Sunday, January 30, 2011

Sunday, January 30, 2011: Weekends

I used to look forward to weekends.  After a long week of work I could count on coming home and spending the next 2 days doing nothing but whatever my family wanted - usually just lots of hanging out doing nothing.  These days I come home after a long stressful work week and look forward to spending the next 2 days watching my wife suffer - 24/7.  Friday night was filled with dry heaving and puking.  Hopefully just a bug, but unpleasant nonetheless.  Even knowing in advance that the next 2 days won't be easy, I still look forward to weekends because I still get to spend precious time with her.  Frankly, I don't care if I'm catching her puke, helping her down the stairs, getting her ice chips, whatever.  I'm thankful to have any time at all with her. 

Saturday was marginally better with Kristi resting most of the day.  She was able to visit with a great friend and watch the kids while I went to work for a few hours. 

Sunday was filled with pain and discomfort in her head, neck and stomach.  Just watching her suffer is exhausting enough.  She is an amazing woman to endure this for 4 years.  Personally, I would have quit a long time ago. 

We spent quite a bit of time just talking this weekend.  Lots of decisions lie ahead.  Tomorrow, we meet with the kids' psychologist.  Wednesday we meet with Kristi's oncologist. Kristi is pretty sure she is done with chemo; and I support her.  As a spouse that's a hard thing to do.  On one hand I want her to keep "doing something".  The idea of "doing nothing" means letting the cancer run its course.  Sure, still time for a miracle, but hard not to think about the other outcome...and that makes me downright mad, sad, frustrated and alone.  But, the quality of life she has endured over the past month with this new chemo is no way to spend your last days on this I can't just sit by and watch her suffer with more chemo either.  Kinda makes all the other decisions in life meaningless.  Late on a bill, oh well.  Not enough to pay property taxes, darn.  Missed my dentist appointment, oopsie.  Life and death decisions have a way of putting life into perspective.

We honestly don't know what is next.  Kristi would like another PET scan just to see what the tumors are up to.  Then I guess we figure out what to do from there.  In the meantime, we're talking about starting to interview some funeral homes and looking into buying burial plots.  2 plots.  Why 2 plots?  Because it's a smart thing to do.  Who's to say I won't get trampled to death by a herd of wild bore on my way to work tomorrow?  It's better to be prepared than to leave those details up to your loved ones left behind.  That's why 2 plots.  Emotionally, it's a better way to do it this way as well.   

Well, another heavy Sunday night.  Please continue to keep the family in your prayers this week.

Thank you!