Saturday, October 2, 2010

Saturday, October 2, 2010: Can You Hear It?

Have you ever heard the voice of fear? Sometimes this voice sneaks up on me. I can be in the middle of a typical day and then all the sudden - WHAM - out of nowhere comes this ugly fear that grabs hold of the carpet underneath me and pulls it out. The next thing I remember is being flat on my back having no idea what just hit me.

Sometimes the voice is sneakier. I hear a faint complaint "don't forget about that lump in your neck". I try to ignore it but it gets louder "I think it's getting bigger". I hear things like "you should really get that checked out" and "it's not looking good". And then the voice's favorite grand finale "the cancer is spreading!". Before I know it I have worked myself into a panic thinking that the cancer has spread from my head to my toes.

This time the voice tried something different. It wasn't loud and it didn't come on quickly. It was a slow and steady rhythm like the sound of a leaky faucet - drip, drip , drip. It was stuck in my head and wouldn't stop. It just kept going on and on ~ drip, drip, drip. You have cancer. You have cancer. You have cancer. You have cancer. You have cancer.

This has been going on for a couple days now. I can't get my mind off of cancer. I try to focus on other things but it is still there quietly nagging at the back of my mind. You would think after almost four years of dealing with this I would be used to it. I don't think I will ever get used to it. It feels like a bad dream that I can't wake up from.

The voice never got louder but it never let up. It was lulling me into a dark, lonely place of sadness. At the core of this darkness though there was a small ray of light that refused to go away. There were times that I thought that little glimmer of hope was going to be snuffed out by the constant drips of lies that the voice kept repeating.

I convinced myself that I needed to read the bible (despite the voice telling me not to) and I noticed the dripping started to slow down. I put Christian music on and it was like an umbrella had opened and was covering me from the constant attack. I can still hear the "thud" as the drops hit umbrella but this barrier has helped me put things back into perspective. I can see now that the ray of light wasn't getting smaller - it only appeared to because my eyes were so focused on the dark drops of rain falling all around me.

Good-bye (and good riddance!) voice of fear. I'm listening to the Voice of Truth now.

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

(Chorus from Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns)