Saturday, April 17, 2010

Saturday, April 17, 2010: A Loss for Words

I've been staring at this blank screen for a half hour now. I've started to type but can't find the words. Three days ago cancer was in the back seat and we were celebrating Emily's birthday and welcoming Brian home. It was a good day.

Yesterday was a good day too but in a different way. It was a day of hearing things we didn't want to hear and seeing things we didn't want to see. It was a day that would have knocked anyone down to their knees. We are still standing though because we started our day on our knees.

My ct scan showed a couple of lymph nodes that are at the base of my kidneys and they are three times their normal size. The lump that he felt didn't actually show up on the scan. The silver lining here is that we have something to track now. I am going to be starting a new chemo in a week or so that is a daily pill. Right now the nurse is taking care of the insurance details. If I have chemo by infusion it is covered by our medical insurance. By taking this pill it is considered a prescription so insurance doesn't cover it. They are looking into what our prescription plan would cover and if there would be a cost for us. One round (which would be daily for three weeks) is $1000.

We are really hoping that there will not be a cost for us for the pill. If there is too large of a cost then I will go with the infusion route. The downside to this is that I will need to go in three days in a row. The side effects are the same with either way - my hair will fall out but not all of it, I may have nausea and my blood counts will take a hit. It attacks white counts, red counts and platelets so I will be closely monitored.

The rest of our day was spent at Trillium Woods Hospice Home visiting with Lori & Eric. This was a very difficult decision for them and it continues to be a huge adjustment. Please pray for them as they are taking things one step at a time. One of their biggest prayer requests is for communication between Eric and the staff - that they will understand him and how to take care of his needs.

I feel like I should be curled up in a ball sobbing right now. I actually haven't even shed a tear yet. I have a peace that I can't explain. I feel sadness, disappointment, and frustration. I have questions that I may never get an answer to ~ at least not in this world. All those feelings of fear, grief, and anxiety are spinning through my mind but there is a layer of peace that is wrapped around and is holding it together. It's holding me together. It's holding my family together.

I have been reading a lot about the Holy Spirit lately. That is something that has always been out of my grasp. I can talk about God and Jesus but the Holy Spirit has always been a mystery to me. The mystery has been solved though - not only am I reading about the Holy Spirit but I am full of the Holy Spirit. That is what is giving me strength, keeping me going, and providing my peace.

Although I hate the tragedies that have struck our family I love the closeness it has brought. It's made us real, it's made us think, and it's made us understand and see first hand that this life is just a breath. This is just the beginning and the best is yet to come.

I know the weeks and months to come will be hard. My doctor said that this chemo is not going to kill the cancer but keep it from growing further. He also said that we need to accept that it is not a matter of "if" the cancer will spread more but "when". I told him that I do accept that but that he needs to accept the fact that I believe in miracles. Only God knows what our future holds.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13