I keep telling myself . . . it's just a number. I just wish that number would stop going up. It has gone up to 80 now (from 67). I have an appointment on Monday afternoon at 1:15 for a physical. If my doctor finds anything suspicious (lumps or spots) then I will need to begin chemo. If he doesn't find anything then we continue to monitor the level and probably run more tests. The rise in the CA125 alone is not enough to start treatment.
For now, we wait. Easier said than done. On a positive note, I feel fine and my last scan was clear. My doctor even said to me last night "don't let the number bring you down". It is so amazing how one phone call can change your plans so drastically.
The kids are handling the news pretty well. We have told them all along that the cancer could possibly return. They know that I am going to need more tests and we are being extra cautious. We are also emphasizing that God is bigger than all of this. And quite often they are the ones reminding us of that.
My parents are in Texas right now until next week Thursday. I had to give the news to my mom by phone yesterday and she handled it pretty well and promised me that she would enjoy her trip and not worry about me (I'm pretty sure she had her fingers crossed though). Please pray that they would be able to have peace and enjoy this time away.
I am feeling a bit numb. It's so hard to even imagine the possibility of returning to chemo. I try to look at the positive side though. We know that my cancer is not resistant to the first line of treatment (the first chemo I had). I am still young (okay, fairly young), I am healthy (with the exception of this stupid cancer thing) and I have walked this road before. If I would have to start chemo at least I won't have to deal with the colostomy! Or have to deal with recovering from major surgery. My port is still in so I wouldn't need surgery for that. I've had my head shaved once before and have had many people tell me that I pull off the scarf look well. There is always a silver lining in every cloud.
I just wish we didn't have to be so broken for God's light to shine so brightly. I feel like I am sliding right back into the deeper relationship with Him already. It's such a wonderful place to be. I would ask for prayers that this weekend we can forget about the cancer and just have fun together. Also that there is nothing suspicious found at my appointment on Monday.
May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you. Psalm 33:22
