Saturday, December 13, 2008

Saturday, December 13, 2008: Behind The Smile

Have you ever been so down you didn't know how you would get back up? How about put on a smile when all you wanted to do was cry? Told someone you were fine when really you weren't? Wondered if God really cared? Lost hope? Been surrounded by people and yet felt completely alone? If you have, you're not alone. I've just described the past couple days of my life.

I'm so hesitant to even post this. This whole honest thing is sometimes quite difficult. I just know I'm so down that I don't know what else to do. I know that the prayers are my only hope of getting out of this.

Last year after I received the call saying the cancer had spread to my liver I had complete peace and faith that the cancer was gone despite this news. I don't have peace and I don't know what happened to my faith. I'm having trouble praying and even reading the bible. I try to think of positive things in my head and instantly a negative thought comes to mind.

I read the comments and emails from people that say how I have inspired them and I can only think "if they could see me now". I feel like a disappointment and failure and have lost my fight. I'm probably supposed to be learning something through this but I just can't see it right now. I just really hope this ends soon because it is really hard to try to keep this from the kids - I know Ashley can sense something is wrong and I can only keep telling her that I'm tired for so long.

So I'm asking for prayers for my faith to be renewed, that I can get up out of this pit, that I will find that peace once again. Please also keep Brian and the kids in your prayers as I'm sure seeing me like this is very difficult for them.