Tuesday, March 30, 2010: Thy Will Be Done

For the past few months thoughts have been bouncing around in my head about God’s will for me. I figured it was time to move these thoughts from my head to the blog because doing this always helps me process things better.

I have been thinking about The Lord's Prayer - especially the line "thy will be done". I don't know how many times I have said The Lord’s Prayer during my life - probably more than I can count. I have just rattled it off as something I had memorized as a child. How many times have I prayed "thy will be done"?

Last week the sixth grade class at Rose Park gave presentations on Stations of the Cross. We traveled from station to station watching Christ's final hours. We began at the scene of Jesus praying on the Mount of Olives then continued on through scenes such as Jesus being arrested, Peter's denial and the guards mocking. There was also the scene where Jesus was brought before Pilates and Herod, the crucifixion and finally, his death.

I have heard these stories so many times before. I have heard the Easter story read to me as a child and read it myself in the bible as an adult. I think the older I get the easier it is to become numb to the powerfulness of this story. My mind skips ahead because I want to get to the happy ending.

The kids presentation hit me in a powerful way. With the exception of the ones who portrayed Jesus, everyone wore a black shirt. They were very solemn and had their heads hanging down when we entered and left the room. They also did this when it wasn’t their turn to speak. When they did speak, they were full of passion and made us believe that they were the character that they were portraying.

Like I said earlier, I have heard these stories so many times before but when I saw them acted out by these students I both heard and saw them in a new light. I tend to always look forward to the ending (although it is really not an “ending” at all!). Knowing that Jesus rose victoriously from the grave makes these stories easier to hear. The last scene we visited though was his death on the cross. We walked out of that room heavy and saddened.

I reflected back over the scenes. It was very strange to see m my sweet, soft-spoken Ashley look up at the cross where Jesus hung and hear her sneering the words “he saved others; let him save himself if he is the Christ of God, the Chosen One”. Every scene was powerful but my mind kept coming back to the one of Jesus praying on the Mount of Olives ~ specifically Luke 22:42 ~ "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."

Those are some very difficult words to say. I have often said the first half ~ “God, please take this cancer from me” and I have also said “your will be done”. I am usually yelling the first part but when it comes to saying "Your will be done" it is typically more like a whisper. I don’t know if I have ever really said the middle phrase though “yet not my will”. I want to accept His will but I don't want to give up my own. I want to let Him know what my will is for my life ~ so He can make sure we are on the same page - the page that I wrote.

It has been and still is quite a process working through this. As always, typing this out has helped me work through it. When I put everything in perspective I am reminded that this this life is just a breath compared to the things yet to come.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1: 3-9

Wednesday, March 24, 2010: Fight Like a Girl

I have had quite a few people ask me about my "fight like a girl" sweatshirt. I bought it from a friend that is fighting breast cancer - it is sooooo comfortable! Amy is selling them to raise awareness of breast cancer and they are finishing up their last and final order - checks need to be sent by March 26 (yup, two days from now!). I meant to get this posted earlier . . . here's the link to the blog

www.fightinglikeagirl-amy.blogspot.com

If you would like to order one I would email Amy to let her know what you would like to order

and that your check is in the mail. Her email address is in the "about me" section on the right side of her blog. She is also walking

in the Susan G. Komen 3 day walk for the cure and there is a spot on her blog that you can donate to.

Amy was an awesome nurse before cancer and she is going to be an awesome nurse who has

"been there, done that". I know whenever I would hear a nurse or doctor tell me that they were

a cancer survivor it would make such an impact on me. They weren't just talking the talk -

they had walked the walk.

I am having "technical difficulties" with this post - my paragraphs are goofed up, the font is

changing and it doesn't look like you can click on the link to Amy's blog. If it doesn't work,

just copy it and paste it. This is very frustrating to leave this post like this (perfectionist issues!)

but I don't have time to figure things out. Maybe later.

Sunday, March 21, 2010: Short & Sweet

Plans keep changing around here ~ long story short I had my CA125 tested last week Thursday. My new number is 181 (in January it was 194).

It was a huge relief that it didn't go up but I have to admit - I was hoping it would be much lower. It's just a number though and I am much more than a statistic.

It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man. Psalm 118:8

Tuesday, March 16, 2010: When God Speaks

Wow, long time no update! We've been enjoying being "normal" for a couple weeks now. Next week I will have my CA125 checked and then my appointment with Dr. Downey is on March 31. Right now I am enjoying the fact that I still have two weeks free of any doctor appointments! My neck healed very quickly and now it just looks like sunburn.

I have been meaning to write about my "God story" that happened on my last day of radiation. I'd sit down at the computer to write and then life would take over and before I knew it another day went by. I've learned though that God's timing is always perfect.

Last year I had bought the devotional book Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. I loved it. Loved, loved, loved it! As I was reading the book a few months ago I sensed God was telling me that I needed to give this book away ~more specifically I needed to give it to my sister. I mentally argued because like I said ~ I really, really liked the book! It had brought me so much comfort and I couldn't imagine that God would want me to give that up. Well, He did and He continued to work at me until I finally listened and gave it to Lori. She has told me many times now how much the book has comforted her and Eric. There have been days that the devotional felt like it was written specifically for them.

I had thought about buying another copy for myself many times and even had the book in my hand at the store once only to hear God say "I didn't tell you to give that book away so you could just go and buy another copy". I've learned that when God talks you don't argue. So, I put the book back on the shelf.

I was thinking about this book a lot during my radiation treatments. When I was nearing the end I decided that I would buy another copy for myself as a "reward" for making it through. I didn't hear God saying no to this so I was very excited and had already made plans that I was going to go to Family Christian Bookstore right after my last treatment.

I didn't need to make that trip though. A friend of mine walked into the waiting room as I was waiting for my last "zap" and in her hands was a copy of Jesus Calling. She told me that she had wanted to get it for me earlier but as we all know - life has a tendency to make other plans. What she thought was something on her to-do list that didn't get done soon enough was actually all a part of God's plan. The timing of when she brought the book to me was absolutely perfect. It was one of those "wow" moments in life. I'm discovering just how much God is in every little detail of our life if we're not looking for Him then that moment will just slip by.

At the present time your plenty will supply what they need, so that in turn their plenty will supply what you need. 2 Corinthians 8:14

Thursday, March 4, 2010: Time To . . . Stay Home!

I just noticed the time - it's 1:45 PM. For the past five weeks this was the time that I got into the van and headed to LAROC (Lakeshore Area Radiation Oncology Clinic). I'm not getting into the van right now . . . why . . . because I'M DONE WITH RADIATION!!!! Yup, still flying high!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010: Flying High!

I'm done ~ I'M done ~ I'M DONE!!!!!!! It was an awesome day!! Brian came to my treatment today and took lots of pictures. Hopefully we'll get them posted tonight or tomorrow but for now I wanted to update and say I'M DONE!!!! Or did I mention that already? :)

I have not watched any of the Rocky movies (too violent for me) but the theme song - Flying High Now - has been going through my head all day long. I looked on you tube and found a video with it that fits perfectly with our battle with cancer . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Zcb3Z6gVb0&feature=related

Tuesday, March 2, 2010: Almost Done!

Tomorrow is my last treatment - my very last one - yeeeeeaaaaa!!!! I was originally scheduled to be done today but I asked them last week if I could take Friday "off" and add an extra day to the end. I'm very glad that I did - I can't imagine how bad Saturday would have been if I didn't.

Sunday was better than Saturday - I no longer felt like someone was rubbing broken pieces of glass into my neck. Every day it has gotten a little bit better even with having a treatment yesterday and today.

Today as I walked into the clinic I had a big smile on my face. I was thinking how ironic it was that I was smiling while walking to a radiation clinic for the 26th time. What a change from my first visit. I was anxious, scared and quite overwhelmed then. Now I'm so excited to be done! I'm also exhausted so I'm signing off now and going to bed. Nighty-night.