Though the physical change in Kristi was less dramatic today, her level of consciousness is heartbreaking. Remember that lit up face and great big heart warming smile I talked about yesterday...it's dimmed to little more than a slight flicker. She still recognized me this morning, but it was a struggle for her to muster up even a very slight smile. It broke my heart. Sure, I know she is nearing the end, but nothing like reality kicking you right in the gut. It literally took my breath away. I felt alone and isolated. "This is it" I thought to myself. There's nothing I can do but watch.
It's evening now and her parents left a while ago. While they were here I went home to say good bye to the kids for the weekend (Kristi's sister is taking them). After the kids and Lori left I just sat on the staircase for a while. The silence was deafening. As I walked around the house I saw Kristi in every room. I just wandered around the house aimlessly...sobbing. Kristi was such a big piece of my life puzzle. She was the glue that held this family together. I now will have to rely only on memories. Fortunately, I have taken over 13,000 pictures since we've been married. All of the photos pre-digital I have scanned and made into digital files. Whenever you come over to our house you can always find at least one computer scrolling through the pictures (screen saver). I love to watch them, but it does bring back a lot of memories.
God will give us the strength to get through this, I have no doubt about that and Kristi will get her wish soon. I am very excited for her on one hand, but can't help but be overwhelmingly sad on the other. Bittersweet, that's what it is.