The title of this update is not referring to the animal. It is a warning to duck because there is a major mood swing in progress over here and if you don't duck you may get hit.
I've noticed lately that when I update the blog and share the power of God working through me that I become a target. I may as well put a great big red bulls eye on my forehead because that is right where the enemy comes at me.
Was it really only a few hours ago that I had complete peace? Cuz I've lost it. Just like that. Lie after lie has been slung at my mind to the point that I don't even want to post positive updates anymore because this is so hard. I'm not giving up, I'm just tired. And I need prayers, lots of them.
Weeping may remain for a night but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010: The Bigger Picture
So many things going through my mind right now. God has been sharing so much with me. I quite often "hear" Him through songs or just a thought in my mind. Recently it has felt like the skies have opened up and He has a megaphone and is yelling "You. Yes you. I'm talking to you!" It is to the point that I am in awe. I am overwhelmed at what I feel He is calling me to do and also amazed at the crystal clear communication I am hearing from Him. It is so easy to say "yes, I believe in God" and think you mean it and then you have a mind boggling experience and realize that He is real. So very, very, very real! And He is talking to me!!!
I've talked to Brian recently about everything going through my mind and I know he is in awe as well. However, his reply one day really cracked me up. After sharing everything that I have been processing and talking nonstop for quite a while he was very quiet. Then he says "twenty seven thousand four hundred sixty three to three hundred twenty four". I said "huh"? He says "you've said twenty seven thousand four hundred sixty three words so far today and I've said three hundred and twenty four". I wasn't sure whether to hug him or slap him :)
Some day I will post all the conversations God and I have been having lately but right now they are a big mixed up bag of thoughts (with apparently too many words). Today I heard the song I Am by Ginny Owens on the radio (I've never heard this song before today). Even though what God has been telling me seems like it should be simple to understand and do I am still struggling and processing it all. The chorus of the song cleared everything up for me:
’Cause there's a bigger picture you can't see
You don't have to change the world, just trust in Me
'Cause I am your creator, I am working out my plan
And through you I will show them, I Am
Some days (okay, every day) life seems so hard and complicated but this it what it all boils down to. I Am. He is. I can't mess up because He is my creator and He is working out His plan. All I need to do is trust Him. And through me - little, tiny, messed up, insignicant, broken and human me - you will see Him. Yes, cancer sucks. It sucks big time. But because cancer has broken me - you can see Him even more clearly through me.
I'm sure many of you are wondering if we have results on my ct scan yet. I haven't heard anything yet (and doubt I will until at least Thursday or Friday). To be honest I haven't really given it a second thought. I could be a phone call away from hearing "the results showed that the cancer has spread" and I'm not the least bit worried (yes, I have my moments of fear, I'm human, but at this point in time right now I am not afraid). God has the bigger picture in sight and He's got my back. How awesome is He??
I've talked to Brian recently about everything going through my mind and I know he is in awe as well. However, his reply one day really cracked me up. After sharing everything that I have been processing and talking nonstop for quite a while he was very quiet. Then he says "twenty seven thousand four hundred sixty three to three hundred twenty four". I said "huh"? He says "you've said twenty seven thousand four hundred sixty three words so far today and I've said three hundred and twenty four". I wasn't sure whether to hug him or slap him :)
Some day I will post all the conversations God and I have been having lately but right now they are a big mixed up bag of thoughts (with apparently too many words). Today I heard the song I Am by Ginny Owens on the radio (I've never heard this song before today). Even though what God has been telling me seems like it should be simple to understand and do I am still struggling and processing it all. The chorus of the song cleared everything up for me:
’Cause there's a bigger picture you can't see
You don't have to change the world, just trust in Me
'Cause I am your creator, I am working out my plan
And through you I will show them, I Am
Some days (okay, every day) life seems so hard and complicated but this it what it all boils down to. I Am. He is. I can't mess up because He is my creator and He is working out His plan. All I need to do is trust Him. And through me - little, tiny, messed up, insignicant, broken and human me - you will see Him. Yes, cancer sucks. It sucks big time. But because cancer has broken me - you can see Him even more clearly through me.
I'm sure many of you are wondering if we have results on my ct scan yet. I haven't heard anything yet (and doubt I will until at least Thursday or Friday). To be honest I haven't really given it a second thought. I could be a phone call away from hearing "the results showed that the cancer has spread" and I'm not the least bit worried (yes, I have my moments of fear, I'm human, but at this point in time right now I am not afraid). God has the bigger picture in sight and He's got my back. How awesome is He??
Friday, October 8, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010: I Can Do All Things
I had a ct scan this morning. I remember the first time I had one. I was so freaked out by the huge machine. Now they are no big deal. I don't care for the "smoothie" that I have to drink the night before and the morning of (or the effect it has on my stomach) but again, no big deal. The needle that they have to poke into my arm for the iv contrast, well, can't say I'm a fan of that part.
My veins have really taken a beating over the past few years. I've had blood drawn a minimum of once a month for almost the last four years. The scar tissue has built up and when the needle hits it . . . . ouch. Although today wasn't a big deal, it was a big ouch.
The first poke was so painful that I jerked my arm which caused the needle to come back out. The second attempt (in my other arm) went in and was working (good blood flow out, saline was able to go in) but it hurt so bad I couldn't stand it so she had to take it out. Even after she took the needle out it still felt like it was in and well, it wasn't fun. They called in one of the nurses from urgent care and she was able to get a needle in without too much pain on the third try.
Typically during something like this I would be sweating and cold, nauseous and freaked out. Not today. Today during this entire experience I kept repeating this verse over and over in my mind.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Today's ct scan was just a routine scan. I didn't have any reason for it other than I was due for one. No big deal. It wasn't fun but I got through it because of the strength that Christ gave me. The results will be in sometime next week. For now, we wait. And no matter what the results show, I will be okay because ~ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
My veins have really taken a beating over the past few years. I've had blood drawn a minimum of once a month for almost the last four years. The scar tissue has built up and when the needle hits it . . . . ouch. Although today wasn't a big deal, it was a big ouch.
The first poke was so painful that I jerked my arm which caused the needle to come back out. The second attempt (in my other arm) went in and was working (good blood flow out, saline was able to go in) but it hurt so bad I couldn't stand it so she had to take it out. Even after she took the needle out it still felt like it was in and well, it wasn't fun. They called in one of the nurses from urgent care and she was able to get a needle in without too much pain on the third try.
Typically during something like this I would be sweating and cold, nauseous and freaked out. Not today. Today during this entire experience I kept repeating this verse over and over in my mind.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Today's ct scan was just a routine scan. I didn't have any reason for it other than I was due for one. No big deal. It wasn't fun but I got through it because of the strength that Christ gave me. The results will be in sometime next week. For now, we wait. And no matter what the results show, I will be okay because ~ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010: Sticky Boogers
These are my feelings right now. I’m processing what was said today. Just journaling to work things out. Dr. Downey didn’t find any new “lumps or bumps”, which was good. But he made some unusual comments that just stuck in our minds. I take longer than Kristi to process this stuff; it tends to stick with me longer.
He starts the appointment with a surprise. “So you want to take a break from the chemo? I think that’s a good idea. Let’s start it up after the holidays.” That kinda took us off guard; we were thinking a month, but OK. Of course, that was followed by “we want to keep you feeling good through the holidays. We don’t know how many you have left.” Then he moved along to something else. But that comment stuck. Stuck like a sticky booger. You know the kind. The kind you try to flick off your finger discreetly but just won’t come unstuck. That’s what it was like. A big fat sticky booger of a comment.
At the end of the appointment, he leaves us with “you may want to make some videos of Kristi talking to the kids. So they have something to remember her by when they get older.” Ouch. Not what I wanted to hear today doc. Was feeling pretty good. Yup. Now, I’ve got 2 big fat sticky boogers stuck to my finger. I’m shaking and shaking and they won’t let go.
It’s just heavy on my mind right now. Searching for a Kleenex to wipe these boogers on.
Like Kristi says…it’s satan working through Dr. Downey to bring us down. Kinda ironic as the doctor’s name is Dr. Gordon O. Downey. Gordon O. Downey. How perfect for satan to work through him.
"All Your promises won't let go of me"
But these boogers will soon dry up and fall off.
God, thank you. Thank you for your unconditional, no strings attached love. A love that can only be given by You. A love that so many people brush off, or take for granted. When things are going well it's so easy to take You for granted. Please forgive us for that complacency. Lord, You never promised us an easy, pain-free life. We brought pain and suffering on ourselves. Please, Lord, help us remember that. Help us get through these next few days as we/I process these emotions. Help us to not get angry, frustrated or resentful. It's so easy to fall into that trap. Forgive us as we fell into that trap again today. Thank you for being the one consistent Lifeline that we can always count on.
Thank you God.
Amen.
He starts the appointment with a surprise. “So you want to take a break from the chemo? I think that’s a good idea. Let’s start it up after the holidays.” That kinda took us off guard; we were thinking a month, but OK. Of course, that was followed by “we want to keep you feeling good through the holidays. We don’t know how many you have left.” Then he moved along to something else. But that comment stuck. Stuck like a sticky booger. You know the kind. The kind you try to flick off your finger discreetly but just won’t come unstuck. That’s what it was like. A big fat sticky booger of a comment.
At the end of the appointment, he leaves us with “you may want to make some videos of Kristi talking to the kids. So they have something to remember her by when they get older.” Ouch. Not what I wanted to hear today doc. Was feeling pretty good. Yup. Now, I’ve got 2 big fat sticky boogers stuck to my finger. I’m shaking and shaking and they won’t let go.
It’s just heavy on my mind right now. Searching for a Kleenex to wipe these boogers on.
Like Kristi says…it’s satan working through Dr. Downey to bring us down. Kinda ironic as the doctor’s name is Dr. Gordon O. Downey. Gordon O. Downey. How perfect for satan to work through him.
"All Your promises won't let go of me"
But these boogers will soon dry up and fall off.
God, thank you. Thank you for your unconditional, no strings attached love. A love that can only be given by You. A love that so many people brush off, or take for granted. When things are going well it's so easy to take You for granted. Please forgive us for that complacency. Lord, You never promised us an easy, pain-free life. We brought pain and suffering on ourselves. Please, Lord, help us remember that. Help us get through these next few days as we/I process these emotions. Help us to not get angry, frustrated or resentful. It's so easy to fall into that trap. Forgive us as we fell into that trap again today. Thank you for being the one consistent Lifeline that we can always count on.
Thank you God.
Amen.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010: Praise Is Rising!
I woke up this morning with a song in my head. It is pretty common for me to have a song running through my head but I don't know if I have ever had a song in my head the second I woke up. I am not a morning person so there isn't typically anything going through my head when I wake up! But today . . . these are the words I heard the second I opened my eyes.
Praise is rising ~ eyes are turning to you ~ we turn to you.
Hope is stirring ~ hearts are yearning for you ~ we long for you.
When we see you we find strength to face the day.
In your presence all our fears are washed away ~ washed away.
Hosanna, hosanna ~You are the God who saves us, worthy of all our praises.
(Praise Is Rising by Paul Baloche)
I came downstairs and heard Ashley in the kitchen singing . . . . yup, the exact same song! Coincidence? I don't think so! I have been praying that I will praise Him no matter what and I have had an unexplainable peace about this. I just got off the phone with my nurse and my CA125 dropped from 422 to 366! I'm sure my doctor will have a "rational" explanation for this drop despite the fact that I'm not on chemo. We have an appointment tomorrow morning at 9:15 for a physical exam and also talk about where we go from here.
I will continue to trust Him and praise Him no matter what . . . but, can I just say that it is soooooooo awesome to get good news like this! We will update tomorrow afternoon - in the meantime, here is a link to the beautiful song that I started my day with.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BZoDH2H1Ls&feature=related
Praise is rising ~ eyes are turning to you ~ we turn to you.
Hope is stirring ~ hearts are yearning for you ~ we long for you.
When we see you we find strength to face the day.
In your presence all our fears are washed away ~ washed away.
Hosanna, hosanna ~You are the God who saves us, worthy of all our praises.
(Praise Is Rising by Paul Baloche)
I came downstairs and heard Ashley in the kitchen singing . . . . yup, the exact same song! Coincidence? I don't think so! I have been praying that I will praise Him no matter what and I have had an unexplainable peace about this. I just got off the phone with my nurse and my CA125 dropped from 422 to 366! I'm sure my doctor will have a "rational" explanation for this drop despite the fact that I'm not on chemo. We have an appointment tomorrow morning at 9:15 for a physical exam and also talk about where we go from here.
I will continue to trust Him and praise Him no matter what . . . but, can I just say that it is soooooooo awesome to get good news like this! We will update tomorrow afternoon - in the meantime, here is a link to the beautiful song that I started my day with.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BZoDH2H1Ls&feature=related
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010: Can You Hear It?
Have you ever heard the voice of fear? Sometimes this voice sneaks up on me. I can be in the middle of a typical day and then all the sudden - WHAM - out of nowhere comes this ugly fear that grabs hold of the carpet underneath me and pulls it out. The next thing I remember is being flat on my back having no idea what just hit me.
Sometimes the voice is sneakier. I hear a faint complaint "don't forget about that lump in your neck". I try to ignore it but it gets louder "I think it's getting bigger". I hear things like "you should really get that checked out" and "it's not looking good". And then the voice's favorite grand finale "the cancer is spreading!". Before I know it I have worked myself into a panic thinking that the cancer has spread from my head to my toes.
This time the voice tried something different. It wasn't loud and it didn't come on quickly. It was a slow and steady rhythm like the sound of a leaky faucet - drip, drip , drip. It was stuck in my head and wouldn't stop. It just kept going on and on ~ drip, drip, drip. You have cancer. You have cancer. You have cancer. You have cancer. You have cancer.
This has been going on for a couple days now. I can't get my mind off of cancer. I try to focus on other things but it is still there quietly nagging at the back of my mind. You would think after almost four years of dealing with this I would be used to it. I don't think I will ever get used to it. It feels like a bad dream that I can't wake up from.
The voice never got louder but it never let up. It was lulling me into a dark, lonely place of sadness. At the core of this darkness though there was a small ray of light that refused to go away. There were times that I thought that little glimmer of hope was going to be snuffed out by the constant drips of lies that the voice kept repeating.
I convinced myself that I needed to read the bible (despite the voice telling me not to) and I noticed the dripping started to slow down. I put Christian music on and it was like an umbrella had opened and was covering me from the constant attack. I can still hear the "thud" as the drops hit umbrella but this barrier has helped me put things back into perspective. I can see now that the ray of light wasn't getting smaller - it only appeared to because my eyes were so focused on the dark drops of rain falling all around me.
Good-bye (and good riddance!) voice of fear. I'm listening to the Voice of Truth now.
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth
(Chorus from Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns)
Sometimes the voice is sneakier. I hear a faint complaint "don't forget about that lump in your neck". I try to ignore it but it gets louder "I think it's getting bigger". I hear things like "you should really get that checked out" and "it's not looking good". And then the voice's favorite grand finale "the cancer is spreading!". Before I know it I have worked myself into a panic thinking that the cancer has spread from my head to my toes.
This time the voice tried something different. It wasn't loud and it didn't come on quickly. It was a slow and steady rhythm like the sound of a leaky faucet - drip, drip , drip. It was stuck in my head and wouldn't stop. It just kept going on and on ~ drip, drip, drip. You have cancer. You have cancer. You have cancer. You have cancer. You have cancer.
This has been going on for a couple days now. I can't get my mind off of cancer. I try to focus on other things but it is still there quietly nagging at the back of my mind. You would think after almost four years of dealing with this I would be used to it. I don't think I will ever get used to it. It feels like a bad dream that I can't wake up from.
The voice never got louder but it never let up. It was lulling me into a dark, lonely place of sadness. At the core of this darkness though there was a small ray of light that refused to go away. There were times that I thought that little glimmer of hope was going to be snuffed out by the constant drips of lies that the voice kept repeating.
I convinced myself that I needed to read the bible (despite the voice telling me not to) and I noticed the dripping started to slow down. I put Christian music on and it was like an umbrella had opened and was covering me from the constant attack. I can still hear the "thud" as the drops hit umbrella but this barrier has helped me put things back into perspective. I can see now that the ray of light wasn't getting smaller - it only appeared to because my eyes were so focused on the dark drops of rain falling all around me.
Good-bye (and good riddance!) voice of fear. I'm listening to the Voice of Truth now.
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth
(Chorus from Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns)
Monday, September 27, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010: This Little Light of Mine ~ I'm Gonna Let it Shine
For quite a while now I have been feeling distant from God. My prayers had become more focused on me - why do I still have cancer, why won't it go away, please make it go away, I can't take it anymore! I'm not sure when it happened but my prayer life has taken a turn. I find myself praying more and more about seeing the world through God's eyes and less about cancer.
I have also been feeling for a while now that God is up to something. Something big and something good. The song Wait & See by Brandon Heath sums up exactly what I'm feeling.
Still wonderin' why I'm here.
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh... HE's up to something,
And the farther out I go,
I've seen enough to know
That I'm not here for nothin'...
He's up to somethin'.
There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans HE's made for me
I have to wait and see,
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet.
Yesterday before my feet even hit the floor I prayed again that I would have His eyes. As I was about to walk into church I saw groups of people standing around and I had the thought "do they realize that they just spent time being filled up with God's word? Do they know how lucky we are to be able to worship together? Will they take what they learned during the sermon and apply it to their lives or was it left at the door thinking 'okay, I've done the Christian thing for the week'? When I say "they" I am also including myself. I've asked these questions about myself and I didn't like what I heard. I had fallen into the "get up, go to church because it is the right thing to do, go home and start thinking about the week ahead"
As I walked into church I was overwhelmed with the noise. There were people everywhere! Brian was already in there because he had attended a Sunday School class at the early service. As I was trying to figure out how to get the kids and I through this mass of people I saw one of Brian's friends. Jokingly I said "hey, you want to cut us a path through this?" He said "let's go" and we walked right through that wall of people.
If I had been the one leading us through it would have taken us forever! I become overwhelmed quickly in loud, busy social settings. Walking through the chaos typically makes me feel like a tiny ant trying desperately to crawl to the top of the pile. As I focused my attention on our 'fearless leader' though the noise fell away and I simply moved forward one step at a time and before I knew it we were through.
At the time I was thinking how cool it was that we made it through so quickly. This morning though I can see how that experience compares to every day life. There is chaos all around us and if we stop and focus on it then we will get bogged down, overwhelmed and stuck. If we keep our eyes up and focused on God then He will keep a clear path and guide us where we need to go.
By the end of church I had an ache in my neck (the area that was treated with radiation) and the pain had moved down my arm and up into my neck. The top of my hand and my cheek were both tingly. Of course my instant reaction to anything "off" is that it's the cancer spreading. I left church right after the service ended, went home and went to bed. Before I went to bed though I looked at email (yes, I have an obsession problem with email). There was an email from Dayspring Blessings which I typically just delete because it is always just a very short devotion with a link to their website. I had my cursor on the delete button when I heard "read it first". This is what it said:
In Case You Ever Wonder...
Hello, you-
the one with that dream in your heart,
that idea on your mind,
that desire that just won't go away.
You wonder...can I do this?
You can do all things. (Philippians. 4:13)
You ask...do I have what it takes?
You've got all you need. (2 Peter 1:3)
You question...is who I am okay?
You're more than okay, you're His. (Psalm 139:14)
So go for it.
Dare to make that difference, take that step, follow that dream. God will go with you, and love will see you through.
I had to sit down after reading that. I thought "who wrote this and how do they know that I have had a dream in my heart, a desire that won't go away, and questions about being good enough"? It was like God hitting me over the head with a 2x4 (okay so He wouldn't really do that but you know what I mean).
I went to bed with that email in my head. If I hadn't read the email I would have probably have gone to bed, let my mind go to the worst case scenario of what was causing my neck pain and fallen into a deep, dark, lonely pit.
Instead, I went to bed thinking about the email. I've been hearing God call me for a long time now to do something but I just couldn't figure out what it was. I'm still not quite sure but I know it has to do with my story - my journey through cancer with God and the person I've become as a result of it.
The more often that I pray to have His eyes and His ears I am noticing that I see things in a whole different perspective and hear His voice more often. Although this is very cool it is also scary. I get really uncomfortable when I feel Him nudging me talk to someone about something I heard Him say.
I've had friends do that to me before and I am always amazed at what they shared (and the courage it took to share it) that I want to say "keep in touch and let me know if He tells you anything else"! But being on the other end of this conversation is hard. I'm afraid they will look at me like I'm crazy or get mad at me. I really, really, really (did I mention really) hate conflict and will try to avoid it at any cost. I am quite comfortable in my safe little bubble world!
Quite a few years ago (maybe 5 or 6?) I was going through a lot of depression and anxiety that I didn't understand. I began writing poems and wrote a lot of them. This is one of the last ones I wrote:
God told me to write a book, but He didn’t use those words.
He simply put it on my heart - there’s a message to be heard.
I’m not quite sure what the message is or who it’s intended for,
but I know that in due time He’ll open up that door.
I think that door has been opened. Not only do I want to write (or speak) about living with cancer but I also want to share how this has changed my relationship with God. I was your basic "grew up in a Christian home, went to college, got married, had kids, made good choices" type of Christian. After being diagnosed with cancer I realized that I had so much more to learn about what being a Christian meant. It's not just about going to church. When people start talking about statistics and putting you into one of the categories (and not the ones you want to be in!) it really puts life into perspective. All the silly little things just don't matter any more.
I've grown a lot over the past few years - both Brian and I have. He also has the basic "grew up in a Christian home, college, married, kids, do the right thing" kind of story. Cancer has changed both of our individual relationships with God and our prayer lives. Choosing to be in the spotlight and put it all out there with the blog can be overwhelming at times. There are days (lots of them) where I really wish that nobody knew me or that I had cancer. I don't want their first thought to be "oh, there's that poor girl with cancer". That's what I've been feeling for a while now but I realizing that I can change that. I can be the "hey, there is that girl that has an amazing story to tell about how God has changed her life" and "wow, I'd better put my sun glasses on because God's light is just beaming through her!"
I think maybe the cancer is still here because God's light will shine so much brighter if I am broken. I still would love the cancer to just disappear but if this is how God is choosing to use me then my prayers will be for the strength and patience to endure, wisdom to make the right medical decisions and that He would use our story in a mighty way to bring many to know Him and also to bring those that already know Him even closer.
A few weeks after being diagnosed I wrote this in an update and I meant every word of it ~
God is working through me and through all of you and together we are going to turn many more sheep into God’s pasture! Isn’t that amazing! What an honor! First, I know some of you may have been online or researching ovarian cancer. The numbers are not good. However, I do not believe in these numbers, I believe in God. I am not in denial, I just am choosing to believe that God has a plan for me and that plan involves surviving this cancer and becoming His light for many, many years to come. Should this not be the plan, I will cross that bridge when it comes my way. For right now I am praying boldly that this is God’s plan for me and I would like you to do the same. Do not dwell on numbers because it becomes overwhelming! Dwell only on God!!! Together with all of us (and we are a mighty team!) praying boldly we will all win this battle and it is going to change all of us. I have seen amazing changes in many people close to me and have heard of many others. God is working through me and through all of you and together we are going to turn many more sheep into God’s pasture! Isn’t that amazing! What an honor! I know together we can do it. Please hold everyone up in prayer and encourage them. I have never really been a very "open" person before but I am changing. It is so important to encourage one another as the bible says. Let God’s light beam through all of us and just imagine how bright this world will be!!!!
I am finally feeling that energy and passion again! To be honest, when I read stuff like that post I think -wow, they need to cut back on the sugar! My judgemental side kicks in and thinks they are just saying all that for attention. I wrote this though I know that it wasn't for attention (I'd much prefer to be a wallflower)! I remember feeling that passionate at the time I wrote it. I've had many times throughout the years where I'd read that again and think "okay, I know I was sincere when I wrote that but right now that peppiness is really annoying"!
I've been praying for that passion to return for so long that I didn't think it would ever come back. It would come back a little but then Satan would get his jabs in and I'd give up and listen to his lies. I know that he is trembling right now and I also know that I have a big red bulls eye on my forehead that he is going to start aiming at with everything he's got. And he's going to use his same old tricks which thankfully I am catching onto.
Well, this is officially the longest post I have ever written! So much more is going through my head but I've quite possibly lost many readers before they even made it halfway through this post. So, I will end with the words of a song that I just can't (and don't want to) get out of my head. It's Set the World on Fire by Britt Nicole.
I wanna set the world on fire
Until it's burning bright for You
It's everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?
I am small but you are big enough
I am weak but you are strong enough to
Take my dreams come and give them wings
Lord with You there's nothing I can not do,
Nothing I can not do.
I have also been feeling for a while now that God is up to something. Something big and something good. The song Wait & See by Brandon Heath sums up exactly what I'm feeling.
Still wonderin' why I'm here.
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh... HE's up to something,
And the farther out I go,
I've seen enough to know
That I'm not here for nothin'...
He's up to somethin'.
There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans HE's made for me
I have to wait and see,
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet.
Yesterday before my feet even hit the floor I prayed again that I would have His eyes. As I was about to walk into church I saw groups of people standing around and I had the thought "do they realize that they just spent time being filled up with God's word? Do they know how lucky we are to be able to worship together? Will they take what they learned during the sermon and apply it to their lives or was it left at the door thinking 'okay, I've done the Christian thing for the week'? When I say "they" I am also including myself. I've asked these questions about myself and I didn't like what I heard. I had fallen into the "get up, go to church because it is the right thing to do, go home and start thinking about the week ahead"
As I walked into church I was overwhelmed with the noise. There were people everywhere! Brian was already in there because he had attended a Sunday School class at the early service. As I was trying to figure out how to get the kids and I through this mass of people I saw one of Brian's friends. Jokingly I said "hey, you want to cut us a path through this?" He said "let's go" and we walked right through that wall of people.
If I had been the one leading us through it would have taken us forever! I become overwhelmed quickly in loud, busy social settings. Walking through the chaos typically makes me feel like a tiny ant trying desperately to crawl to the top of the pile. As I focused my attention on our 'fearless leader' though the noise fell away and I simply moved forward one step at a time and before I knew it we were through.
At the time I was thinking how cool it was that we made it through so quickly. This morning though I can see how that experience compares to every day life. There is chaos all around us and if we stop and focus on it then we will get bogged down, overwhelmed and stuck. If we keep our eyes up and focused on God then He will keep a clear path and guide us where we need to go.
By the end of church I had an ache in my neck (the area that was treated with radiation) and the pain had moved down my arm and up into my neck. The top of my hand and my cheek were both tingly. Of course my instant reaction to anything "off" is that it's the cancer spreading. I left church right after the service ended, went home and went to bed. Before I went to bed though I looked at email (yes, I have an obsession problem with email). There was an email from Dayspring Blessings which I typically just delete because it is always just a very short devotion with a link to their website. I had my cursor on the delete button when I heard "read it first". This is what it said:
In Case You Ever Wonder...
Hello, you-
the one with that dream in your heart,
that idea on your mind,
that desire that just won't go away.
You wonder...can I do this?
You can do all things. (Philippians. 4:13)
You ask...do I have what it takes?
You've got all you need. (2 Peter 1:3)
You question...is who I am okay?
You're more than okay, you're His. (Psalm 139:14)
So go for it.
Dare to make that difference, take that step, follow that dream. God will go with you, and love will see you through.
I had to sit down after reading that. I thought "who wrote this and how do they know that I have had a dream in my heart, a desire that won't go away, and questions about being good enough"? It was like God hitting me over the head with a 2x4 (okay so He wouldn't really do that but you know what I mean).
I went to bed with that email in my head. If I hadn't read the email I would have probably have gone to bed, let my mind go to the worst case scenario of what was causing my neck pain and fallen into a deep, dark, lonely pit.
Instead, I went to bed thinking about the email. I've been hearing God call me for a long time now to do something but I just couldn't figure out what it was. I'm still not quite sure but I know it has to do with my story - my journey through cancer with God and the person I've become as a result of it.
The more often that I pray to have His eyes and His ears I am noticing that I see things in a whole different perspective and hear His voice more often. Although this is very cool it is also scary. I get really uncomfortable when I feel Him nudging me talk to someone about something I heard Him say.
I've had friends do that to me before and I am always amazed at what they shared (and the courage it took to share it) that I want to say "keep in touch and let me know if He tells you anything else"! But being on the other end of this conversation is hard. I'm afraid they will look at me like I'm crazy or get mad at me. I really, really, really (did I mention really) hate conflict and will try to avoid it at any cost. I am quite comfortable in my safe little bubble world!
Quite a few years ago (maybe 5 or 6?) I was going through a lot of depression and anxiety that I didn't understand. I began writing poems and wrote a lot of them. This is one of the last ones I wrote:
God told me to write a book, but He didn’t use those words.
He simply put it on my heart - there’s a message to be heard.
I’m not quite sure what the message is or who it’s intended for,
but I know that in due time He’ll open up that door.
I think that door has been opened. Not only do I want to write (or speak) about living with cancer but I also want to share how this has changed my relationship with God. I was your basic "grew up in a Christian home, went to college, got married, had kids, made good choices" type of Christian. After being diagnosed with cancer I realized that I had so much more to learn about what being a Christian meant. It's not just about going to church. When people start talking about statistics and putting you into one of the categories (and not the ones you want to be in!) it really puts life into perspective. All the silly little things just don't matter any more.
I've grown a lot over the past few years - both Brian and I have. He also has the basic "grew up in a Christian home, college, married, kids, do the right thing" kind of story. Cancer has changed both of our individual relationships with God and our prayer lives. Choosing to be in the spotlight and put it all out there with the blog can be overwhelming at times. There are days (lots of them) where I really wish that nobody knew me or that I had cancer. I don't want their first thought to be "oh, there's that poor girl with cancer". That's what I've been feeling for a while now but I realizing that I can change that. I can be the "hey, there is that girl that has an amazing story to tell about how God has changed her life" and "wow, I'd better put my sun glasses on because God's light is just beaming through her!"
I think maybe the cancer is still here because God's light will shine so much brighter if I am broken. I still would love the cancer to just disappear but if this is how God is choosing to use me then my prayers will be for the strength and patience to endure, wisdom to make the right medical decisions and that He would use our story in a mighty way to bring many to know Him and also to bring those that already know Him even closer.
A few weeks after being diagnosed I wrote this in an update and I meant every word of it ~
God is working through me and through all of you and together we are going to turn many more sheep into God’s pasture! Isn’t that amazing! What an honor! First, I know some of you may have been online or researching ovarian cancer. The numbers are not good. However, I do not believe in these numbers, I believe in God. I am not in denial, I just am choosing to believe that God has a plan for me and that plan involves surviving this cancer and becoming His light for many, many years to come. Should this not be the plan, I will cross that bridge when it comes my way. For right now I am praying boldly that this is God’s plan for me and I would like you to do the same. Do not dwell on numbers because it becomes overwhelming! Dwell only on God!!! Together with all of us (and we are a mighty team!) praying boldly we will all win this battle and it is going to change all of us. I have seen amazing changes in many people close to me and have heard of many others. God is working through me and through all of you and together we are going to turn many more sheep into God’s pasture! Isn’t that amazing! What an honor! I know together we can do it. Please hold everyone up in prayer and encourage them. I have never really been a very "open" person before but I am changing. It is so important to encourage one another as the bible says. Let God’s light beam through all of us and just imagine how bright this world will be!!!!
I am finally feeling that energy and passion again! To be honest, when I read stuff like that post I think -wow, they need to cut back on the sugar! My judgemental side kicks in and thinks they are just saying all that for attention. I wrote this though I know that it wasn't for attention (I'd much prefer to be a wallflower)! I remember feeling that passionate at the time I wrote it. I've had many times throughout the years where I'd read that again and think "okay, I know I was sincere when I wrote that but right now that peppiness is really annoying"!
I've been praying for that passion to return for so long that I didn't think it would ever come back. It would come back a little but then Satan would get his jabs in and I'd give up and listen to his lies. I know that he is trembling right now and I also know that I have a big red bulls eye on my forehead that he is going to start aiming at with everything he's got. And he's going to use his same old tricks which thankfully I am catching onto.
Well, this is officially the longest post I have ever written! So much more is going through my head but I've quite possibly lost many readers before they even made it halfway through this post. So, I will end with the words of a song that I just can't (and don't want to) get out of my head. It's Set the World on Fire by Britt Nicole.
I wanna set the world on fire
Until it's burning bright for You
It's everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?
I am small but you are big enough
I am weak but you are strong enough to
Take my dreams come and give them wings
Lord with You there's nothing I can not do,
Nothing I can not do.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010: No Matter What
I've been experimenting with the chemo pill over the past couple of weeks trying to find a routine that I could physically tolerate. The original plan was 3 weeks on ~ one week off. I was only able to handle that for maybe three months or so. At my last appointment we decided to try two weeks on and two weeks off. I took the first pill that night and was miserable already the next morning with nausea and fatigue.
I've tried every combination I can think of - two nights on, one night off ~ one night on, two nights off ~ one night on, one night off. The only thing that was consistent with all of this was the fact that this pill makes me sick.
I've been talking with God about this for the past few months. I have stopped treatment before when I felt God was telling me to and I don't regret any of the times I did. I've been feeling like God has been telling me to stop chemo again recently but it's a bit different this time.
I was struggling with the thought of stopping chemo a bit more this time because as much as I trust God, well, let's just say statistics can get the better of me. Medically speaking there are not a lot of options out there for me anymore. Last week I found myself saying "okay God, I'll stop the chemo now because I believe that you can heal me" and I heard "that's not what I'm saying". That threw me for a loop. Then I heard "I want you to trust me - no matter what". Gulp.
Obviously my first choice would be that after stopping chemo my cancer would "mysteriously" disappear because well, that would just simply be awesome. I don't get to choose how this will all play out but I do have a choice right now ~ I can choose to listen to God and obey Him - no matter what.
This in no way means that I am giving up. I am choosing to listen to God right now and do what He is telling me right now which means ~ bye bye chemo! (Yup, doing a happy dance right now!). I actually stopped chemo a few days ago and I am feeling much better. I am stronger and so much less fatigued.
Throughout the past few days though satan has been on the prowl. He's been hurling lie after lie at me and I've bought into them. Yesterday a light crept into the darkness and pulled me out. All his lies were exposed again and this time I let him have it ~ I drop kicked his sorry butt right back where it belongs! Okay so honestly this entire exchange happened in my head but it was powerful. Some day I will break out of my shell and literally scream at him but for now this seems to be working for me because I felt the darkness break up and leave. I'm sure this means he's regrouping now and going to come back at me even harder to which I have three words for . . . . "bring it on".
I've tried every combination I can think of - two nights on, one night off ~ one night on, two nights off ~ one night on, one night off. The only thing that was consistent with all of this was the fact that this pill makes me sick.
I've been talking with God about this for the past few months. I have stopped treatment before when I felt God was telling me to and I don't regret any of the times I did. I've been feeling like God has been telling me to stop chemo again recently but it's a bit different this time.
I was struggling with the thought of stopping chemo a bit more this time because as much as I trust God, well, let's just say statistics can get the better of me. Medically speaking there are not a lot of options out there for me anymore. Last week I found myself saying "okay God, I'll stop the chemo now because I believe that you can heal me" and I heard "that's not what I'm saying". That threw me for a loop. Then I heard "I want you to trust me - no matter what". Gulp.
Obviously my first choice would be that after stopping chemo my cancer would "mysteriously" disappear because well, that would just simply be awesome. I don't get to choose how this will all play out but I do have a choice right now ~ I can choose to listen to God and obey Him - no matter what.
This in no way means that I am giving up. I am choosing to listen to God right now and do what He is telling me right now which means ~ bye bye chemo! (Yup, doing a happy dance right now!). I actually stopped chemo a few days ago and I am feeling much better. I am stronger and so much less fatigued.
Throughout the past few days though satan has been on the prowl. He's been hurling lie after lie at me and I've bought into them. Yesterday a light crept into the darkness and pulled me out. All his lies were exposed again and this time I let him have it ~ I drop kicked his sorry butt right back where it belongs! Okay so honestly this entire exchange happened in my head but it was powerful. Some day I will break out of my shell and literally scream at him but for now this seems to be working for me because I felt the darkness break up and leave. I'm sure this means he's regrouping now and going to come back at me even harder to which I have three words for . . . . "bring it on".
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010: We Are Family
Today was an odd day but a good day. Come join me as I revisit a day in the life of the Rogalske family . . . .
We are not morning people but despite the odds we were all able to get up and out of bed. Sunday School officially started today so my wonderful loving husband took Ashley & Nathan to the early service. He even went to an adult Sunday school class that began today.
Thanks to my awesome husband Emily and I were able to sleep in a bit longer - too long actually so we scurried to get ready and out the door in time for the second service. We made it in time but because they were implementing a new secure check-in and it was the first day of Sunday school things were just a bit too chaotic for Emily so we checked out (securely!) and headed back downstairs.
At this point church had already started and they were in the middle of baptism. We decided to stay out in the narthex so we pulled out some chairs (the cool tall kind where we could dangle our feet!) and watched the service on the tv monitors. After a while, Ashley came out to check on us and since her poison ivy was bothering her she decided to stay with us. It was a great service and I'm glad I got to sit and listen to it with my girls.
After church we headed home to have some lunch together. You know, the meat and potatoes kind of meal that warms your soul. Oops, wait, that wasn't us. Actually, Brian and I had Lucky Charms cereal, Nathan and Emily had ham & turkey sandwiches and Ashley had a granola bar. Yum. The kind of meal that makes a mama proud!
Brian took the kids' pictures after lunch. Thanks to the digital age Brian has been taking the kids' school pictures for a few years now. We usually do the traditional background. Last year he took their pictures outside and this year he used a green screen and let the kids pick out their own background.
This afternoon we chilled out in the living room. Brian at the computer working his magic with the pictures ~ me on the couch resting as usual ~ Ashley on her laptop ~ Nathan right next to her (doing his best to drive her bonkers) and let's not forget Emily ~ sound asleep on the floor ~ making snorting noises!! It just doesn't get any better than this.
We had a great family supper together (yes, it was healthier than lunch). I ended the day by going out for hot chocolate with Ashley (my teenager asked me if I would go out with her for hot cocoa - woohoo!!!!!). It was a good day.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010: Stupid, stupid, stupid
Stupid cold. Stupid chemo pill that lowers my immunity so that I catch colds easily and take forever to get rid of them. Stupid cancer that is the reason I take the stupid chemo pill that lowered my resistance and caused me to catch the stupid cold to begin with! Stupid, stupid, stupid!!
Translation: I have a cold. I feel awful. Cancer is stupid.
Note from the publisher: Stupid is not a nice word and should not be used unless it is combined with the word cancer in which case it is completely appropriate.
Translation: I have a cold. I feel awful. Cancer is stupid.
Note from the publisher: Stupid is not a nice word and should not be used unless it is combined with the word cancer in which case it is completely appropriate.
Friday, September 10, 2010
I Need A Home
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010: Steady Eddie
Kristi's appointment with Dr. Downey was uneventful this morning. Her CA125 dropped slightly to 422. No much, but in the right direction! Tonight she will begin her 5th round of her latest chemotherapy. She is going to go 2 weeks then evaluate. If she can handle a 3rd week then she'll go for it. If not, she'll take 2 weeks off. This is the plan Dr. Downey agreed to.
That's all for now.
That's all for now.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010: Just The Facts
We have an appointment with Dr. Downey on Wednesday morning.
I went in last Friday and had blood work done (including the CA125).
We will get the results at that appointment.
I've felt a little better every day the past week.
It's late, it's a school night and I'm tired.
Will update again after Wednesdays appointment.
:)
I went in last Friday and had blood work done (including the CA125).
We will get the results at that appointment.
I've felt a little better every day the past week.
It's late, it's a school night and I'm tired.
Will update again after Wednesdays appointment.
:)
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010: Update
I just wanted to give an update on Kristi. She has stopped taking her chemo pill for now. She spoke with her nurse yesterday and since we already have an appointment next week her nurse agreed that was the right thing to do. So physically she is feeling a little bit better each day. She still gets fatigued very easily and has to take breaks often. She over did herself today and when I came home from work she was crashed in bed.
Emotionally, she is also a little better but she still has several aches and pains and rashes all over that are concerning. Her nurse said that none of the symptoms Kristi described are common with this chemo. So that of course gets her mind going. Saturday (or Sunday - all the days blend together these days) we had a brief breakdown. Basically, we talked about how much reality sucks. Cancer sucks. Have I ever said that before? After nearly 4 years we have become excellent liars. When people ask "how are you?" we can reply "OK" or "good" in a pretty convincing way. I have to admit, Kristi is way better than me. I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeves, Kristi is the quiet one. You have to watch those quiet ones. Reality is we're not really OK. We're anything but OK. But what are we supposed to do? If we just dwelled in self pitty the days would be miserable. So we try to make each day better than the last. We know we only dwell in these temporary shells for a limited amount of time so we're thankful for every additional day we're here. That sure is easy to type. Now walking the talk is the tough part.
On a lighter note, the kids had their first day of school yesterday. We now officially have a middle schooler. Where did the years go?!
A couple weeks ago I went on my annual "man trip". This year we went to the Algonquin Provincial Park in Ontario. We spent a week canoeing, hiking, more canoeing, well, mainly canoeing. We did of course find a nice 33' cliff that needed to be jumped from. I took a couple pictures during the week. This is one of my favorites. The loons were incredible!
Emotionally, she is also a little better but she still has several aches and pains and rashes all over that are concerning. Her nurse said that none of the symptoms Kristi described are common with this chemo. So that of course gets her mind going. Saturday (or Sunday - all the days blend together these days) we had a brief breakdown. Basically, we talked about how much reality sucks. Cancer sucks. Have I ever said that before? After nearly 4 years we have become excellent liars. When people ask "how are you?" we can reply "OK" or "good" in a pretty convincing way. I have to admit, Kristi is way better than me. I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeves, Kristi is the quiet one. You have to watch those quiet ones. Reality is we're not really OK. We're anything but OK. But what are we supposed to do? If we just dwelled in self pitty the days would be miserable. So we try to make each day better than the last. We know we only dwell in these temporary shells for a limited amount of time so we're thankful for every additional day we're here. That sure is easy to type. Now walking the talk is the tough part.
On a lighter note, the kids had their first day of school yesterday. We now officially have a middle schooler. Where did the years go?!
A couple weeks ago I went on my annual "man trip". This year we went to the Algonquin Provincial Park in Ontario. We spent a week canoeing, hiking, more canoeing, well, mainly canoeing. We did of course find a nice 33' cliff that needed to be jumped from. I took a couple pictures during the week. This is one of my favorites. The loons were incredible!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010: One Week of Being Weak
It's been one week now. I'm still tired and weak. I have very little energy, occasional bouts of nausea and I'm achy. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am going to call my oncologist tomorrow morning and ask to have blood work and a ct scan done.
On a more positive note ~ it's Nathan's 10th birthday today ~ Happy Birthday Nathan!!!!!
We've added a new link to the blog ~ it's a meal schedule. If you would be willing to bring a meal click on "Bring a Meal" and it will bring you to a website where you can sign up. Thank you!!
I need to keep it short tonight because...I'm tired.
On a more positive note ~ it's Nathan's 10th birthday today ~ Happy Birthday Nathan!!!!!
We've added a new link to the blog ~ it's a meal schedule. If you would be willing to bring a meal click on "Bring a Meal" and it will bring you to a website where you can sign up. Thank you!!
I need to keep it short tonight because...I'm tired.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010: In Need of Prayers
Please pray extra for Kristi as she continues to struggle with nausea and fatigue. In her usual fashion, she way understated her side effects in her last post as “feeling crummy”. I can tell you she feels worse than crummy but she doesn’t want to have everyone worried about her. She’s always thinking of everyone else. :) Seems like she has been sick more than not the past couple months. She gets out when she can but then usually pays the price when she gets home by having extreme fatigue and nausea. This is really hard on the kids as Kristi is usually too tired to go on bike rides, play outside, etc.
Her mind (and mine) has been spending a lot of time thinking about the “what ifs”. This is mentally draining on top of her physical fatigue. We also have had 3 deaths recently that were pretty close to us. 2 out of the 3 were cancer related. Those really hit close to home.
So as we go into the weekend, please hold Kristi and the family up in extra prayers.
Thanks!
Her mind (and mine) has been spending a lot of time thinking about the “what ifs”. This is mentally draining on top of her physical fatigue. We also have had 3 deaths recently that were pretty close to us. 2 out of the 3 were cancer related. Those really hit close to home.
So as we go into the weekend, please hold Kristi and the family up in extra prayers.
Thanks!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010: A New Journey
I have been feeling crummy the past couple days. Yesterday started with me throwing up all the water I had drank that morning. Gross. I was very weak and tired but by the end of the day I was able to eat food and keep it down. I was still very fatigued though.
This morning I was still very tired. I was able to eat and wasn't nauseous but I still had that weak/tired feeling. My dear sweet husband stayed home from work to "babysit" me. We ended up going in for blood work this afternoon to see if maybe my counts were low. My nurse just called me with the results and apparently I am "fine". My counts are good.
So, maybe I just have some sort of bug that will hopefully go away soon. The kids start school next week and a lot of things need to happen between now and then - no time for germs!!
On a completely different note ~ I have started a new blog. I've been wanting to do this for quite a while now. Most of my updates on this blog aren't really cancer related - they are more about my relationship with God. I wanted a place to share the things He is teaching me that was completely separate from cancer. We will still keep this blog going when we have medical information to share. All my other postings will be on my blog. The address is www.krogalske.blogspot.com. A new journey has begun!
This morning I was still very tired. I was able to eat and wasn't nauseous but I still had that weak/tired feeling. My dear sweet husband stayed home from work to "babysit" me. We ended up going in for blood work this afternoon to see if maybe my counts were low. My nurse just called me with the results and apparently I am "fine". My counts are good.
So, maybe I just have some sort of bug that will hopefully go away soon. The kids start school next week and a lot of things need to happen between now and then - no time for germs!!
On a completely different note ~ I have started a new blog. I've been wanting to do this for quite a while now. Most of my updates on this blog aren't really cancer related - they are more about my relationship with God. I wanted a place to share the things He is teaching me that was completely separate from cancer. We will still keep this blog going when we have medical information to share. All my other postings will be on my blog. The address is www.krogalske.blogspot.com. A new journey has begun!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010: Grumpy
If you look up the word grumpy in the dictionary I think you would find my picture right next to it. I looked the definition up online and it sums my attitude up perfectly:
grumpy: surly or ill-tempered; discontentedly or sullenly irritable; grouchy.
I think I've been on a downward spiral for a while now and didn't realize it. I'm not depressed, just grumpy. Tonight I googled "what does the bible say about being grumpy". (I know, I'm weird). Nothing really came up (not that I really thought it would) but one of the sites that came up talked about contentment so I searched biblegateway's website for the verse about being content in any situation. Here is The Message's translation:
I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. Philippians 4:12
grumpy: surly or ill-tempered; discontentedly or sullenly irritable; grouchy.
I think I've been on a downward spiral for a while now and didn't realize it. I'm not depressed, just grumpy. Tonight I googled "what does the bible say about being grumpy". (I know, I'm weird). Nothing really came up (not that I really thought it would) but one of the sites that came up talked about contentment so I searched biblegateway's website for the verse about being content in any situation. Here is The Message's translation:
I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. Philippians 4:12
I know that being content in every situation can only come from God. But, what do you do when you are stuck in a deep, dark pit of grumpiness? When the last thing you feel like doing (but know you should be) is reading the bible and praying? Well, in my case you blog. I can feel when God is tugging at my heart and telling me to share a brutally honest update. So, that's what I'm doing.
I'm not sharing this so people will leave comments telling me that it is okay to feel this way because life has been hard for us. Cancer has definitely brought some ugly moments our way but in reality, we are so extremely blessed. Things could be worse. A lot worse.
The reason I'm sharing is first because God told me to. Secondly, I'm guessing I am not the only person to ever feel this way. So, if you are a fellow grumpy person out there - know that you are not alone. Finally, by typing this all out I am able to process things better. As I was reading through Philippians earlier these verses really hit home ~
Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!
Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. Philippians 4:4-9
If I didn't feel the tug to do an update I don't know that I would have gotten my bible out. I probably would have just stewed in my pity party. I'm still grumpy . . . but I'm reminded once again that I serve a very awesome God. And with Him ~ all things are possible.
(Aaaaaahhhhhh!!! I've spent the past half hour trying to add lines between paragraphs. Sooooooo not helping with my grumpiness. Perfect spacing is just not meant to be with this post though so I'm letting it go. Okay, so I'm trying to let it go.)
Monday, August 16, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010: Consider This
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-3 NIV
We've faced a lot of trials and I know there are a lot more to come. I have to admit that when I read that verse my initial response is always "trials are pure joy ~ I don't think so!" The other day when I was reading this verse the word "consider" jumped out at me. Here's a couple of definitions I found online for the word "consider":
To think carefully about, especially in order to make a decision; contemplate; reflect on. To regard as or deem to be. To think, believe, or suppose, to bear in mind; make allowance for, to pay attention to; regard. To regard with respect, thoughtfulness, honor, etc.
This verse isn't telling me that I need to accept trials as pure joy but I should consider it. God knows that my first reaction is typically 'trials = bad, hard, difficult, stressful ~ anything but joyful'. This verse has challenged me to think about our trials from His perspective. In my heart I understand it but my mind is still ~ well ~ considering the possibilities.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:3-9
Hmmmm ~ trials come to prove the genuineness of our faith so that we can reach our ultimate goal - the salvation of our soul. Yikes - instead of whining to God about my trials I should be thanking Him for them? Something to consider . . . . .
We've faced a lot of trials and I know there are a lot more to come. I have to admit that when I read that verse my initial response is always "trials are pure joy ~ I don't think so!" The other day when I was reading this verse the word "consider" jumped out at me. Here's a couple of definitions I found online for the word "consider":
To think carefully about, especially in order to make a decision; contemplate; reflect on. To regard as or deem to be. To think, believe, or suppose, to bear in mind; make allowance for, to pay attention to; regard. To regard with respect, thoughtfulness, honor, etc.
This verse isn't telling me that I need to accept trials as pure joy but I should consider it. God knows that my first reaction is typically 'trials = bad, hard, difficult, stressful ~ anything but joyful'. This verse has challenged me to think about our trials from His perspective. In my heart I understand it but my mind is still ~ well ~ considering the possibilities.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:3-9
Hmmmm ~ trials come to prove the genuineness of our faith so that we can reach our ultimate goal - the salvation of our soul. Yikes - instead of whining to God about my trials I should be thanking Him for them? Something to consider . . . . .
Monday, August 2, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010: Going, Going, Soon to be Gone!
Slowly but surely my CA125 is coming down ~ three months ago it was 598, two months ago it was 544. Today's number . . . . . drum roll please . . . . . 440!!!!!!!!!! I'd type a longer update but we're busy celebrating :)
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