Have you noticed anything about the blog entries over the past several weeks? Maybe that they’ve been mostly pink?! Have you wondered why? Well, Kristi is a blogaholic! OK, not really! Actually, Kristi has really been feeling much stronger lately. She’s even packed on 3 or 4 pounds!! This new chemo is really quite tolerable for her compared to the last. It really has been a blessing to have her “back”! I know she has really been enjoying herself…she’s helping out at Coffee Break again, helping with GEMS, and is even helping the kids’ school teachers. She really feels like she is contributing again. It’s been wonderful to see. She’s happiest when she’s helping.
There’s one little problem, however…remember several times this past summer when I said “when things are going good I have time to think…”? Those were the times that I would get really down. When I wasn’t overwhelmed with the chemo cycle (taking care of Kristi and the kids) my mind would begin to process “stuff”. Well, same goes for Kristi. Now that she is feeling physically stronger, she is spending less time sick or in bed fatigued so her mind has time to process stuff. This is a mixed blessing…it’s wonderful that she feels better, but she has been spending a lot of time thinking about the alternate ending…the one that we don’t like to consider. She is having all those same thoughts that I had last summer and is now working through all those emotions that I did. She has been bringing it up more and more lately. We’ll just be sitting on the couch and out of nowhere she’ll ask “what will you do?” I think she even has been researching stuff on the internet. Every once in a while she has this feeling like her body is trying to tell her something. She’s not giving up, rather I think she’s just now trying to balance hope with reality. Before, she was too sick to think about anything other than getting better. I overheard her say to one of her friends “if my CA125 level isn’t 35 this next time it’s going to be a wet ride home” (meaning lots of tears). We’ve been talking about “it” a lot lately. “It” being the other outcome. Again, we’re not giving up, we’re just balancing hope and reality. We don’t know what reality will be; only God knows that. But we know what it could be.
Even though this chemo has less severe side effects, Kristi is having a really hard time with it. Emotionally she is really struggling with it. She starts getting really down every Sunday night. Just the thought of chemo makes her nauseous. When we get to the chemo clinic she doesn’t eat. The food isn’t that bad, she just gets nauseous about the thought of eating. The smells, the sights, the sounds. Everything about chemo days makes her nauseous. The weekly grind is really wearing on her.
Posting this is difficult because we don’t want to upset anyone and I don’t want it to sound like we’re really down, but she really needs the prayer support now. Overall, we are doing well. We’re not down in the dumps all the time, but we do talk about “it”. We still do cry once in a while, though not as much as we used to. Our conversations are more "matter of fact". Maybe we're just getting numb to it all, I don't know. We're getting pretty good at putting on our “happy faces” when we go out. There are reasons for the happy faces: when we go out we want to have fun. When we go out we like talking about sports, GEMS, card stamping, the Lions, school, etc.. When we leave the house we like things to be “normal”. You wouldn’t understand unless you are in our shoes how easy it is to slip emotionally. One conversation can begin a slippery slope. So you can help us by continuing to hold Kristi up in prayer. When you see her please don’t dwell on the cancer. We realize that it is a part of our lives now, but we’d rather talk about other things…like how are you doing? So if you could please take a minute now and pray for her spirits. Also pray for YOU. Pray for Calvary Church and all of our friends and family that have been helping us out over the past 10 months. Please also remember Eric & Lori and their struggles. Kristi’s Aunt Louise, Kristi’s friend Doris, Claudia, my nephew Josh, our friends Larry & Suzanne, and so many more that need our prayers. God hears them all!!
Also, Emily appears to be coming down with some separation anxiety. This isn’t a surprise since she’s been shuffled around so much lately. It’s just tough on Kristi when Emily is crying whenever she drops her off somewhere…even in nursery, a place she used to enjoy. Please pray that Emily adjusts to this new routine.
Tonight was not a great night. Ashley had a bad night. We’re all quite tired of “mommy being sick” and Ashley is worried about mommy. Please pray for Ashley as well.
Chemo went as expected today. Thanks Heidi for keeping Kristi company! Kristi has been sleeping since about 6 tonight. Other than being tired and nauseous, she's doing as expected. Hopefully tomorrow she will feel better.
Thank you for your continued prayers.
