We had a comment on Brian's last post that mentioned his update "Let Your Will Be Done". Before I had read that I had already decided on the title for this post. The other post was almost exactly one year ago today. Coincidence? I don't think so.
Just over three years ago I asked God to "break me". I wanted to grow in my relationship with Him and be able to experience the amazing trust that I had seen in people that were going through life changing experiences. As we were singing the song 'Holiness" in church I still remember the line "brokenness is what you want from me". That was my prayer. It wasn't very long after praying that when I was diagnosed. Be careful what you pray for!
Earlier this week as I was processing the news we got on Monday the rest of the song 'Holiness' ran through my head . . .
So, take my heart and form it.
Take my mind and transform it.
Take my will and conform it.
To Yours, to Yours, oh, Lord
He has formed my heart and transformed my mind but my will . . . nope, I hadn't let that go yet. I was so angry after we talked to the doctor on Monday and actually questioned God. I couldn't believe that after all the signs we have seen along the way that I would beat this cancer we would now get this blow. I remember thinking "are you kidding me"? Later I realized that I had questioned the God of the universe, the one who created the world, the one who placed all the stars in the sky and the one who knows the number of hairs I have on my head.
I refused to believe this news though. I decided that I was going to beat this cancer once and for all and prove that doctor wrong. I just assumed that was what God was planning for me. I couldn't stand the thought of our children growing up without their mom. I told God that I would continue fighting this cancer but that He can't have my kids - I can't give them up. After a lot of praying, bible reading, listening to God and talking to Brian I realized how selfish this was. Did I seriously think that I could do a better job raising my kids than God could? Didn't I believe that He would take care of my family after I was gone? After a lot of going back and forth with God (hoping for a comprise) I agreed with tears streaming down my face that our children are His. They were always His.
I also struggled with the thought of dying and heaven. What is heaven really like? What happens when we die? How will I die? The process of dying scares me more than anything else. I had to give up trying to control this too. I asked God to take my will and conform it to His. It wasn't easy but once I let go of my stubbornness and gave up control I had peace. I haven't had a continuous peace - I still have my fears and questions but ultimately I know that He knows what is best for me no matter what that may be.
I am still praying for a miracle but more importantly I know whatever happens - God is in control.
In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9
My doctor called me this afternoon. He wants us to meet with a radiation oncologist to talk about radiation as opposed to chemo. With radiation I won't lose my hair and it won't damage my bone marrow like chemo does. Radiation comes with its own kind of side effects though. They are going to call on Monday to let us know when the appointment is. In the meantime he said to cancel my chemo that was planned for next Tuesday (did a happy dance after hearing that!). We will meet with this doctor and decide whether we should return to chemo or start radiation. Well - we will plan our course with God determining our steps.
Brian is out tonight with some friends so he'll update tomorrow night with the rest of his journey through depression. It is so wonderful to see him doing projects again and not wanting to sleep all the time. I'm so proud of him for being willing to share this on the blog and so happy to have him back!