I know there have been so many people praying for us and one of the specific requests was for my CA125 level to go down. There have been a lot of disappointed people, myself included. Why? Why, why, why, why, why?!?! Well, I was in one of my pity parties recently and all the sudden the song Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks popped in my head. Specifically the chorus . . . sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers - remember when you're talking to the man upstairs that just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care - some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.
Okay, so the grammar isn't the best but the words are so fitting. I can't imagine the fact that my CA125 level not going down could be a great gift! I know God is going to use this for His glory but to be honest, I wish He would pick someone else to use. I'm tired. Tired of the whole cancer thing.
I was thinking about my testimony that I shared in April of 2007. I believe I said the words "if you are being challenged, you are really being blessed". I honestly truly meant the words when I said them but right now I think that if I had been sitting and listening to myself that day I would have said "are you kidding me? blessed?". It must have been God talking when I gave my testimony because I remember being truly sincere and so at peace. I seem to be in a different place now. I'm still in a good place, most of the time, but now I'm tired. I've been there, done that and am really quite sick of it.
I know God will use this for His glory and deep down I am thankful He is continuing to use our family to show His greatness. But some days, I just want to be back to "normal". Before cancer even happened. I'm sure God isn't happy with my grumbling and I wish I wasn't so "human". I am so grateful that God is so forgiving and loving and patient with me.
Thanks for reading and praying and journeying with us. Please pray that the cancer will stay under control during the next couple weeks until I start chemo again. My doctor feels safe waiting until after the holidays but thinking about the cancer growing is a bit scary. In my heart, I knew it was back. I've known it for a while but didn't want to believe it because that would have made it real. I also believe without a doubt that I'll beat this once again. We just have to journey back down that chemo road once more and deal with all the joys it brings :)
I also believe that there is a great deal of spiritual warfare going on in my head. If spiritual warfare and discernment is a gift that you have I would so appreciate your prayers in this area. Please pray for whatever you are lead to pray!
My verse I continue to cling to is this:
Psalm 118:17 - I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done.
I will beat this cancer and will go and tell anyone that will listen to me that it was God that healed me.