Sunday, December 19, 2010

Sunday, December 19, 2010: When The Going Gets Tough - The Tough Get Sick?

Wow, I just looked back and realized that I haven't done an update since November. Usually I like to update the blog - to help process what is going through my mind. The past few weeks the thought of sitting at a computer and typing has been too much for me.

I've had friends say they cringe when they see the update is in black because they know Brian typed it and he is the more realistic one - he says it like it is. Also, if he is updating it usually means I am not physically up to it. I wish I could say that since this update is by me it will be a happy, upbeat one but I'd be lying.

To be perfectly honest, right now I am scared. The physical pain is really taking a toll on me. The waiting is driving me bonkers. On top of this I came down with a flu bug on Wednesday night. Thursday I felt like a bomb had gone off inside my head. My only goal was to remain still as possible because I was afraid my head may actually explode.

Thankfully I felt much better on my birthday. It was the best birthday ever! If I typed everything that I did that day this post would go on forever so here's a quick glimpse: Emily slept in (yea!), a friend dropped off a tin of frosted Christmas cookies (yum!), went to see the movie Tangled (cute!) with my mom and Emily, went to lunch with my parents (more yum!), came home to discover that a friend had decorated our front porch with beautiful (BEAUTIFUL!) Christmas decorations and that Brian had come home early from work (woohoo!).

As if the day wasn't going good enough, someone from the Moms In Touch prayer group that has been praying for us stopped by with a huge bag of goodies for our family movie night. A red serving tray, huge popcorn bowl and smaller serving bowls, microwave popcorn, candy canes, pop, hot cocoa, boxes of movie theater style candy, chips and a couple dvd's are just some of the items that were in this bag.

There are days when I hate being "that family" and there are days when I am overwhelmed by the love that is shown to us because we are "that family". Friday I was overwhelmed by the kindness of our community of friends and family.

The best part of the day by far was cuddling up on the couches with lots of blankets, Brian, the kids and the dogs to watch a movie. Rosie was hiding in the other room - yes, she is still with us and available if anyone still needs a last minute Christmas gift! :)

Being crashed on the couch with the family and slipping away from reality was the best gift ever. I went between watching the movie and watching my family. I wish I could have made time stand still right then. As happy and content as I was though the thought "what if" kept pushing its way from the back of my mind. What if that was my last birthday? What if this is my last Christmas? Honestly though - that question goes for any of us. No one knows when their last day will be. It's just when you have cancer that question is constantly running through your mind. Every time you have a new pain you wonder. Every time the phone rings you wonder. Every single minute of every single day - I wonder.

Saturday I still felt pretty good but today I woke up with a horrible headache. I think it is just the end of whatever virus I had last week. My sinus' are clogged, my chest is full of guck, my nose is stuffed up and dripping, my eyes are watering . . . right now I would be the perfect picture for a Nyquil commercial. Well, the "before" picture anyway.

Tuesday morning we meet with Dr. VanderWoude to discuss two chemo treatment options. I can honestly say that I really, really, really do not want to start chemo again. I will though if after talking to the doctor we think that it is the right option for me. Right now I wish I could just wiggle my nose and make it all go away.

I'll end this post with a song that I have listened to so much lately that Emily has even started singing along! It's called One More Round by BarlowGirl (thanks Kathy!!). Here's the link and some of the lyrics:

Round one wasn't what I thought it'd be
Round two I'm struggling to breathe
3, 4, 5, 6, 7 times I wondered why I stepped inside this ring

I may be knocked down and bruised
But I'm here to tell you
That I may be knocked down but not for the count

So take me one more round
I'll just keep fighting
One more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here

One more round I'll come out swinging
One more round
I'm telling you now I'm not gonna lose it

It's so hard to get up off the floor again
But I know that victory is when
I'm pushing through the pain that tries to feed me lies that I won't reach the end

I may be bloodied and so bruised
But I'm here to tell you
That I may be knocked down but not for the count

I am not defeated
Though you cannot see it
I have never won a battle on my own
I find strength in weakness
I find hope in believing
God is for me who can bring me down?