain why stressful life situations, like poverty and unemployment, put people at far higher risk for depression.

Treatment for Depression:
According to depression experts at the American Psychological Association, you should seek treatment for depression if it persists for more than two weeks -- particularly if your depression is severe enough to interfere with normal life activities. If you suspect that you are depressed, talk to your physician, who can rule out physical causes and refer you to a mental health professional.

Experts now understand that depression has to do with shifts in brain chemistry, so a piece of the treatment puzzle involves re-balancing chemicals, Wood says. But it doesn't have to involve medication. The best treatment for your symptoms depends on your individual story, she says; whether you've been depressed before, and whether your symptoms keep you in bed all day or simply sap your energy. So try to describe your history and symptoms as precisely as possible when you speak to your physician and psychotherapist.

Treatment for depression usually involves psychotherapy, antidepressants, or both, according to Susan G. Kornstein, MD, a professor in Virginia Commonwealth University's School of Medicine. Experts now believe that a combination of both is most effective. There is evidence that in many cases, psychotherapy works as well as antidepressants do, and there are no side effects, according to Whiffen. Interpersonal Therapy (IPT) for example, focuses on improving the patient's relationships to help reduce depressive symptoms.

For many people, antidepressants are very effective in treating depression, particularly when depression is severe or persistent. We don't completely understand how antidepressants work, but we do know that they readjust the balance in brain chemicals known as neurotransmitters. There are currently many different types of antidepressants on the market, so be sure to work with a psychiatrist who can help you find the medication that is most effective for you.

To read the entire article, go to: http://www.webmd.com/depression/features/could-you-be-depressed-not-know

Brian will share some of his story tomorrow regarding his dealing face to face with depression.

Tuesday, January 5, 2009: Bittersweet

Today was a good day. I went to church where I work in the nursery during Coffee Break and got my baby fix and also got to hang out with my friend that works in there as well. There is just the two of us and the most babies we have had is three. Good food, great friend and three adorable babies - it's rough but someone has to do it!

I think I was quite guarded today and wouldn't let my armor down. I didn't want to cry because if even one tear slips then I will start sobbing. Sheryl was awesome - she let me have a "normal" hour of catching up and just talking about things other than cancer.

I was afraid to look people in their eyes because I see the pity, fear and sadness in them. I was hugged many times and found out that a lot of people didn't sleep very well last night after reading the update. I'm thinking we could fill a swimming pool with all the tears that have been shed.

I talked to my nurse today and my first round of chemo is next week Tuesday. We decided to do treatment every three weeks rather than a weekly treatment. If this becomes physically too difficult for me we will switch to the weekly routine.

I was reading back in the blog to last year and the first couple of treatments didn't really cause any problems but by the third round a cumulative effect had built up and I wasn't doing so well. I will be getting all three of those doses at once next week. I just found out today that my hair will fall out with this chemo. I can't believe I have to go through that again. At least this time I know what to expect and I still have my hats and scarves.

Okay, enough thinking about that - it will be 2 to 3 weeks before that happens. Won't do me any good to dwell on it now. I will end this post with a letter that Ashley wrote tonight . . . . .


Thank you???

Hi Cancer, how are you? Where are you? oh wait, you're in my mom. I have probably asked this before but, why are you in her? She already has other things to deal with, but then of course, you had to come along and cause bad things. You may think it’s funny but I’m not laughing, no one is laughing. Yet, some how, part of my body want’s to say thank you, thank you for bringing us closer to God. Before you came, we were just a family who went to Church, and all of that but now, we are Praising God all of the time! We are not a family who just goes to Church every Sunday because we have to but because we want to and because we want to glorify Christ in any way we can! I know that in this little “speech” I said things that you did not not want to hear, like when I said Thank you. You wanted to hear, grrrrrrrrr. No, I am not that kind of person, I am a person who fights, who sets a goal and accomplishes it, I AM A PERSON WHO WILL NOT STOP FIGHTING THIS BATTLE!!! Same for my mom, she will not stop fighting! She is a person who fight’s, sets goals and accomplishes them and a person who will NOT stop fighting you no matter what you do to her! So step away from her, in the future, I see a miracle! I know that God has wonderful plans for my mom and that he will take care of her! Like my mom has said before,................SHE HAS GOT A STORY TO TELL! I’m just guessing here but, I think it will be a pretty good story! (just kidding, I am not guessing, I know that it will be a great story)! SO GET AWAY CANCER AND NEVER COME BACK!

Written by Ashley Rogalske, a person who does not give up!!

Monday, January 4, 2010: An Uphill Battle that We WILL Win!

I know there are a lot of you out there that have been anxiously waiting for this update. Sorry this took so long but we needed to make some phone calls and talk to the kids before we got the word out. You've probably figured out by now that we did not receive very good news. Dr. Downey actually confirmed some of our worst fears today.

We were able to make it out of the room and the building with minimal tears but completely lost it when we got in the van. Brian and I just held each other sobbing and trying to absorb the shock.

The results from the biopsy confirmed that the cancer has metastasized. This is not a good word to hear. It means that the cancer is still attacking and it is branching out. Right now, he believes it is confined in the area where they removed some lymph nodes because that was the only area that lit up on the PET scan, but it could be in other lymph nodes as well.

The next typical spot it would head for would be my lungs. He gave us some warning signs to watch for and so far I don't have any of them. Also, my CA125 level went up to 192.

I will be starting chemo again next week. It is the same chemo that I did last January which seemed to be quite effective with minimal side effects. They sent the tumor for testing to find out what chemo would be most effective but those results will probably not be in for a couple weeks yet.

Dr. Downey told us today that he does not believe that my cancer is curable. He mentioned this before but also said it was treatable then. We asked him straight out today what he believes my prognosis is. I'm sure this will be difficult to read as it is very difficult to type. He doesn't believe that I will make it another 5 years.

This kicked us in the gut and knocked us down. I don't remember feeling such fear and helplessness before. This is the kind of thing that happens to other people. Not to our family. It was a quiet ride home.

All this being said . . . I am still going to win this battle! When we first got into the van after the news the song "I Can Only Imagine" was playing. I wanted to scream. Why? Why after all these signs that I was going to win would this happen? I felt like this song was confirming my fears.

As we left the parking lot "Jesus Calling" was playing. I heard the words "you may think the sky above is falling, but can you hear Jesus calling?" At this point I was afraid that was confirming that Jesus was calling me through the first song and saying that I would not need to "only imagine" anymore.

The next song I heard was "He is Mighty to Save". That one caught me off guard. Mighty to save? A weight started to lift off my shoulders at this point. Right after the song the dj was talking about how God uses scriptures and songs to speak to us. He said sometimes when we're not paying attention He will just keep sending messages to us until we listen. At this point I started crying again but tears of joy. The last song was Mighty To Save.

I started to think back. Was the song I Can Only Imagine playing because He was telling me that I still at this point will only be able to imagine? Then the song Jesus Calling . . . was He getting my attention at that point to remind me that He is mighty to save?

Could it be that we will have that miracle that I need? Was God telling me this? I only know that I felt a huge weight lifted and I had a peace that I never thought I would have again. The last song I heard was "Until The Whole World Hears" - these are the lyrics

Ready yourselves, ready yourselves
Let us shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night.
Ready yourselves, ready yourselves
May the powers of darkness tremble as our praises rise.
Until the whole world hears Lord we are calling out.
Lifting up Your name for all to hear the sound.
Like voices in the wilderness we're crying out
as the day draws near we'll sing until the whole world hears . . .

The poem that I posted this morning just came to me. I wasn't even thinking about it. He said "your faith has made you well, now get out there - you've got a story to tell!". What power that would be to tell the world about how God helped us beat all the odds and survive this cancer. Now that's a story to tell!

This has lifted a huge weight from me. We are still mad, in shock, disappointed, numb and emotionally drained but these songs give me hope. Those songs weren't just a coincidence. We are still planning on chemo and doing everything in our power to kick this cancer's butt. Ultimately it's in God's hands.

We have talked to the kids which was very hard. They are aware that we need a miracle. They are also aware that miracles can happen. I don't think that they really want to talk about it yet with a lot of people so if you see them, please just give them a hug or a smile or talk about the Tigers :)

We enjoyed a quiet night at home tonight. Friends brought supper for us tonight and it was delicious! The friend that wached Emily for us today brought her back with a loaf of pumpkin bread - yummy too! We've enjoyed a "normal" night together as a family. We even got a game of Apples to Apples in. The little details of life seem to be jumping out to me now.

I will beat this cancer. I still have kids to raise and a husband to grow old with. And I have a story to tell.

Monday, January 4, 2010: A Story to Tell

I will beat this cancer - oh yes I will.
It won't be from chemo or a magic pill.
God told me "your faith has made you well;
now get out there - you've got a story to tell"!

Sunday, January 3, 2010: Twas the Night Before . . .

Twas the night before the appointment and all through the house,
the anxiety was increasing - not because of a mouse.
The appointment tomorrow will give us some news
we're praying that it won't have us singing the blues.

What will he say, what will we find out?
This doctor is known to have lots of doubt.
They talk about statistics but we trust in God.
He can do anything with simply a nod.

The purpose of everything is to glorify Him
even if the results are disappointing and grim.
We try so hard to figure things out
but He has the plan - of this there's no doubt.

We can worry and stress about what we may hear
but God simply tells us - be still and draw near.
We trust in God's plan, whatever it may be
but we're praying to hear "she is now cancer free!"

I'll admit it - I'm scared - of what we may hear
He'll give us the details and confirm our worst fears.
There is no point in stressing about what tomorrow may bring
because all of that worrying won't change a thing.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

Tuesday, December 29, 2009: I Will Praise You In This Storm

This morning I was sitting in a waiting room while I waited for Nathan. The song "I Will Praise You In This Storm" started playing and I knew in my heart at that point that the cancer had returned. It was God's way of preparing me for the news I would receive just a couple hours later.

Dr. Downey (or as we now call him "Downer-Downey") called this afternoon and said that the lymph node that was removed was cancerous. I asked if they could tell if it was just a trace of cancer or full of cancer and he said "it was more than a trace - we need to get together and discuss treatment options". Soooooo, back on the merry-go-round we go. Actually I guess it is more like a scary-go-round.

Right now there is still a messy house calling my name, sleepovers to be planned, supper to make and all that good stuff. I am actually doing okay and probably will be fine until next week Monday at our appointment. Right now I don't want to think about it. Cancer, what cancer? I don't know nothing about no cancer.

I will get my CA125 tested later this week and we'll talk to Dr. Downey on Monday. We will get more details then. Until then . . . there is no cancer.

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen" and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Saturday, December 26, 2009: Blah, blah, blah

Usually the title is the first thing that comes to mind when I update. Today there was nothing. Just "blah". Blah, blah, blah. Can you tell what kind of mood I'm in? In a nutshell, I have grounded myself to my bedroom because I can't seem to be pleasant to anyone. I have a tendency to be sarcastic or so Brian tells me. He quite often will say "sarcasm is always aggressive" to which I respond "yeah, so what's your point??!!" So now you know why I'm grounded.

I have been meaning to update the blog for a few days now but the busyness of the season has taken over the week. I have wanted to be Mary. I have tried and tried but Martha takes over. I have good intentions - I start out with my Martha hat on because I needed to get the last of the presents bought and wrapped, the cards addressed and all those fun activities. I intend to take my Martha hat off but suddenly Martha goes into overdrive. No time to sit at Jesus feet now - there are goodies to bake, the house is a mess, on and on and on.

I will rationalize that when everything is done then I can sit down and read a devotion. I'll enjoy it much more if the house is clean and I'm not distracted. It will be easier to focus if my to-do list is done. On and on I go until there is nothing physically or emotionally left to give. I'll crack open a devotional as I'm laying in bed drifting off to sleep so I can check off my "spent time with God today" box off my list.

I have had a few times where I just stopped the nonsense. I opened my bible and read through some Psalms, I found a devotional that really spoke to me, I connected with God and the world fell away. Life was good in that moment and that was all I wanted. Slowly though the world called out (or more likely the kids started fighting, the timer went off reminding me that we needed to leave or anxiety just started making its way into my mind).

I have been struggling with the whole gift thing this year. I love buying gifts for the kids. I can't wait to see the look on their face when they open it up. This year was no different - I sat with anticipation as they unwrapped their gifts and saw the sparkle in their eye as they realized what was in front of them. But then there was this emptiness. This look of "I need more". All the gifts were unwrapped, paper was strewn all over. All the time I had spent figuring out the perfect gift, finding the perfect gift, hiding the perfect gift and finally wrapping the perfect gift was gone. Poof. All the anticipation and poof, gone. I wasn't mad at the kids - it's human nature to always want more, to need more. They weren't asking for more - I could just sense this feeling of unfulfillment.

As I type this I wonder if that is what God sees when He looks at me. He gave us the only truly perfect gift this world has to offer. The only gift that can give us eternal joy. I accepted that gift a long time ago. I grew up in a Christian home - that gift was given to me when I was born. I grew up being taught about this gift. I went to church every Sunday and learned even more. I was diagnosed with cancer and this gift was made crystal clear to me. Over the past 40 years (yes, I said "40"!) I have listened to, learned about and shared this gift with others.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life". John 3:16

A friend of mine just recently wrote on her care pages how we tend to put this gift that God gave us into a box. A little box that we don't open. That is so true. I know I put it into one. I carefully pull it out when it is time to read the bible or work on bible study. I think I may only even lift a corner of it. That gift should be unwrapped, opened up and front and center every single minute!
In this world where there is cancer, ALS, starving children both far away and close to home, sadness, depression, terrorism and things so horrible our minds can't even comprehend them there is also this gift. This gift that I have clung to - that I have been holding tight to my chest with my arms wrapped around it. I cling to this gift as I force myself to get out of bed every morning. I hold tight as I make myself take that next step. I grasp it as I go into surgery. I hold on to it fiercely when my mind starts to go ahead to that phone call . . . "the biopsy came back - your cancer has metastasized - we need to start treatment right away".

Maybe I need to quit clinging to that gift so tightly and let it go. I need to open it up again and keep it out in front of me where I can see it. I'm not quite sure how to go about this. I knew I needed to update the blog and process all this. I feel better now and yet still scared to death at the same time. This last surgery has scared me more than I realized it would. Although "George" has been removed he must have gotten a good right hook in before he left because it feels like someone punched me in the neck. When I feel that pain I am mentally reminded of why I have pain, what was removed during surgery and the results that it may bring.

I think it is time to stuff those thoughts into a box now! All the anxiety and fear needs to be stuffed into a box - the box needs to be taped up - then the taped up box needs to be thrown into the bottom of an ocean! Maybe then I can unwrap the gift of Jesus. While I'm at it maybe I can stuff Satan and all of his army that likes to fling fiery darts at my brain into a box too. I can tie it up real tight, put a heavy anchor on it and fling that into the ocean too. I know it will slowly creep back up out of the murky water but if I can just get that gift of Jesus opened up fully then the brightness can block out all those nasty other boxes that are trying to take away my focus, time and energy.

It seems like we can so easily say "thank you God for the gift of your son". Right now I am so thankful for that gift. That is the one gift this season that will leave us fulfilled - that is if we remember to open it.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009: Goodbye George

We named the tumor the doctor removed "George". George was an unwanted guest for Christmas. Sorry, not to be rude, but George had to go! The surgery went well today. The doctor removed the swollen lymph node and now it will be sent for a biopsy. She said it was about the size of a small marble. Because of Christmas we probably won't get test results until Monday. Our prayers for a smooth surgery were answered!

Monday, December 21, 2009: Fight Like A Girl!

First I just need to say yes!! I figured out how to put this link on our blog all by myself!!! Woohoo! Now I should explain what "fight like a girl" is :)

I have been following a blog for about a month now of a fellow cancer fighter. I met Amy quite a few years back when we were both helping in the nursery during Coffee Break. She was also my nurse a few years ago when I had to make a late night visit to the ER for a blood transfusion.

Amy is an amazing woman and I find myself reliving the initial diagnosis of my cancer through her experience. At first it overwhelmed me as the memories flooded back. Although we have different types of cancer - many of the other aspects have been the same. We are both young moms (okay so she is younger than me but it sure sounded good!), we both know God will see us through and we are both kicking cancer's butt!

On top of singing God's praises during this time she is also raising awareness of breast cancer. She is having t-shirts made with the logo the I have at the top of the blog. I love it! If you are interested in buying one here is the link to her blog - http://fightinglikeagirl-amy.blogspot.com/.

On another note, tomorrow is surgery day. A nurse called today to go over my medical history and all that fun stuff. She asked me what surgery I was having done tomorrow and I said that I was having a lymph node removed from my neck. She told me that the official term for it was supraclavicular lymph node something or other. Personally I think "having a lymph node removed" is much easier to remember :)

My surgery is scheduled for 11:44 AM tomorrow and we need to arrive at 9:45. I have been okay most of the weekend and haven't really thought much about it. I had a couple times today that my eyes teared up and fear tried to take over. I was able to pray it away though. I just keep telling myself it's just a "drug induced nap". I honestly don't think we will have any results until after Christmas and it is actually the results that scare me more than the surgery itself. Although I'm not very excited about the needle for the iv in my hand thing. Never have liked it and never will!

Brian's parents will be at our house with the kids tomorrow and my parents will be with Brian at the hospital. I will be with the doctors and nurses and more importantly, God will be with us all.

December 17, 2009: Guess who turned 40...

this is Brian. It wasn't me!

hmmmmm

S U R P R I S E !!!!!!!!

Saturday, December 12, 2009: "Mary" Christmas

The song "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" was playing the other day. I found myself singing along . . . "have yourself a merry little Christmas - let your heart be light - from now on our troubles will be out of sight". I bitterly thought . . . our troubles will be out of sight? Ha! They are right her smack dab in front of me and not going anywhere anytime soon (can you tell it was a bad day?).

I was also wondering how it was possible that although I couldn't remember appointments on the calendar, phone calls I needed to return and things I needed to get done, somehow I was able to remember all the words to these old Christmas songs! That's another story though.

I've been busy lately with the "gotta find the perfect gift for the kids, hurry up and get the cards mailed out, get all the parties planned and on and on". I found myself in the toy aisle at a store yesterday just watching parents just walking around with a blank look on their face trying to decide on the perfect gift for their child.

I was pretty depressed on my way home and the song Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas popped in my mind. Instead of hearing the promises that our troubles are going to miles away I focused on two words. Merry Christmas. However, the "merry" I was thinking about was actually "Mary". Have a "Mary" Christmas. I have been having a "Martha" Christmas! I've been obsessed with do, do, do and go, go, go and have not spent any time just sitting at Jesus' feet like Mary did. I haven't focused in on the true meaning of Christmas.

I initially felt guilty but could almost hear God saying "it's not too late, you can still have a Mary Christmas". I still need to keep my Martha hat on because there are parties to plan, cards to mail, gifts to buy and all that good stuff that needs to be done. I am going to make a point of putting the Mary hat on along with the Martha hat though. And sometimes I need to just be Mary. This year I am going to have a very, Mary Christmas.

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Wednesday, December 9, 2009: Quick Update

A very quick update tonight . . . we made it fine to the doctors appointment . . . the storm held off for us. The doctor was great - we really liked her. She agrees that the lymph node should come out. My surgery is scheduled for December 22. We are feeling very good about it. That's all for now - will update more tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009: He's Not Finished With Me Yet

This morning I read what I had typed the night before. Wow, I was bitter. That was what I felt at the time though. Bitter, disappointed, numb and lost. Next I read the comments that people left. Wow again. Your words were so encouraging.

Later this morning the song Wait and See by Brandon Health was playing on the radio. When I turned it on these were the words that I heard . . .

Still wondering why I'm here. Still wrestling with my fear but oh... He's up to something. And the farther on I go - I've seen enough to know that I'm not here for nothing. He's up to something.

There is hope for me yet because God won't forget all the plans he's made for me. I have to wait and see - he's not finished with me yet.

I've heard this song many times before and have always liked it. Today it really hit home. It was as if God was saying "hang in there - I'm not done with you yet".

Our appointment tomorrow is at 4:00. I'm hoping this storm everyone is talking about will hold out long enough that we can get there and back safely (the appointment is in Grand Rapids). The doctor will evaluate the lump tomorrow and decide if surgery is even possible. We'll update again tomorrow night.

Thanks so much for your prayers and encouragement - they pulled me out of a dark and lonely place.

Yea, yea, yea!!!! I just heard that my grandpa's tests came back from surgery . . . the cancer was contained and they believe they got it all out!!!!! Woohoooooooo!!!!!

Monday, December 7, 2009: Cancer Shmancer

I wasn't sure what to title this post. Cancer sucks. Stupid cancer. I hate cancer. No happy ending. It's more than just a lymph node. Clear PET scan - not!! All sorts of ideas but "cancer shmancer" kept coming to my mind.

My lump is more than just a lymph node. It's most likely a cancerous lymph node that needs to be removed. I'm not sure what the radiologist was thinking when he decided myPET scan had "nothing to be concerned about". Ha! We were able to look at the scan today and could see the lump and it was very bright. My doctor noticed it right away - I'm guessing they didn't want me worrying about it all weekend long so they didn't tell me.

I have an appointment with a surgeon at 4:00 on Wednesday. She will feel the lump then and decide if it is able to be removed or not. If it is, then we will set up an appointment. It would be an outpatient procedure and I would be under general anesthesia. Just one more surgery to add to my ever-growing list.

They will send it to be biopsied and my doctor should have the pathology reports within a couple days. He said it's not imperative that it is removed right away but if they have an opening before Christmas we should take it. From a financial perspective it would be best to have it before next year. I've already met my out-of-pocket maximum for this year. I'm pretty sure I met it before January was even done.

Brian and I had a very quiet ride home this afternoon. What do you say at this point? Well, other than "cancer sucks". Big time. I'm mad, sad, overwhelmed, discouraged and numb all at the same time. I'm mostly just numb.

I started looking at the pictures on my cell phone as we were driving home. Brian asked me what I was doing (actually he asked me if I was texting my boyfriend - even during times like this he can make me smile). I told him I was looking at all the reasons I have to fight. I'm so tired and don't know that I have a lot of fight in me. Looking at the pictures of my family though reminds me that I can and will fight. Eventually this stupid cancer will realize it picked the wrong person to mess with!

Brian's turn:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Here's a message to cancer:
I HATE YOU

Saturday, December 5, 2009: Happy Endings

I love movies with happy endings. If I know ahead of time that a movie has a sad ending I won't even watch it. I have enough going on in my own life that I don't need to be shedding tears over fictional characters.

We have had a lot of happy endings over here lately. Two weeks ago we were anxiously awaiting scans, surgeries and test results in our family. Our first news was to hear that Eric's surgery went well and was a success - yea! The next day my PET scan results came back "nothing of concern" - more yea! A couple days later we heard that the test results for Brian's uncle had come back great and he didn't need to go back for 2 years - yea, yea, yea! And just two days ago my grandpa had his surgery and guess what? The doctors were happy with the surgery. Can you hear the hallelujah chorus??

Despite all these happy endings I still find myself dwelling on the fact that so much pain, suffering and disease has hit our family. Once my mind starts down that path it snowballs out of control. As I was thinking about this a verse came to my mind . . .

"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

I've discovered that when I focus on that and not on my problems that life becomes much easier to bear. I've been doing better with my quiet time with God and during those times I feel like I could conquer anything. I've even gotten to the point that I was able to tell God that if the cancer comes back I will be okay because I know that He works all things for His good - for His glory. It has taken me a very long time to get to that point. Unfortunately shortly after I feel that peace life can overwhelm me and I'm filled with anxiety and fearing the worst.

I read in a book recently that when you hold a nickel up to your eye it can block out the sun. Something as little as a nickel can block out something as huge as the sun. It is because our focus is completely on the nickel. If we would look up then we would realize how small that nickel really is. If we take our eyes off our problems and look up to God and remember His power it will put things back into perspective. However, we are human and that is just not in our nature. I am trying though, really trying to keep that nickel out of my vision.

Tomorrow at 3:45 Brian and I will be meeting with Dr. Downey. He will be checking the lumps that I found in my neck. I have gone from fearing that I have lymphoma or thyroid cancer (yes, I made the mistake of looking on the internet) to deciding that it is just simply a swollen lymph node that is fighting some sort of virus.

Right now it is way past my bedtime so I am headed to bed. I will update again tomorrow night with what I am hoping will be good news.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009: Results

My PET scan came back with "nothing of concern"! I was quite surprised to hear that - surprised and extremely happy! They did say something about my lymph nodes - I can't remember exactly what she said (I was still thinking about the fact that there was nothing to be concerned about!). They said that they weren't enlarged though and they were the same size they were in 2006 so they are not concerned at this point.

I found a couple lumps under my collar bone that are concerning me. Initially it was one lump the size of a pea, now it's two lumps and they seem to be getting bigger. My doctor is going to check it out on Monday and if he feels there is any concern he will have them biopsied or removed or both. I'm just praying that they will be gone by Monday!

Eric's surgery went good on Tuesday! They were able to put the feeding tube in and they have people coming to their house to show them how to use it. I am so, so, so happy that the surgery was successful and that Lori was able to have peace during his surgery.

We are still waiting on the results for Brian's uncle - hopefully they will hear soon. My grandpa is scheduled for surgery on Friday. He will need to stay in the hospital for about a week and then recover a few weeks in a nursing home after that. This will be a big adjustment for my grandma. The hospital he is going to is in Grand Rapids and my grandma is not able to drive. I will keep everyone updated with this and would really appreciate prayers for our family.

Sunday, November 29, 2009: A Week of Uncertainty

It is so quiet right now I can hear the clock ticking. The house is dark with the exception of the lights glowing on the Christmas tree. The rain that was annoying me earlier today is now quietly tapping on the windows.

We are now officially done with a long weekend that has been filled with go, go, go. It started last Wednesday with my PET scan. We've been to Thanksgiving meals with the family, a wedding shower, and a fund raiser. We also put up the Christmas tree and decorations (since we had so much extra time - not). I just came from the last Thanksgiving get-together which was in Jenison with Brian's family. Nathan and I had to leave early so we could get him to church in time for practice.

So now I sit alone in silence. The initial feeling was "aaaaaahhhhhh". Physically it is great to finally crash. Mentally though it's never a good thing to have a mind that has nothing to focus on. As I look at our calendar for next week I start to stress out. Brian's uncle will be receiving the results tomorrow from a test last week to check his carotid artery. My brother-in-law is scheduled to have a feeding tube put in on Tuesday. If my grandpa gets the "all clear" on Tuesday from his doctor he will have surgery on Friday. I will be jumping every time the phone rings wondering if it is my doctor with the results of my PET scan or a family member calling with an update.

As I started to wonder how I was going to make it through the uncertainty of this week I had a thought that comforted me. God already knows what this week will bring. He already knows the results that I will hear and knows what I will need from Him to make it through. There is no way I can survive this week on my own and yet I am sure I will try hard to take control. I will try to be super-mom and get my kids everywhere they need to be (which itself alone seems to be a full-time job!), keep the house picked up, get laundry caught up and put meals on the table. I will run from store to store trying to find the right Christmas gift at the best possible price. I will try to plan menu's and start thinking about Christmas parties. I will do whatever it is that I do that seems to take up every minute of my day. I will fall into bed exhausted at the end of the day feeling like I didn't accomplish anything. It is usually at that point that I realize in my quest to become super-woman that I didn't even stop to say a prayer. I didn't stop and just listen to what God had to say. Despite my best intentions, I will have tried to take control of something that is out of my control.

One of my favorite books is "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World". This morning I read this . . . . "When we put work before worship, we put the cart before the horse. The cart is important; so is the horse. But the horse must come first, or we end up pulling the cart ourselves." I'm tired of pulling the cart.

I am so thankful that our God is filled with such patience and grace. I have been trying to be more focused on Him and less on me. I have tried to be aware of His presence all day long. I have the best of intentions and quite often fail miserably. Every time I do though He just says "that's okay, stand up, wipe the dust off and let's try this again".

So now I'll stand up, wipe the dust off and go forward through this week. One day at a time, one thing at a time and sometimes just one minute at a time. I will survive this week and by God's grace I will do it with a smile on my face, focus in my mind and peace in my heart.

In the world of Martha and Mary's I am definitely a Martha. This week I will try my best to be Mary and choose "the better thing" . . .

"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen the better thing and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42

Wednesday, November 25, 2009: The Test is Done, The Wait Has Begun

The pet scan went well today. I was extremely tired this morning (I wasn't able to sleep good last night). My blood sugar was at 68 because of the low carb diet. Combine low sugar with the sleepiness and I was a zombie. I was able to sleep while waiting for the sugar water to flow through my veins. They put the iv in my arm with minimal pain (yeah!). Everyone was super nice there and treated me like royalty. I think the best part was when they took the iv out of my arm and then brought a tray filled with snacks and drinks - hooray for carbs!

After eating some cheese & crackers and a granola bar I felt a lot better. I washed it down with hot chocolate - yum. I was home shortly after noon and then slept for a few hours. My stomach is upset now because of the contrast I drank but that always happens after my ct scans too. I should be back to normal by tomorrow.

I was considered to be "radioactive" until 2:00 this afternoon. That was a bit strange. I can't imagine the amount of toxins that went through my body today. The pros outweighed the cons for me having this scan. Now we wait for the results. Tick tock. It will probably be the middle of next week before we hear anything. So far I'm doing okay with it. We have a busy weekend so that will keep my mind off of it.

Tomorrow we are going to count our blessings and instead of thinking about everything we want we will be thankful for what we have.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009: I Want My Carbs Back!

To prepare for the PET scan tomorrow I had to follow a very low carb diet today. I didn't realize how much I love my carbs! I will not be able to eat anything when I wake up in the morning but the scan is so early (7:40) that my stomach won't even be awake yet :)

From what I understand, I need to arrive at 7:30 and 7:40 is the scan. They will inject a glucose something or other (I think I saw the word radioactive - yikes!). I need to sit still for 90 minutes after that. I will have a private room with a tv and dvd player during that time. The actual scan may take between 30-60 minutes.

Right now I'm not too nervous. I probably won't have any results until the end of next week. I need to get up at 6:00 AM tomorrow (if anyone reading this is an early riser say a prayer then that I will actually be able to get out of bed at that time!). I know, I'm spoiled. I'm sure there are a lot of people that get up that early or earlier every day.

I'm off to bed now. If I want to be able to function tomorrow morning I'll need all the sleep I can get!

Saturday, November 21, 2009: Family

My PET scan has been scheduled for next Wednesday already. I'm glad to get it done so soon but at the same time I'm nervous and not looking forward to another round of the waiting game. My nurse said it takes at least 5 days to get results plus we'll have the holiday weekend so it will be a while before we hear anything.

I mentioned in an earlier post that my grandpa was diagnosed with colon cancer. He had a ct scan this week and the cancer appears to be confined in his colon and has not spread. They believe it was caught early and he will be meeting with a specialist soon.

I think a lot of people reading our blog also read my sister and brother-in-laws blog as well. If you haven't, there is a link on the right side of our blog. Eric's ALS is progressing and they are facing some tough decisions. Their faith continues to grow through all this which can only be by the grace of God.

There is also a link to my brother and sister-in-law's blog on the right side of our blog (Kevin & Stephanie). They are adopting an adorable little girl from Columbia and hope to be able to go get her by the end of January. They are having a fund raiser next week Saturday at the Urban Mill Cafe in Grand Rapids to help with all the adoption fees. They will have autographed children's books and posters from many authors to auction off. You can get some Christmas shopping done and help support their family at the same time :) There is more information about the fundraiser on their blog - just scroll down to the 11/5 & 11/13 post.

Please say an extra prayer for Brian. He is extremely tired again. He had recovered from his flu bug and seemed to be doing pretty good but today he was hit with a headache and major fatigue. He sleeps a lot and still doesn't feel rested. It is so frustrating for him.

Life is hard, in fact some days it is harder than I ever imagined it could ever be, but God is good.

Monday, November 16, 2009: My Weakness, His Strength

Last week after hearing that my number had gone up I read a devotional that made me want to scream "noooooooooooo". I showed it to Brian and told him that I didn't want this. Here is how the devotional began . . .

"Why won't God heal me?" Doesn't he love me?" Perhaps you've asked similar questions. Maybe you've been frustrated because God didn't answer a prayer the way you had hoped. Could it be that he is using those very difficulties to keep you dependent on him? Like placing sparkling diamonds on black velvet, our human weakness provides a contrasting backdrop against which God's power can be displayed.

When I was first diagnosed I was excited. I wasn't excited about having cancer but I was excited about the things God was going to do through me. I didn't know what was going to happen but I did know that He was going to use me to show His power.

Last week before I had the results for my new CA125 I heard God telling me "it's time to shine again". I pretended not to hear it. The thought wouldn't go away so I started to process it. Time to shine again? No, I'm done - it's someone else's turn. I don't want to shine, can't I be dark for a while? It's almost been three years - can't I just be done already?

The more I whined the worse I felt. I started thinking back about my willingness years ago to be used by Him and what a privilege it was that He would use me to show His power. Where did that passion go? It has been a long bumpy road but God has always provided for our needs.

The devotional went on to talk about Paul and the thorn in his flesh. Paul asked three times for God to remove his thorn and three times God said no. It wasn't because God didn't love him. He wanted Paul to be dependent on His strength.

Our "thorns" can make us feel weak and useless. They can cause us to become focused on ourselves and wallow in self pity(I've had more pity parties than I can count!). The devotional suggested another way to look our struggles. We can allow it to keep us on our knees - praying for strength. We can learn from our struggles and then use that knowledge to help others. We can let His strength shine through our weakness.

If God wants me to shine then I will but I'm going to fight and kick cancer's butt while I'm shining. My doctors office is finishing up the paperwork and will be scheduling my PET scan soon. I will have my CA125 checked again in three weeks and will meet with them after we have some test results. Who knows, my number could even go down next time. You just never know.

Thursday, November 12, 2009: The Joy is in the Waiting?

Today I have been waiting. Waiting for that phone call. I've had a couple calls today but not "the" phone call. I've had a call that was a prerecorded voice from a solicitor. How do they get our unlisted number??? I've also had a call from my mom. She was at the hospital with my grandparents. They just found out that my grandpa has colon cancer.

So now we wait for yet another phone call. The call with his surgery date. Then will be the next call . . . the call with the results. Wait, wait, wait. I was having a chat with God while I was in the shower this morning. Why? Why, why, why?! I could hear "be still and know that I am God". Yes, I'm being still and I know that you are God. I heard it again "be still and know that I am God". Yes God, I hear you, I know you are God and I am being still. I just kept hearing it over and over. Then it hit me. My mind wasn't being still. It was racing everywhere. It was thinking of my grandparents, thinking of my sister and brother-in-law, thinking about the phone call I am waiting for.

I turned on the radio shortly after that. The song "My Last Amen" was playing. I love that song - I love the rhythm, the singing and the piano. Today I heard the words. Near the end of the song are the words . . . .

And while the thrills are fading
The joy is in the waiting
Somewhere in the grand design
It's good to be unsatisfied
It keeps the faith and hope
a little more alive.

The joy is in the waiting? Say what? I don't think I've ever thought of being joyful during the waiting. It does make sense though. By waiting and not knowing, we are forced to rely on our faith. To rely on something other than ourselves. It does keep our faith and hope a little more alive.

That is what I am trying to focus on now while I wait. And I am trying to be still - physically and mentally. Not an easy task.

I wrote this post early this afternoon and planned on posting it after I got the call from my doctor. The call just came . . . I'm not surprised, just disappointed. My number went up to 76. Now what? Well, tomorrow I will call and schedule an appointment to meet with Dr. Downey. We will talk about where to go from here and also pursue the PET scan. Ready or not, here we go . . . . again.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". Jeremiah 29:11

Wednesday, November 11, 2009: Tick Tock

With all the waiting we have done over the past couple years you think we would get used to it. I think I've gotten a little better at it but that doesn't mean I like it. I went in this morning to have my CA125 tested. I can't believe it has been a month already!

I have been doing a pretty good job at not thinking about the results. So much can change with one little phone call. One little number. Or at least I hope it's little :)

The odds are stacked against it going down or at least staying where it is. In fact it is highly unlikely that it will be the same or lower. Over the years I have learned to be "optimistically realistic". I know God can do anything, however, I don't know what His plan is for me. I usually plan on the number going up because then if it goes down it will be a major bonus. If the number goes up I have already mentally prepared for it.

My thoughts have wandered to the possibilities . . . what if it jumps big time - do I need chemo again? or pursue the pet scan? Or maybe it just jumps a little . . . we wait a few more weeks and check again. I haven't let myself even consider it going down. Should it go down though . . . dare I say to a single digit . . . my screaming will be heard cities away :)

So now we wait. And pray. Lots of praying. Lots of redirecting of my thoughts.

On a positive note - Brian is finally getting better!!! Yea! It has been a very long week for him. He was knocked down hard, absolutely miserable and exhausted. Yesterday he finally started to look somewhat better. Today he was able to work for about 1/2 day. His boss put yellow "caution" tape across his office - I thought that was very funny - and a good idea. He kept to himself mostly and did his conversations by phone. He looks much better tonight. It was a rough week but we're very thankful that no one else caught it.

I will update tomorrow when I hear from my nurse with the new number.

Friday, November 6, 2009: We've Been Hit

The flu bug got Brian,
It caught him off guard.
It hit him fast
And it hit him hard.
He has aches and pains
From his head to his toe.
They don’t get better
but continue to grow.
He’s confined to his room,
Keep those germs away!
I’m doing my best
To keep it at bay.
Please pray that it leaves
As fast as it came.
This bug needs to go –
I’m not playing his game!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009: Can You Hear Me?

God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few. Ecclesiastes 5:2

Eight days ago I started to lose my voice. I can still remember joking with my friend saying “I think God is trying to tell me that I need to listen more”. At that point I had no idea how true those words were.

A couple of days later my van started having issues and by Friday it was in the shop. No voice and no transportation. Talk about feeling isolated!

I have heard God prompting me to slow down and focus on listening for Him for quite a while now. Sadly enough it took losing my voice and my van to make me stop and listen. I spent all of Friday working on things around the house while having a conversation in my head with God. Instead of telling Him everything I thought He needed to be aware of (like there is anything I could tell Him that He didn’t already know!) I began listening. I heard a lot that day.

By that night I felt so focused and in tune with God. My goal is to be aware of His presence 24/7. I know this isn’t an attainable goal but it is definitely something worth aiming for. When I’m in tune with Him my hard times aren’t as near as hard and my good times are multiplied. I am much more at peace.

I feel like I have been just going through the motions for quite a while now. About 2 weeks ago I started a new medication for depression and I have felt the fog lifting. I feel a renewed passion to share my story again. I didn’t battle cancer just to sweep it under the rug and go back to “normal life”. I don’t know if I’m supposed to speak or write or what but I need to share my story. God is making that clear to me.

There is a time for everything . . . a time to be silent and a time to speak. Ecclesiastes 3:1; 7

I received a letter yesterday from our insurance saying that they have approved my PET scan! I had honestly forgotten about that. I had talked to Brian a while back and said that if coverage was denied that would just be a sign to me that the door had been closed. I wasn’t planning on an open door here! I go in next week Wednesday to have my CA125 checked again. It will already have been a month then! This time has flown by. Depending on what that number is I may or may not pursue the PET scan. I know God will lead us to the right decision at the right time.

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Isaiah 30:21

The support that everyone continues to show us never ceases to amaze me. We are about to reach 160,000 hits on the blog and this is the 500th post.. Wow. What a long journey this has been. And yet this journey is not over . . . in some ways it has just begun.

Thursday, October 29, 2009: A Couple Things

We like to share the love and the germs in this family. For the past couple weeks we have all took a turn getting sick - mostly with stuffy nose, coughing, headaches, just general yuck. Now that I've taken care of everyone else it's my turn to get sick. I'm feeling okay today but I have lost my voice. I don't think I've ever had this before. Very strange. With all the yuck that is out there right now I am thankful that we just seem to have a minor bug.


We are still enjoying the fact that I'm no longer on chemo and that my number is so low. I do think about the "what if's" once in a while. I've been on top of the world, feeling completely healed one minute and the next I'm thinking about all the different cancers I am now higher risk for. I have been able to stop that stinkin' thinkin' though. No point in dwelling on the unknown - doesn't do me any good.


I'm sure you've noticed the Godscapes on the right hand of the blog. We weren't really going to advertise it here in writing, however, my van decided tonight was a good time to die. Brian is taking it in tomorrow and is pretty sure it's the transmission. Since this will probably cost us a pretty penny I thought it wouldn't hurt to promote the store on here to earn some extra income :)


Financial issues aside though, Brian has done an amazing job with this. We've missed him the past few weeks because he has been working on this Godscapes calendar. All that time he invested was worth it when I saw the calendar. It is so beautiful! He has taken some of his favorite pictures he has taken over the years (Colorado, Pictured Rocks, etc.), added bible verses to them and made this beautiful calendar. He has also put together some Shine Gear. He took the logo from our orange shine shirts and it is on almost anything you can imagine. Shirts, hats, coffee cups, greeting cards, and bags. I ordered the water bottle and I love it.


There are some great Christmas gift ideas. Not only can you get a very cool gift, you are also helping support our family. Okay, now I'm starting to sound a bit like an infomercial.


Thank you for all your support. We had 40 comments on the post about my CA125 number. That is so cool. I kept checking the blog every so often that day and just watched the number go up and up. There are so many of you out there and you've stuck with us through some major ups and downs. I can't tell you how much we appreciate your prayers, emails, comments and support.

Click on the calendar to check it out...

Sunday, October 25, 2009: I Miss You

When our oldest daughter was born I spent every waking moment with her. When she was young she was very shy and would prefer to hang out with me rather than be with little kids. That was fine with me - we were best friends.

As she got older she gradually came out of her shell. She began making friends and wanted to play with them. It was hard at first letting her go places without me but when I would hear about how much fun she had it made the transition a little bit easier.

Now that she is 12 she is this social butterfly. She loves hanging out with friends, going to church activities, pretty much anything that involves being away from home. I am having a really hard time accepting this. Where did my shy little girl go? The one who wanted to be with me? Be my best friend?

It's not that she hates being home or spending time with us, it's just more fun for her to be with her friends. I don't understand this, okay, I understand it but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I miss my little girl.

This morning I was thinking about her. About what a social, loving, responsible young lady she has become. I'm not sure when it happened - I've been here all along yet somehow she changed right before my eyes. I was thinking about how much I miss her when I heard a voice inside my head saying "I miss you too".

When I was sick there wasn't much I could do but I always could pray. I became very close to God during that time. Now that I'm "normal" again I am busy with life. Busy being a taxi cab driver, cleaning lady, referee, nurse, psychologist and social activities director. They are all necessary things but they shouldn't be my priority.

I am sad that I have pulled away from God but am happy that He is still there waiting for me to come back. When I think of how much I miss my daughter and love her I become overwhelmed with the thought that God loves me even more. He is the creator of the universe and yet He misses me. Wow. I’ll end with a verse of a song that is running through my head right now.

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Friday, October 23, 2009: Letting Go

We have a cold making its way through our house this week. I came down with a headache and sore throat yesterday and had a few swollen glands in my neck. I also have what feels like a pulled muscle that goes from my ear down to my shoulder. It is also near where my chest port is.

I called my nurse and she said to take motrin and if it doesn't go away in a week to give them a call. I decided to do a little research on my own through google. Yes, I know, bad idea. My mind had convinced me that I had lymphoma. I freaked out. Many different scenario's went through my head and none of them were good.

When I went to bed that night I grabbed my daily devotional book. All the devotions are dated and I typically read the one for the day. That night the book flipped open to September 22 and the devotional brought me peace . . . .

Trust me and refuse to worry, for I am your Strength and Song. You are feeling wobbly this morning, looking at difficult times looming ahead, measuring them against your own strength. However, they are not today's tasks - or even tomorrow's. So leave them in the future and come home to the present, where you will find Me waiting for you. Since I am your Strength, I can empower you to handle each task as it comes.

I am trying so hard to leave tomorrow's problems in the future but it is so difficult. I have to make myself "let go" of my problems on a daily basis - multiple times during the day. I let go of my worries and ask God to take them from me but five minutes later I've taken it back and am trying to battle it on my own. I spend time researching symptoms when I should be reading the bible for answers.

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. Matthew 6:34 The Message

I've been praying and praying one of my favorite phrases "let go and let God". I figured it wouldn't hurt to call in for reinforcements. Prayer warriors - start your engines :)

Sunday, October 18, 2009: Courage to Shine Gear

I've been having some fun making Kristi's Courage to Shine shirt into some other stuff. I added some products to our on line store...check it out by clicking on the shirt:

Thursday, October 15, 2009: Floating On A Cloud

I feel like I am floating around. I am speechless and in awe. I have tears streaming down my face. Finally though, I am crying tears of joy.

I went in yesterday to have my CA125 checked. My nurse just called me with the results. Are you sitting? You may want to because your feet will feel like they have left the ground. My new number is 25. In the words of my nurse "yup, you heard me - 25".

This morning after the kids had been picked up for school and Emily was still sleeping I had some quiet time to myself. During that time I gave cancer to God. I told Him I was tired of trying to plan my life around it, tired of the anxiety that came with it, just plain tired. I have been focusing so much on my cancer that I haven't been nearly enough focused on my family and my God. I truly did let it go this morning. I honestly wasn't sure what my new results would be but I trusted that God had it under control and would give me what I needed to continue on this journey.

This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14

Wooooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, October 11, 2009: State of Denial

Usually when I am asked what state I live in I say Michigan. The past few weeks, however, I have been living in the state of denial. I like this state - it's very peaceful. It has been two and a half weeks since our last appointment with my doctor. At this appointment we asked about having a PET scan and they were going to try to get my insurance to approve it. I figured we would have an answer by now but I found out at the end of last week that they had just mailed the "letter of medical necessity" to the insurance company. I was initially bummed. All this time waiting and we are just getting over the first hurdle? I emailed Brian and his reply was "yeah! . . . . right?" He was right. This means we have at least another week or two to enjoy our visit in "denial". We're not really denying that cancer exists - we just know that everything is out of our hands right now and all we can do is wait. Now if we were waiting for the results of a PET scan that would be a different story. But, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

So for now I am enjoying this reprieve from "it". I love not having to schedule my life around the chemo treatments. I am really enjoying feeling healthy again and not being miserable from the side effects of chemo. I am also very peaceful with our decision to put chemo on hold and take a step back. A very wise friend of mine often says "I don't know what my future holds but I know Who holds my future".

Brian took advantage of the little bit of sunshine that we had today and took the kids pictures . . .

Ashley - 6th grade - 12 years old

Nathan - 3rd grade - 9 years old

Emily - kindergarten - 5 years old

I know I'm biased but aren't they just the cutest kids ever?? :)

Sunday, October 4, 2009: Relaxed

Kristi and I went on our annual camping trip with just the two of us. We went to Fort Custer State Park and had a very relaxing time. Kristi finds a home for the kids and we do this every October with just the two of us (well, and the dogs). No phones, no reservations, no internet, no kids and NO STRESS!!! Even if it rains all weekend (like it did) - WE DON'T CARE!! It is always the best weekend of the year. We simply bring books, magazines, movies, the dogs, and lots and lots of junk food. All we do all weekend is hang out in the camper. It is soooooo relaxing. Here are a couple pictures from this weekend:

It was such a great time. Can't wait til next year!

Unfortunately, now we have to return to reality. Tomorrow Kristi will start following up to find out when her PET scan will be. When she gets her PET scan done she will also get her CA125 level checked. Ahh, the weekend was so nice not having to worry about all those details. Well, until next time - have a great week!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009: Developing Hinds' Feet

Brian and I met with our oncologist this morning and he agreed with our decision to put chemo on hold. I am waiting to hear from the insurance company if a PET scan would be covered and if it is, that will be our next step.

Dr. Downey shared the results of a recent clinical study with us this morning. This study followed 500 women who were in remission from ovarian cancer. Their CA125 results were monitored and when their "normal" had doubled (75), only half of the women and their doctors were told. Of the half that were told, most of them started back on treatment; the half that wasn't told the results of their CA125 did nothing. The end result showed that it didn't really seem to make a difference in the outcome whether they did the chemo or not. Basically the women who did the chemo had to deal with all the yuck that comes with it.

What they took from this study was that if there isn't any evidence of cancer (other than a rising CA125) quality of life is much better without the chemo. If other evidence is found (such as tumors) then it is another story. Right now I have no other evidence other than my CA125.

Dr. Downey also told us that he doesn't believe that I will ever be cured of my cancer - it will never go away. In fact his words were "I think you know by now that your cancer will never go away". At least those are the words I remember. Sadly enough those words didn't surprise me. Even though he doesn't think that this cancer is curable, he does think it is treatable. The question is what is the treatment going to be? And when do we start it?

I am reading the book Hinds Feet on High Places (for the 2nd or 3rd time) now and it is almost like I am reading about my life. The main character's name is Much-Afraid and the book is about her journey away from The Valley of Humiliation which is filled with her Family of Fearings - Craven Fear, Gloomy, Spiteful, Coward, Pride and Bitterness . . . just to name a few). On her way to the High Places she learns how to develop Hinds Feet so she can go to the High Places.

Right now in the book Much-Afraid has just come to a mountain. It is so steep and dangerous that she can't imagine climbing it. Her guides (Sorrow and Suffering) urge her to call to the Chief Shepherd and she is afraid to because she knows that he will tell her that this is the path she must take. She does call out to him and this is what I read this morning . . . .

"Much-Afraid," said the Shepherd again, "tell Me, what is the matter. Why were you so fearful?"

"It is the way You have chosen for me to go," she whispered. It looks so dreadful, Shepherd, so impossible. I turn giddy and faint whenever I look at it. The roes and hinds can go there, but they are not limping, crippled, or cowardly like me."

"But, Much-Afraid, what did I promise you int he Valley of Humiliation" asked the Shepherd with a smile.

"Oh, Shepherd, You said You would make my feet like hinds' feet and set me upon mine High Places."

"Well," he answered cheerily, "the only way to develop hinds' feet is to go by the paths which the hinds use - like this one."

Much-Afraid trembled and looked at Him shamefacedly. "I don't think - I want - hinds' feet, if it means I have to go on a path like that," she said slowly and painfully.

The Shepherd was a very surprising person. Instead of looking either disappointed or disapproving, He actually laughed again. "Oh, yes you do," He said cheerfully. "I know you better than you know yourself, Much-Afraid. You want it very much indeed, and I promised you these hinds' feet. Indeed, I have brought you on purpose to this back side of the desert, where the mountains are particularly steep and where there are no paths but the tracks of the deer and of the mountain goats for you to follow, that the promise may be fulfilled. What did I say to you the last time that we met?"

"You said, 'Now shalt thou see what I will do'," she answered, and then, looking at Him reproachfully, added, "But I never dreamed You would do anything like this! Lead me to an impassable precipice up which nothing can go but deer and goats, when I'm no more like a deer or goat than is a jellyfish. It's too - it's too -" she fumbled for words, and then burst out laughing. "Why, it's preposterously absurd! It's crazy! Whatever will You do next?"

The Shepherd laughed too. "I love doing preposterous things," He replied. "Why, I don't know anything more exhilarating and delightful than turning weakness into strength, and fear into faith, and that which has been marred into perfection. If there is one more than another which I should enjoy doing at this moment it is turning a jellyfish into a mountain goat. That is My special work".

I could type on and on because I love this book. As you can see, the style of writing is a bit unique and I'm sure it isn't for everyone. The first time I read it I was struggling with depression and it helped me so much. Right now I am struggling with cancer and the whys that come along with it.

A sentence from the book I read a couple days ago was this "This further delay is not unto death, but for the glory of God; that the Son of God may be glorified." One of my biggest struggles with cancer is the why? What purpose can this possibly serve? This sentence helps me understand. It's for God's glory - everything we do is for His glory.

On the blog I am very open and honest. In person though I tend to be quite guarded. I was planning on attending a bible study this year and last night I chickened out. I was going to meet the ladies in this group and just couldn't do it. I had been looking forward to it for weeks and then yesterday afternoon reality set in. I was going to let these women into my life, my mind and my heart. My walls went up and I went down into the pit. I just wanted to be home and left alone. A great friend of mine is in this group and she reached her hand down into the pit where I was. She gently told me that Satan doesn't want me in this bible study. She didn't try to grab me by the arm and pull me from that pit but said she was going to pray for me and left her hand quietly extended there for me when I am ready to take it.

I know God wants me in this bible study and Satan doesn't. I hate how easily I let those negative thoughts or stinkin' thinkin' take over my mind. Please pray that I would be willing to let my guard down and my heart to be reached and that I would recognize the negative thoughts for what they are - useless.

Brian and I are going on our annual fall camping weekend soon - just the two of us! Oh wait, just the two of us plus two dogs :) This is our favorite weekend of the year. It's not that we don't love our children but it is just so wonderful to get away from the world, away from reality and just be together. We watch movies, read books, eat and sleep. And this year we will also get many slobbery kisses from our four legged children. There is nothing like a pet for unconditional love!

We are not going to check my CA125 or have any scans done until after this weekend. I don't want anything going through my mind when we get away. Early in October I will begin having the tests done and then we will meet with my doctor again in November and go from there.

God put it on my heart to take a break from chemo and seek Him. I've taken a break from chemo but I'll be honest - I haven't sought Him. I've kept myself busy with cleaning and running kids here and there, a couple pity parties and anything else that would prevent me from spending that quiet time with Him. Honestly, I think I am afraid just like the character in the book. I'm afraid of what His plans for me are and what He believes I am capable of.

I do believe I have just typed our longest update ever! It feels so good knowing that I am able to share my true feelings - not so much in person but at least through our blog. Some day I will be as open in person as well and let my guard down. I wrote a poem a few years ago about this -

The walls I’ve built around me are up so very high.
I try to hide behind them so no one sees me cry.
Before the tears are on my cheeks they’re way down in my heart.
The loneliness is overwhelming and it’s tearing me apart.
I want to let my family in but it’s difficult to do.
How to go about it I just don’t have a clue.
I know I’m not alone or the first to feel this way.
Some day I’ll climb that wall -it just won’t be today.

As we take a break from treatment please pray that we will look to God every single day and grow in that relationship. That we will grow closer to eachother and be confident with the decisions that need to be made.

I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13