Sunday, February 7, 2010

Sunday, February 7, 2010: Thud

In case you're wondering what that "thud" was ~ it the sound of me hitting the bottom of the pit. I've been in bed almost 24/7 since Friday night. I got up a couple times yesterday (only to go lay on the couch). There is a bug going around the house so I thought I had caught that but I had also caught the sneaky bug called depression as well. By the end of last night I was curled up in the fetal position crying my eyes out in our bedroom closet. Brian just simply listened to my incoherent babbling between sobs until there was nothing left to say and no more tears to cry.

I was trying to figure out how that episode had snuck up on me so quickly and quietly. As I looked back though I remembered Brian telling me earlier in the week that he thought I was becoming depressed and that I should get in to see the psychiatrist. I remember telling him "no, dear, you're mistaken". Oh wait, it was more like "no I'm not, leave me alone". I must have gotten worse because he continued to "suggest" that I go see the psychiatrist. My response was that "there isn't a single pill that will take away this cancer or that will take away the fact that I have cancer". I figured there wasn't a pill that could help me say "I have cancer and I don't care" so why bother? (Actually there probably is but I'm pretty sure it's not legal).

So as I look back I see there were warning signs but I had my blinders on. So now here I am at the bottom of this pit trying to claw my way back to the top. At least at this point I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's physically an effort for me to do anything right now. I feel like I have weights strapped to my arms and legs holding me down but I think the weight that is on my heart and mind is the heaviest.

I always start feeling better after I post but it sure is humbling to put it all out there. If someone reading this right now has been feeling down lately and a loved one has been trying to gently suggest that you may be depressed ~ think about what I just shared and prevent yourself from sliding further down into the pit (not to mention the slippery slope that needs to be tackled to get out) and talk to someone.

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward. Philippians 3:13