Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Wednesday, July 22, 2009: Really?

Really? Again? Really? That word keeps going through my head. Tomorrow it will be 2 1/2 years since we first heard the "c" word. Two and a half years of ups and downs, surgeries and chemo treatments, tears and laughter. Our family has grown so much through this battle. We are not the same as we used to be and we never will be again.

I am numb. When I don't think about "it" I am okay. Denial isn't such a bad place to be. When I look at Brian though, my heart breaks. How do you watch your spouse go through something like this again? I see my kids and I get so frustrated for them. They deserve to have a mom that can go with them on field trips and help in the classroom. A mom that isn't tired all the time. A mom that can run around and play with them. A mom with hair. A mom.

Deep down I think that is my biggest fear. I can talk the talk all I want about beating this cancer but when it comes right down to it - God knows the plans He has made for me. I can hope and pray and plead and beg that those plans include watching my children grow up. That they include growing old with Brian. Sigh - for I know the plans I have made for me.

I heard the song tonight "Sometimes He calms the storm". With a whispered peace be still, He can settle any sea, but it doesn't mean He will. Sometimes He holds us close and lets the wind and waves go wild. Sometimes He calms the storm, and other times He calms His child.

I think the wind and waves of this cancerous storm are about to go wild. I really wish God would just calm this storm but if He doesn't then I will cling to the thought that He will calm His child.