Sunday, November 29, 2009

Sunday, November 29, 2009: A Week of Uncertainty

It is so quiet right now I can hear the clock ticking. The house is dark with the exception of the lights glowing on the Christmas tree. The rain that was annoying me earlier today is now quietly tapping on the windows.

We are now officially done with a long weekend that has been filled with go, go, go. It started last Wednesday with my PET scan. We've been to Thanksgiving meals with the family, a wedding shower, and a fund raiser. We also put up the Christmas tree and decorations (since we had so much extra time - not). I just came from the last Thanksgiving get-together which was in Jenison with Brian's family. Nathan and I had to leave early so we could get him to church in time for practice.

So now I sit alone in silence. The initial feeling was "aaaaaahhhhhh". Physically it is great to finally crash. Mentally though it's never a good thing to have a mind that has nothing to focus on. As I look at our calendar for next week I start to stress out. Brian's uncle will be receiving the results tomorrow from a test last week to check his carotid artery. My brother-in-law is scheduled to have a feeding tube put in on Tuesday. If my grandpa gets the "all clear" on Tuesday from his doctor he will have surgery on Friday. I will be jumping every time the phone rings wondering if it is my doctor with the results of my PET scan or a family member calling with an update.

As I started to wonder how I was going to make it through the uncertainty of this week I had a thought that comforted me. God already knows what this week will bring. He already knows the results that I will hear and knows what I will need from Him to make it through. There is no way I can survive this week on my own and yet I am sure I will try hard to take control. I will try to be super-mom and get my kids everywhere they need to be (which itself alone seems to be a full-time job!), keep the house picked up, get laundry caught up and put meals on the table. I will run from store to store trying to find the right Christmas gift at the best possible price. I will try to plan menu's and start thinking about Christmas parties. I will do whatever it is that I do that seems to take up every minute of my day. I will fall into bed exhausted at the end of the day feeling like I didn't accomplish anything. It is usually at that point that I realize in my quest to become super-woman that I didn't even stop to say a prayer. I didn't stop and just listen to what God had to say. Despite my best intentions, I will have tried to take control of something that is out of my control.

One of my favorite books is "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World". This morning I read this . . . . "When we put work before worship, we put the cart before the horse. The cart is important; so is the horse. But the horse must come first, or we end up pulling the cart ourselves." I'm tired of pulling the cart.

I am so thankful that our God is filled with such patience and grace. I have been trying to be more focused on Him and less on me. I have tried to be aware of His presence all day long. I have the best of intentions and quite often fail miserably. Every time I do though He just says "that's okay, stand up, wipe the dust off and let's try this again".

So now I'll stand up, wipe the dust off and go forward through this week. One day at a time, one thing at a time and sometimes just one minute at a time. I will survive this week and by God's grace I will do it with a smile on my face, focus in my mind and peace in my heart.

In the world of Martha and Mary's I am definitely a Martha. This week I will try my best to be Mary and choose "the better thing" . . .

"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen the better thing and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42