Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Wednesday, June 22, 2009: Our Hands Are Reaching Out

At the end of my last update I challenged everyone to accept help when life knocks you down. Well, we have been knocked down completely once again. My hands have been lifted up in desperation asking "why". They have been wiping my tears. They have been folded in prayer. They have been holding my head up. And now they are reaching out to all of you, humbly asking for your help once again.

My CA125 has gone up to 71. I will be starting the "biggie" chemo again beginning on August 12. The toxic "kill the good and the bad" chemo that I originally started on two years ago. My hair will go, my energy will go, my blood counts will go. I have gone from shock to sadness to anger and have settled into numbness.

We told the kids tonight and they didn't even shed a tear. Nothing. Ashley went to play with a friend and Nathan still wanted to go to his karate class. I am so sad to think that these kids are so used to this kind of news that they are numb to it. I know the tears will come later for them. When this chemo starts and my hair goes it will be hard for them. Hard for all of us.

I was actually driving when I received "the call". I pulled into a parking lot and sobbed. On the radio was the song "God is God" by Steven Curtis Chapman. God is God and I am not. I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting. God is God and I am man so I’ll never understand it all for only God is God.

I told Brian just a couple days ago that if this cancer came back I honestly didn't know if I would have any fight left in me. Well, cancer has challenged me for another round and I will kick its butt once again. I'm exhausted and so very, very tired of this battle and ready to just beat my head against the wall but I will not give up. I will fight it with everything in me. I am not physically or emotionally ready for this battle but I know that with God all things are possible. I am armed with God's strength, overwhelmingly supportive family and friends, wonderful children and the absolutely positively best husband in the world.

I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13.