I think many of you have already heard me talk about the prayer that I said only months before I was diagnosed with cancer. I asked God to break me while singing the song "Holiness". These were the words:
Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for.
Brokenness is what I need.
Brokenness, brokenness is what
You want from me.
I have definitely been broken. My health, my life, my heart, my way of thinking, my relationship with God and so much more. Everything was broken completely but God used that break to make all of it stronger. I know I am a much stronger person today than I was three years ago.
I still have so much growing to do though. A couple months ago I started thinking about the chorus of "Holiness" . . .
So, take my heart and form it.
Take my mind and transform it.
Take my will and conform it.
To Yours, to Yours, oh, Lord.
When I think of my heart being formed I imagine it growing and changing to be like God's. I've been thinking a lot about love lately. What is love? When I think about it quite often songs will jump into my head like "What Is Love?" (from the movie Night at the Roxbury), Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It" and "Love Me Tender" by Elvis. The songs though, weren't getting me any closer to figuring out what love is so I went to the best source I could think of . . . the bible.
The first verse that came to mind is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 . . .
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I have put in bold the things that love "is". That's a lot of things! When I think of love ~ I think of it as a feeling. A feeling we have for God, our family, and some close friends. I think of hearts, warm fuzzies and XOXO's.
I think this is where God needs to, as the song says, "form my heart". I am a long, long away from the description of love that is in 1 Corinthians. I know there are many people who would tell me that a lot of those words describe me. When I am out in the public I am typically patient, kind, not angry, rude or self-seeking but when I'm home with my family it's a different story. I am definitely not patient and not always kind. I can be rude, self-seeking and unfortunately I am easily angered.
I'm not being hard on myself ~ I'm being honest. I think we all try so hard to be nice to people everywhere we go that when we come home we just don't have the energy anymore to keep that happy face on. Or we take our frustrations out from a bad day on the people that we care about the most. I know I'm not alone in this (I'm just the crazy one that publicly declares it on the world-wide web!).
I want to work on this and the first step to solving a problem is admitting that you have one (which I'm pretty sure I just did). I know God has been nudging my heart in this area but I have been too stubborn to eat a piece of humble pie and admit it. Brian, Ashley, Nathan and Emily - I love you! If you'll excuse me now ~ I have a piece of pie I need to go eat.
This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. 1 John 4:10-12