Saturday, September 12, 2009

Saturday, September 12, 2009: Decisions

As long as I can remember I have been terrible at making decisions. Sometimes I really don't have a preference, other times I'm afraid of offending the person I'm with (that's the people pleaser in me), and there are also times I simply don't know the answer.

Every single day we are hit with decisions. As soon as my alarm clock goes off I have to decide if I have time to hit snooze or not. The agonizing decision of "what shall I wear today"? By afternoon I'm trying to decide what to make for supper . . . of if I need to make supper (can I pull off another day of "we're having cereal again tonight"?)

Quite often in life there are the "biggie" decisions that we need to make. What college should I go to? Should I go to college? Who will I marry? (thankfully that was a no brainer for me!) Is it time for us to start a family? Where do we send our kids to school? How can we continue to afford sending our kids to school?

And then every once in a while we are hit with those major decisions. Those life or death consequence decisions. We are there right now. We have actually been there for almost three years. I have cancer. I want it gone. How do we accomplish this?

We have for the most part followed the traditional route. We have seen the doctors. We have gotten second opinions. I have had surgeries, scans, tests, chemotherapy and so on. I have followed the rules and where has that gotten me? Well, it's been 2 years, seven months and twenty days (give or take a few hours) and I still have cancer.

If it sounds like I am bitter it's because I am. Through most of this journey I have been optimistic. Even though the odds have always been stacked against me I have believed that I would be in that small percentage of survivors. And I still do. As soon as I give up that thought I have admitted defeat and taken away any chance of surviving this battle.

Anyone who reads this blog also knows that I have had many times of just wanting to give up, times that I was at the bottom of a very dark pit and just wanted to stay there. I am not in a pit now, I am just tired. Tired of putting poison through my veins that just seems to be killing me along with the chemo. I don't want to give up but I want to find a new strategy - a new plan of attack.

Anyone who has been diagnosed with an illness knows that along with this comes a great deal of advice and opinions. Sometimes this can be overwhelming and other times it turns on a light bulb. It opens a new door. It starts the wheels spinning.

I recently was given some information on an alternative form of therapy. As I read through this I felt a strong pull. I felt like God was telling me to take a closer look. After doing some research of my own I have found out that this treatment is not available. In fact, it appears that it is not even legal to sell this vitamin in the United States. At this point I am not going to share what I am researching as I know that I will receive a great deal of opinions and right now I need to forge through on my own and make my own opinions. I am working with my oncologist on this as well. I still have a couple weeks before I am scheduled for my next round of chemo and many decisions need to be made.

That brings me back full circle to that dreaded word "decision". If I can't decide what restaurant I would like to eat at for supper how can I decide something that will effect my chance of survival? The verse I cling to is Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have made for you" declares the Lord. He has planned my life from beginning to end. These plans have been made. Where I struggle is . . . what are these plans? Can I get a copy of them? I am so afraid of making the wrong decision.

When I stopped chemo in April of 2008 I felt God's peace and I know I made the right decision. I still believe that. Right now I need to find this again. The thought "seek me" came into my head and I searched Bible Gateway and this is what I found . . . . You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. This verse is Jeremiah 29:13 - just two verses from my favorite verse. Coincidence? I don't think so.

So right now we seek. We seek with all our heart. And we pray. And we know - God does have plans for us . . "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".