This morning I woke up with Proverbs 3:5-6 running through my head - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." I was encouraged by this and thought it was a great way to start the day. And then I got out of bed . . . .
The first thing I saw was snow. Lots and lots of snow. Brian was planning on driving us to the doctors appointment so I wasn't worried. He has a Jeep that can get through anything. Next I noticed that we had a voice mail from the doctors office. Rut-roh. They were just checking to see if we were planning on coming in today and to give them a call so I did. Well, the doctor wasn't able to make it in today sooooooo, we rescheduled for next week Wednesday.
I wasn't very happy but I had my "phone voice" on (as my dear sweet husband pointed out) and was pleasant to her. Then I hung up the phone. No more Mr. Nice Guy. First thing I did was ream Brian for making fun of my "phone voice". Yes, I know I have one . . . deal with it and DON'T MOCK ME or you will suffer the consequences (silent treatment, evil eye, random unexplained psychotic episodes aimed at him or all of the above).
Unfortunately Ashley had the bad timing of walking in the room after I was done yelling at Brian (for the moment). And for those of you that are shaking your head saying "there is no way she yells" . . . sorry to burst that little bubble but not only do I yell but I push buttons, have a sarcastic streak like you wouldn't believe and well, let's just say I can be very unpleasant at times . Why is it that when we are mad and frustrated we take it out on the innocent family members who have the unfortunate timing of standing in front of us when we are ready to blow?
Where was I? Oh yes, Ashley walked in the room and since I was mad, frustrated and not feeling well I decided that I should throw some grumpiness at her too. I got a "look" from Brian and I believe he even did a "zip it" motion to suggest that I stop talking. So, that's what I did - I stopped talking, turned on my heel, stomped upstairs to my bedroom. How dare he? How dare she? How dare they? I am having so much pain and bloating and yucky symptoms. I have a list longer than my arm of questions I wanted to ask the doctor - how can she not be in today? Now what?? What do I do?
I sat and watched the snow fall. I thought about all the questions I had lined up to ask the doctor and wondered why I wouldn't get that chance today. Then I heard it again - "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding". I wasn't very trusting this morning. I was leaning completely on my own understanding - the understanding that I still have pain, I am still scared, I am still frustrated and am still so lost. Why am I leaning on that nonsense??
The second part of the verse is "in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight". My paths are so crooked right now. They are winding with dead ends and wrong turns - I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I have no where else to go and nothing else to do so right now I am "letting go". I'm not "giving up". There is a difference. I am acknowledging God and will try to do that in all my ways. This is how my path will become straight. That is all I want right now. A straight path right to Him.