Friday, May 27, 2011

Friday, May 27, 2011: Fading and Bittersweet

Though the physical change in Kristi was less dramatic today, her level of consciousness is heartbreaking.  Remember that lit up face and great big heart warming smile I talked about's dimmed to little more than a slight flicker.  She still recognized me this morning, but it was a struggle for her to muster up even a very slight smile.  It broke my heart.  Sure, I know she is nearing the end, but nothing like reality kicking you right in the gut.  It literally took my breath away.  I felt alone and isolated.  "This is it" I thought to myself.  There's nothing I can do but watch. 

It's evening now and her parents left a while ago.  While they were here I went home to say good bye to the kids for the weekend (Kristi's sister is taking them).  After the kids and Lori left I just sat on the staircase for a while.  The silence was deafening.  As I walked around the house I saw Kristi in every room.  I just wandered around the house aimlessly...sobbing.  Kristi was such a big piece of my life puzzle.  She was the glue that held this family together.  I now will have to rely only on memories.  Fortunately, I have taken over 13,000 pictures since we've been married.  All of the photos pre-digital I have scanned and made into digital files.  Whenever you come over to our house you can always find at least one computer scrolling through the pictures (screen saver).  I love to watch them, but it does bring back a lot of memories. 

God will give us the strength to get through this, I have no doubt about that and Kristi will get her wish soon.  I am very excited for her on one hand, but can't help but be overwhelmingly sad on the other.  Bittersweet, that's what it is.