Monday, March 10, 2008

March 10, 2008: For I Know The Plans I Have Made For You

I did it again. I tried to plan my day. You think I'd learn. Unfortunately God's plans and my plans today didn't mesh. I planned to get to chemo early, be done by noon, have time to run to Sams Club before I got the kids at the bus stop. I even had supper figured out. Silly me.

As Brian said in the earlier post, we waited two hours to even get our blood drawn. It was another hour before results and then we have to wait for my doctors office to call and give the green light. Then the pharmacy orders are sent over and we wait for the chemo to arrive. We were there for six hours to receive a chemo that only takes 1 1/2 hours max to run. Frustrating. I didn't get to Sams Club. I wasn't home in time for the bus stop. I was so tired when I got home I went right to bed and slept through supper. Brian fed the kids, took them all to piano lessons and then put them to bed. I'm sure that brought back memories for him.

Okay so I'm done whining now. All day long I tried to stay positive but it was hard. The waiting is hard. Plus, the CA125 level, well, not what I had planned. It went down to 45 (it was 52). And yes, I know it went down, but I think the next person to remind me that it went down I may have to punch.

Wait, I thought I was done whining! Okay, really done now. All in all, the day wasn't that bad. I had time to read my books and time to hang out with Brian. Not my favorite place to hang out but it seems Brian and I are passing ships these days so it was nice to have time with him.

I am almost always comforted by the verse "for I know the plans I have made for you". Some days I get whiny and think "why can't they be what I want too?". When I let go I remember that God's ways are higher than my ways and He knows better than me and He already knows these plans. I don't understand why chemo continues to be part of these plans but He does. I don't know why we had to spend the entire day at the clinic but He does. I don't know why I have to be so tired and have tingling in my hands and feet but He does.

So, I'm going to ask some very specific prayer requests.

For myself, I want to clear my mind. I want to stop the negative thinking and the wondering thinking (mental multi-tasking). I want my mind clear so I can hear God's voice. I want to continue to shine. It's so easy to get into a pity party (see above paragraphs!) and that is not what God expects or desires from me.

I want to make wise decisions as well. What if my CA125 number is at my "normal" now? What if I am receiving unnecessary chemo treatments? I can't stop the chemo because of the fear of the cancer returning and knowing I didn't do my best to get rid of it the first time around. But I am afraid of the damaging side effects that each additional round may cause.

I want to be closer to God. I want to be inseparable. I want to think of Him at all times. I want to know the plans He has for me. I want to hear them and be confident when I follow them.

For Brian, please pray for his energy levels. He is going in for another sleep study tomorrow night to see if his CPAP machine is doing what it is supposed to do. He sleeps at night with it with no problem but he is still very tired during the day. He eats good and works out and this is really becoming old for him. He just "wants to sleep like a normal person".

I know today was a long day for him and times like this remind him of the past year. Please pray for his emotional and physical health. He is so busy at work and coming home and doing extras are hard. Pray for patience and peace.

The kids are all doing well. I think my sleeping through supper and piano was probably hard for them. Our lives seem fairly normal now except on these chemo weeks.

I know these are a lot of requests. Don't feel like you need to cover them all. I know some people will want to because intercession is their spiritual gift. For others, maybe a few stand out to you. Wherever you feel led to pray and whatever you feel led to pray, please do. I don't want to limit God's blessings to what my mind is capable of. If we don't ask, we won't receive. So please, ask for God to shower down those blessings so we can in return shower them on to others.

Thank you!!!!