I'm starting to notice a pattern in my life . . . . wake up, survive the day, go to bed, repeat. Something's missing. God is missing. And it isn't because He's moved . . . I have.
I've been praying for a couple months now about my relationship with God. It seems like with all we have been through I should have a very close connection with Him. When there isn't a crisis to deal with I tend to pull away - even from reading the bible, doing devotions and simply listening to God.
When I am in crisis I connect with Him again but it seems to be more of a one sided connection. It's me asking why, how, and "really"? It's also me begging for peace, comfort and direction but then not listening for the answer.
I think I have found the source of my troubles. I don't want to become too close to God because then it may become very clear what His plans for me are and I don't want to know them. I don't want to get out of my comfort zone and try something new that He may be asking of me. What if He wants me to speak publicly again or worse . . . . one on one with people that I don't know. I feel safe typing my feelings on the blog because I can edit it before I publish it. Plus there isn't anyone looking at me right now. In person I tend to either talk too much out of nervousness or clam up out of fear that I may say something stupid.
I was trying to find a Psalm the other day and I came across Psalm 30:11-12 . . . You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. Oh Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever. I wanted to close the bible at that point and forget that I had even read that. Dancing? Me? No thanks, I'd rather be wailing. Being clothed with joy sounds great but only if I can quietly enjoy that peace at home while being silent.
I've been watching my sister over the past couple months. Growing up she had the nickname "happy mouth". It suited her perfectly and it still does. No matter what life throws her way she sings praises to God. Literally singing . . . and dancing! I was sitting next to her at a Mercy Me concert once and had to laugh at the contrast. She was standing up, dancing and singing every chance she could get . . . . I was sitting, listening to the music and perfectly content. I even tapped my foot to the beat once in a while . . . I know, I'm such a rebel.
I've always wished I was more like her though. I wish I had the courage to sing, dance and praise God so openly. I wish I could just be "me" and not even consider what others are thinking about me. I have the desire to dance locked somewhere deep in my heart. I love music and when I'm home with the kids I have been known to break into dance but the look of horror in their eyes usually makes me stop :)
I sent a link to my sister recently with the song I Wanna Be Like You from The Jungle Book. Here are some of the lyrics:
You -oh oh
I wanna be like you - oh oh
I wanna walk like you
Talk like you, too
You'll see it's true
Someone like me
Can learn to be
Like someone like you
I know I goofed up some of the lyrics but these are the words that kept going through my head. I wanted Lori to know how much I admired her and wanted to be more like her. I was focused on the first part of the song - of wanting to be like her. After I sent it I heard the second part . . . you'll see it's true - someone like me - can learn to be like someone like you. Huh. I can?
I know God doesn't want me to be just like her but I can learn from her. I can have that same courage to just be "me" if I could just trust God when He asks me to do something that is out of my comfort zone instead of putting my fingers in my ears and saying "I can't hear you".
So, a couple days ago I prayed for that. I prayed another "mess with me" prayer. You think I would have learned my lesson the first time . . . be careful what you pray for! I'm so tired of just going through the motions.
This might hurt, it’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change.
I don’t care, if I break
At least I’ll be feeling something.
‘Cause just ok is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions
(lyrics are from ~ Going Through the Motions by Matthew West)
Well, I guess I will end this post here and go hang on tight . . . . I know first hand the power of a "mess with me" prayer!