So many things going through my mind right now. God has been sharing so much with me. I quite often "hear" Him through songs or just a thought in my mind. Recently it has felt like the skies have opened up and He has a megaphone and is yelling "You. Yes you. I'm talking to you!" It is to the point that I am in awe. I am overwhelmed at what I feel He is calling me to do and also amazed at the crystal clear communication I am hearing from Him. It is so easy to say "yes, I believe in God" and think you mean it and then you have a mind boggling experience and realize that He is real. So very, very, very real! And He is talking to me!!!
I've talked to Brian recently about everything going through my mind and I know he is in awe as well. However, his reply one day really cracked me up. After sharing everything that I have been processing and talking nonstop for quite a while he was very quiet. Then he says "twenty seven thousand four hundred sixty three to three hundred twenty four". I said "huh"? He says "you've said twenty seven thousand four hundred sixty three words so far today and I've said three hundred and twenty four". I wasn't sure whether to hug him or slap him :)
Some day I will post all the conversations God and I have been having lately but right now they are a big mixed up bag of thoughts (with apparently too many words). Today I heard the song I Am by Ginny Owens on the radio (I've never heard this song before today). Even though what God has been telling me seems like it should be simple to understand and do I am still struggling and processing it all. The chorus of the song cleared everything up for me:
’Cause there's a bigger picture you can't see
You don't have to change the world, just trust in Me
'Cause I am your creator, I am working out my plan
And through you I will show them, I Am
Some days (okay, every day) life seems so hard and complicated but this it what it all boils down to. I Am. He is. I can't mess up because He is my creator and He is working out His plan. All I need to do is trust Him. And through me - little, tiny, messed up, insignicant, broken and human me - you will see Him. Yes, cancer sucks. It sucks big time. But because cancer has broken me - you can see Him even more clearly through me.
I'm sure many of you are wondering if we have results on my ct scan yet. I haven't heard anything yet (and doubt I will until at least Thursday or Friday). To be honest I haven't really given it a second thought. I could be a phone call away from hearing "the results showed that the cancer has spread" and I'm not the least bit worried (yes, I have my moments of fear, I'm human, but at this point in time right now I am not afraid). God has the bigger picture in sight and He's got my back. How awesome is He??