I seem to have this vicious cycle that reminds me of a roller coaster. I'm up. I'm down. I'm up. I'm down. I just want to stop. Can't I just stop somewhere in the middle? Just pause for a little and catch my breath? Just some time to look ahead and see what is coming? Actually, I usually know what is coming . . . if I'm down - up is coming (although you can't convince me of this when I'm down). If I'm up - down is coming.
I was doing fairly well the past couple weeks and this morning I woke up completely drowning in a pit. I didn't even see it coming. Brian had to video at church and when he came home he found me in bed, under the covers, down so low I was convinced I would never come up again. He sat there listening to me whine, complain, and beat myself up. He has got to be so tired of this routine. I told him if I were him I would have taken me out to the curb with the garbage a long time ago. He is so patient. Okay, so he isn't always patient but when I am in the middle of one of my "episodes" he is extremely patient with me.
This afternoon I read this . . . the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8). Depression is definitely my "roaring lion". I felt defeated and under attack, worthless and hopeless. I asked Brian today - how do I make this go away? He simply slid by bible next to me and said "read". When I'm down that is the last thing I want to do. Thankfully I have him to remind me and encourage me to. Because he did, I read the verse I mentioned earlier. It sparked something in me - the need to fight back against this roaring lion and not give up.
I debated even posting about this. We have always been honest on this blog and some days I don't really want to be. I figured - who wants to read about my pity party anyway? And what would the point be? It's not always easy publicly airing my "issues". Then I started thinking . . . I'm sure I'm not alone in this struggle. How many of you out there get down? Feel worthless? Hopeless? Completely alone? It may feel like it but we're not. I felt completely alone this morning but God was there. He was ready to help me and was simply waiting for me to ask.
Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with my oncologist for my routine visit I have every 3 weeks. My treatment is scheduled for Wednesday morning but I am hoping to try and reschedule it for Monday afternoon or Tuesday. My CA125 will be tested again during the treatment. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't anxious about my number. Even if I am able to schedule my treatment for tomorrow afternoon I won't have my number until Tuesday. I can hear the clock ticking already.
It is time for me to get back on that roller coaster now. I'm thankful that I am past this last "down" and am looking forward to the next "up". It sure would be nice though if I could get on a slow kiddie ride that simply goes in circles for a change. Slow, even, predictable boring circles.
We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3-4.