Friday, September 11, 2009

Friday, September 11, 2009: Nobody Home

Read at your own risk. Faint of heart don't read.

If I said things were "OK" I'd be lying. It's 4:00AM and it's another sleepless night. Tick tock tick tock. As I sit here typing I hear the living room clock ticking away. Kristi is in absolute misery. She trades off extreme constipation with bouts of diarrhea. Throw in occasional nausea and constant fatigue and that sums up the last 10 days for us. Some nights as we sit on the couch I will look into her eyes (as she stares at the TV, not watching, but staring) - her eyes are open but nobody is home. Her expression is blank. It crushes me. Sorry. She says if this cancer ends up taking her in 2 years this is not how she wants to spend those last 2 years. I can't blame her. If it were me I'd want to be brought out to the 'back 40'. I can't even imagine the misery. She says she is not giving up her fight - and she's not - she has just been thinking a lot about 'reality' lately. She has been thinking a lot about quitting chemo lately. Then she asks me "what do you think?" Usually by this time of the conversation I'm numb. What does one say? I don't know. She says when she thinks of spending the next 2 years like this she gets emotionally exhausted. I responded by saying "when I think of spending the next 40 years without you I get emotionally exhausted". Sorry. That's how it's been the last 6 weeks around here. I'd put some specific prayer requests but I think you get it. Thanks. I'm going to go lay next to Kristi and the dogs now. Night.