Thursday, May 21, 2009

Thursday, May 21, 2009: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

Yesterday is done. There is nothing I can do to change it.

Tomorrow will be here soon. I don't know what tomorrow will bring.

Today. Now. This is the time that I can do something about.

So why is it that I dwell on past conversations? Things I could have done better? Things on the "to-do" list that didn't get done.

Why do I stress about the future when God has got it all under control?

I try to stay in the here and now but my mind wanders back . . . another day gone and I still didn't finish my to-do list. It looks into the future . . . what will I do if the cancer comes back? What a waste of mental energy and time. All that time dwelling on something I can't change or predict.

The other day I found a lump on my neck (before you worry - it is gone now). At the time I found it my mind immediately went into action. What if the cancer spread? Will I need more surgery? Or a biopsy? Should I call the doctor? I can't go through this again!!!

When my mind slowed down I mentally yelled at myself for freaking out about something God has under control. (Yes, I think too much). Seconds after that I was freaking out again. I managed to stop obsessing and yelled at myself to stop again. This verse came to my mind . . . we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:5)

I wish I could say that I took my thoughts captive and I stopped worrying but I didn't. I continued to alternate panicking and trusting. But, I didn't give up or I should say God didn't give up on me. Eventually the time I spent trusting was longer than the time I was panicking. And after a while I stopped thinking about the lump.

The next morning I remembered the lump and tried to find it and couldn't. It was probably a swollen lymph node which I often have. Or maybe I never really felt it to begin with. I don't know. But, it was a lesson learned and one I hope I don't soon forget.

Focus on the here and now. God has forgiven us of our past and He has the future under control. I want to be more focused on now. I want to spend more time blowing bubbles with my 5 year old, not on the web searching for "lumps in the neck". I want to be focused on listening to my son tell me about his day, not thinking about a conversation I had a couple days ago. I want to grab every second I can with my social butterfly before she is off playing with her friends again. I want to sit on the couch and veg out with my husband without my mind thinking of everything else I should be accomplishing.

I want to take captive every negative, pessimistic, self-defeating fearful thought and replace it with what God would want from me and with His help I can.

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. Matthew 6:34 from The Message.