Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Tuesday, January 5, 2009: Bittersweet

Today was a good day. I went to church where I work in the nursery during Coffee Break and got my baby fix and also got to hang out with my friend that works in there as well. There is just the two of us and the most babies we have had is three. Good food, great friend and three adorable babies - it's rough but someone has to do it!

I think I was quite guarded today and wouldn't let my armor down. I didn't want to cry because if even one tear slips then I will start sobbing. Sheryl was awesome - she let me have a "normal" hour of catching up and just talking about things other than cancer.

I was afraid to look people in their eyes because I see the pity, fear and sadness in them. I was hugged many times and found out that a lot of people didn't sleep very well last night after reading the update. I'm thinking we could fill a swimming pool with all the tears that have been shed.

I talked to my nurse today and my first round of chemo is next week Tuesday. We decided to do treatment every three weeks rather than a weekly treatment. If this becomes physically too difficult for me we will switch to the weekly routine.

I was reading back in the blog to last year and the first couple of treatments didn't really cause any problems but by the third round a cumulative effect had built up and I wasn't doing so well. I will be getting all three of those doses at once next week. I just found out today that my hair will fall out with this chemo. I can't believe I have to go through that again. At least this time I know what to expect and I still have my hats and scarves.

Okay, enough thinking about that - it will be 2 to 3 weeks before that happens. Won't do me any good to dwell on it now. I will end this post with a letter that Ashley wrote tonight . . . . .

Thank you???

Hi Cancer, how are you? Where are you? oh wait, you're in my mom. I have probably asked this before but, why are you in her? She already has other things to deal with, but then of course, you had to come along and cause bad things. You may think it’s funny but I’m not laughing, no one is laughing. Yet, some how, part of my body want’s to say thank you, thank you for bringing us closer to God. Before you came, we were just a family who went to Church, and all of that but now, we are Praising God all of the time! We are not a family who just goes to Church every Sunday because we have to but because we want to and because we want to glorify Christ in any way we can! I know that in this little “speech” I said things that you did not not want to hear, like when I said Thank you. You wanted to hear, grrrrrrrrr. No, I am not that kind of person, I am a person who fights, who sets a goal and accomplishes it, I AM A PERSON WHO WILL NOT STOP FIGHTING THIS BATTLE!!! Same for my mom, she will not stop fighting! She is a person who fight’s, sets goals and accomplishes them and a person who will NOT stop fighting you no matter what you do to her! So step away from her, in the future, I see a miracle! I know that God has wonderful plans for my mom and that he will take care of her! Like my mom has said before,................SHE HAS GOT A STORY TO TELL! I’m just guessing here but, I think it will be a pretty good story! (just kidding, I am not guessing, I know that it will be a great story)! SO GET AWAY CANCER AND NEVER COME BACK!

Written by Ashley Rogalske, a person who does not give up!!