Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Wednesday, November 21, 2007: Looking For A Sign

Yes, it was quite a shock on Monday. The 45 blind-sided us. We were sitting on pins and needles all morning. We waited in the exam room for nearly an hour before the nurse came in. We were so anxious. Then she told us. "It went up. 45." We were numb. Scared. We just sat there stunned. We actually thought the nurse was reading someone else’s chart. It got very quiet. Then the tears. It hurt. We were soooo expecting 35. Monday was a weird day. For most of the day I felt like I could throw up. I had a pit in my stomach all day. It’s not like the number changes anything for us. We still feel like she is going to beat this. But, as Kristi said, when I get this type of information my engineering mind takes over. I know it’s satin working, trying to wiggle in to weaken my faith. But I have to admit, I was disappointed. Really disappointed. Crushed. I felt let down. Confused. Is ‘betrayed’ too strong?

Lord, we have hundreds, possibly over a thousand people praying. Why?! Why can’t you give us one sign. Just one. It says in Matthew ‘if you have faith as small as a mustard seed you can move a mountain’. Am I not praying enough? Is my faith not strong enough? If mine is not, I know Kristi’s is. So what gives?! Monday night I was mad. Mad that we can’t catch just one break. One small break. It also says in Matthew ‘ask and it will be given to you.’. Hellllloooooooo. Here I am. Asking. Begging.

With a 35 there would have been an end in sight. Now there is just more waiting. More wondering. More anxiety. Don’t get me wrong, we’re extremely grateful that her colostomy will be reversed, but then it’s on to endless chemo again after that. So yes, we’re both a little disappointed. But, as it always does, time and prayer will lift us back up. I’m not bitter; I just need some time to process this again. Thankfully we have the holidays coming up to keep us busy. That will be a huge help to keep our time occupied until surgery. Like I said before, I’m not bitter. I’m just confused, disappointed, numb. I know when to ask for help, so please ask our Lord to lift me back up. For understanding. Patience. To know that He is in control. I need to be strong for Kristi. Right now she is worried that I am melting down. Monday night I was. But I took care of those tears with a friend and now I feel better. I’m still going up and down but it’s more moderated. I just need some help to stay strong for Kristi. I’m not much for asking for help, but I’d rather ask for it now then let myself fall all the way down and be completely useless for her. Thank you.

So here’s an ironic story I’ll share with you: Kristi got her blood work done Friday morning. Well, she was so confident that the CA125 number was going to come back lower than 35 she called the doctor’s office at 3:05 Friday afternoon to ask for it. She wanted to surprise me. Remember, I was hunting. She was going to make banners and we were going to celebrate the 35 when I got home Saturday. Well, the doctor’s office closes at 3:00 on Fridays. She missed them by 5 minutes. She never got the results. Imagine if she had gotten through to someone and found out Friday it was 45. She would have been crushed. Imagine the disappointment. The thought of a celebration would have instantly turned into a weekend of fear. Now there’s a God story!

We’ll get through this. We just need some time and lots of prayer. Thanks!