Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Tuesday, January 26, 2010: Heads or Tails

Two treatments done ~ only twenty five more to go! As I was walking out of the clinic after today's treatment I could feel my mood starting to go down. Although there is no pain involved (other than the instant headache I get when the mask is strapped on) I feel very vulnerable and trapped on the table.

I have been able to get through that time by repeating over and over in my head "be still and know that I am God". When the verse first came into my head I had to laugh ~ be still? Like I have a choice! After it kept running through my mind though I tuned into the second half ~ know that I am God. We already "know" that but to focus on those words gave me a sense of peace and comfort.

I was not a big fan of the staff that latch me down to the table and tell me not to move. When I thought of the words "be still" as coming from God it was much easier to accept. It wasn't medical people telling me what to do but God simply asking that I remain still, focus on Him and know that He will take care of everything.

It's amazing how we can go from feeling God's peace and trusting Him to a pity party that focuses on everything that has gone wrong, can go wrong or may go wrong. I was feeling good as I walked out of the clinic but before I got to my van I was down already. I was thinking of all the negatives. As soon as I started the van up the song Jesus Calling was playing and this line grabbed my attention . . .

You see there’s always another story, another side to every coin
And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice.

I can choose to focus on the unknowns and fears that cancer brings or I can flip that coin over and count my blessings ~ it's my choice. I love the chorus of Jesus calling . . .

When you see the rushing wind, feel the pouring rain
Hear the thunder now as the clouds roll in.
You’re blinded by the lightning
Do you also hear that still, small voice saying
It’s okay, you’re not alone,
You may be scared to death but I won’t let you go.
You may think the sky above is falling
But can you hear Jesus calling?

I can hear Him calling . . . when I make the choice to listen. He's in the music, in the scriptures, in my head and most importantly in my heart.