Saturday, July 17, 2010

Saturday, July 17, 2010: Still Listening

I've been trying to listen to God. Not just a sit down, pray and listen kind of thing but actually listening all day long. I want to connect with God as though He was literally right next to me guiding me with each decision. The more I've listened, the more I've heard.

I've heard very clear cut answers to questions. I've heard songs on the radio that went right to my heart as if God was sitting next to me, pointing to the radio and saying "this one is for you". Last week as I was driving home every song that was playing on the radio was like a personal message to me. A new song started that I have never heard before and it was as if I had wrote the song myself. It was my life, right now, exactly what I was feeling. As I listened to the words God was so very real to me. I was in awe. It felt like it was just me and God at that moment and everything else fell away.

Of course now I can't remember a single word to the song and despite many google searches I have not been able to find it. But that's okay because if I need to hear it again - God will play it for me.

Very early this morning an amazing woman left this earth and went to her eternal home. I admired her long before either of us had been diagnosed with cancer. She encouraged me so much. She had walked a mile in my shoes and she understood my fears, my joys and my sorrows. We could talk freely to each other knowing we would not be judged by our words.

Today's news of her passing caught me completely off guard. I knew that she was experiencing a lot of health issues and was not able to start a second clinical trial because of it but I did not realize how significant these issues had become.

My first thought was "No! How can this be possible? I haven't talked to her recently, I still have so much to learn from her." I instantly had guilt for not calling her more often or visiting with her. The guilt became overwhelming until I heard God whisper "these thoughts are not from me".

I have been trying figure out how to keep in constant communication with God. When I hear songs and read scripture I feel so connected. I wish I could just push away the nonsense of life and simply be with God. Life is filled with so many distractions. I get frustrated with how easily my mind can wander - how quickly I can go from dwelling in God's peace to listening to the enemies lies. I asked God today "how do I stay connected to you?" and I heard "through your suffering". To be honest - that really scared me. As much as I love the closeness to God I feel during the times of suffering, I am mentally overwhelmed at the thought of continued suffering. How much more can I endure? How much can my family endure? Why, why, why?

I'm not completely sure what God meant by that but I am sure that in His time he will reveal more to me . . . if I continue to listen. I don't know what life has in store for me but I'm tired of looking ahead and fearing the worst. It's time to stop looking ahead and start looking up and remember that God knows what my future holds and He will carry me through.

In the words of Alaida - "I don't know what my future holds but I know who holds my future".