For quite a while now I have been feeling distant from God. My prayers had become more focused on me - why do I still have cancer, why won't it go away, please make it go away, I can't take it anymore! I'm not sure when it happened but my prayer life has taken a turn. I find myself praying more and more about seeing the world through God's eyes and less about cancer.
I have also been feeling for a while now that God is up to something. Something big and something good. The song Wait & See by Brandon Heath sums up exactly what I'm feeling.
Still wonderin' why I'm here.
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh... HE's up to something,
And the farther out I go,
I've seen enough to know
That I'm not here for nothin'...
He's up to somethin'.
There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans HE's made for me
I have to wait and see,
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet.
Yesterday before my feet even hit the floor I prayed again that I would have His eyes. As I was about to walk into church I saw groups of people standing around and I had the thought "do they realize that they just spent time being filled up with God's word? Do they know how lucky we are to be able to worship together? Will they take what they learned during the sermon and apply it to their lives or was it left at the door thinking 'okay, I've done the Christian thing for the week'? When I say "they" I am also including myself. I've asked these questions about myself and I didn't like what I heard. I had fallen into the "get up, go to church because it is the right thing to do, go home and start thinking about the week ahead"
As I walked into church I was overwhelmed with the noise. There were people everywhere! Brian was already in there because he had attended a Sunday School class at the early service. As I was trying to figure out how to get the kids and I through this mass of people I saw one of Brian's friends. Jokingly I said "hey, you want to cut us a path through this?" He said "let's go" and we walked right through that wall of people.
If I had been the one leading us through it would have taken us forever! I become overwhelmed quickly in loud, busy social settings. Walking through the chaos typically makes me feel like a tiny ant trying desperately to crawl to the top of the pile. As I focused my attention on our 'fearless leader' though the noise fell away and I simply moved forward one step at a time and before I knew it we were through.
At the time I was thinking how cool it was that we made it through so quickly. This morning though I can see how that experience compares to every day life. There is chaos all around us and if we stop and focus on it then we will get bogged down, overwhelmed and stuck. If we keep our eyes up and focused on God then He will keep a clear path and guide us where we need to go.
By the end of church I had an ache in my neck (the area that was treated with radiation) and the pain had moved down my arm and up into my neck. The top of my hand and my cheek were both tingly. Of course my instant reaction to anything "off" is that it's the cancer spreading. I left church right after the service ended, went home and went to bed. Before I went to bed though I looked at email (yes, I have an obsession problem with email). There was an email from Dayspring Blessings which I typically just delete because it is always just a very short devotion with a link to their website. I had my cursor on the delete button when I heard "read it first". This is what it said:
In Case You Ever Wonder...
Hello, you-
the one with that dream in your heart,
that idea on your mind,
that desire that just won't go away.
You wonder...can I do this?
You can do all things. (Philippians. 4:13)
You ask...do I have what it takes?
You've got all you need. (2 Peter 1:3)
You question...is who I am okay?
You're more than okay, you're His. (Psalm 139:14)
So go for it.
Dare to make that difference, take that step, follow that dream. God will go with you, and love will see you through.
I had to sit down after reading that. I thought "who wrote this and how do they know that I have had a dream in my heart, a desire that won't go away, and questions about being good enough"? It was like God hitting me over the head with a 2x4 (okay so He wouldn't really do that but you know what I mean).
I went to bed with that email in my head. If I hadn't read the email I would have probably have gone to bed, let my mind go to the worst case scenario of what was causing my neck pain and fallen into a deep, dark, lonely pit.
Instead, I went to bed thinking about the email. I've been hearing God call me for a long time now to do something but I just couldn't figure out what it was. I'm still not quite sure but I know it has to do with my story - my journey through cancer with God and the person I've become as a result of it.
The more often that I pray to have His eyes and His ears I am noticing that I see things in a whole different perspective and hear His voice more often. Although this is very cool it is also scary. I get really uncomfortable when I feel Him nudging me talk to someone about something I heard Him say.
I've had friends do that to me before and I am always amazed at what they shared (and the courage it took to share it) that I want to say "keep in touch and let me know if He tells you anything else"! But being on the other end of this conversation is hard. I'm afraid they will look at me like I'm crazy or get mad at me. I really, really, really (did I mention really) hate conflict and will try to avoid it at any cost. I am quite comfortable in my safe little bubble world!
Quite a few years ago (maybe 5 or 6?) I was going through a lot of depression and anxiety that I didn't understand. I began writing poems and wrote a lot of them. This is one of the last ones I wrote:
God told me to write a book, but He didn’t use those words.
He simply put it on my heart - there’s a message to be heard.
I’m not quite sure what the message is or who it’s intended for,
but I know that in due time He’ll open up that door.
I think that door has been opened. Not only do I want to write (or speak) about living with cancer but I also want to share how this has changed my relationship with God. I was your basic "grew up in a Christian home, went to college, got married, had kids, made good choices" type of Christian. After being diagnosed with cancer I realized that I had so much more to learn about what being a Christian meant. It's not just about going to church. When people start talking about statistics and putting you into one of the categories (and not the ones you want to be in!) it really puts life into perspective. All the silly little things just don't matter any more.
I've grown a lot over the past few years - both Brian and I have. He also has the basic "grew up in a Christian home, college, married, kids, do the right thing" kind of story. Cancer has changed both of our individual relationships with God and our prayer lives. Choosing to be in the spotlight and put it all out there with the blog can be overwhelming at times. There are days (lots of them) where I really wish that nobody knew me or that I had cancer. I don't want their first thought to be "oh, there's that poor girl with cancer". That's what I've been feeling for a while now but I realizing that I can change that. I can be the "hey, there is that girl that has an amazing story to tell about how God has changed her life" and "wow, I'd better put my sun glasses on because God's light is just beaming through her!"
I think maybe the cancer is still here because God's light will shine so much brighter if I am broken. I still would love the cancer to just disappear but if this is how God is choosing to use me then my prayers will be for the strength and patience to endure, wisdom to make the right medical decisions and that He would use our story in a mighty way to bring many to know Him and also to bring those that already know Him even closer.
A few weeks after being diagnosed I wrote this in an update and I meant every word of it ~
God is working through me and through all of you and together we are going to turn many more sheep into God’s pasture! Isn’t that amazing! What an honor! First, I know some of you may have been online or researching ovarian cancer. The numbers are not good. However, I do not believe in these numbers, I believe in God. I am not in denial, I just am choosing to believe that God has a plan for me and that plan involves surviving this cancer and becoming His light for many, many years to come. Should this not be the plan, I will cross that bridge when it comes my way. For right now I am praying boldly that this is God’s plan for me and I would like you to do the same. Do not dwell on numbers because it becomes overwhelming! Dwell only on God!!! Together with all of us (and we are a mighty team!) praying boldly we will all win this battle and it is going to change all of us. I have seen amazing changes in many people close to me and have heard of many others. God is working through me and through all of you and together we are going to turn many more sheep into God’s pasture! Isn’t that amazing! What an honor! I know together we can do it. Please hold everyone up in prayer and encourage them. I have never really been a very "open" person before but I am changing. It is so important to encourage one another as the bible says. Let God’s light beam through all of us and just imagine how bright this world will be!!!!
I am finally feeling that energy and passion again! To be honest, when I read stuff like that post I think -wow, they need to cut back on the sugar! My judgemental side kicks in and thinks they are just saying all that for attention. I wrote this though I know that it wasn't for attention (I'd much prefer to be a wallflower)! I remember feeling that passionate at the time I wrote it. I've had many times throughout the years where I'd read that again and think "okay, I know I was sincere when I wrote that but right now that peppiness is really annoying"!
I've been praying for that passion to return for so long that I didn't think it would ever come back. It would come back a little but then Satan would get his jabs in and I'd give up and listen to his lies. I know that he is trembling right now and I also know that I have a big red bulls eye on my forehead that he is going to start aiming at with everything he's got. And he's going to use his same old tricks which thankfully I am catching onto.
Well, this is officially the longest post I have ever written! So much more is going through my head but I've quite possibly lost many readers before they even made it halfway through this post. So, I will end with the words of a song that I just can't (and don't want to) get out of my head. It's Set the World on Fire by Britt Nicole.
I wanna set the world on fire
Until it's burning bright for You
It's everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?
I am small but you are big enough
I am weak but you are strong enough to
Take my dreams come and give them wings
Lord with You there's nothing I can not do,
Nothing I can not do.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010: No Matter What
I've been experimenting with the chemo pill over the past couple of weeks trying to find a routine that I could physically tolerate. The original plan was 3 weeks on ~ one week off. I was only able to handle that for maybe three months or so. At my last appointment we decided to try two weeks on and two weeks off. I took the first pill that night and was miserable already the next morning with nausea and fatigue.
I've tried every combination I can think of - two nights on, one night off ~ one night on, two nights off ~ one night on, one night off. The only thing that was consistent with all of this was the fact that this pill makes me sick.
I've been talking with God about this for the past few months. I have stopped treatment before when I felt God was telling me to and I don't regret any of the times I did. I've been feeling like God has been telling me to stop chemo again recently but it's a bit different this time.
I was struggling with the thought of stopping chemo a bit more this time because as much as I trust God, well, let's just say statistics can get the better of me. Medically speaking there are not a lot of options out there for me anymore. Last week I found myself saying "okay God, I'll stop the chemo now because I believe that you can heal me" and I heard "that's not what I'm saying". That threw me for a loop. Then I heard "I want you to trust me - no matter what". Gulp.
Obviously my first choice would be that after stopping chemo my cancer would "mysteriously" disappear because well, that would just simply be awesome. I don't get to choose how this will all play out but I do have a choice right now ~ I can choose to listen to God and obey Him - no matter what.
This in no way means that I am giving up. I am choosing to listen to God right now and do what He is telling me right now which means ~ bye bye chemo! (Yup, doing a happy dance right now!). I actually stopped chemo a few days ago and I am feeling much better. I am stronger and so much less fatigued.
Throughout the past few days though satan has been on the prowl. He's been hurling lie after lie at me and I've bought into them. Yesterday a light crept into the darkness and pulled me out. All his lies were exposed again and this time I let him have it ~ I drop kicked his sorry butt right back where it belongs! Okay so honestly this entire exchange happened in my head but it was powerful. Some day I will break out of my shell and literally scream at him but for now this seems to be working for me because I felt the darkness break up and leave. I'm sure this means he's regrouping now and going to come back at me even harder to which I have three words for . . . . "bring it on".
I've tried every combination I can think of - two nights on, one night off ~ one night on, two nights off ~ one night on, one night off. The only thing that was consistent with all of this was the fact that this pill makes me sick.
I've been talking with God about this for the past few months. I have stopped treatment before when I felt God was telling me to and I don't regret any of the times I did. I've been feeling like God has been telling me to stop chemo again recently but it's a bit different this time.
I was struggling with the thought of stopping chemo a bit more this time because as much as I trust God, well, let's just say statistics can get the better of me. Medically speaking there are not a lot of options out there for me anymore. Last week I found myself saying "okay God, I'll stop the chemo now because I believe that you can heal me" and I heard "that's not what I'm saying". That threw me for a loop. Then I heard "I want you to trust me - no matter what". Gulp.
Obviously my first choice would be that after stopping chemo my cancer would "mysteriously" disappear because well, that would just simply be awesome. I don't get to choose how this will all play out but I do have a choice right now ~ I can choose to listen to God and obey Him - no matter what.
This in no way means that I am giving up. I am choosing to listen to God right now and do what He is telling me right now which means ~ bye bye chemo! (Yup, doing a happy dance right now!). I actually stopped chemo a few days ago and I am feeling much better. I am stronger and so much less fatigued.
Throughout the past few days though satan has been on the prowl. He's been hurling lie after lie at me and I've bought into them. Yesterday a light crept into the darkness and pulled me out. All his lies were exposed again and this time I let him have it ~ I drop kicked his sorry butt right back where it belongs! Okay so honestly this entire exchange happened in my head but it was powerful. Some day I will break out of my shell and literally scream at him but for now this seems to be working for me because I felt the darkness break up and leave. I'm sure this means he's regrouping now and going to come back at me even harder to which I have three words for . . . . "bring it on".
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010: We Are Family
Today was an odd day but a good day. Come join me as I revisit a day in the life of the Rogalske family . . . .
We are not morning people but despite the odds we were all able to get up and out of bed. Sunday School officially started today so my wonderful loving husband took Ashley & Nathan to the early service. He even went to an adult Sunday school class that began today.
Thanks to my awesome husband Emily and I were able to sleep in a bit longer - too long actually so we scurried to get ready and out the door in time for the second service. We made it in time but because they were implementing a new secure check-in and it was the first day of Sunday school things were just a bit too chaotic for Emily so we checked out (securely!) and headed back downstairs.
At this point church had already started and they were in the middle of baptism. We decided to stay out in the narthex so we pulled out some chairs (the cool tall kind where we could dangle our feet!) and watched the service on the tv monitors. After a while, Ashley came out to check on us and since her poison ivy was bothering her she decided to stay with us. It was a great service and I'm glad I got to sit and listen to it with my girls.
After church we headed home to have some lunch together. You know, the meat and potatoes kind of meal that warms your soul. Oops, wait, that wasn't us. Actually, Brian and I had Lucky Charms cereal, Nathan and Emily had ham & turkey sandwiches and Ashley had a granola bar. Yum. The kind of meal that makes a mama proud!
Brian took the kids' pictures after lunch. Thanks to the digital age Brian has been taking the kids' school pictures for a few years now. We usually do the traditional background. Last year he took their pictures outside and this year he used a green screen and let the kids pick out their own background.
This afternoon we chilled out in the living room. Brian at the computer working his magic with the pictures ~ me on the couch resting as usual ~ Ashley on her laptop ~ Nathan right next to her (doing his best to drive her bonkers) and let's not forget Emily ~ sound asleep on the floor ~ making snorting noises!! It just doesn't get any better than this.
We had a great family supper together (yes, it was healthier than lunch). I ended the day by going out for hot chocolate with Ashley (my teenager asked me if I would go out with her for hot cocoa - woohoo!!!!!). It was a good day.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010: Stupid, stupid, stupid
Stupid cold. Stupid chemo pill that lowers my immunity so that I catch colds easily and take forever to get rid of them. Stupid cancer that is the reason I take the stupid chemo pill that lowered my resistance and caused me to catch the stupid cold to begin with! Stupid, stupid, stupid!!
Translation: I have a cold. I feel awful. Cancer is stupid.
Note from the publisher: Stupid is not a nice word and should not be used unless it is combined with the word cancer in which case it is completely appropriate.
Translation: I have a cold. I feel awful. Cancer is stupid.
Note from the publisher: Stupid is not a nice word and should not be used unless it is combined with the word cancer in which case it is completely appropriate.
Friday, September 10, 2010
I Need A Home
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010: Steady Eddie
Kristi's appointment with Dr. Downey was uneventful this morning. Her CA125 dropped slightly to 422. No much, but in the right direction! Tonight she will begin her 5th round of her latest chemotherapy. She is going to go 2 weeks then evaluate. If she can handle a 3rd week then she'll go for it. If not, she'll take 2 weeks off. This is the plan Dr. Downey agreed to.
That's all for now.
That's all for now.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010: Just The Facts
We have an appointment with Dr. Downey on Wednesday morning.
I went in last Friday and had blood work done (including the CA125).
We will get the results at that appointment.
I've felt a little better every day the past week.
It's late, it's a school night and I'm tired.
Will update again after Wednesdays appointment.
:)
I went in last Friday and had blood work done (including the CA125).
We will get the results at that appointment.
I've felt a little better every day the past week.
It's late, it's a school night and I'm tired.
Will update again after Wednesdays appointment.
:)
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010: Update
I just wanted to give an update on Kristi. She has stopped taking her chemo pill for now. She spoke with her nurse yesterday and since we already have an appointment next week her nurse agreed that was the right thing to do. So physically she is feeling a little bit better each day. She still gets fatigued very easily and has to take breaks often. She over did herself today and when I came home from work she was crashed in bed.
Emotionally, she is also a little better but she still has several aches and pains and rashes all over that are concerning. Her nurse said that none of the symptoms Kristi described are common with this chemo. So that of course gets her mind going. Saturday (or Sunday - all the days blend together these days) we had a brief breakdown. Basically, we talked about how much reality sucks. Cancer sucks. Have I ever said that before? After nearly 4 years we have become excellent liars. When people ask "how are you?" we can reply "OK" or "good" in a pretty convincing way. I have to admit, Kristi is way better than me. I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeves, Kristi is the quiet one. You have to watch those quiet ones. Reality is we're not really OK. We're anything but OK. But what are we supposed to do? If we just dwelled in self pitty the days would be miserable. So we try to make each day better than the last. We know we only dwell in these temporary shells for a limited amount of time so we're thankful for every additional day we're here. That sure is easy to type. Now walking the talk is the tough part.
On a lighter note, the kids had their first day of school yesterday. We now officially have a middle schooler. Where did the years go?!
A couple weeks ago I went on my annual "man trip". This year we went to the Algonquin Provincial Park in Ontario. We spent a week canoeing, hiking, more canoeing, well, mainly canoeing. We did of course find a nice 33' cliff that needed to be jumped from. I took a couple pictures during the week. This is one of my favorites. The loons were incredible!
Emotionally, she is also a little better but she still has several aches and pains and rashes all over that are concerning. Her nurse said that none of the symptoms Kristi described are common with this chemo. So that of course gets her mind going. Saturday (or Sunday - all the days blend together these days) we had a brief breakdown. Basically, we talked about how much reality sucks. Cancer sucks. Have I ever said that before? After nearly 4 years we have become excellent liars. When people ask "how are you?" we can reply "OK" or "good" in a pretty convincing way. I have to admit, Kristi is way better than me. I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeves, Kristi is the quiet one. You have to watch those quiet ones. Reality is we're not really OK. We're anything but OK. But what are we supposed to do? If we just dwelled in self pitty the days would be miserable. So we try to make each day better than the last. We know we only dwell in these temporary shells for a limited amount of time so we're thankful for every additional day we're here. That sure is easy to type. Now walking the talk is the tough part.
On a lighter note, the kids had their first day of school yesterday. We now officially have a middle schooler. Where did the years go?!
A couple weeks ago I went on my annual "man trip". This year we went to the Algonquin Provincial Park in Ontario. We spent a week canoeing, hiking, more canoeing, well, mainly canoeing. We did of course find a nice 33' cliff that needed to be jumped from. I took a couple pictures during the week. This is one of my favorites. The loons were incredible!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010: One Week of Being Weak
It's been one week now. I'm still tired and weak. I have very little energy, occasional bouts of nausea and I'm achy. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am going to call my oncologist tomorrow morning and ask to have blood work and a ct scan done.
On a more positive note ~ it's Nathan's 10th birthday today ~ Happy Birthday Nathan!!!!!
We've added a new link to the blog ~ it's a meal schedule. If you would be willing to bring a meal click on "Bring a Meal" and it will bring you to a website where you can sign up. Thank you!!
I need to keep it short tonight because...I'm tired.
On a more positive note ~ it's Nathan's 10th birthday today ~ Happy Birthday Nathan!!!!!
We've added a new link to the blog ~ it's a meal schedule. If you would be willing to bring a meal click on "Bring a Meal" and it will bring you to a website where you can sign up. Thank you!!
I need to keep it short tonight because...I'm tired.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010: In Need of Prayers
Please pray extra for Kristi as she continues to struggle with nausea and fatigue. In her usual fashion, she way understated her side effects in her last post as “feeling crummy”. I can tell you she feels worse than crummy but she doesn’t want to have everyone worried about her. She’s always thinking of everyone else. :) Seems like she has been sick more than not the past couple months. She gets out when she can but then usually pays the price when she gets home by having extreme fatigue and nausea. This is really hard on the kids as Kristi is usually too tired to go on bike rides, play outside, etc.
Her mind (and mine) has been spending a lot of time thinking about the “what ifs”. This is mentally draining on top of her physical fatigue. We also have had 3 deaths recently that were pretty close to us. 2 out of the 3 were cancer related. Those really hit close to home.
So as we go into the weekend, please hold Kristi and the family up in extra prayers.
Thanks!
Her mind (and mine) has been spending a lot of time thinking about the “what ifs”. This is mentally draining on top of her physical fatigue. We also have had 3 deaths recently that were pretty close to us. 2 out of the 3 were cancer related. Those really hit close to home.
So as we go into the weekend, please hold Kristi and the family up in extra prayers.
Thanks!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010: A New Journey
I have been feeling crummy the past couple days. Yesterday started with me throwing up all the water I had drank that morning. Gross. I was very weak and tired but by the end of the day I was able to eat food and keep it down. I was still very fatigued though.
This morning I was still very tired. I was able to eat and wasn't nauseous but I still had that weak/tired feeling. My dear sweet husband stayed home from work to "babysit" me. We ended up going in for blood work this afternoon to see if maybe my counts were low. My nurse just called me with the results and apparently I am "fine". My counts are good.
So, maybe I just have some sort of bug that will hopefully go away soon. The kids start school next week and a lot of things need to happen between now and then - no time for germs!!
On a completely different note ~ I have started a new blog. I've been wanting to do this for quite a while now. Most of my updates on this blog aren't really cancer related - they are more about my relationship with God. I wanted a place to share the things He is teaching me that was completely separate from cancer. We will still keep this blog going when we have medical information to share. All my other postings will be on my blog. The address is www.krogalske.blogspot.com. A new journey has begun!
This morning I was still very tired. I was able to eat and wasn't nauseous but I still had that weak/tired feeling. My dear sweet husband stayed home from work to "babysit" me. We ended up going in for blood work this afternoon to see if maybe my counts were low. My nurse just called me with the results and apparently I am "fine". My counts are good.
So, maybe I just have some sort of bug that will hopefully go away soon. The kids start school next week and a lot of things need to happen between now and then - no time for germs!!
On a completely different note ~ I have started a new blog. I've been wanting to do this for quite a while now. Most of my updates on this blog aren't really cancer related - they are more about my relationship with God. I wanted a place to share the things He is teaching me that was completely separate from cancer. We will still keep this blog going when we have medical information to share. All my other postings will be on my blog. The address is www.krogalske.blogspot.com. A new journey has begun!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010: Grumpy
If you look up the word grumpy in the dictionary I think you would find my picture right next to it. I looked the definition up online and it sums my attitude up perfectly:
grumpy: surly or ill-tempered; discontentedly or sullenly irritable; grouchy.
I think I've been on a downward spiral for a while now and didn't realize it. I'm not depressed, just grumpy. Tonight I googled "what does the bible say about being grumpy". (I know, I'm weird). Nothing really came up (not that I really thought it would) but one of the sites that came up talked about contentment so I searched biblegateway's website for the verse about being content in any situation. Here is The Message's translation:
I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. Philippians 4:12
grumpy: surly or ill-tempered; discontentedly or sullenly irritable; grouchy.
I think I've been on a downward spiral for a while now and didn't realize it. I'm not depressed, just grumpy. Tonight I googled "what does the bible say about being grumpy". (I know, I'm weird). Nothing really came up (not that I really thought it would) but one of the sites that came up talked about contentment so I searched biblegateway's website for the verse about being content in any situation. Here is The Message's translation:
I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. Philippians 4:12
I know that being content in every situation can only come from God. But, what do you do when you are stuck in a deep, dark pit of grumpiness? When the last thing you feel like doing (but know you should be) is reading the bible and praying? Well, in my case you blog. I can feel when God is tugging at my heart and telling me to share a brutally honest update. So, that's what I'm doing.
I'm not sharing this so people will leave comments telling me that it is okay to feel this way because life has been hard for us. Cancer has definitely brought some ugly moments our way but in reality, we are so extremely blessed. Things could be worse. A lot worse.
The reason I'm sharing is first because God told me to. Secondly, I'm guessing I am not the only person to ever feel this way. So, if you are a fellow grumpy person out there - know that you are not alone. Finally, by typing this all out I am able to process things better. As I was reading through Philippians earlier these verses really hit home ~
Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!
Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. Philippians 4:4-9
If I didn't feel the tug to do an update I don't know that I would have gotten my bible out. I probably would have just stewed in my pity party. I'm still grumpy . . . but I'm reminded once again that I serve a very awesome God. And with Him ~ all things are possible.
(Aaaaaahhhhhh!!! I've spent the past half hour trying to add lines between paragraphs. Sooooooo not helping with my grumpiness. Perfect spacing is just not meant to be with this post though so I'm letting it go. Okay, so I'm trying to let it go.)
Monday, August 16, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010: Consider This
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-3 NIV
We've faced a lot of trials and I know there are a lot more to come. I have to admit that when I read that verse my initial response is always "trials are pure joy ~ I don't think so!" The other day when I was reading this verse the word "consider" jumped out at me. Here's a couple of definitions I found online for the word "consider":
To think carefully about, especially in order to make a decision; contemplate; reflect on. To regard as or deem to be. To think, believe, or suppose, to bear in mind; make allowance for, to pay attention to; regard. To regard with respect, thoughtfulness, honor, etc.
This verse isn't telling me that I need to accept trials as pure joy but I should consider it. God knows that my first reaction is typically 'trials = bad, hard, difficult, stressful ~ anything but joyful'. This verse has challenged me to think about our trials from His perspective. In my heart I understand it but my mind is still ~ well ~ considering the possibilities.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:3-9
Hmmmm ~ trials come to prove the genuineness of our faith so that we can reach our ultimate goal - the salvation of our soul. Yikes - instead of whining to God about my trials I should be thanking Him for them? Something to consider . . . . .
We've faced a lot of trials and I know there are a lot more to come. I have to admit that when I read that verse my initial response is always "trials are pure joy ~ I don't think so!" The other day when I was reading this verse the word "consider" jumped out at me. Here's a couple of definitions I found online for the word "consider":
To think carefully about, especially in order to make a decision; contemplate; reflect on. To regard as or deem to be. To think, believe, or suppose, to bear in mind; make allowance for, to pay attention to; regard. To regard with respect, thoughtfulness, honor, etc.
This verse isn't telling me that I need to accept trials as pure joy but I should consider it. God knows that my first reaction is typically 'trials = bad, hard, difficult, stressful ~ anything but joyful'. This verse has challenged me to think about our trials from His perspective. In my heart I understand it but my mind is still ~ well ~ considering the possibilities.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:3-9
Hmmmm ~ trials come to prove the genuineness of our faith so that we can reach our ultimate goal - the salvation of our soul. Yikes - instead of whining to God about my trials I should be thanking Him for them? Something to consider . . . . .
Monday, August 2, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010: Going, Going, Soon to be Gone!
Slowly but surely my CA125 is coming down ~ three months ago it was 598, two months ago it was 544. Today's number . . . . . drum roll please . . . . . 440!!!!!!!!!! I'd type a longer update but we're busy celebrating :)
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Saturday, July 31, 2010: Who Am I?
I have been struggling with who I am lately. Am I a mom? Wife? Friend? What is my purpose? Should I be home taking care of my family? Helping with different programs at church or school? Supporting and comforting friends who are struggling and hurting? To be honest, right know I think what I have allowed to define me the most is cancer. I'm a cancer victim-fighter-survivor. When it comes right down to it that is what has defined me. It's my "get out of anything I don't want to do" card. It's my guilt-free reason to thrown my own pity party. It's what keeps me awake at night as I allow it to define me and my future. Frankly, it's getting old.
This past week I helped at Vacation Bible School at our church. As I was trying to tally the attendance for the day and break it down by grade (no small task for someone with ADD and chemo brain!) I heard the kids singing in the sanctuary. The line I heard was "I am who the Great I Am says I am". I initially loved the line and the simple truth. Of course my "human" mind tried to complicate it ~ "what does that line mean? what does He say that I am? maybe I could finally be who He says I am if I could only figure out what it is He is saying". Here are some of the words to the song:
I am who the Great I Am says I am,
I am one of His greatest creations.
He says that I am remarkably, wonderfully made,
and I am who He says I am.
There are more words to the song but I love the simplicity of this part. He created me -remarkable and wonderful (two words I definitely wouldn't use to describe me but He does). That's it - I am who He says I am. So simple and so powerful at the same time. It's one thing to read the words to this song but when you hear 600 kids, 200 volunteers and an awesome praise team singing it on the top of their lungs it is powerful!!
I am still struggling with the concept of who I am but that's okay. It's not up to me to figure it out because ultimately ~ I am who the Great I Am says I am!
This past week I helped at Vacation Bible School at our church. As I was trying to tally the attendance for the day and break it down by grade (no small task for someone with ADD and chemo brain!) I heard the kids singing in the sanctuary. The line I heard was "I am who the Great I Am says I am". I initially loved the line and the simple truth. Of course my "human" mind tried to complicate it ~ "what does that line mean? what does He say that I am? maybe I could finally be who He says I am if I could only figure out what it is He is saying". Here are some of the words to the song:
I am who the Great I Am says I am,
I am one of His greatest creations.
He says that I am remarkably, wonderfully made,
and I am who He says I am.
There are more words to the song but I love the simplicity of this part. He created me -remarkable and wonderful (two words I definitely wouldn't use to describe me but He does). That's it - I am who He says I am. So simple and so powerful at the same time. It's one thing to read the words to this song but when you hear 600 kids, 200 volunteers and an awesome praise team singing it on the top of their lungs it is powerful!!
I am still struggling with the concept of who I am but that's okay. It's not up to me to figure it out because ultimately ~ I am who the Great I Am says I am!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010: Victory!
After a long and grueling season, Nathan's team won the league tournament tonight by winning both games they played. Here's the play by play:
Nathan's team down 5-1 in the 7th inning. Nathan's team already scored 2 runs when Nathan comes to the plate with one man on 2nd and one on 3rd. 2 outs. They call a time out to discuss what to pitch to Nathan (he has a reputation for being one of the league's top hitters). But...it didn't matter. Nathan crushed a single that scored 2 runs!! He tied the game. He tied the game. The crowd went crazy. Nathan's team went on to score one more run to take the lead (Nathan was later called out at home for the 3rd out on a very close call - I think he was safe...I was screaming from the bleachers in right field "HE MISSED THE TAG, HE MISSED THE TAG!"). His team held on for the one run victory.
In the championship game his team went on to easily handle their opponent and cruised to the victory, at one point leading 9-1. Jumping, screaming and lots of adolescent sweaty smelling boys. Victory!
Nathan's team down 5-1 in the 7th inning. Nathan's team already scored 2 runs when Nathan comes to the plate with one man on 2nd and one on 3rd. 2 outs. They call a time out to discuss what to pitch to Nathan (he has a reputation for being one of the league's top hitters). But...it didn't matter. Nathan crushed a single that scored 2 runs!! He tied the game. He tied the game. The crowd went crazy. Nathan's team went on to score one more run to take the lead (Nathan was later called out at home for the 3rd out on a very close call - I think he was safe...I was screaming from the bleachers in right field "HE MISSED THE TAG, HE MISSED THE TAG!"). His team held on for the one run victory.
In the championship game his team went on to easily handle their opponent and cruised to the victory, at one point leading 9-1. Jumping, screaming and lots of adolescent sweaty smelling boys. Victory!
The part about Nathan's game is true. Some of the other details may have been slightly embellished/overstated/exaggerated and the writer claims no responsibility for any misrepresentation of the facts. Some names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010: Still Listening
I've been trying to listen to God. Not just a sit down, pray and listen kind of thing but actually listening all day long. I want to connect with God as though He was literally right next to me guiding me with each decision. The more I've listened, the more I've heard.
I've heard very clear cut answers to questions. I've heard songs on the radio that went right to my heart as if God was sitting next to me, pointing to the radio and saying "this one is for you". Last week as I was driving home every song that was playing on the radio was like a personal message to me. A new song started that I have never heard before and it was as if I had wrote the song myself. It was my life, right now, exactly what I was feeling. As I listened to the words God was so very real to me. I was in awe. It felt like it was just me and God at that moment and everything else fell away.
Of course now I can't remember a single word to the song and despite many google searches I have not been able to find it. But that's okay because if I need to hear it again - God will play it for me.
Very early this morning an amazing woman left this earth and went to her eternal home. I admired her long before either of us had been diagnosed with cancer. She encouraged me so much. She had walked a mile in my shoes and she understood my fears, my joys and my sorrows. We could talk freely to each other knowing we would not be judged by our words.
Today's news of her passing caught me completely off guard. I knew that she was experiencing a lot of health issues and was not able to start a second clinical trial because of it but I did not realize how significant these issues had become.
My first thought was "No! How can this be possible? I haven't talked to her recently, I still have so much to learn from her." I instantly had guilt for not calling her more often or visiting with her. The guilt became overwhelming until I heard God whisper "these thoughts are not from me".
I have been trying figure out how to keep in constant communication with God. When I hear songs and read scripture I feel so connected. I wish I could just push away the nonsense of life and simply be with God. Life is filled with so many distractions. I get frustrated with how easily my mind can wander - how quickly I can go from dwelling in God's peace to listening to the enemies lies. I asked God today "how do I stay connected to you?" and I heard "through your suffering". To be honest - that really scared me. As much as I love the closeness to God I feel during the times of suffering, I am mentally overwhelmed at the thought of continued suffering. How much more can I endure? How much can my family endure? Why, why, why?
I'm not completely sure what God meant by that but I am sure that in His time he will reveal more to me . . . if I continue to listen. I don't know what life has in store for me but I'm tired of looking ahead and fearing the worst. It's time to stop looking ahead and start looking up and remember that God knows what my future holds and He will carry me through.
In the words of Alaida - "I don't know what my future holds but I know who holds my future".
I've heard very clear cut answers to questions. I've heard songs on the radio that went right to my heart as if God was sitting next to me, pointing to the radio and saying "this one is for you". Last week as I was driving home every song that was playing on the radio was like a personal message to me. A new song started that I have never heard before and it was as if I had wrote the song myself. It was my life, right now, exactly what I was feeling. As I listened to the words God was so very real to me. I was in awe. It felt like it was just me and God at that moment and everything else fell away.
Of course now I can't remember a single word to the song and despite many google searches I have not been able to find it. But that's okay because if I need to hear it again - God will play it for me.
Very early this morning an amazing woman left this earth and went to her eternal home. I admired her long before either of us had been diagnosed with cancer. She encouraged me so much. She had walked a mile in my shoes and she understood my fears, my joys and my sorrows. We could talk freely to each other knowing we would not be judged by our words.
Today's news of her passing caught me completely off guard. I knew that she was experiencing a lot of health issues and was not able to start a second clinical trial because of it but I did not realize how significant these issues had become.
My first thought was "No! How can this be possible? I haven't talked to her recently, I still have so much to learn from her." I instantly had guilt for not calling her more often or visiting with her. The guilt became overwhelming until I heard God whisper "these thoughts are not from me".
I have been trying figure out how to keep in constant communication with God. When I hear songs and read scripture I feel so connected. I wish I could just push away the nonsense of life and simply be with God. Life is filled with so many distractions. I get frustrated with how easily my mind can wander - how quickly I can go from dwelling in God's peace to listening to the enemies lies. I asked God today "how do I stay connected to you?" and I heard "through your suffering". To be honest - that really scared me. As much as I love the closeness to God I feel during the times of suffering, I am mentally overwhelmed at the thought of continued suffering. How much more can I endure? How much can my family endure? Why, why, why?
I'm not completely sure what God meant by that but I am sure that in His time he will reveal more to me . . . if I continue to listen. I don't know what life has in store for me but I'm tired of looking ahead and fearing the worst. It's time to stop looking ahead and start looking up and remember that God knows what my future holds and He will carry me through.
In the words of Alaida - "I don't know what my future holds but I know who holds my future".
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010: Listen
Read Isaiah 50. Then go back and reflect on verses 4 and 5.
“He wakens me morning by morning,
wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.
5 The Sovereign LORD has opened my ears,
and I have not been rebellious;
I have not drawn back.”
Stop what you’re doing. Listen. Block out all the noise and just listen. “He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.” Wow. How are you doing? Are you waking up every morning and listening? Before the madness of the day starts? Or are you like me: the alarm awakens me with no time to spare. Well, after about 5 snoozes; then it’s rush rush rush to work. And so the day begins.
I’ll be the first to admit – I’m not a good listener. Sometimes I'm not a very good student. I rebel. I draw back when times are good. Sometimes I feel like that student in the back row of the class. You know the one. The class clown. The one passing notes, making gross farting sounds when the teacher isn’t looking, goofing off basically. Not listening. These verses hit me this morning. Reminded me to stop and listen.
Let’s all pray for each other this morning to be better students. Better listeners. We have a great Teacher. Let’s stop and listen to what He is trying to tell us. Just listen.
Amen.
“He wakens me morning by morning,
wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.
5 The Sovereign LORD has opened my ears,
and I have not been rebellious;
I have not drawn back.”
Stop what you’re doing. Listen. Block out all the noise and just listen. “He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.” Wow. How are you doing? Are you waking up every morning and listening? Before the madness of the day starts? Or are you like me: the alarm awakens me with no time to spare. Well, after about 5 snoozes; then it’s rush rush rush to work. And so the day begins.
I’ll be the first to admit – I’m not a good listener. Sometimes I'm not a very good student. I rebel. I draw back when times are good. Sometimes I feel like that student in the back row of the class. You know the one. The class clown. The one passing notes, making gross farting sounds when the teacher isn’t looking, goofing off basically. Not listening. These verses hit me this morning. Reminded me to stop and listen.
Let’s all pray for each other this morning to be better students. Better listeners. We have a great Teacher. Let’s stop and listen to what He is trying to tell us. Just listen.
Amen.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010: Good News
We had a good visit today with Dr. Downey's office. We actually saw his partner because Dr. Downey is on vacation this week. But, this doctor confirmed that the tumors that Dr. Downey felt 2 visits ago are no longer there AND Kristi's CA125 dropped to 544. So good news all around for Kristi.
Well, sort of. Ashley, our oldest daughter, left with a friend on a middle school overnight trip to Cedar Point this morning. Kristi is having a hard time "letting go". I'm just excited that we get a break from the 13 y/o hormones for a night! No eye rolls. No "Dad!". No heavy sighs followed by stomping feet. But she sure is a cutie, isn't she?! see, this is where she would go "Daaaaad". I'm such a man. This along with good news from the doctor almost makes it like cancer doesn't even exist for the moment. It's kinda nice.
Anyway, we just wanted to give a quick update.
"God, examine me and know my heart; test me and know my nervous thoughts." Psalm 139:23
Well, sort of. Ashley, our oldest daughter, left with a friend on a middle school overnight trip to Cedar Point this morning. Kristi is having a hard time "letting go". I'm just excited that we get a break from the 13 y/o hormones for a night! No eye rolls. No "Dad!". No heavy sighs followed by stomping feet. But she sure is a cutie, isn't she?! see, this is where she would go "Daaaaad". I'm such a man. This along with good news from the doctor almost makes it like cancer doesn't even exist for the moment. It's kinda nice.
Anyway, we just wanted to give a quick update.
"God, examine me and know my heart; test me and know my nervous thoughts." Psalm 139:23
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)