Sunday, April 19, 2009

Sunday, April 19, 2009: Weak

Seven days without enough time spent with God makes one weak.

I have been struggling with my "God" time. I have read all about the time we should spend with God. I've learned the techniques and I've talked to people who can't live without this time. I want to be like that. I feel like God has been calling to me to spend this time with Him and I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't been listening. Even worse than not listening, I have been ignoring Him.

Matthew 26:41 keeps running through my head "The spirit is willing, but the body is weak." Right now I hear it as "the spirit is willing but the body is weak". I want to change that thinking completely. I've been trying to do this on my own and I can't. So, to the blog I go to tell the world. It's hard to put this out there. I'm admitting one of my biggest struggles. Lately when I've done this though so many people come up to me and say "I struggle with that too". So I know I am not alone. For some reason I just choose to post my flaws so all the world can see :)

This world is falling apart. There is fear everywhere. It can be so overwhelming. Add cancer to the mix and it's not good. When I start thinking about statistics . . . it's not good. I know in my heart that if I would spend more intentional time reading the bible, praying and simply listening to what God has to say it would bless my life so much. The world would still be messed up but I would have that peace from God knowing that even though it seems bad right now, he's got it all under control.

I'm tired of my body being weak - both physically and emotionally. It's time that I stop talking about my need to spend intentional time talking to God and doing it. It's time that I stop focusing on the fact that my body is weak and remember that the spirit is willing. God's willingness will trump my weakness.

Tomorrow we are back to chemo. I want to go to the doctor visit and chemo clinic with no fear. God has already set this day in motion for me. I spend a lot of time simply laying in a recliner while the chemo flows through my veins. This is time that I can whine and complain about or I can use my time wisely and spend that time with God.

Satan has been trying to convince me that now that the cancer is almost behind us that I am no longer special. I'm done listening to him. This is hard for someone with low self esteem to say but "I am special". I was special before I had cancer and I will be special after the cancer is gone. God made me for a special purpose and I am ready to find out what that purpose is.

We meet with my doctor at 9:00 to talk about the treatment plans and then go to the chemo clinic at 10:30. We usually get the CA-125 results later in the afternoon. We will be posting them as soon as we can. Prayer warriors, start your engines!

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20