Monday, January 10, 2011

Monday, January 10, 2011: At A Loss for Words

I've lost track of how many times I have tried to update the blog over the past few weeks. I've signed in to blogger, clicked on "new post", typed in the date and then I sit and stare at the blank screen. I have plenty of things I could update about but I just can't seem to focus. I used to love updating the blog. The words would just come to me and it would help me process everything going on in my mind.

I was hoping that today would be the day. That I would start typing and all the words would just come out, but they're not. They seem to be trapped and lost in my brain. So for now I will just share a few details.

I am feeling much better today - the chemo "fog" seems to have finally lifted. My next treatment is this Wednesday but I am really struggling with the thought of it. This morning I went for a mammogram and I won't even let myself think about getting bad results. I don't think I have fully let "reality" register yet in my brain. I don't even know how.

I've been staring at the screen for the past 30 minutes. I keep waiting for something creative to come out of my fingers but it's just not happening. So I will simply end the post asking for prayers for good test results from this morning, for wisdom with treatment decisions and that I will be able to hear from God again soon. I haven't heard from Him in a long time. I know He's there and that He's listening and that He has never left me and never will. But right now, He feels so far away.