Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Wednesday, July 20, 2011: Been a While

I haven’t updated in a while.  I know.  To be honest, it hurts too much to open up the blog.  In fact, for this update I am typing in Microsoft Word and cutting and pasting into the blog.  When I open up the blog I see that smile; I see her, and it brings it all back.  Just typing this I had to run up to my bedroom and cry (so the kids didn’t see me). 

Anyway, we’re all managing here.  Ashley is keeping very busy.  Nathan is still very quiet.  He opened up a little bit in his last visit with his counselor.  Then there’s Emily.  She hasn’t really missed a beat.  I did decide to start her on some counseling as well. 

Overall, I think we’re probably all “on schedule” as far as the healing process goes.  I have started back to work nearly full time.  Getting out of bed is the most difficult part of my day…not because I’m lazy, but because it feels like I’m buried under 1,000 pounds of cement.  Once I get out I’m usually OK, but everyday it’s a struggle.  Next week I will try to begin going in at 8.  Before all of this, I was always in between 7:00/7:30.  This week it’s been a struggle to get in by 9:30.  So, we’ll see how it goes next week.  Pray that some of this weight will be lifted, and pray also that the hurt in the kids, whether visible or not, will begin to dissipate.  

Monday, July 11, 2011

Monday, July 11, 2011: Ho Hum

Don't mean to be a downer debbie, but that's the mood I've been in lately.  Ashley is in Colorado this week so it's just me and the 2 younger kids...sure is lonely around the house.  Been down in the dumps since last Thursday...waiting to snap out of it.  Yesterday was hard...yesterday was 1 month.  It's still so surreal.  is she coming back?  The little kid in me wishes this was all a bad nightmare...maybe I'll wake up and she'll be lying next to me.

I's not going to happen.  It's hard to find joy in anything...I'm still emotionally numb.

It'll get better...


Monday, July 4, 2011

Monday, July 4, 2011: Taking Some Bigger Steps

Last week was a big week as far as the emotional recovery goes.  I went back to work for a few hours Thursday and Friday (was very nervous/anxious/apprehensive about going back) AND we went to church yesterday.  These things seem simple to everyone I'm sure, but in my shoes they are big steps.

Today we went to the beach for the afternoon with friends and had a great time...even showed the younger dads and even some college kids that a 42 year old can still play a mean game of sand football.  I think I was the oldest one, can that be for real?!  Anyway, I got good and fried but the kids for the most part didn't get too sunburned.  They use this stuff that supposedly blocks the sun, or something like that.  They wipe it all over their body and they don't get sunburned.  Crazy.  Not me though.  Nope.  No way.  My face should be done peeling by 2 weeks from next Tuesday and I'll be good to go again!

After the beach we came home and showered and were off for a grill out with some other friends.  After that we all went to some other friends and watched the fireworks off of lake Mac.  Busy day but lots of fun.

One thing is for is tired!

Thank you all so much for the prayers over the past few weeks.  It's been, and will continue to be, a tough road. You guys are awesome!


Friday, July 1, 2011

Friday, July 1, 2011: 3 Weeks

9:55PM was the official time of death.  The gasp she made and the look on her face still haunt me.  I can still see it like it was yesterday.  I hate it, absolutely hate it.  Yes, I'm "OK", but I still hate it.  The pain is still very raw.