Thursday, July 2, 2009

Thursday, July 2, 2009: What's In Your Fist?

I apologize for getting so far behind on the blog. I had an appointment with my oncologist on Monday and that went well. I had my treatment on Wednesday which went fine too. I even brought the kids and my mom with me. Because my appointment was in the afternoon I wasn't able to get my CA125 results until today . . . it wasn’t quite the number I was hoping for.

Six weeks ago I was at 20. I forgot to post it three weeks ago . . . it had gone up to 25 . . . not a big deal. It was tested again yesterday and it is now at 34. Again, not a big deal. Okay, so at first it was a big deal. After going from 20 to 25 I was really hoping to hear it had jumped back down. I am still considered to be "normal" because I am under 35.

Although I was initially shocked about the new number I had a peace shortly after. I realized I could worry about this for three weeks until it is tested again or I can give it to God while I'm waiting. Then the song Everlasting God ran through my head . . . specifically the lyrics "strength will rise when we wait upon the Lord".

This morning before I talked to my nurse I had done my bible study and it talked about things that we hold tightly in our fists and are afraid to give over to God. I thought I had given my fear of the cancer returning over to Him. Most of the time I do but then it slowly sneaks back in and before I know it, I'm holding it tight in my fist thinking that I can take care of it myself. Silly me.

The lesson shared a story about a dog holding onto a toy in his mouth and refusing to let it go. His owner tried but he wouldn't budge. Ironically, all she wanted to do was put a snack in it and give it back to him.

At the end of the lesson they talked about what happens when we release our white knuckled fists and give whatever it is we are hanging onto to Him. He will either take it from us and return it with a treat in it or reveal to us something we couldn't see because we were so focused on our white knuckled grip.

God has taken away my fear once again and I know He won't give it back. The only way it will come back is if I take it. When I look at it from this perspective I can't understand why I keep trying to take it back! I also don't understand why I don't start out every day with my bible study. Doing this won’t change what will happen to me that day but it will change how I choose to handle it.