Monday, May 11, 2009

Monday, May 11, 2009: It Is Well With My Soul

As I was thinking about what to title this entry, the thought came to my mind "it is well with my soul". I am not sure why other than my soul is well right now and I am very peaceful. It has been a wonderful weekend and even a great Monday!

Unfortunately, Friday was bad, really bad. My depression hasn't been bad lately and out of the blue it hit me on Friday. It was a good day (with the exception of the whole hair issue) but I was on the verge of tears all day for no reason. I remember driving in the van thinking I know I'm going down and there is nothing I can do about it when I had the thought - turn on the radio. Right when it came on the lyrics were - "can you reach me here and pull me out, can you pull me out. I wanna scream but there’s no sound. I wanna fly to you somehow. Can you reach me here and pull me out, can you pull me out". Bebo Normans song "Pull Me Out" was playing and I had not heard the song before.

I'm sure it was no coincidence that the words "can you reach down here and pull me out" were the first songs that played. Even knowing that asking God to pull me out would have been a step in the right direction, I still couldn't do it then. I remember smiling and thinking wow, God loves me so much He put that song on for me and a second later the smile was gone and I was back down. Depression is overwhelmingly powerful. The reason I share all this is because if there is someone out there reading our blog that suffers from depression - know that you are not alone. Thankfully that episode only lasted for a day.

Sunday Brian and I were "interviewed" by the high school class at our church. We joined their class that morning and shared what the past couple years have been like for us. They had a lot of really good questions and it was a great experience. (The only down side was when I realized I was old enough to be their mother!). The kids each shared with us at the end what part of our story impacted them the most. That was really cool. I know what Brian and I talked about but how it would be interpreted by a teenager is another story. They gave us a lot of insight.

I had told the kids that I was painfully shy all through high school and college and I still have social anxiety. All these strikes against me and yet God has chosen me to talk to both big and small groups of people. He specifically chose someone that does not have the gift of public speaking to show that is not me, but Him working through me. I also have a very low threshold for pain and have extreme anxiety when needles are around. There is no other explanation for the peace I had before every surgery other than God.

On another note, Brian is doing better! I have slowly seem him have a little bit more energy every day for the past few days! Yea! He is completely off his Zoloft now and he is watching his sugar intake closely. He is also making sure he is in bed by 10:00 so he gets a good nights sleep. There has definitely been improvement with these changes! One prayer request with this is for patience. Because he is off his Zoloft his fuse is a bit shorter and he can get irritated quickly. I know this feeling all too well - if I miss a day of my Effexor I think I can actually feel my blood start to boil. He is doing a really good job working through this though. I love seeing the "old Brian" come back. Speaking of old . . . he hit the big "40" last week! I will be turning 40 this December so earlier this year we made a deal - I don't surprise him with a party and he won't get me either :) We had a nice night at home with the kids celebrating.

Now that I have written a book I will sum things up in a nutshell . . . We are doing good. Life is good. God is good!