Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Wednesday, September 22, 2010: No Matter What

I've been experimenting with the chemo pill over the past couple of weeks trying to find a routine that I could physically tolerate. The original plan was 3 weeks on ~ one week off. I was only able to handle that for maybe three months or so. At my last appointment we decided to try two weeks on and two weeks off. I took the first pill that night and was miserable already the next morning with nausea and fatigue.

I've tried every combination I can think of - two nights on, one night off ~ one night on, two nights off ~ one night on, one night off. The only thing that was consistent with all of this was the fact that this pill makes me sick.

I've been talking with God about this for the past few months. I have stopped treatment before when I felt God was telling me to and I don't regret any of the times I did. I've been feeling like God has been telling me to stop chemo again recently but it's a bit different this time.

I was struggling with the thought of stopping chemo a bit more this time because as much as I trust God, well, let's just say statistics can get the better of me. Medically speaking there are not a lot of options out there for me anymore. Last week I found myself saying "okay God, I'll stop the chemo now because I believe that you can heal me" and I heard "that's not what I'm saying". That threw me for a loop. Then I heard "I want you to trust me - no matter what". Gulp.

Obviously my first choice would be that after stopping chemo my cancer would "mysteriously" disappear because well, that would just simply be awesome. I don't get to choose how this will all play out but I do have a choice right now ~ I can choose to listen to God and obey Him - no matter what.

This in no way means that I am giving up. I am choosing to listen to God right now and do what He is telling me right now which means ~ bye bye chemo! (Yup, doing a happy dance right now!). I actually stopped chemo a few days ago and I am feeling much better. I am stronger and so much less fatigued.

Throughout the past few days though satan has been on the prowl. He's been hurling lie after lie at me and I've bought into them. Yesterday a light crept into the darkness and pulled me out. All his lies were exposed again and this time I let him have it ~ I drop kicked his sorry butt right back where it belongs! Okay so honestly this entire exchange happened in my head but it was powerful. Some day I will break out of my shell and literally scream at him but for now this seems to be working for me because I felt the darkness break up and leave. I'm sure this means he's regrouping now and going to come back at me even harder to which I have three words for . . . . "bring it on".