This morning in church we sang Blessed Be Your Name and the lyrics hit home. Here's a couple lines:
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
I've been feeling great physically lately but emotionally I am struggling a bit. I feel distant from God. As I sang these words this morning I realized that when I am suffering I find myself quickly going to God and also singing His praises. I can so easily praise Him in the storm, but, "when the world is as it should be and the sun is shining" I don't seek Him or praise Him nearly enough. I tend to just hop in the drivers seat in life and take control.
It really is bittersweet. I am so thankful for this "normalcy" and yet at the same time feel so alone. I can read the bible but not connect with it as much as I do when I was sick. I can pray but again, it feels distant. When I was fighting for my life, those prayers were my connection to God. I miss that connection and I want it back (minus the cancer!). I don't think that is possible though. I think we can only feel that amazing strength from God when we are completely broken and weak. If you have "knocked on heaven's door" so to speak, then you know what I mean.
I think God is trying to get my attention about this. Emily (our 4 year old daughter) was singing "oh no, never let go" this morning. She had heard the song playing on the radio and picked up on the chorus. She has been singing a lot today and it is so cute. The song kept going through my head with more of the words . . . Oh no, You never let go through the calm and through the storm. It hit me - through the calm and the storm. He is holding me just as tight now as He was during my storm. He hasn't gone anywhere, I have. I need to learn to never let go of Him in the calm.
Thanks for reading my long update! It's sometimes hard to share so much personal information but at the same time it helps so much when I type it out. Also, knowing that this need will be prayed for is a huge incentive for putting it all out there. Thank you prayer warriors :)
