Tuesday, September 11, 2012

The End

After over 5 years of journaling, I've decided to call it quits on the blog. Our blog has been a tremendous resource for so many people over the years that I don't want to diminish its value with my trivial updates. For updates on how our family is coping without Kristi, you can visit Ashley's blog (link is on the right) or check out our Facebook pages.

Although life really, really, really, really sucks without Kristi, we are settling into a new "normal". But, there's not a day that passes that we don't mourn her loss. I still struggle a great deal with her loss and I'm still very angry at God, but I learn to cope...it's not easy, but I cope. 

If you've just stumbled upon this blog and are in search of how a family deals with "living with cancer", start from the beginning and read through it.  Hopefully our entries will act as some sort of therapy, inspiration, or at least some encouragement for you.

I've changed the name back to "Kristi & Brian: Living! with cancer" to restore the original intent of the blog.

Here are some statistics from Google Analytics regarding our blog as of today:

Number of blog entries: 737
First entry: May 20, 2007 (I added the dates prior to May 20 from a collection of e-mails)
Last entry: September 11, 2012

Total number of hits: 561,264
Total number of unique visitors: 69,913
Percent of returning visitors: 85.5%
Percent of new visitors: 14.5%
Continents represented: 6
Countries represented: 108
States represented: all 50
Canadian provinces represented: all 10
Number of worldwide cities represented: 3,786
Number of US cities represented: 3,038

That's a whole lot of people from a whole lot of places. Praise God for using our blog to encourage and inspire so many people!

Thank you from the sincerest part of my heart for supporting our family over the years. I can say, without exaggeration, that we had support from around the world! It is/was so amazing how everyone rallied around Kristi, myself and the kids over the years...and still do! It seems somewhat sad to end the blog, but all stories need a happy ending - and with Kristi with Jesus and cancer free, this story also has a happy ending.

God bless you and thank you so much for all the love and prayers over the years!!

The end.




Sunday, June 10, 2012

Sunday, June 10, 2012: One Year

One year tonight.  Right about now, actually.  Still remembering her, still missing her.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Friday, June1, 2012: Ashley sings to her mom

that's my girl!  she got a standing O!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother's Day 2012

Today was another "first" we can cross off the list...our first Mother's Day without mom.  Not too many more "firsts" left before the one year mark.  It's hard to believe it's almost been a year already.  Before you know it, summer will be here and we'll be beyond all of the "firsts" and the holidays without mom will be more routine, if there ever can be routine.  Life is anything but routine without mom.  Moms are the glue to any family.  I'm so thankful for my mom and all of the sacrificing she did to raise me.  Being a single parent now I can certainly understand to some extent what it was like for my mom...except I have 3 older brothers, so my mom raised 4 boys.  Not quite sure how my mom and dad raised 4 boys and we all turned out fairly normal.  :)  Anyway, moms are very special, and I'm very grateful for mine, just as I know my kids are for their mom.  We went out to visit with her today at the cemetery...


The kids and I sat by her grave for about a half hour this afternoon.  We didn't say much; mostly just listened to the breeze and the birds.  We shed some quiet tears privately...no sobbing, just some quiet tears.

We love you and miss you mom!



Sunday, May 6, 2012

May 6, 2012: My Birthday

Today, I turned 39.  Again.

Yesterday some great friends had a little birthday party for me at their house. That was very cool.  The kids remembered it was my birthday today too!  Starting with breakfast in my bedroom.  I ruined the "breakfast in bed" when I hopped in the shower as Ashley was bringing it up.  But I came out and there was some delicious toast and orange juice!  Tonight, my side of the family came over and we had dinner and a nice little celebration.  So all that and about 100 "happy birthdays" on Facebook made for a good day!  As much as today hurts, it has been made easier by such great friends and family.  I am very humbled and feel very blessed to be a part of this family and community.

Taking things one anniversary at a time...

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Tuesday, April 17, 2012: Our 19th Anniversary

Over the past few weeks the kids and I have made it through spring break, Easter, Easter parties, and Emily's birthday without Kristi.  Today is the toughest, though.  Today is our first anniversary apart; this would have been our 19th wedding anniversary.  I stayed home from work today just to be by myself.  This morning I went out to visit her grave sight with a friend, who happens to be my pastor as well.  We sat on the wet grass and talked for about an hour.  It was good.  I still broke down of course, but I did better than I thought.  I can still see and feel her presence in everything I do.  What I miss the most is just her presence.  I could always depend on her to be here everyday for me, waiting for me to come home from work.  Every single day the first thing we would do is hug...we'd give each other a great big hug.  If the kids were in the room we'd even kiss just to gross them out.  I miss that.  I miss the daily conversations, the "how was your day, honey" conversations.  The absence of any adult conversation (at home) every day, night and weekend is very lonely.  Very isolating.

Looking forward, my birthday is in 2 weeks, Mother's Day is in 3 weeks, then the 1 year anniversary of her passing a month after that, then Father's Day one week after that.  I miss her bad.  It still hurts every day, especially today.  I would say I'm better than I was 6 months ago, but the pain on a scale of 1 to 10 is still an 8.  We heard that expression used a lot during Kristi's different hospital stays..."describe your pain on a scale of 1 to 10".

Anyway, please continue to keep us in your prayers - the next few weeks will be especially difficult for us.  Thank you.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Sunday, March 11, 2012: Insight from a 14 year old

Just a quick note to let you know we're still alive!  Life remains to be very busy so updating the blog frequently is difficult to do.  But, we're all healthy and still kickin'! (as my grandma used to always say).

The kids are all doing well in school and staying very busy.  I'm doing much better emotionally these days.  The nice spring-like weather sure is nice!  Compared to the weather we've had this year, it's hard to believe I took these pictures in March of last year...

God’s Opportunities
We all have many different opportunities. Every ones opportunity is different. However, we do not all notice that all those opportunities come through God. God is the key to opportunity. God gave Daniel an opportunity when he was stuck in a Lion’s den with Lions. Daniel could have chose to panic, and yell at God. However, he didn’t do that, he tamed the lions, and made the lions obey him. (I give credit to my devotions for that example). Anyway, this cancer could have been an opportunity for us. 
That horrible, miserable, unreasonable cancer that got inside my mom was a huge opportunity for me to get closer to God. I am a new person now because of that. Some days I wonder where I would be if my mom wouldn’t have been taken by cancer. I definitely wish that my mom was still here, and that cancer wouldn’t have ever existed in our family. However this cancer was a HUGE opportunity for my faith walk with the Lord to become stronger. I can’t even put in words how much having my mom be gone tears me apart. But this could be an opportunity. An opportunity that could change the rest of our lives. All we have to do is accept it, and accepting this big of an opportunity without a mom to be here is about the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
                   - by Ashley Rogalske

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Wednesday, February 15, 2012: Aching Hearts

We all still miss her so much.  Ashley wrote this poem to her on Valentine's Day...



February 14

I loved you because you loved me
now I'm left alone
the cancer had to take you
leaving us to weep and moan
Every night, you told me that you loved me
why can't I hear that just one more time?
I miss you more than anyone will know
I miss your courage to shine.
Why can't I hear you anymore?
Just one last I love you, is all I'm asking for.
The last words you said to me
will always be in my heart
you simply said "I love you"
those words, broke me apart.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Sunday, January 22, 2012: Another Anniversary

January 23, 2012.  Just another day for most people.  January 23 will be Monday, the start of a new work week for the adults and a start of a new school week for the students.  January 23 was also the start of something new for this family as well.

January 23, 2007 was the day Kristi was diagnosed with ovarian cancer; it was the beginning of what would become our 4 and a half journey with many of you.  So tomorrow will be the 5 year anniversary of when this all started.

January 23 is the second worst day of the year for me, second only to June 10, the day she died.

There are times when I think that I'm finally turning the corner.  In fact, I recently told a friend that I thought I had turned the corner.  The problem is, when I see what's around the corner I don't like what I see...so I duck back. But, every day is a new day - and for now I'm just living day for day.

Here's what I posted for January 23, 2007.  My memory of that day has faded a bit, but the pain is still as strong as ever.
                              Tuesday January 23, 2007: Exploratory surgery day

My parents showed up about 10:45AM to watch the kids. We told them “we’ll be home about 5 or 6”. Ha! I remember joking on the way to the hospital 'our lives could be changed forever in a couple hours'!! Wow. We checked into Holland Hospital about 11:30 AM for the 1:30 PM surgery. We hung around for a couple hours just hanging out in the “holding area”. Well, 1:30 rolled around and we were informed that Dr. Fletter was running behind, about 2 hours behind! Kristi still hadn’t eaten since Monday night. She was getting tired and frustrated. We were still not thinking of anything other than “inflamed muscle tissue” or I was even thinking they would come back and say “everything looks normal”. Other than being tired and hungry and wanting to go home (sick of waiting around), we were still pretty “loose” and not thinking anything was “wrong”. About 3:30 I called both sets of parents just to let them know we were running behind. Denny also texted asking what was going on. "Still waiting" I replied. Kristi was finally wheeled back around 3:45PM...final kisses and “good bye”. The nurse told me that when Kristi comes out of surgery, someone will come get me and bring me back to her in the recovery area. Well, about 4:30 the receptionist brought me back, but rather than going through the double doors to go back to the recovery area, she brought me to a consultation room. This was the first time I suspected something might be wrong. “Why am I here?! This isn’t where they said they were going to bring me”. I sat in there for about 5 minutes before Dr. Fletter and Dr. Taylor came in. They both looked very serious. Gulp.

Dr. Fletter started by saying the procedure itself went good…however, “we didn’t like what we saw”. So, when he started out saying the procedure went good, there was a brief moment of relief. But that was quickly replaced with confusion when he said “we didn’t like what we saw”. I was still a little confused at that point, not sure where he was going. He was talking about “spots all over”. That’s when Dr. Taylor chimed in and said “it looks like ovarian cancer”. I think I went into shock. I remember being warm all over and everything seemed in slow motion. It was a weird feeling. The two doctors were talking but I can’t remember what they were saying. I can’t explain it. Then it hit me…Kristi has cancer. I remember just falling apart after a few minutes. Both doctors stopped talking at that point and let me unload for a minute. They just let me cry for a while. When I got my bearings back, they continued to explain what they saw. She had spots on her intestines, ovaries, maybe on her colon, appendix, and all over the abdominal area. He indicated stage 3 or 4 ovarian cancer. I remember asking “what are 'spots'?” Tumors. I asked all the obvious questions…how? why? I was thinking, but afraid to ask…”what is the prognosis?” But I asked. Dr. Taylor went briefly into the statistics…average 30% survival rate past 5 years. This means she has a 30% chance of living longer than 5 years. Ouch. I cried some more. He also went briefly into the typical treatment plan. He talked about the IV port and the IP port (intra-peritoneal). Both doctors had to leave and left me in the room to “freshen up”. They said I could go back whenever I was ready. I sat there in shock for a long time. Dr. Taylor came back after about 15 minutes because he felt bad for leaving me like that. He was changed into jeans, a sweatshirt, and baseball cap. Then we just chatted some more about ovarian cancer. He reassured me that his success rate is closer to 50%.

Before going back, I called Kristi’s parents. Her Dad answered. I was a wreck. I couldn’t talk. I just remember saying “you need to get to the hospital”. I can’t remember much of anything I said. I waited for them to get to the hospital…only about 15 minutes but it seemed like forever. When her parents got there her Mom was already crying so we all hugged and cried some more in the room. Then her Mom tried to pray but we were all too upset. I told her Mom (for some reason) about the “30% cure rate”. Why did I do that?! I think I was still in shock and processing everything. So we all cried some more. Ahhhh. 


Unfortunately, because both doctors had to leave right after surgery, no one told Kristi the news...so she was still unaware. I remember telling her parents “I have to go tell your daughter she has cancer now”. Then more tears, then we left for the recovery room.

So we walked into the recovery room just as she was waking up. She was really drowsy. She looked at me, looked at her Mom, looked back at me, then asked “what’s wrong? Am I OK?” I guess we looked kind of bad – Kristi could tell we were upset. I told her she had cancer and as her eyes welled up we hugged and cried. She quickly recovered and started asking questions. She was very positive from the first seconds. One of her first thoughts was “we need to get an e-mail to Norma” (the church e-mail prayer coordinator). Right from the onset, she thought of prayer. I have to admit, I didn’t. I was in shock. I didn’t bother telling her about the cure rate at this point. We just hung out for a while with her parents processing the information…and answering Kristi’s questions…3,4, and 5 times! She has a slow time coming out of the anesthesia drugs!! I stepped out and called Denny, Janna, Sheryl Boes, and Heidi. I was a wreck for all of them. I started with Denny, balling and sobbing. Then I called Janna; I was a little better for Janna, then Sheryl, and lastly I called Heidi. [I remember Brian telling me later that after I called them that he was too upset to eat his dinner. Sorry Brian. But it’s good to know that we have people that love us that much. We love them too.]

After I called our close friends, I called my Mom (who was at our house watching our kids). I did not tell her any news…I didn’t want her to get upset in front of the kids. It was about 5:45PM at this point. My Mom was asking “well, aren’t they telling you anything?!” I was trying my best not to get mad. I just told her that the surgery was done and that we were running behind. But my Mom was persistent…”well, aren’t they telling you anything?!” Then I think she got the hint because I think she knew I was getting upset and she just said “oh, OK”. We hung up…whew. So I went back to the room. Dr. Taylor came back about 6:30 to talk to us some more. He stayed around for about a half hour and answered our questions. We checked out about 7:30PM. I called home and asked my Mom to make sure the kids were in bed. I think she now realized something was wrong because she didn’t ask any questions and just said “OK”.

Kristi’s parents went home and I believe Kristi’s mom contacted church. I believe Norma sent out an e-mail already Tuesday evening.

When we got home Kristi went right to bed. I went back down to talk to my parents. Of course they were upset by the news, but overall they took it as well as could be expected. I was surprised I didn’t cry. I was just in shock I think. After they left, I called Dave Ozios who called while I was putting Kristi to bed. Of course he was also shocked. He prayed for us on the phone. That was awesome! Denny came over about 10:00 PM and spent some time with me. Of course I cried all over his shoulder. Then cried some more. Then some more. I needed that. We talked for a long time and then he prayed for us. Wow, what a friend! He left about midnight...sorry Denny! I went to bed shortly after midnight and surprisingly I slept.





Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Wednesday, January 11, 2012: Happy New Year!

Just a quick note to let everyone know we made it through the holidays.  At times it was very difficult, but overall the business of the holidays kept us focused on family and friends.  I can say I'm glad to see 2011 go.  Good riddance 2011!!

I'm anxious and excited to see what 2012 brings us.  I'm hopeful it will be a better year...so far so good anyway!

Thanks for praying for us through the holidays...it helped!

Friday, December 16, 2011

Happy Birthday Kristi

Tomorrow would have been Kristi's 42nd birthday; one week after the 6 month anniversary of her passing, and one week before Christmas...so if I don't seem like I'm in a very festive mood you now know why.  Tomorrow night we're going out to dinner to honor her birthday.

I can't type anymore.  Pray that we can make it through this holiday season and still find some joy.

I love this picture of us.  We were so happy together.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

December 10, 2011: 6 Months

I'm wearing my Courage To Shine shirt today in honor of Kristi. It's been 6 months today. In some ways it seems like it's been 10 years but in other ways it seems like yesterday.  I can't believe she's been gone 6 months.

Right now, I'm sitting in a very hot and humid pool auditorium at Grandville High School with what seems/sounds like about 10,000 screaming girls. I can't help but think about Kristi as I sit here...she would be the one normally attending this. She used to always come home with these pounding headaches from these meets. I never understood why. I do now. My head. It hurts.  There is a very loud and obnoxious mom behind me clapping and screaming to cheer her daughter on. While it warms my heart to hear a mother supporting her daughter like that, I really wanted to turn around a say "look lady, your daughter's in 6th place, settle down already!". But I didn't. :) Oh my head hurts real bad. She won't shut up. Talk talk talk talk. Really lady?! 

Anyway, life goes on. The kids haven't mentioned anything yet about it being 6 months. I don't think I'll bring it up. If they mention it we'll talk about it, but no reason to remind them. They seem to be doing really well in their adjustment. Sometimes I think too well. "They" always say kids are resilient; I'd have to agree. I don't think I've ever shared this picture, but for those that haven't seen this, here is our headstone. Seems weird seeing your name on a headstone. I find it somewhat comforting just to go out and sit by her.  Still all seems weird.  Four and a half years we fought and fought, then bang, the end happened so fast.  Still in shock I guess.



Well, 2 posts in 3 days! Just wanted to take a minute and reflect. Thanks for reading.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Thursday, December 8, 2011: Catch Up


The paragraphs below are posts that I've started over the past month but just couldn't bring myself to post.  Life keeps me really busy.  For the most part the kids and I are all doing fine.  We have a tough time coming up though with Kristi's birthday (Dec 17), Christmas and New Years Eve.  It's going to be a rough stretch but we stay strong knowing that the Lord will bring us comfort when we need and guidance when we're lost.  He hears our cries and He provides a firm foundation to stand.  We, with the help of your prayers, will land on a strong foundation.  I admit, I'm not 100% there yet.  My trust in my foundation crumbled a bit since Kristi passed.  As much as I was prepared, I wasn't even close to being prepared.  At times (which is still several times a week) I am still an emotional wreck.  I have re-started cleaning and organizing our storage rooms.  I came across all of her card stamping material and several "in process" cards that I cleaned and put in totes.  That was/is a very difficult process...many memories coming racing back as I find stuff.

Anyway, we're all managing and for the most part doing OK.  I appreciate your continued prayers over the next few weeks as we get deeper into the holiday season.  Pray that I will remember that the Rock on which I stand will never crumble and that the kids and I will be wrapped in His ever present arms.

Just in case I don't post until after Christmas - Have a great Christmas!



Previous attempts to post:

Sunday, November 13, 2011:  Thoughts
I was talking to a friend recently and he mentioned that he checked the blog recently and noticed that my last update was October 9.  Yeah, he was correct.  It's been over a month.  I still find it very difficult to look at the blog.  I can't bring myself to putting a new picture on the title of the blog.

I held back on the last post because I was not in a real good place then.  Truth has it, I'm still not.  Each and every day is a struggle.  Sunday's are the worst.  I sit in church and look around at all the happy families.  Kristi was everything to me.  I am physically here, but my heart went in that grave with Kristi.  Not sure what really to say at this point.  Believe it or not, this was only delivered a couple months ago.  I procrastinated in ordering it.


Wednesday, November 23, 2011: ??
The next 4 weeks are going to be brutal - Thanksgiving tomorrow, setting up the Christmas tree on Friday (family tradition that was always led by Kristi), Kristi's birthday (December 17), Christmas, then  new year's eve.  Prayers for the family and I through this season would be appreciated.

I try not to walk around all mopey and everything, and for the most part I'm always focused on the task at hand so I don't have much alone time to sit around and dwell (which is a good thing).  Sometimes I wonder if the business hasn't allowed me to grieve.  I have been so insanely busy since school started that I literally crash every night.  My day starts at 6:15 and ends when the last child goes to bed (usually around 9:30).  Then I crash on the couch and read all the e-mail from school, church, etc.  Then the old fashioned kind of mail is next.  Oh, then the really old fashioned voicemail.  Then I go to bed around 11 and repeat this cycle Monday - Friday.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Sunday, October 9, 2011: Emotions

I often get asked "so how are you doing?" or "are you adjusting to your new normal OK?"  Can I be honest with you?  I feel like I can be honest with you.  Well, here's the truth:  life sucks right now.  That's how I feel 99.9% of the time.  Truth is, I haven't moved on;  I can't let go.  The reminders are daily, and multiple times a day.  I waffle back and forth from "it's been 3 months already!" to "it's only been 3 months?!  it seems like forever ago".

Back to that first statement, "it's been 3 months already!".  The memories are still vivid.  The emotions are still raw.  The hurt is still very very real.  Right now I'm in the guilt phase.  Could I have done more?  What if we stayed down the chemo path?  what if I intervened more at Hospice?  what if...

I know, all irrational thoughts, but thoughts and questions I ask myself every day nonetheless.  Just one more hug.  One more kiss.  One more "I love you".  What Kristi and I had was special.  Everyone probably says that about their marriage, but Kristi and I were so meant for each other.  Sure, I have lots of memories and am grateful for the 22 years we shared together, but I just feel like I got jipped out of 20 more.

I started this 2 weeks ago and have so much more to say, but I'll leave that for another post or this will never get posted.

Friday, September 9, 2011

The Love Gun

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Sunday, August 28, 2011: Where'd The Summer Go?!

Blink.  Summer's gone!  This summer has been absolutely crazy busy, hence the reason I've done a terrible job keeping up with the blog.  Since Kristi passed away, the kids have kept me running on all cylinders and into turbo mode.  But, it's all been good.

This summer Ashley went to Camp Geneva for a week, Colorado for 9 days, Cedar Point with the middle school youth group, Wisconsin for a week on a service project, and of course a sleep-over every chance she could get...hmmm, maybe it's me she's trying to avoid?!  :)

Oh yeah, she also turned 14 in July (8th grade)!!  On her birthday I let her get a taste of driving and let her drive our van around the church parking lot.  I captured a little video of the adventure:




Nathan also has had a busy summer.  He also went to Camp Geneva for a week and has had several play dates.  Nathan and I had a 'boys outing' and went to Cedar Point for 2 days then caught a Tiger game on our way home (Tigers won, 4-1).  As an extra bonus to a great game Comerica Park had family firework night and put on a great firework show after the game.  While we were at Cedar Point we camped in our new van (I'll get to that later) and in Detroit we stayed downtown thanks to some free nights built up on my American Express.  Nathan just had a birthday too...he turned 11 (5th grade)
And here are some videos of the roller coasters...

Even though Emily is only 7, she has had a very busy summer as well.  She has had some very special friends in her preschool and kindergarten classes that have kept her busy with a number of play dates.  She will be going into the first grade this year so she's got a big shock coming to her...getting up early every day!!  Here are some pictures of her I took last week for her 1st grade school pictures...
As far as me, see first four paragraphs!  Managing 3 kids' summer schedules has been nearly a full time job.  Speaking of full-time jobs, I went back to work full time 3 weeks after Kristi's funeral and it has been extremely busy at work.  We're hiring again so that's been very exciting...it's been a long time (I work for JCI who is a supplier in the auto industry).  It's great to be busy again!  In addition to working and navigating the kids' schedules, I did manage to go on my annual 'man trip' with my buddies.  In fact, I'm sitting in the back of my van right now (Saturday) typing this...we're on our way home from a 4 day island adventure on Beaver and Garden Islands.  2 of my buddies own zodiacs so we took the ferry to Beaver Island then zodiac'd to Garden Island.  Here are some pictures...
And as I mentioned before, we got a new van.  I listed our 2000 Grand Caravan on Craig's List as sort of a joke but had callers within only a few hours.  Less than 24 hours after I posted the Grand Caravan was gone!  So, I entered the new car market.  Fortunately, my parents had a vehicle they weren't using so they "sold" it to me.  It's a brand spanking new 1994 Chevy full size conversion van complete with a TV/VCR and a plush lavender interior!  For a 1994 it's in immaculate condition.  The kids and I have been enjoying the van all summer:  Ashley and I went camping with it for one night at our favorite camping spot with good friends and Nathan and I camped in it for two nights while at Cedar Point.  We also drove the van on our annual man trip which made the ride to and from much more relaxing and enjoyable.  Thanks to modern technology we're able to stay "connected" while traveling.  This van will get lots of use!

So that's been our schedule this past summer.  How are we all doing emotionally since Kristi passed away?  Well, I’ll save that for my next post or I’ll never get this thing posted!


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Tuesday, August 2, 2011: Still Busy

Craziness.  That’s how I describe the past 2 months!  But a good crazy, I guess.  Ashley has been going nonstop since June – Camp Geneva for a week, Colorado for 9 days with her cousin’s youth group, Cedar Point, was a helper in VBS last week (getting bit, scratched, kicked by 5 year olds!) and now she’s gone again for a week with our church’s middle school doing a service project in Wisconsin!  She was actually signed up for a soccer camp last week as well but she decided maybe she needed to rest.  Ya think?! 

The other kids are doing well also although not nearly as busy as their older sister.  Last week Nathan was at Camp Geneva and this week Nathan and Emily are at my parent’s trailer near the Traverse City/Leelanau Peninsula area.  So, if you’ve been following…Ashley’s gone.  Nathan’s gone.  Emily’s gone.  YEEEHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Daddy gets his first break in months!!!  NO KIDS!!!!!!   Shoot, Ashley can read this.  Oh well.  Love ya honey.  YEEEHAAAAAAAA.  WOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  

Well, I do have to work.  I’m back to work full time again.  Last week I made it in before 8 everyday and this week I’m one for one!  The transition back to work has gone better than expected.  I guess I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it’s been good.  My boss had been telling me it was best for me to get back to work sooner rather than later just to get a sense of ‘normalcy’ back.  I think he was right.  Of course I’d never admit that to him, but I believe he was. 

I’ll be posting pictures from this summer later this week since I’ll have some “free time”.  Pictures from Ashley’s trip to CO, Nathan at Camp Geneva and some general pictures of what the kids and I have been up to.  Oh, did I mention Ashley turned 14 on July 24!?!!?!?  AHHHHHHHHH.  I took her driving in the church parking lot…and of course…got some great video!

Kristi’s dad also put together a video of the burial service…it was quite amazing.  When I get that I’ll upload it to Youtube and post it.  It is just as beautifully powerful as it is emotionally lamenting.  That afternoon when we arrived at the cemetery the rain had stopped as if God had hit the pause button, the sky brightened (the sun even poked through for a few seconds), the musical chirping of the birds provided a peacefully still ambiance, and the graveside service was beautifully administered.  It was just beautiful.  Sad, but beautiful.

That’s all for tonight…

 .

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Wednesday, July 20, 2011: Been a While

I haven’t updated in a while.  I know.  To be honest, it hurts too much to open up the blog.  In fact, for this update I am typing in Microsoft Word and cutting and pasting into the blog.  When I open up the blog I see that smile; I see her, and it brings it all back.  Just typing this I had to run up to my bedroom and cry (so the kids didn’t see me). 

Anyway, we’re all managing here.  Ashley is keeping very busy.  Nathan is still very quiet.  He opened up a little bit in his last visit with his counselor.  Then there’s Emily.  She hasn’t really missed a beat.  I did decide to start her on some counseling as well. 

Overall, I think we’re probably all “on schedule” as far as the healing process goes.  I have started back to work nearly full time.  Getting out of bed is the most difficult part of my day…not because I’m lazy, but because it feels like I’m buried under 1,000 pounds of cement.  Once I get out I’m usually OK, but everyday it’s a struggle.  Next week I will try to begin going in at 8.  Before all of this, I was always in between 7:00/7:30.  This week it’s been a struggle to get in by 9:30.  So, we’ll see how it goes next week.  Pray that some of this weight will be lifted, and pray also that the hurt in the kids, whether visible or not, will begin to dissipate.  

Monday, July 11, 2011

Monday, July 11, 2011: Ho Hum

Don't mean to be a downer debbie, but that's the mood I've been in lately.  Ashley is in Colorado this week so it's just me and the 2 younger kids...sure is lonely around the house.  Been down in the dumps since last Thursday...waiting to snap out of it.  Yesterday was hard...yesterday was 1 month.  It's still so surreal.  is she coming back?  The little kid in me wishes this was all a bad nightmare...maybe I'll wake up and she'll be lying next to me.

I know...it's not going to happen.  It's hard to find joy in anything...I'm still emotionally numb.

It'll get better...


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