We've made some medication adjustments and I have been able to control my pain - yea! Emotionally though I am all over the place. I met with my "chemo club" this morning (the most awesome group of cancer survivors ever!). I wanted to freeze time when I was with them. We laughed so hard we cried. A few hours later though I was in bed crying but this time it wasn't from laughing. To be honest - there are moments where I just want to turn in my "resignation". This letting go of things is sooooooo hard. Gut wrenching hard. I say I'm not giving up but honestly there are moments when I want to.
This afternoon I caught up on my devotionals from the book Streams in the Desert and then read the bible. It is amazing how quickly that restores me soul. It gives me purpose and strength. I don't know what God has planned for me but I do know if I spend my time hiding in bed with the covers over my head I'm not going to be prepared for it. I've got quite a spiritual battle going on in my mind. If God is up to something big then I know Satan is up to no good. He'd like nothing better than for me to give up and hide under the covers.
I spend too much time reading emails, blogs and on facebook. It is so easy to do and I end up feeling worn out afterwards. After I read the bible I am filled up. Why is is so hard to make the right choice of reading material? And how I spend my time?
I would love prayers for discipline on how I use my time. Prayers of praise for less pain and also prayers for wisdom with medication decisions. Prayers for patience for Brian - I can't imagine how difficult it must be for him. We have been blessed with a huge outpouring of support in more ways than I can list but it ultimately all lands on him - all the decisions, all the choices, everything. The kids are doing very well all things considered. Ashley got hit pretty hard with a flu bug today - pray that this bug flies away fast and skips the rest of us on it's way out the door!
I'll end with a part of a devotion I read today:
We will laugh at seemingly impossible situations while we watch with delight to see how God is going to open a path through our Red Sea. It is in these places of severe testing, with no human way out of our difficulty, that our faith grows and is strengthened.