Friday, December 16, 2011

Happy Birthday Kristi

Tomorrow would have been Kristi's 42nd birthday; one week after the 6 month anniversary of her passing, and one week before if I don't seem like I'm in a very festive mood you now know why.  Tomorrow night we're going out to dinner to honor her birthday.

I can't type anymore.  Pray that we can make it through this holiday season and still find some joy.

I love this picture of us.  We were so happy together.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

December 10, 2011: 6 Months

I'm wearing my Courage To Shine shirt today in honor of Kristi. It's been 6 months today. In some ways it seems like it's been 10 years but in other ways it seems like yesterday.  I can't believe she's been gone 6 months.

Right now, I'm sitting in a very hot and humid pool auditorium at Grandville High School with what seems/sounds like about 10,000 screaming girls. I can't help but think about Kristi as I sit here...she would be the one normally attending this. She used to always come home with these pounding headaches from these meets. I never understood why. I do now. My head. It hurts.  There is a very loud and obnoxious mom behind me clapping and screaming to cheer her daughter on. While it warms my heart to hear a mother supporting her daughter like that, I really wanted to turn around a say "look lady, your daughter's in 6th place, settle down already!". But I didn't. :) Oh my head hurts real bad. She won't shut up. Talk talk talk talk. Really lady?! 

Anyway, life goes on. The kids haven't mentioned anything yet about it being 6 months. I don't think I'll bring it up. If they mention it we'll talk about it, but no reason to remind them. They seem to be doing really well in their adjustment. Sometimes I think too well. "They" always say kids are resilient; I'd have to agree. I don't think I've ever shared this picture, but for those that haven't seen this, here is our headstone. Seems weird seeing your name on a headstone. I find it somewhat comforting just to go out and sit by her.  Still all seems weird.  Four and a half years we fought and fought, then bang, the end happened so fast.  Still in shock I guess.

Well, 2 posts in 3 days! Just wanted to take a minute and reflect. Thanks for reading.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Thursday, December 8, 2011: Catch Up

The paragraphs below are posts that I've started over the past month but just couldn't bring myself to post.  Life keeps me really busy.  For the most part the kids and I are all doing fine.  We have a tough time coming up though with Kristi's birthday (Dec 17), Christmas and New Years Eve.  It's going to be a rough stretch but we stay strong knowing that the Lord will bring us comfort when we need and guidance when we're lost.  He hears our cries and He provides a firm foundation to stand.  We, with the help of your prayers, will land on a strong foundation.  I admit, I'm not 100% there yet.  My trust in my foundation crumbled a bit since Kristi passed.  As much as I was prepared, I wasn't even close to being prepared.  At times (which is still several times a week) I am still an emotional wreck.  I have re-started cleaning and organizing our storage rooms.  I came across all of her card stamping material and several "in process" cards that I cleaned and put in totes.  That was/is a very difficult process...many memories coming racing back as I find stuff.

Anyway, we're all managing and for the most part doing OK.  I appreciate your continued prayers over the next few weeks as we get deeper into the holiday season.  Pray that I will remember that the Rock on which I stand will never crumble and that the kids and I will be wrapped in His ever present arms.

Just in case I don't post until after Christmas - Have a great Christmas!

Previous attempts to post:

Sunday, November 13, 2011:  Thoughts
I was talking to a friend recently and he mentioned that he checked the blog recently and noticed that my last update was October 9.  Yeah, he was correct.  It's been over a month.  I still find it very difficult to look at the blog.  I can't bring myself to putting a new picture on the title of the blog.

I held back on the last post because I was not in a real good place then.  Truth has it, I'm still not.  Each and every day is a struggle.  Sunday's are the worst.  I sit in church and look around at all the happy families.  Kristi was everything to me.  I am physically here, but my heart went in that grave with Kristi.  Not sure what really to say at this point.  Believe it or not, this was only delivered a couple months ago.  I procrastinated in ordering it.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011: ??
The next 4 weeks are going to be brutal - Thanksgiving tomorrow, setting up the Christmas tree on Friday (family tradition that was always led by Kristi), Kristi's birthday (December 17), Christmas, then  new year's eve.  Prayers for the family and I through this season would be appreciated.

I try not to walk around all mopey and everything, and for the most part I'm always focused on the task at hand so I don't have much alone time to sit around and dwell (which is a good thing).  Sometimes I wonder if the business hasn't allowed me to grieve.  I have been so insanely busy since school started that I literally crash every night.  My day starts at 6:15 and ends when the last child goes to bed (usually around 9:30).  Then I crash on the couch and read all the e-mail from school, church, etc.  Then the old fashioned kind of mail is next.  Oh, then the really old fashioned voicemail.  Then I go to bed around 11 and repeat this cycle Monday - Friday.