Sunday, January 30, 2011

Sunday, January 30, 2011: Weekends

I used to look forward to weekends.  After a long week of work I could count on coming home and spending the next 2 days doing nothing but whatever my family wanted - usually just lots of hanging out doing nothing.  These days I come home after a long stressful work week and look forward to spending the next 2 days watching my wife suffer - 24/7.  Friday night was filled with dry heaving and puking.  Hopefully just a bug, but unpleasant nonetheless.  Even knowing in advance that the next 2 days won't be easy, I still look forward to weekends because I still get to spend precious time with her.  Frankly, I don't care if I'm catching her puke, helping her down the stairs, getting her ice chips, whatever.  I'm thankful to have any time at all with her. 

Saturday was marginally better with Kristi resting most of the day.  She was able to visit with a great friend and watch the kids while I went to work for a few hours. 

Sunday was filled with pain and discomfort in her head, neck and stomach.  Just watching her suffer is exhausting enough.  She is an amazing woman to endure this for 4 years.  Personally, I would have quit a long time ago. 

We spent quite a bit of time just talking this weekend.  Lots of decisions lie ahead.  Tomorrow, we meet with the kids' psychologist.  Wednesday we meet with Kristi's oncologist. Kristi is pretty sure she is done with chemo; and I support her.  As a spouse that's a hard thing to do.  On one hand I want her to keep "doing something".  The idea of "doing nothing" means letting the cancer run its course.  Sure, still time for a miracle, but hard not to think about the other outcome...and that makes me downright mad, sad, frustrated and alone.  But, the quality of life she has endured over the past month with this new chemo is no way to spend your last days on this I can't just sit by and watch her suffer with more chemo either.  Kinda makes all the other decisions in life meaningless.  Late on a bill, oh well.  Not enough to pay property taxes, darn.  Missed my dentist appointment, oopsie.  Life and death decisions have a way of putting life into perspective.

We honestly don't know what is next.  Kristi would like another PET scan just to see what the tumors are up to.  Then I guess we figure out what to do from there.  In the meantime, we're talking about starting to interview some funeral homes and looking into buying burial plots.  2 plots.  Why 2 plots?  Because it's a smart thing to do.  Who's to say I won't get trampled to death by a herd of wild bore on my way to work tomorrow?  It's better to be prepared than to leave those details up to your loved ones left behind.  That's why 2 plots.  Emotionally, it's a better way to do it this way as well.   

Well, another heavy Sunday night.  Please continue to keep the family in your prayers this week.

Thank you!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Thursday, January 27, 2011: This & That

We have been very bad at keeping the blog updated - sorry :(

I didn't have chemo on Wednesday - I decided to take a week off because I am having "plumbing issues".  Enough said.

Ashley has started her own blog called "The Rogalske Family Life".  That girl never ceases to amaze me.  The link is on the right side of our blog or you can click here -

Life is hard.  God is good.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Oh, and happy flippin anniversary, cancer

Yup, it was 4 long painful years ago that Kristi was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  Yippee.  Don't really feel like celebrating.  I actually forgot about it until later this afternoon.  Then it was like a weight came over me.  Kristi said to pass this message along..."I hate cancer".  I agree.  Not giving it any more time that this little reminder.  I could use some vulgarities right now but I'll keep them for myself.

Sunday, January 23, 2011: Cold!

Well, the first few days last week after chemo actually went very well as compared to Kristi's first dose of this new chemo.  So for that we are very grateful.  Today, unfortunately, things didn't go very well.  Kristi woke up not feeling "right" and a little nauseous.  She had a very bad headache all day and her neck still hurts.  So I took the kids to the beech to give Kristi some quiet time.  We were actually there longer than I expected...very cool!  Some pictures below.  As the day went on Kristi's nausea got worse and worse until she was dry heaving. 

I guess we're supposed to be thankful for these times too.  Hmmm.  I'll understand some day...right now, not so much.  But anyway, the kids are waiting to be tucked in.  Chemo is Wednesday again so prayers for another "good" round!

Ashley & Nathan Wrestling

Hmm, the girls on the edge, the boy too scared.  Don't worry, there was just snow below them!

Um, brrrr

wonder what they're talking about
just looked...3 degrees out right now.  Hey Aunt Diane, how's the weather in Mexico?!

Can't leave without a picture of Big Red

Thursday, January 20, 2011

A reminder from a 7th grader

7. Write a letter to a friend telling them the story of Jesus and who he is to you personally.

The story of Jesus is amazing. Jesus is the Messiah, Lord of Lords, King of Kings, and lots more. A long time ago, Jesus did a thing that changed our lives forever. He gave up his life, for us. He died on the cross to save our sins. He paid the price, for us. Jesus, is a miracle. I have had many miracles in my life, and I'm praying for one right now. My mom has had Ovarian Cancer for quite a while now, and it keeps getting worse. I believe that God has great plans for my mom, maybe he wants her to be with him soon, or maybe he is going to heal her, and have her stay on earth for a little while longer. Sometimes it's hard to Trust Jesus, but we have to trust him, no matter what the circumstance is. Whether it can mean losing a loved one, or maybe struggling with something yourself. Trust in Jesus, because Jesus, is the key to happiness.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Wednesday, January 19, 2011: So Long Normal

I really enjoyed feeling "normal" for most of the past week. Today I was injected with poison . . . I mean chemo. Everything went fine - no problems. I'm starting to feel a bit queasy and tired. I'm sure some of it is psychological - just thinking about the chemo moving around inside my body makes me feel yucky.

While I was gone this morning our house was cleaned and supper was delivered. We have such an amazing support system. The kids are all home and playing Mario Cart Wii. Since the house is clean and supper is made I am going to veg out on the couch and watch them.

Life is hard, but God is good.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011: Another Dose

Kristi never got a chance to update the blog after the other day…she’s been too busy enjoying feeling almost human again! She really has enjoyed this time off from chemo. Unfortunately, she goes in for dose number 2 this morning at 9. Her nurse gave her a different anti-nausea med this time so we’re hopeful that she will be able to tolerate this dose better than the last one.

Please pray with us that she can tolerate this dose of chemo much better than the last one and that we see signs that the chemo is doing its job. Please also pray for the kids, specifically Ashley and Nathan as they are becoming much more aware of what’s going on. Thank you!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Saturday, January 15, 2011: A Very Quick Update

I am working on a blog update but right now I need to defend my title on Mario Cart Wii . In a nutshell - life is good!! Mammogram results were "normal"!! More details later.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Wednesday, January 12, 2011: 1 Week Delay

Just a short update tonight...Kristi woke up very nauseous this morning and feeling miserable so she cancelled her chemo appointment. She will go in next week Wednesday. Hopefully she can update tomorrow.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Monday, January 10, 2011: At A Loss for Words

I've lost track of how many times I have tried to update the blog over the past few weeks. I've signed in to blogger, clicked on "new post", typed in the date and then I sit and stare at the blank screen. I have plenty of things I could update about but I just can't seem to focus. I used to love updating the blog. The words would just come to me and it would help me process everything going on in my mind.

I was hoping that today would be the day. That I would start typing and all the words would just come out, but they're not. They seem to be trapped and lost in my brain. So for now I will just share a few details.

I am feeling much better today - the chemo "fog" seems to have finally lifted. My next treatment is this Wednesday but I am really struggling with the thought of it. This morning I went for a mammogram and I won't even let myself think about getting bad results. I don't think I have fully let "reality" register yet in my brain. I don't even know how.

I've been staring at the screen for the past 30 minutes. I keep waiting for something creative to come out of my fingers but it's just not happening. So I will simply end the post asking for prayers for good test results from this morning, for wisdom with treatment decisions and that I will be able to hear from God again soon. I haven't heard from Him in a long time. I know He's there and that He's listening and that He has never left me and never will. But right now, He feels so far away.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Saturday, January 8, 2011: Days 4 & 5

Days 4 and 5 post chemo were better than day 3 but still no walk in the park. Kristi remains very chemo fatigued but at least the nausea is gone. She has spent most of the past 2 days between the couch and bed.

I've been getting a real good idea of what a single parent goes through every day. I have to admit, I don't like it. Let's take some time tonight to think about all the single parents out there and say a special prayer for them.

The kids have been great...very patient. Although I usually have all 3 of them asking for me at once, they understand I'm outnumbered. I went skiing with Ashley last night so Nathan and Emily took care of Kristi by having a slumber party in our bedroom..."movie night".

Hopefully Kristi can do the update tomorrow night. I keep telling her "your fans want to hear from you". :)

Anyway, thank you for all the prayers and never ending support!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Thursday, January 6, 2011: Day 3

Well, day 3 was slightly better than day 2, but still not a good one. Please continue to pray for comfort. I'm out of words for tonight.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Wednesday, January 5, 2011: Not What The Doctor Ordered

When Kristi's doctor said that most people tolerate this chemo fairly well, she forgot Kristi isn't like "most people". Kristi is very unique. Always has been. That's what I love about her. Except when it comes to cancer. I wish she were "normal" when it came to cancer. But she's anything but.

Chemo Day 2: spent in bed or sleeping on the couch, very nauseous and even threw in some dry heaving to top it off. We can't have this. This chemo has to work. It just has to.

Pray with me tonight that these side effects will be very short lived. He can't have her yet; I still need her. With each passing day I'm getting more and more scared. Please pray bold with me tonight. It's not too late for God to work a miracle.

Thank you.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Tuesday, January 4, 2011: Chemo Update

Another short update tonight...Kristi had her first chemo treatment today and all went well. She has been sleeping since she got home but I talked to her a little while ago and she said she just felt a little nauseous but that was it - as it related to the chemo. She still has very bad back pains that force her to take Vicodin on a pretty regular occasion.

Let's pray that tomorrow she will have her energy back and there are no side effects to the chemo.


Monday, January 3, 2011

Monday, January 3, 2011: Delinquent

I can't believe the holidays are done and we're off to a new year!

Well, Kristi and I have been delinquent in getting out an update. We have been very busy with the holidays and just have had a lot of things on our minds lately. Anyway, we met with her new oncologist last week and I have to say...what a refreshing change. Dr. VanderWoulde is soooo much more personable and shares so much more information.

At our last visit right before Christmas, she shared the results of Kristi's last CT scan. There was a lot of information in the new scan, but we can summarize it up with this line from the report: "Worsening appearance of metastatic disease".

We decided to try a new chemo. This is one that she hasn't had before but the doctor said most people tolerate it we're encouraged by that. Tomorrow is Kristi's first treatment. The schedule will be 3 weeks on (on Tuesdays) and 1 week off, 3 weeks on 1 week off, 3 weeks on 1 week off, etc.

I need to be short tonight. Hopefully Kristi will be up to updating it tomorrow night.